Telling Tales

Being Perfect

2012-01-04T01:39:00.001+08:00

I am a broken man in a broken world.

For what good is a perfect man in a perfect world?

He has not tasted hunger, and have not been overjoyed when received food.

Has not thirst and be restored at a sip of water.

He knows no sadness, no tears rolling down his cheek.

No hope for there is no need of hope.

No despair, no love for all is perfect.

There is no darkness to contrast the light.

No evil to have good.

No joy of helping another, no appreciation of what is dying.

No pain, no fear.

No experience of the joy of being in love.

For what good is a man if he is perfect and everything is nothing but perfect?

He knows no sorrow for there is none.

No hatred, no imperfections to repair, no moral values to consider.

No thoughts that tears him apart, no decisions that will impact him or any other.

No sowing, no reaping, no putting your hands in the dirt.

He has everything he needs and wants, and even that is naught because everything is perfect.

A man truly lives when he sweat tears and blood.

When he finds hope amidst hopeless times.

Salvation on the other end of the spectrum.

A man truly loves when he finds it, truly gives because others needs it.

He will mourn and wail, weeps and cries.

But he will also laugh and smile, appreciate and be grateful.

For all that is imperfect, it makes up a meaningful life.

He could die unfulfilled, but he dies and lived.

He could die striving for an unattainable goal, but he dies trying.

He could die and suffer the most horrific death, but hoped.

He enjoys the birth of his child, and feels lost when the child dies.

He could lose the battle, but died defending what he believes him.

None of that can come to pass in a perfect world.

I am a broken man in a broken world.

And there is nothing i would change of it.

She's going

2011-12-27T18:20:00.003+08:00

...she will be gone.

Being Two-5

2011-12-21T20:15:00.000+08:00

Being 25 is an accomplishment by itself, you've survived this far and you're at best 3 quarters away from death or at least halfway through your life!

At this point you're probably into your job for the first year, into your masters or PhD years, or looking for a job, and also figuring what the fuck is it you actually want to do for the rest of your crappy life!

No easy answers, and plenty of articles, blogs and motivational speakers would have told you how to!

Well, here is a few tips from someone who is 25:

Fuck peer pressure and cultural expectations (note: me is Chinese), yeap, that's right! Oh don't get me wrong, i feel the goddamned pressure every fucking day! Ok, maybe not every day like days i play board games, watch some nice movie and/or generally napping for more than 2 hours! But what i really meant was that your friends and peers and do whatever the hell they want, but you don't have to conform! Well, to put it bluntly, if you're not into the corporate world, don't jump into it because you "have" to, or "should". If it's money that's currently worrying you, do some part time jobs or take up some job that you don't mind doing while slowly figuring your way there. This makes total sense, because what you choose to do could very well be something you'll be doing for an extended period of time, and if you simply do it just because, you might be miserable. So take some time, do some odd jobs or take up some admin jobs and figure out what your strengths are and where your passion lies and what can you do best be complemented by it!
Peer pressure is going to mindfuck you! - Yeap, as to build upon the earlier point - being who we are, people around us tend to be our benchmarks for success in life. My friends are earning way more than i do, travelling the world now and seeing a whole lot of things while i sit down and write this stupid blog post. I feel like shit, but important thing is to not lose focus, you might take 10 years to get to where you are, but at least you're getting there, so you could lose on getting new gadgets, eating fancy food, but if you're happy with where you are heading, peer pressure can be overcome.
Action! - This is where most people mess up! We do not take action, we tend to like to think of hypothetical scenarios rather than experiencing them, don't get me wrong, you might end up worse off than before, but you know what? At the very least, you've tried. No "What if" looming in your minds, no "Maybe this might have happened", none of those! What's left is "Where do I go now?" You take an action to move on, you stay where you are playing safe you might just be stagnant! Well, playing safe has its merits, most important is to check your goals to see if that is the best course of action.
Have hope, believe in yourself - I won't kid you, some people die without even being close to their dream, but as my previous point has stated, no "What if" situations. Always believe you can do it, but always always be realistic, if you know you ain't gonna be no rock star, then maybe switch it up to something more practical! Compromises can be made as long as you're happy.
Brain - Yeap, use your freaking brain! God gave us brain (for those who believe in higher beings) and if we don't use them to think ahead, think through, plan and make decisions, then all my points are moot! And for you people who like to say "God will direct me", it doesn't mean you sit there waiting for shit to happen, it means you gotta just trust whatever step you're taking will be guided by God, don't sit there, move!

And that is probably half of what i intended to write, i just got lazy! But it should get some of you started off, if that is anyone willing to take advice from a struggling citizen whose dreams are as far as it could be from him.

This Period of Time

2011-11-30T23:43:00.001+08:00

It always comes down to this period of time, where you truly sit down and think things through.

Always at one point or another, i'd think i'm doing alright, just waiting patiently to get there, waiting for my time to come, and that all i have been doing up to that point was needed in order to get to where i wanted to be.

I think it's an innate ability of any human to deceive themselves that they are justified in what they are doing.

It is a good and bad thing.

No real right or wrong.

I could sleep for hours upon hours, and yet still be tired.
Or even busy myself day after day and still feeling aimless.
I could dream of things beyond things yet still feel grounded.
And live a life that is utterly and disappointingly pointless.

I could walk and traverse this world yet be back where i once stood.
I could fly on wings of the eagle but still be stagnant and unmoved.
Wade through rivers and walk through deserts all that i could.
But end up disbelieving in all and be unloved.

How do i continuously deceive my own heart?
So that i can make it to the end of my being?
Not thinking of life's broken pieces and shards.
Not wondering about anything at all; continue deceiving.

I write and write for pages so long.
I speak and speak in poems and song.
I talk and talk to people and more.
But still feel the emptiness' sore.

I breathe.
I live.
I love.
I die.

I am me.

Man Up

2011-11-14T02:06:00.001+08:00

People will have a lot of things to say about a lot of things, the thing is, we must filter and decide for ourselves what is right.

I've been unleashed to the working world close to 2 years now, and as previous post stated, ideals and dreams can fade.

Our mind contradicts, we think we have to work in a dead end job to provide but in return life has no meaning; we want life to have meaning but we think we can't end up with a dead end job, but we can fuse both - have a job and a meaningful life.

The problem with human cognition is that we always rationalize, not a bad thing to do but always doing it can stifle us. The other problem is that we always pre-planned our time. It's like using a credit card, we use future money to make ourselves feel good now.

The danger here is that we'll never know where the future money is coming from to pay it off. We could leave it to our future selves to figure it out, but that's just being a douche to your future self. Same with using time, we always plan to do things in the future, but when it comes we just postpone it or just say we can't do it.

That's a load of turd.

We move now, we make our own chances. No future is built by planning in the future, we should plan now for the future, not just dreaming of hypothetical futures to soothe our lack of self fulfillment now. If that is the case, no house will ever be built. We lay down the bricks to have a home, we start a revolution now to make sure we get to where we want to be.

Complacency will kill our dreams; "I will work now and travel later" - It's logical, it's rational, it seems like the right thing to do, but when the time comes, are we going to compromise and maybe skim off some of the plans and postpone it?

I may not make sense, but one thing i'm sure, we want it, we do it.

Reconciliation

2011-10-27T21:32:00.002+08:00

The funny think about thinking, is that when you think about it, you often find things you don't want to think about but ended up thinking about it anyway.

At this very moment, i like to think about money, where to get them, where to find them and how in the best possible way. With this thought, i think about how else can i spend the money if i had it, and to double it.

I come up with business ideas, business models, things to do, things i'm doing currently. And it's as if i had found what i should be doing, then i went ahead and think.

Like seriously think.

Been deprived of a good night sleep recently, made me had more time to just lie there and think, much like when i was in high school or uni, where i would just spend my time on bed alone, after a good read or a good day, just lie there, staring at the ceiling, appreciating the minor light shone by the street lamp outside my house into my room to give me a bit of warmth, the dogs barking, the winds howling, and just think.

So i gave a thought yo life, and how long i've come since whence i was younger and more idealistic.

Used to just want to jump on a ship and sail away, or just take a one way ticket to some country and just walk and work. Would want to go help people every where, go on mountain hikes and cycle down a beaten path. Explore waterfalls, fly a kite, try surfing.

But now, just want to spend a few nights out at mamak, have fun, and then go home and sleep. And i would think of how to generate money, with money i can do all of those things! Then begs the question, when will it be enough so i could start doing any of the above?

I see people just taking off and having fun wherever they are, don't get me wrong, money is still a concern to them, but they are happy off doing that instead of climbing the corporate ladder.

Where am i heading? Could i be a tent maker too and just go off?

How do i reconcile my current goals with my thoughts and actions?

How to do all this?

I hope i don't spend a lifetime figuring this out.

Rethinking

2011-10-07T13:37:00.001+08:00

Guess with the news of passing friends, prominent figures that's surrounding us these days, we tend to reevaluate life and priorities, just so to make sure we aren't pursuing worthless trivial things, and that we recognized mortality and it's effect.

I have came to realized how selfish i am when comes to my family, i keep appearing as someone who loves my family, but in actual fact, i use them as an excuse to stay stagnant. I do not realized how much my own parents are giving up in order to let us do what we want.

To be honest, my sister's wedding is tomorrow, and i have no part in the planning or helping out, and i felt okay, and then i hear my family complains and such, but they still do it anyway, why? I think it's because like for my mom, this is the closest she could get to having a wedding of one of her two children.

Maybe i won't get married or won't have the traditional wedding, maybe my family won't be around to attend it.

Since when i have turned to be such cynical person? I know i was judgmental, and hard to be friends with, but i never knew i was such a selfish person in a family.

Now in a unstable state of life, not sure what is next, or when the next big break is coming, just staying alive is a gift from God.

If i have to reevaluate life, i suppose i should start with what's my role in the family.

Sermon

2011-09-26T02:32:00.000+08:00

Today during sermon, i thought of something (yea, i wasn't entirely paying attention to the speaker!).

If we are Christians, and we know that our time on earth is limited, and that Jesus would return anytime, then why are we doing so many needless (in my opinion at least) things?

I can only speak for churches i've seen around here, but a lot are fixated on doing bigger things, better buildings, high-tech equipment for broadcasting sermons etc.

But to what end? If all things come to an end, then why waste so much time and effort on things such as the above?

The bulletin I got from the church i visited today mentioned in the front page that we are too focused on activities that we lose sight of what is truly needful.

By building bigger buildings, we are still excluding the poor, we welcome them of course, but in their shoes, would they think they are worthy of even trying to step in the building? The worship team is large and very talented, but how about those who has lower self esteem and those who thinks they are not good enough? Are we overlooking these people?

That being said, God blessed us with material things and money which all to use for His glory, so am not condemning the usage of the money God has willingly let us have, but more towards our internal drives/motives.

When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, a lot of things can be stripped away, a lot of our views should be aligned with Jesus'. But when we fixed our eyes on "Jesus", but the byproduct of it all is we are jolly and happy with things we can have and looking forward to have instead of be joyful and grateful with things we have and looking at the present needs then i think we truly lost sight of what being a Christian is.

I'm no saint, not a qualified preacher too, but i believe that we should focus our skills and strengths on things that are more urgent, and our focus our weaknesses to remind ourselves we need God.

I've mentioned before, the vision a friend implanted in me is still very much alive in my head: A warehouse church, just good enough chair to not break, a mic and a small set of speakers, one guitar, and fans, no air-conds, and we're good to go to have a Sunday worship.

But what happened to that vision? Those who voiced it are now doing other things, lost sight of it, or maybe have other priorities, and all we are left are talk, dreams, things that seems idealistic now.

Maybe, it's time to sit down and pray, again, and again.

To everyone.

2011-09-12T02:42:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry for being a jerk.

Colossal

2011-08-30T15:57:00.000+08:00

Forgiveness, is one of the hardest thing to do.

What is to forgive? A lot don't realize the power of forgiveness, and even more the cost of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not free, it's paid, and more often than not it's illogical.

To forgive, it's to let go of what has happened, to truly say the person has done you wrong but let's get past this, it's not just flawed forgiveness, whereby you will bring it up, it's the forgiveness where only by grace of God may we perform it.

Those who refuses to forgive, it's not them to be blamed, our human nature motivates us to act this way, it's not right, but not entirely wrong either.

We sway, we move on.

If it doesn't work out. Then move on.

When one day, you can truly forgive, maybe it's the day you learned something precious.

Till that day, just move on.

Candles

2011-08-10T18:33:00.000+08:00

Just candles lighting in the dark,

Shining, your time is coming up,

Dutifully doing is what it's about,

Even though time is running out.

Lighting up paths with its diminishing light,

Giving vision to those who needs it to those lost,

A small glow yet powerful when all is pitch black,

As it waste away the candle still goes on.

Just as it breathes it last,

Its time has come to past,

Surrounded by darkness' lust,

The candle bites the dust.

The candle soon to be forgotten,

But its duty never forsaken,

We are but passing candles,

Just humans jumping over hurdles.

Figuring Love

2011-07-26T10:57:00.000+08:00

Love has been a subject for many songs, movies, dramas, motivation, fights and what not. Why is love so important?

I do not presume to be an expert in the topic of love, rather i'm figuring out still what this really is.

In the bible, it is written that there are 3 things: faith, hope and love, and that love is the greatest among them all.

I could see why, because God the Father, in His Son's worst moment decided to turn his face away from Him in order to demonstrate the greatest love of all - to let His Son die for all our sins in order to give way for sinners like us to go to God.

It is also written the there is no greater love than for a friend to lay down his life for another friend.

But outside the context of religion, love also prevails in songs, where some of it misconstrued it as sex, some of it like a fairy tale.

But what is it really?

I wish i knew the answer, love isn't easy, it isn't easy to say it to someone because to love someone is to accept the person for who he/she is, and that is a problem to me, it is hard to accept a lot of people for who they are, same goes for others towards me, to love me is to accept me and i know i am not easy to be loved.

The problem with love is that it can lead people to do the dumbest of things - suicide, kidnapping, rape.
This is what i label as perverted love, the love they have for one another is perverted, very much like sodom and gomorrah.

But the other end of love is when Abraham, despite all the despicable things the people were doing in those cities, pleaded with God to spare them.

Hosea, when his unfaithful wife ran off repeatedly, his love for her is so great that it overwrites all of the things she has done and still win her back.

Joseph, his love for God was so great that he was not tempted when he was seduced in order to preserve the sanctity of the lady's marriage and to preserve his body for a lover God set apart for him.

Love, so pure, so powerful.

i'm beginning to fall in love with a person, and in time i want to let her know that.

Man Of God (again)

2011-07-19T03:08:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I'm a liar sometimes I'm a fake
sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
sometimes I'm a poet sometimes I'm a preacher
sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God

Sometimes I don't feel good
it's hard to start the day
it's hard to climb the obstacles
that sometimes come my way
if I make it, I'm a good man
am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
so I let grace prevail

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God I'm ready for the night

-Man of God, Audio Adrenaline-

I'm not the man i used to be, but can i become what God wants me to?

I'll never...

2011-07-16T02:49:00.002+08:00

Learn.

Waves of Time

2011-07-14T17:27:00.000+08:00

The web has been flooded with stories of a recent rally, and everyone has an opinion, and by right they should. Everyone should have the right to say something, but must be a prudent reader, have some common sense to stand on the side of the fence which you think is right.

I am for the rally, anything to do with moving forward is always deemed worthy in my eyes, thought my presence was excluded that day, but my heart remains present and the cause i hold dear to me.

===

I had a good time in Sarawak, being at the Rainforest World Music Festival, good fun with good friends, but as all good things does, it comes to and end and hurled back to where i am before i left.

Picking up my slacks, facing trials as usual, what's the difference?

Yesterday a friend told me the gospel as it was, basic, basic instructions, principle of parsimony, simplicity at its best.

And it was refreshing, instead of the convoluted crap we have nowadays.

And he was right, faith is needed when comes to God and us, to make sense of it all would explode our brains.

And more than ever, i need faith.

Pray for me.

Would you kindly?

The Thomas Gown Affair

2011-06-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

So many weddings next few months, including my sis'

So should be fun, though the idea of hot bridesmaid is not something i look forward to nowadays.

Met a friend couple days back, and this person seemed worn out and more depressed when i last saw him a little less than a year ago.

Work has got to him.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope is important, thought Love might be the greatest among them all, but i personally think Hope works just as important and definitely not mutually exclusive.

Must always hope things will change for the better.

My friends just needs to have a bit hope that with the decision that has and going to be made will be of good towards that person.

That being said, always hope this country will turn out for the better.

Let's hope for a good year ahead.

So far, 2011 is rocking.

Peter And Mary

2011-06-24T01:19:00.002+08:00

"There's no time for sorrow when there's no such thing as time"

-Spider-Man The Musical-

Still of the night

2011-06-12T04:03:00.000+08:00

In the still of the night

It's where i find isolation

Not a distraction in sight

Where it helps with thought collection

Where once it was confusing now appear clear

A resounding peace I'll obtain

The obstacles in the mind disappear

Nothing but mind rejuvenation gained

In the still of the night

It's where i encounter myself

To try to turn wrongs to right

To nurture the soul back to health

Where i express my thought

My hopes, dreams and aspirations

Of higher counsel i will sought

To hopefully derive an divine intervention

To able to end the night alone

Tis truly a magnificent feat

God listens from His throne

As i lay on my bed falling asleep

Come dawn come a new day

To live a life to call my own

To be able to truly say

I'm able to face to me whatever thrown

Pooped

2011-06-10T01:43:00.000+08:00

This week was a theme of growing up!

This week's episode of South Park was possibly horrifyingly gross (due to all the shit) but the ending was a very bittersweet ending.

Without saying much, it would seem the creators are on the verge of bidding goodbye as South Parks runs it's 15th season. That is about 15 years since it came out! I was 10 years old then!

I was also flipping through photo albums from whence i was young till about high school, a lot of hidden memories surfaced and it was good. It's funny to know how you ended up here, yet still as surprised to what you once were.

As we grow up, we build more memories, we absorb more, in the process deletes older memories.

A lot has changed.
And will continue to do so.

The thing we should keep in mind: What will i do?

Progress, don't regress.

To The Moon

2011-06-02T13:32:00.000+08:00

"Up" the animated movie by Pixar Films was one of their best films yet, and i'm immensely impressed by the great concept and satisfying premise which led to be one of the top films i've seen on my list.

In the first 20 minutes of the movie, i've already formed tears in my eyes as the wordless scenes unfolded before my eyes and demonstrated that life can indeed be beautiful when spending with the right person and that dreams keeps us going.

The sad part was the unfulfilled dream, and with the void left by the death of the protagonist's spouse, it was not hard to identify with the protagonist that the last thing he could do for his wife was to fulfill the dream they had when they first met. The hollowness of life can be a thorough motivator yet devastating if left alone. Thus, brings us to the crux of the story in "Up" - finding another reason to move on.

But what was the real draw for me was really the balloons, we've all dreamt that the helium inflated balloons could one day whisk us away to the unknown, to adventures beyond our imagination and to infinity and beyond!
And "Up" has used that idea to help the protagonist to fly away into a far away land.

Life's like that, I know i've been saying a lot, and a lot more words has passed through my mouth than actions did my hands, unfortunately, it's not so simple, i am a flightless creature, my balloon, i believe, are coming up, but the rate of helium being pumped in is slower than i would like it to be.

That being said, a balloon flight would be all kinds of cool. And the closest i can get for now is dream.

Not to make this all depressing, but always good to know that there are bigger things in life, and life does not end here.

Red, blue, pink and indigo,

Does all these colors take me to where i want to go?

Orange, green, white and red,

I often wonder as i lie on my bed.

Onto a magical adventure I could be,

Flying dragons, mystical creatures I'd see!

Maybe a quest to find the dungeon key,

To dispel the land from magic and sorcery!

The sun rises and soon I'm awake,

My dreams gone as easy as it was made.

Greens, whites, black and pink,

It means differently in this world I'm in.

Whisked away the time of my years,

Death subtly waiting with his quiet cheers.

Soon I'll be left with naught,

An ambition now a lingering thought.

Whose to say what went right or wrong?

Door to the grave is singing its song.

What comfort left shall I cling to?

Nothing left but a waiting fool.

Balloon Flight

2011-06-01T10:48:00.000+08:00

It's been slightly more than 2 weeks that i was off work from my previous job.

I do enjoy this time off, to do things i really want, meet people and actually have a life. Yes, the financial worries starts to sink in right about now and is looming over my head all day long. But i still got a bit to survive on.

But that's just it isn't it? With prices hiking up but salaries remain low, cost of living goes up, no minimum wage, all short term benefits for the country to stimulate for money for themselves, to probably build more useless buildings, waste more money on things that don't really matter to others.

People who leaves M'sia gets more benefit what with tax cuts if they come back here, while the people who chose (or not) to stay behind suffers the lack of money, the full blown taxable amount.

How is this fair? I read an article, an opinion of one saying that other countries are worst off, guess what, your opinion sucks. We are not fucking living in another country, we are here, our problems are pertaining to this place. Ally McBeal once taught me "my problems isn't the biggest in the world, but they are to me because they are MY problems"

Same goes for us, we're stuck in this country, some of us may never move out, so why aren't we better taken care of? You want to cut subsidy of necessities, fine by me, give us minimum wage, a guideline on what is to be paid to us. Saying that earning about Rm2k+ in KL is enough to survive is not a solution, get off your lofty chairs and live like us for once. I'm freaking 25, and i can't afford to live anywhere, can't afford to buy a car, can't afford to invest in a good property.

Our plan was supposed to eliminate poverty by God knows when, but with your irresponsible actions, your political power play, the time you spend covering your own asses could be better spent making up better policies. But no, we're getting poorer by the way, being forced to be sucked into this thing call repetitive work, just so we can put food on the table, buy baby milk, pay more taxes.

Brain drain, and you all wonder why this is happening.

I can't anymore, i love this country, but sometimes the future is so bleak the alternative seems to be just pack and leave, you're right, maybe leaving will be worst off, but there are some testimonies that hard work pays off elsewhere, you never try you'll never know.

Ultimately, your allegiance is to your self, self-preservation comes first, so there really isn't any loyalty issue involved, if you don't take care of your people, don't expect them to stick around, same rules applies to every organization out there.

We're all scared. I am scared, of a lot of things, of life, of what i am going to do next, of whether i'll be able to do what i want to do next, of death, of people.

We have to move on. But we're scared.

I'm scared.

Flipside

2011-05-24T02:04:00.001+08:00

2nd time I've been to church since a year ago.

Still the same. Having mixed feelings about it.

I realized I never had a buddy who stood around long enough to watch my rise and fall (and hopefully an eventual rise again). A few of them are taken away by circumstances. While some remained but are caught up in their own routine to actually listen.

Nobody's fault, I've haven't been around for a lot of people. And when people tell me I'm a good friend, I doubted it.

Eventually we all move on. And tonight was a good night. My good friend came back from overseas and was pushing the right button.

All you need sometimes is one nudge.

Ideals

2011-05-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

I was younger, maybe 18, or was it 17.

Head filled with ideals, what a perfect world should be, how we should run the world.

It was good times, albeit slightly impractical.

I remembered we'd said we build a church, using a factory lot, deprived of air conditioning and comfy seats, in exchange for just pure presence of the people to worship God. But the person who said it, has gone to marry and settled down in another country.

I remembered we'd give to the poor every now and then. But all of us forgotten and left that behind.

I remember a lot of things, things that either bear no weight now, or have been unintentionally forgotten.

But as we grew up, things like responsibilities, practicality, reality falls onto us like a crashing rain. Things we never thought would befall us befell us, and now grip us, choking the ideals out of us.

Us, maybe it's just me.

Faced with temporary unemployment, an aging body and a cynical outlook, ideals seems to be the least of my concerns.

--

After almost a year, i stepped back into a church, this church was a church i have not previously attended on any given Sundays, so i went, and surprise surprise, nothing's changed, not to me anyway, the people were still nice, songs were still sung.

What was i looking for? Why must it be different? So i'm different? I've changed.

I've strayed. For how far and how long? I have no answer to that.

Morally Bankrupt

2011-05-08T19:36:00.000+08:00

With the power of the internet, a lot of people are voicing their opinions online. Whether with merit or not, the public still inevitably gets influenced by it.

I think one of the main problems (apart from all the good stuff it gave us like freedom of speech, a lil bit of transparency etc) is that we're defined by it.

Like it or not, there are just too many people in this world, we cannot be bothered to properly know each and every one before we make an evaluation on their being.

If one person keeps advocating social responsibility and what not, they'll label this person a saint, while others will also find fault with that person.

A person puts off indie music and will be judged as extremist, pretentious or having real taste in music.

With all this going on globally, it's no wonder the real crux of the problem remains hidden, like someone posting up a sad update, immediately we either say "what's up?" or think to ourselves "c'mon, not again?"

I still think nothing beats a human torch, correct, i agree, with internet, we voice out more, but remember we take our information too lightly, with one thing in mind that i've always reminded myself of is..

Information is power.

With information, you can crush or destroy, create and bless.

We should be wary of what we post, even if it merits the truth, we should always study the facts first.

That being said, a lil update on my life:

I am going to have a slight change in my life, as i venture out of desk job to a sales job.

Hoping that this is what i will find passion in before i kick in my long term plans.

Apart from that,helping a friend prepare a wedding is quite fun, the people involved are one of the more bubbly bunch and it's quite a refreshing take from the other circle of friends.

Bus Stop

2011-05-02T19:27:00.000+08:00

Waiting.

Live involves a lot of waiting. Be it waiting to go to school, waiting to get off school, waiting to go to sleep after a long day. Waiting for the weekends to come, waiting for pay day, waiting for that special someone to turn up in your life.

Waiting for a miracle, waiting for the war to stop, waiting for a loved one in a bus terminal.

Waiting.

In between waiting, we will do something. Often small things to carry us through, to help us achieve the goals we want to achieve.

Some see waiting as an opportunity to do every thing else - travel, read a book, meet up with friends, have fun, get drunk, go pray etc. But ultimately we're waiting.

On the flip side, you have death waiting for you, waiting to rob you of your life, your last breath, your loved ones, your sight, taste, smell etc.

So what do we do before then? We would not know how long we would have to wait before death finally caves and come to knock on our doors.

The real peril would be what if we do not know that we're waiting? We think we have a lot of time - time to get promoted, time to date before marriage, time to grow old, time to do every thing else but live?

I have a friend who cannot stand waiting idly, she has to be somewhere everywhere or always getting busy.

I have a friend waiting to get married.

I have a friend waiting to get out of a job.

Every one is waiting.

I am waiting.

We're constantly on a bus that keeps dropping us so another bus will come by.

While we wait, let's wait moving forward, not looking back.

Zebra

2011-05-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

When art thou appearing?

When will this wait end?

Chorus

2011-04-25T01:06:00.000+08:00

I want to make prints on the sand

As i do that holding you by the hand

I want to run along the stream

Holding one another as we dream

I want to look towards the sky

And pretend to be birds so we can fly

I don't know what the future holds

I just know i'm not letting go

I...

2011-04-20T02:05:00.000+08:00

...think i have fallen

to depths of the deep seat

...know that i'm finding

a ground to stand on

...thought about it long and hard

but still i came to no conclusion

...remembered the beach and bright lit moon

the wind breeze caressing my face

...saw the boats chattering in the sea

swaying their bodies as if dancing

...received an astounding revelation

not as if it hadn't happened before

...caught a glimpse of what was in stored

a life that was less secure

...decided to take the leap of faith

and trade security with meaning

...ran a thousand miles in my head

and was happy that i did

...smiled at you but you were reading

a book that was strange to me

...thought of talking to you

but you've alluded me

...vowed no more of this

Carpe Diem my new found chant

...foresee a future after a chapter ends

one forged with hardship and fears

...grasp your hand with all my might

with worries but surely moving forward

...laughed at the sheer revelation

one that was so simple but effective

...buried the dead cut off the living

to keep only the essentials

...packed my bags bought my ticket

awaiting for my train to board

...eagerly imagined all of this

things that have not come to pass

...felt the warmth in my heart

knowing that as of now it will last

...could say more

but words fail me

...trust in the One before

and i shall trust once again

...rest my case.

flightless

2011-04-18T01:17:00.000+08:00

Rio. what a great movie.

the thought of being a flightless bird really sums up a lot of people's lives.

we're caged. in our own mindset our own culture our own excuses.

cyclical death is what we've gotten ourselves into.

just like the source code movie taught us. don't waste a minute, don't wait.

i'm done waiting. time to fly.

time to soar and take flight.

it's time.

Where is my mind?

2011-04-11T18:00:00.000+08:00

Let me walk this earth with you.

Jet Plane

2011-04-06T00:45:00.000+08:00

I have dominance over the living room once again.

The ascension to becoming man of the house was not an easy one.

My dad flew off today, wished him best of luck. At least he'll be back soon.

The absence of my dad cannot be compared the the loss of another person's dad.

How fragile life is, a day's event changes the life course of others.

My condolences to you, my friend.

The sorrow i felt for you cannot be on par with the sorrow that befalls you.

Somebody's Fool

2011-03-31T22:50:00.000+08:00

Open Documents Folder --> Click resignation letter --> Dated back then 01 March 2010

Today.

End of March.

Well, it's the deja vu kind of feeling. But nevertheless it's a step forward.
Yet. It is also a step backward.

I distinctly remember that last year around this time, i did a post on how i feel useless, and i was referring to how my dad at this age cannot take a break and still finding work and is further from the grandson he really loves.
And i was heartbroken.

But then he retired.

But due to circumstances, he has to go off again, once again probably missing his grandson's upcoming birthday.

It made me rethink a lot things in life.

A lot.

You say i bring bad culture, i say i'm bringing diversity.

You say i'm incompetent, i say your working style is inefficient.

You say good riddance, i say it's nothing personal, just business.

Milestone

2011-03-14T21:54:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, March 15th 2011 will mark that it has been a year since i joined this working place.

A fellow colleague asked, "A year, what have we achieved?"

I could list down a lot, experience, friends I've gained and lost or in the midst of losing. The hardships, the laughter, the small doses of hope, the small doses of smile.

But the truth hits, i could never achieve more than certain people have done in a day.

A fruit seller, died and sparked revolutions.

A missionary, murdered, bred a new beginning for a tribe otherwise ignored by the world.

A woman, gave two copper coins, gave more than anyone could at that time.

Maybe it's time for the revolution of the self (you've read it here first!).

I would imagine at every point of a person's life, they will have a revolution of the self. It's the point where the realization of how short of life is meets what you hope to accomplish. Mind you, this revolution can happen multiple times, but i would imagine the first time is the most crucial. The mind is a powerful thing, when the revolution takes place, what follows is the mind consolidating the process and outcome. Which by then may already acknowledged you've paid the ultimate price and never allow that to happen.

For example, you quit a stable job because you want to help people in the poorer parts of the world. After a few years, you realized you can't do this anymore, you want back a city life, at this point, the revolution of the self may occur again, but your mind may intervene and don't allow because you paid the price and going back would mean regression, a step backward, hence you'd still be unhappy.

But the great thing about the revolution of the self, is that it's the ultimate break it or make it situation, it can take you from an unhappy state to a happy state, though there may be setbacks, as most revolution does, you'd know eventually something good will happen, but not without sacrifices.

Not without sacrifices.

Then Then Then

2011-03-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

"come back to church, we need more young people"

"come back to church, we need more people to serve"

That is your pitch to me to try to get me back to church?

Nice try. Even a kid could come up with better things to say. I appreciate the honesty, i really do. But i guess your honesty does not come with concern of my wellbeing, or my spiritual being in that sense. And you wonder why i left in the first place?

Sunday night.

Complains resound all over the net about dreading to go to work (applicable to working people only).

Complains. But nothing is done about it.

Why?

Why?

To resist is to persist, that sometimes can be a burden.

Take down a dictator or just live a life with rules?

It's not so simple.

Yet it is.

Got enough cheese? Yes, and you too.

2011-02-25T01:05:00.000+08:00

From the first sight of you

My heart was captured

Thought you were cool

The loneliness been murdered

When i spoke first to you

I choked at my words

Looking like a fool

My heart shrunk from a size to a third

Constantly noticing you

Constantly trying to get noticed

Ring of fire i'll jump through

Just to steal one kiss

Think you and i aren't meant to be

First i'm not type

Second am not a looker nothing to see

Now from you i want to hide

So back to sitting here doing nothing

Staring at you hoping for nothing

My heart now just became nothing

As my life returns to nothing.

Only In

2011-02-22T01:11:00.000+08:00

The noise.

But they are good noise.

When i need an escape, i turn to sleep. To dreams.

Some days, i believe my dream was a real memory, on one hand it means i'm close to going nuts, on the other hand, well, there is no other hand.

But vivid dreams are the ones that makes me wake up stunned.

They sometimes remind me of someone i've not seen for a long time, and i contact them when i wake up.

Sometimes it comes up as some scene that would never happened in real life.

But what it never shows is the future.

Which was kind of a bummer.

Nevertheless.

The dream i appreciate most, is to have the ability to fly.

Escapism, flying, wonder if they are correlated positively?

Ode To The Family

2011-02-18T01:26:00.001+08:00

A Short Story:

Tom drew a lighter from his pocket, his hands were shaking due to nervousness as he lit the cigarette stick that was protruding out of his mouth. As he took a few puffs and blew the smoke out casually, he wonders what would his parents think of this - smoking.

His parents would not approve. But yet, if found out, probably will dish out just a few stern warnings and that was it. So Tom continued smoking; it calms him down.

Where he was standing, it overlooked the entire town, small little droplets of rain water fell on his face, cold air stings his body. But he stood there, the cigarette stick now a third of its original length. It seems strange, as the cold was crimson red, and the people walking from afar seem to be faceless.

But he thought nothing of it.

For that moment, the world seem to be at peace. For that one moment, life is great for Tom.

Tom.

Didn't realize he was now at a bridge, a bridge where it was built over a river flowing with what it seems to be like strings, millions of strings, pretending to be river water.

A girl.

Jessica. Appears. Tom takes a good look at her and concludes she is her lover.

Jessica.

For all the things he could do, Tom wouldn't trade this moment with her for anything else, not even to turn back time.

A leap.

Tom was plunging towards the river, while Jessica sobs and cries out his name.

The connection they have, now gone, as Tom is engulfed by the strings, still pretending to be river water.

Jerk.

Tom wakes up, thinking it's not a dream, but a memory of 50 years ago.

Lies.

His bed he lies. Tom looks out the window, the clouds is dark and arguing with one another. One cloud started crying.

Tom sighs.

That one moment.

That one.

Jessica.

I feel

2011-02-11T01:24:00.000+08:00

Defeated.

If i can't trust anyone, who do i have left?

Let me trust You again.

Reunion

2011-02-05T05:21:00.001+08:00

As the eve of chinese new year was before us.

3 of us sat around the small rectangular table, a platter of food fit for ten people was laid before us.

As mother was saying grace. I took a quick glance and noticed how much my parents aged.

One became frail and wrinkled, another worn out and slowed.

Myself, grown up.

How things have changed.

The dinner did not last long, the reunion was short lived, soon left just both mother and I, talking away about how good the food was.

Mother took it upon herself to clean everything up, and all i could do was thank her and watched as she packs things one by one away, returning to the life before the reunion dinner.

Her worn out eyes has seen a lot in life, and yet, a lot of things in life eludes her.

The bigger things she longs to enjoy may not come to her in this life, so she is happy with the little things - movies to watch, presence of grandson, the chatter among family members, gardening and current time gadgets that sometimes are beyond her comprehension.

This is the life of mother, a woman who had ambitious dreams when she graduated from high school, who found disappointment when her conservative mother forbade her to further her studies overseas in fear of her never returning to her homeland.

A woman who could have been successful in every aspect of life, unwillingly remained behind, working jobs after jobs, until she was married.

Bore two child, raised them up almost singlehandedly as her husband strove outside to make ends meet.

In a blink of an eye, 27 years has passed since then. Still trying to stretch the dollar. Still raising her kids even though they had already grown up.

The money she saved always ends up for the family, all those longing for travelling seems to disappear as time goes by.

Who knows how long will this continue? Who is to say that the mold cannot be broken?

A few things came across my mind: is she happy? Could at any point did she wish she could turn back time and start over?

As the clock struck midnight, subtly indicating the new year has dawn upon us, she opened the wooden door to my room, as i was holding my guitar, sitting on my bed, i noticed her eyes again, the little satisfaction that she was still able to give me a red packet, containing money which i do not need from her anymore. Money that i was supposed to give her and not take. She lied. She said that the two red packets are from her and father. But i know that the money was from her, and she is preserving what is left of a tradition which she is so accustomed to. I smiled and accepted, knowing that refusal would mean disrespect.

Thus begins a new year, a chinese one at that.

I kept the red packets aside, knowing that i will probably not use it.

What used to be a source of money for the new year has now been relegated to be a symbolic gesture, one that so few understand about.

This year, i am glad that it is unlike any other chinese new year.

Nomadic Hypocrites

2011-01-26T01:57:00.000+08:00

Just when hope needed to appear.

It did.

Regarding the friend's dad in my previous post, the dad is now awake, and most likely on the road to recovery,

I

Have

Savior's

Complex

It's not that serious as those articles you read when you Google it. But i realized i do have a form of it.

Basically i try to help anyone (whom i am bothered about) in whatever possible way i can. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't.

Not sure is it stemmed from my name or not, but it is a peculiar thing to have.

Maybe i dislike seeing people lagging behind me or suffer, i rather if they were on par with me or ahead.

But it sickens me, to see how society and their self made rules ruin people's lives.
Rules and laws are meant to benefit the people, not making them mindless slaves.

It sickens me. Deep within. To be confined to unreasonable expectations of others, when our full potential are on a leash.

It's unfortunate, and sometimes required.

How sick and twisted this world is.

If i sound like i am making myself to be a messiah, i'm not.

I just jacked out of this "matrix"

Mime emiM

2011-01-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

The theme of today is hope.

What is hope, a politician two years back used hope as his main slogan in his campaign.

Hope.

A powerful word indeed. With that word, he became a president, but through hope alone isn't enough, it must inspire.

As i watched Adventureland, there is a sense of hope in which the story's characters are driven by.

A tiny bit, but it's there.

As my friend's dad lies in the hospital, hope seems to be fleeting, but without it, the will to carry on would vanish with it as well.

A friend working overseas or out of state, hopeful to make it big, earn a decent living to have a comfortable life no matter how fucked up things are right now.

A hopeful dreamer, still dreaming about days where it'll work out for him as long as he tries.

Unfortunately, hope must be paid with effort and mindset.

One who does not try does not yield, or worse, does not know.

So for what it's worth, it's going to be a rocky year, but there is still hope.

For everyone tonight who needs hope, i hope for whatever or whoever they believe in, in their sleep they will find solace, even if only for a few hours.

Rule #32

2011-01-24T00:27:00.000+08:00

Enjoy the little things.

2011 was supposed to be an all ass kicking year.

So far has not been anywhere near it and January already coming to an end.

Maybe an exit plan is very much needed.

Enjoy the little things.

I've loathed the fact that every time i see something bad happened, i would go into rant mode and just rant.
Newspapers filled with news that really just brings the world down.
Age versus Meaningful Achievement

But

Enjoy the little things.

A small truth i found when watching Zombieland.

The innocent smile of a child.

The bat of eye from a person you like towards you.

The slip of tongue a friend made.

The quiet drives during the night alone.

The nights of silence.

The couple peacefully sitting together on the LRT.

A bottle of water after playing basketball.

The thought of someone.

That one song you hum but couldn't figure out who was the singer.

Enjoy the little things.

Some little things are worth living for.

Basic Space

2011-01-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

How far have i fallen if i feel like an atheist?

How far will i go to condemn others?

How far will i go?

How far,will i?

How far?

How?

Path One

2011-01-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

A year ago, death haunted my surroundings.

A friend committed suicide, a friend died in an accident.

A year ago, someone broke my heart and took a piece of me.

1 year ago, education ended and the fear of where to go and what to do found me again.

Yet the sense of adventure and new found passion to do different things came alive.

That very same moment a year ago, i sold my soul to a company, a self declared contract of one year.

How 1 year can make a difference, how 365 days can change a man (or woman).

Where am i now a year later?

Comfortable with not being a burden to the family. Passion to work and travel has diminished a little.

But still here, still the same.

But alas, this year started off with a marriage announcement, it started a chain of reactions that i think is forthcoming.

It was backed up by good friend coming back from other country. Supported by a good bunch of friends from different walks of life.

So how is this year going to not suck?

Give me a year.

I'll write about it.

It's

2011-01-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

It's not picking yourself up that is hard

Or not thinking about it

It's forgiveness.

Glass Looking

2011-01-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

Hence begin a new year.

It's clearly etched into my mind how 2010 went. So much so it burns.

Nothing went as planned.

But I've gained a lot.

Especially perspectives.

But all in all, a dip into the corporate sector and i feel how it taints, how it grows on you and slowly try to draw you to the deep end of the lake.

How are we going to be different than the mindless slaves justifying their cause when their cause is nothing more than actually just to serve to fill the fat cats with more money?

In Q3 of 2010, i lost my passion and dream, slowly dwindled with discouraging words from people, and pessimistic thoughts. The only thing kept me going was nothing.

Being nothing is as if showing God the finger. And no one shows the God Father the finger.

But here's hoping the year ahead is better.

I need to try.

I don't have a lot going for me, i was thinking of writing about how imperfect my family was. How i can be so tolerant of friends that don't understand me, how i waste my life sleeping it away.

I could.

Easy to blame.

Not easy to do something about it.

I've been saying a lot of things to alot of people about what i want to do.

Time to make it happen.

If not i'll admit defeat and jack myself into the matrix.

Sally

2010-12-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

I like Christmas at the core.

People say giving is truly receiving, i beg to differ.

Receiving is a validation of existence and appreciation by a lot of people.

That being said, in this world, there are a lot of people who are lacking in validation.

Easy to say we don't need validation, but to some extent we do.

So to those who have been kind to me.

Thanks. Appreciate it. Merry Christmas

Trickle

2010-12-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's like no one thinks anymore.

Everyone became just a side taker.

An opinion is form, another against it.

Each side will have its supporters, but not critical thinkers, just follow what is right to them.

Idiots.

But we need people like this, too much thinkers and nothing gets done. Too many followers and we'll have a mess.

That is life, balance.

But there isn't one is there?

This world is full of shit you read in newspapers. So full of crap you just want to wish it away.

But to survive doesn't mean to compromise or betray yourself.

To survive is to know your priorities.

To live is to learn.

Flashes

2010-12-22T00:32:00.001+08:00

I accidentally opened a folder

Saw a set of pictures

The past weight appeared on my shoulders

The flash of my life featured

I saw what happened 3 years ago

How i ended up here

The worst of the reflection shows

The hideous part of my fears

Bury the hands that touched you

Bury the legs that walked with you

Sew the lips that spoke words to you

Blind the eyes that belongs to a fool

Leave the dead alone

Throw away the keys

Your sins i will not atone

Whispered the withered trees

I've clicked the red box with the X

Shut away the past

Refrain from giving you a text

The emotions away i thrust

If you shall chance upon this

Know that I've shed enough tears

After all, at the very least

Know that you have the best of my years.

Star Bright

2010-12-21T00:45:00.001+08:00

Some of the years during Christmas, we'd put up a tree, a fake one, but nevertheless a tree, we'll decorate it with cheap flickering LED lights. Put a star on the top. Presents below.

It was like in the story books, or those you see in the television.

Sometimes i would just sit in the living room staring at it, thinking it's all good. Life was good.

It wasn't a family tradition, it's not every year we have a tree, could be we forgot about it, or we don't care enough to put it, or simply no money.

Life was alright, with or without the tree.

This year, i came back home two days ago, and saw this mini Christmas tree my family has put up, with lights and small present. All of it sitting on top of a coffee table.

But something isn't right, or wasn't normal.

Life.

We've changed. Time has not been so merciful upon us after all. What a pity.

Pity indeed.

It used to be the world was safe, i could run back to my mom and everything will be normal.
Didn't care where money came from. Didn't care if there was going to be a celebration.

Just like to be home, in my cozy room.

But now, work beckons, we've got extra family members, the need to be out with others to enjoy so to not to waste a good weekend.

It seems to have been reversed.

My aging parents are now older, more fragile, less energetic, retired.
While i am taking over the role to help provide for the money.
The world is more hostile than before.
Dreams slowly fading with the passing of time.

The tree seems smaller now, the room not as cozy as before.

Used to be innocent carols, laughter and food.

Now cynical, manipulative and silly.

The friends i once knew disapproved of the changes.

The other friends i know became another entity.

All that really left is still this tree.
And sadly, i've realized how much i've distanced myself from everything everyone. Living in a shell pretending to know where i am going or what i am doing, but all i really am, is shit scared inside.

I should put out my share and put some presents under the tree.

I sat there watching these lights,

Thinking, pondering, contemplating, sighing,

I came upon a conclusion,

I am still but a child.

Divine Disappointment

2010-12-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know why i am still thinking about God.

Thought i had put that behind me.

But i didn't.

And that's the problem, you're torn in between living a life you want and trying to reconcile with the one you think God wants for you.

So far, it's pretty good living like you couldn't care less about God. And you resent Christians who try to be preachy.
There is a guy who mistreated up till early this year, who has the nerves to come up to me and preach me, via book face, or whatever!

Who the hell is he to preach to me about God when all i did was trying to be nice to him and he treated me like i was a leper (granted, friends do refer to me as a leper)??

The frustration.

In the end of this blogpost, i do think God is necessary, even if atheist or others think that it is a figure so we can have hope.

I digress... right about now.

Waves

2010-12-08T00:32:00.000+08:00

I fell sick today.

Fever and what not.

Felt like crap.

Slept the whole day.

Missed out on paid activities.

In my sleep, i have weird dreams. But one recurring one is always a group of friends keep abandoning me.

You can say i have abandonment issues.

Or you can say i am turning into a super villain.

I can exact my revenge on people who've wronged me.

I could.

But i probably wouldn't.

We're all messed up in some ways.

I rather use and incorporate into a comedy routine.

Christmas is near.

A friend said "don't you feel it? end of the year you just wanna have a girl friend and spend christmas with"

i said "no"

Unicycle

2010-12-03T00:55:00.002+08:00

Don't you know the sun it's shining for you

the earth is turning just as you do

my heart will always be for you everlong

the steps you take the flowers it will follow

the words you say to the heart it pierces through

the gaze you gave is engrave deep within in me

deep within in me

so i surely will be there

forever where you are

wish upon a star

that we will go far

Err

2010-11-28T23:46:00.001+08:00

For the first time in a long time, i spent the weekend at home, mostly to myself, not stepping out of the house.
It was easy to do because family was away, friends were either working or busy.

The morning was great - caught up on some tv shows, light reading and casual surfing.

The afternoon was more of nailing some things which people consider a waste of time down like gaming and napping.

Nights were the best, the cool air visited, rain fell and lights were dimmed, chose to turn in early (usually i push till my last ounce of strength before i collapse and sleep) and i could hear my thoughts running wildly, putting thoughts into perspectives, string of words into coherent sentences, pictures into portraits of stories.

This was what i missed.

During schooldays, that was what i used to do. And i think at that point i was more clear minded.

Now, cynical, aging, quick to pass judgment, lost, confused.

At least not pretentious?

At least not pretentious.

Sometimes the only thing that kills me is the eyes of the woman who bore me for nine months.

That stare of disappointment, the gaze of what she hopes of me but i refuse to comply.

It's raining now.

It's fucking raining now.

And i like.

Fool Me

2010-11-14T05:43:00.000+08:00

Some people are fooled by things they see on the telly and they hold it true to their heart.

One such thing: The One.

It is not Neo from the Matrix, but about the one Girl you have to marry in your life.

Either way, both also aren't realistic as scriptwriters portrays them to be.

The problem about the one is that we tend to have this idea of what our ideal partner should be, this is where our downfall begins:

There is an impossible standard set, look, this is what i want in a girl

rocker chick who can dish out mean riffs on a guitar
a gamer
can talk shit with
doesn't mind dating at mamaks all the time
likes just chilling and doing nothing, even if it means sitting in silence

but we all don't get what we want, you can't have the god damn cake!

If you do find someone who fits the criteria, i think she is a ROBOT! RUN!

WIP

2010-11-06T05:04:00.001+08:00

lately i've been thinking

about all the things that we've

seen through the eyes of a

man with the blue eyes

and realized that we are all falling down

The moon in the sky and the

sandcastles that lie on the beach

the only thing left that is missing is

you and me looking over the sea without a thought or a sound

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found

we are all falling down

we've been deceived by the curtain of this world

and we've been led to believe the stories have all been told

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found

we are all falling down

We are all drowning out

will you stay here with me?

Faint

2010-11-02T00:55:00.000+08:00

A story about a man

Who got disenchanted with religion

He started questioning all that he can

Taking it down was his mission

He tore away his ties with friends

Said things that couldn't be taken back

A broken relationship he wouldn't mend

Darkness in his mind hacked

It's been almost 10 years or was it 7?

That you walked away in the land of rising sun

I guess i couldn't understand then

Why you choose to hide, you choose to run

I now finally got it
Eyes opened and understood
Everything you said you to the heart it hit
Now if i only could

Tell you that i understood.

Islander

2010-10-31T23:35:00.002+08:00

The breeze paid a visit during dinner earlier today, it brought back a not so distant memory of a place where time seems to be still, a land in the world of its own, where worries of the world is far away.

The breeze that lifted all burdens from the shoulder just for that one moment.

A cold bottle of beer, good company and the sand accompanying your feet.

Unnecessary fire fighting to be the brightest with the full moon. The sound of serenity filled the air.

I have a newfound love. My secret mistress. That awakened pleasure.

A man who does not work shall not eat.

Those words rang true.If it weren't for the work and experience of the year, i don't think i would have came this far.

A good friend told me the time shall come, and i trust her.

I will wait.

Life may not be like the movies, but it sure is hell not going to stop me from using my imagination to run it.

Tonight, the wind carried a message

A long lost scribbles, a torn book page

To free myself from this cage

To be my very own sage

Fare

2010-10-30T05:32:00.000+08:00

It takes a whole lot of courage to deal with changes; death, marriage, birth, break ups etc.

It also takes a whole lot of courage to remain the same. Same life, same mindset, same expectations.

That's where you'll see a gap between change and staying the same. What is between that gap is choice.

And i choose to make that choice to change.

It is only logical, to change that is, to make a leap forward.

On one hand, remaining the same is to be consistent and stable, on the other, to admit defeat and just live life without trying to be different.

It's a double sided coin situation. You are what you think.

I want to believe my actions makes a difference.

That the hand that could cause so much destruction can be used to love.

The mouth to curse to be used to encourage.

The feet that trudge through blood to help move someone to another place.

The eyes that sins to be used to admire the beautiful creations of the world.

In all the fires all the rain

The wailing of the martyred Saints

The emotional baggages on our train

It's the smile that carries us through our pain

On a different note

2010-10-18T02:07:00.000+08:00

... i do want to love. Fear grips me.

"The end of fear is where love begins" - Goo Goo Dolls.

Paper Planes

2010-10-18T02:01:00.001+08:00

This week was a handful.

Went for report presentation which said report was written by me.

Presented to client by director.

I was contented, i could see my hard work paying off.

I was happy, i could do this forever.

Life seems to be taking a turn, maybe working here isn't such a bad thing after all.

It's a lie.

---

I thought about it long and hard. To really comprehend what was going on, i took couple hours to think about it.
And i am not sure why i treasure the human interaction so much, it affects me. I had to leave for band practice, but i felt myself striving hard to pry myself away from my office because i wanted to stay to talk.

It didn't make any sense.

---

It was good, we played our best tonight for a talent search competition.

Though the weather kept me weak in my head, but the sense of achievement (however significant or not) kept me going on. Made a couple of new friends.

Secretly i hope we make it to the finals, realistically i don't think i am there yet to even play at the finals.

---

Watched a movie.

I love the creativity used in the movie.
It struck me midway, i want to do stuff like this.

I cannot, i am not happy at work, not the job, not the people, generally just being useless, doing things that don't seem to have any real contribution.

How could i be blinded by pseudo achievements? Writing a report to help someone sell more products, what good would that do?

Writing music, hiking mountains, writing a play a movie, sipping coffee in an unknown town.
That's what makes me want to live.

Money.

Shit. You're right, people have been telling me i need money for all those stuff. I should focus on making myself financially free, stable, i should invest my life in 3-5 years of hardwork of some program that could make me set for life.

I am tempted, i am persuaded.

But i can't help to think that isn't that the same as working?

Someone told me it's working 10 hours a week for 3 years compared to 9-5 job for 30 years.
Agreed.
But no thanks.

I feel the need for something more.

If i die not doing that. Then yea, fuck my life.

But i will die trying.

For now, i keep myself going by seeing my nephew growing up, happy i have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, good friends to keep me going on, and a dream that will never die.

You ask me if i a happy?
Yes i am.

"I'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one" - John Lennon

Runaways

2010-10-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

As i watched there all the kids with their parents, i think that there is hope for the nation.
-
The past weekend i spent a lot of time with myself, then i spent some time trying to understand other people, and i just got more confused in the end.
-
The lushes of green, the oceans waves hitting the rocks and making a thunderous sound, the smell of salt carried by the winds, i think i could die happy there.
-
Everywhere i look, every small thing reminds me of you, but, the truth is, it just a chapter i wish to burn.
-
i wrote poems for you, sing songs for you, make a fool of myself for you, only to have other reap the harvest
-
It's like a comedian, making people happy, but who knows if he is the one that wants to be happy?
-
I'd fly a plane just to reach to you.

fly the ocean in a silver plane

see the jungle when it's wet with rain

just remember till you're home again -

you belong to me

You belong to me cover, Jason Wade

Linger

2010-09-27T01:14:00.000+08:00

In the silent of the night

You took off in your flight

To achieve your dreams

Let joy now be your theme

Nothing is quite at it seems

Nothing is as what it means

One day a man will leave his home

In this world to establish his throne

The mountain and the seas

The sunsets and the trees

The moon and the stars

The earth and its scars

The man and his wife

The birth of a new life

The death and the sorrow

The uncertainty of tomorrow

The life after earth

The forever and its turf

The end and the origin

The Truth that lies within

The patience and the wait

The things left unsaid

The wants and the needs

The desire within breeds

The broken the pieces

The hits and misses

The fragility of the heart

The end of a start

All.

Once

2010-09-20T00:56:00.001+08:00

It was hot, skin was irritated, the weather would have take my life if it could.

But i wasn't complaining.

I wasn't unhappy.

In fact i was so proud of myself.

It would had been a normal Sunday, save that earlier in the week. Received a message in fb; an invitation to a Raya open house from a high school ex classmate (whom i have not seen for a really long time)! My immediate thoughts were "Yea! Rendang! FOOD!"

But as the day drew closer, as always, i will be reluctant to go, because i know i will be tired and Sunday is before Monday, meaning i rather stay home and chill than to go someplace i'm not too sure about, potentially turning into a disaster and the next day have to go to work.

Then i had an interesting conversation with a friend.

I told him i got invited to the house and was lazy to go.
He stopped me right there and reminded me what we've talked about some time back.

=======================

I've never really seen eye to eye with this whole racial thing going on in our country. Sometimes i disagree with Christians who say we must get involved and keep invoking the Christian word.

I don't see how is that going to help. You're a citizen of Malaysia regardless of religion and race.
The more you emphasize the more people are just going to find things to dispute with you.
Case in point: 1Malaysia

People been attacking it, been saying a lot of terrible stuff. Then there are some who advocates it and said it was present since the day Malaysia was born.

But the whole point is, we are here now in this country, talking shit, posting news link on Facebook is not going to help.

I really really disagree with people posting links and notes on Facebook and then comment under it saying how bad our country is.
Even if i do agree, what are you going to do about it? Nothing! You just want to create awareness, fine, but don't speak something malicious or accusatory towards it. You're not helping, you're fueling hatred.
Other than that, you just go about your every day, how is that helping?

We have the luxury of being in another religion and have some form of choice, but they don't. You're born with it, you're stuck with it, that's what is imprinted in their minds since they were infants. We automatically segregate ourselves from them.

Honestly, think about it, how many Malay friends do you have and keep contact with, my guess is most of us don't, me included, if you have good for you.

People fear of the unknown, hence we keep pushing what we feel is "right" in their face without love is just going to make them retreat further into their own world.
Where is the love?

=======================

My friend and i talked about how we should never abandon them.

If there is a chance to reconnect go for it, show them we do care, show them we bleed just like they bleed.

And most of all, they are friends, regardless of everything.

I was then determined to attend the open house despite my own heart's protest.
I checked the message again, asked for the address, find a friend who was going to go with me.
Checked the invite list, i was the only chinese from my own class. How honored i was (well mostly because i am a bit more apparent on fb :p )

And though it was awkward, because i did not have much contact with them since high school, but i did managed to reconnect with a couple of them and at least was there when they cared to ask me to be.

I am not playing the holier-than-thou card.

I am saying action speaks louder than words.

-Happy Malaysia Day-

Everything

2010-09-18T03:47:00.003+08:00

The cold air breathes through the sky

Hours from now the sun will be set on high

The small time frame of peace and quietness

Is an asylum for those whose mind is restless

For depths of conversations are explored

And bridges of thoughts often restored

The silence of night brought forth memories

Of which with time it carries

Stripped off the walls of distraction

To eyes revealed now the deception

Of the world filled with lies and fears

In the night it all becomes clear

Silent chuckle as the thought arises

That the still of the night comes with surprises

Friendship built friendship burned

Contrast to the day the world is turned

Night feels like the brightest hour

In day ourselves we often cower

Absence of the burning ball we often find

A true sense of ourselves a true peace of mind

I remember thee a friend in the past

Inhibitions lowered to one another we easily trust

It became more than just a distant memory

It transcended barriers and made history

Imprinted in the drawer of the heart

Locked with the key away I tucked

As the night falls apart

To slumber I go to anticipate a fresh start

"And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you"

-Everything-

-Lifehouse-

Boulevard

2010-09-16T11:27:00.001+08:00

I think i am like intentionally.

Playing the game when it really isn't.

They all moved on, i should too :\

She moved on. Time for me to stop moping and start coping.

A door closes doesn't mean another will be opened.

Guess gotta find that window of opportunity.

"Just this once, just for now, just like that, it's over." - Belle of the Boulevard, Dashboard Confessionals

Tainted

2010-09-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

Recently played in an open mic with good friends and bandmates (We're called Two Wongs Don't Make A Wright) at The Bee, Jaya One.

Nervous, really was shaking. A lot of good performers up there, doing originals, and here we are, doing two covers one original from my frontman. I wasn't prepared, i know i sucked at stage performing.
But we did it. I think we did alright. It wasn't great as the ones before us, and trust me, the ones before us are actually good.

I felt at that moment, something in me lit up. A sense of excitement.

I've been following a friend's tumblr (blog). And he wrote on his experiences in Germany, i am envious of him, i want to be there, the things he do there or find there is what i am looking for.

That new found sense of excitement, it made me believe i can still be something i want to be, do something i want to do for so long.

I know i've been a whiny bitch for the last 20 posts. I blamed it on work, but it really is just me, isn't it?

If i don't like how i live my life right now, let me build my own wings and fly.
Life ain't gonna give me a pair of wings and whisk me away to a faraway land.
No, that is naive, i want things changed i will have to get my hands dirty.

I want my friends to understand, i will make the effort.

I want to be happy, i have to work for it.

I know i ain't such a good follower of God anymore, but i don't want to lose sight of Him.

This new found excitement, has to be searched everyday, the purpose of living, is not this, this is not the end.
It's just the beginning.

tainted
has our love gone cold
in a place that's bitter and broken
we tasted of a world I know
surely there must be something better
something forever

hello
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

walking
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing
you'll find me standing in the night
the stars never seem so unending
so unending

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

we painted
whitewashed everything
when all that remains are
shadows of the stains
tell me
where did we go wrong
can we just move on

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
when I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

hello
to the world below
while I'm watching the world spinning
this night seems so unending
well I'll follow
to a place I know
that's only the beginning
start over after ending

-The Beginning, Lifehouse-

Cranberries

2010-09-11T20:27:00.001+08:00

I just got up from an almost infinite loop of dream.

I kept dreaming i was dreaming and struggled to wake up.

I was in a deep sleep phase.

But i was conscious in my dreams and even in my dreams that i was dreaming that i was dreaming.

It was scary, and the fear of never waking up came across my mind.

I realized, things in the movies such as this not so cool in real life.

Disclaimer

2010-09-09T17:58:00.000+08:00

I know whoever my readers are, they will read the post just below this one and then say they know who i am referring to, i will tell you now, it is based on my opinions but not referring to anyone in particular. I hate to have people talking behind my back and accusing me of things that i don't like.

If you feel deeply offended by what i've written, and you would like to argue, maybe take a minute of two to think why were you offended, could it actually be that you are trying to defend yourself?
Think about that, then come confront me, i will gladly hear you out with an open mind. I promise.

Road Taken

2010-09-09T17:45:00.001+08:00

It comes to mind the poem "The Road Less Taken" whenever i sit to think what have i done to my own journey.

But it isn't easy to take the road that people travels least on, because we're conditioned to do the popular, to conform. When we think we can easily not conform, we'd find ourselves just being alone, cast away by others.

The feeling of being not included can be quite a bitch sometimes.

But the comfort of it all, is knowing you have friends sticking by you. As we walk in life, most of our friends will drop out from our life, but that does not mean they were wrong or are to be blamed for. It is just they had to go another way which might be parallel to yours but just at a different area.

What i find sad is, that people you've know the longest of time, start to wither away, then when you try to find them, others close to him/her will say "it's a pity". People you expected less of then becomes the torch bearer and light your way.

Sad.

A person who throws away a noble decision and calling for the exchange of monetary glory is despised by me.

Call it what you want. When a person ditches a long time vision for the sake of man made paper, you lose all forms of respect from me. Go ahead, justify, i bet i can do better by presenting to you hard facts to tell you why i disagree.

The worst of them all, is those you think are walking with you, and they are, but there is no conversation going on, just the usual "hi" and "bye", the occasional meet ups to acknowledged that you are still friends with another, and to throw in a couple of deep insights to maintain "closeness" yet to be distanced from one another.

The one that breaks your heart, that makes you feel like you rather be in hell, the one that should have been there for you but did not, should have listened but offered a deaf ear, the one that will say "You have changed" but never took time to understand.

The one that is capable of breaking you down.

The one that kills you with their silence.

Those are the ones... the ones that should stop quoting God and say they believe in Him when the people around them suffers in agony but was turned away.

You, my friend, should really think of what you've done to everyone with your non-doings.

A lethal weapon.

I am tired.

Mean Green

2010-09-04T20:20:00.000+08:00

I am unstoppable.

I will not be stopped.

I will move on.

Breaking through.

Walking On Twos

2010-08-31T00:36:00.000+08:00

53.

Seems like such a big number but yet didn't come far from whence we started off.

I never want to leave.

I get all worked up when i hear people just condemning the country but not lifting a finger to do anything.
How are we any different from the pharisees?
Or the Big Brother from the Prodigal Son? Someone told me that back in those days, the big brother is responsible for the younger siblings, when the prodigal son took off, the big brother just stood and watched, while trying to please the father to get the inheritance and favor.

It is easy to sit aside and do nothing, but to do something, though painful and will be hated for, might be worth something.

When young people want to migrate and say this country is hopeless, i would argue to death about why i disagree.
I just don't understand.

My body wants to leave this country to see places, but my heart will alway remain here, where it belongs, where God puts it.

If i truly love my God, i would stay in this country unless told otherwise.

Though it saddens me to see how this nation has derailed since independence, but sincerely,

Happy Merdeka Day.

Heathen

2010-08-25T20:04:00.000+08:00

Good friends are hard to come by

Good friends who stand by you are harder to come by

But the rarest of them all

Are friends who can be raw and says "you're the friend who will never say such things to me"

Thank you.

AirWolf

2010-08-22T19:01:00.000+08:00

After such a long time, i finally had a dream about you, and it was pleasant, it would have seemed to be that life rewound itself, and i found myself once again in your company, laughing, watching you smile, and making you laugh.

The feeling of being invincible, that life was at my grasps, as i wielded it as if i have total control over it.

The long ride have no end, the wind in my face, the rain washing away what i call my old self, i was happy, young, vibrant, hopeful, ever joyful.

The feeling of holding your hands the first time, as if it happened just last night, the thought of knowing how much you went just so we could meet, the gaze i want to have upon you just so i can start and end my day with a smile, the teasing of one another, the act of childishness.

All, bundled up in a 2 hour sleep.

Until i woke up, until i remembered you were gone.

I was left here.

Shattered, broken, afraid to love anymore, afraid of doing anything remotely exciting.

Mundane was me, with a heavy heart i bid thee farewell in silence, for you would never hear it, nor would you ever read it.

I sat alone, in my room, on my bed, drowning in my own thoughts and wants to call you, to hear you again, but nothing has changed.

A peaceful Sunday, it ends.

Waiting Room

2010-08-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

"Live Together, Die Alone"
A saying brought to my attention by Lost.

No matter how much a person say they want to live alone, i believe it is hard to stay absolutely alone, at some point we always want company.

That begs me to question: Why are some people good and some are bad at it?

Those who aren't well verse in the arts of making friends or maintaining them has been driven to loneliness, depression and other activities that may suck their life away.

As humans, we are bastards as well, we want company but we want to choose our company, and that's why a whole lot of people are just simply - alone.

I used to think that i should lay it all out there in front me, and whoever can accept me for just who i am and i for who they are, then we would be friends, but i find that a lot of people just don't want to see other people's true self, we're so quick to label "emo", "weird", "desperate" on those who just want to be themselves.

So easy to look upon someone who dresses oddly and say "hey look at 'im, he probably wants attention, that poor asshole"
But what if he just really likes to be that way?

I find it hard, i admit we need to at least filter, but when i lay it all out there, there are a lot of rejections, and when i confront them, they just shrug it away saying i am sensitive or that it's all in my head and ask me to stop being whatever i was.

Point made.

In the working world, yea, i want to be all awesome and cool, but the fact is i'm tired (not always) and sometimes i just look miserable, the whole eczema thing isn't helping either.

It just seems harder to get on these days, what with my plans is indefinitely on hold, i can't figure out who to be when i'm out there, whenever i am down, the only thing people can say "Jesus loves you" and stuff.

Well, i know Jesus loves me, the only reason i am still like that is because i still have hope in Jesus.

But please, stop pushing Jesus into my face as if HE is yours to give.

Live Together, Die Alone.

When i find that someone to live with, i think dying is not such a scary thought after all.

"They all believe there's someone watching over you
They're watching every single thing you say
And when you die
They'll set you down and take you through
They'll realise one day
That the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side
We all try hard to live our lives in harmony
For fear of falling swiftly overboard
But life is both a major and minor key
Just open up the chord
But the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side"
- Travis, Side-

Tri Lights

2010-08-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

The person in the mirror never talks back

Never looks at you any different than how you view your self.

But the person in the mirror does show you who you are.

And that, is sometimes the scariest thing to see.

The winds

They sweep through the lands

but never stay

Never stop to chatter

Life is but a thread

Vulnerable, easily disposed of

Life

If i'm not your bitch

then you are mine.

Black Eye That Speaks

2010-08-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

It was a sweet escape.

Somewhere far, somewhere isolated, somewhere where i can be me.

Good company helps too.

Myanmar, a place of oddity and poverty at the same time. This is one trip that might be hard to forget.
It's not the part where the military controlled the country, or the fact that people there seemed to be so chilled or even the fact that it's full of history and colonial buildings that resembles the past and stood once in glory but now a rotting relic.

It's just a trip that once you put behind things like responsibilities, obligations and selfish ambitions, you see everyone as they are.

Old eyes, patched faces, children on the street begging, cut off from most of the world, barely surviving.

I don't feel pity or sorry for them, no, why would i? Rather, this is their life, and though we would think they may be unhappy, they could have more, but maybe they are just happy.

Flip.

Benches along the lake all occupied, lovers cuddle openly with an umbrella as a form of privacy statement, street football.

It is funny the world is physically huge but it is small at the same time.

I miss.

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
-Lifehouse-

Poppy Cock

2010-08-05T01:51:00.000+08:00

It's August
Yes Captain Obvious
Why won't it rain?

It's hard to find a decent conversation to invest in. I had it a few nights back.

Who knew one incident could lead to so much happenings? Who knew that the mask i put on would be misleading? Who fucking knew?

(insert LOL)

I find it hard to be in the corporate sector, hard to adapt, i wasn't well at adapting anyway, feel like hard to connect with people.
We end up talking the same shit, day after day, how sucky our day was, how bad the job is.
We make no improvements.

Come, challenge me into a debate, a fist fight, my thanatos instinct is kicked into high drive mode.

The point is, no one truly just want to talk, or listen.

We all like noise, we make loads of them, but never words, words that means something.

When we do get into something meaningful, people are easily agitated, no one wants to sit and converse, it always has to be my way or the highway.

I miss my talking buddies, over the years,some just left, some thinks i've changed, some just have focus somewhere.

Hey, what's up?

You're here

That's cool

Weaver

2010-07-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

I met you, you were as i remembered: skinny jeans, blue top, black rimmed spectacles, hair long and bewildering, eyes that burn through the eyes of those who meets it, smile that is infectious.

It was wild, we were in a parking lot, late at night, as i wrestled with the thought of survival, you clasped my hand, pulled me towards you, as suddenly a group passed us by.

In a blink of eye, you were taken away from me and you screamed, but oddly, i couldn't make out the words, i see waves of sound, but the words did not formed.

I tried hard to get you back.

Then i woke up.

I saw you outside of my dream, and you did not remember a single thing, how could you not?
But then, how could you have?

What i experienced in the dream, is not what you have experienced.

I, just sit there, watching you, watching the time you did not remember anything from my dream.
And my world turned grey.

I woke up.

Driving aimlessly to where i don't know

On the road the wheels spin

The rain washing everything anew

The radio drowning the silence away

Driving, the end you do not know where

You've got a feeling it's all going to work out

And so, the key leaves the ignition

Saving up for another drive

A drive that would one day get you to where you want to go

Maybe then, you can tuck it away

And finally say "i'm here"

2010-07-24T19:07:00.002+08:00

2010-07-21T00:54:00.002+08:00

It's you isn't it?

Stop.

Just stop,

Pumpkin

2010-07-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

Something about the wee hours of the morning that makes people be more genuine, could be the tiredness from the previous day, or generally calmed and relax, hence lower their defenses.

I missed the days where we could just chat from 12 to 3, 2 -5.

Now, all I ever do, is think of "what if"

Inane

2010-07-11T19:29:00.001+08:00

Ideals often are regarded as a fool's dream. Often labeled as unrealistic.
But without them, we may just subject ourselves to conformity and is as good as giving your freedom away.

We chase money, and never has money chase us, money is a bitch.

But if you take a step back, people without money can be equally as happy, then why do we still crave for it so much? Is it because the stuff money can be exchanged for is so tempting that we cannot be grateful?

Is the sweeper by the road unhappy? Or the tea lady at your company miserable?
I have no idea, but one thing is for sure, if one cannot live in the moment with what they have, i'm sure they cannot live in the future when they have a lot more.

Gratefulness. Sometimes, we just need a pinch in our arm to remind us:

Are

Alive

2010-07-03T16:01:00.001+08:00

I watched as you walk away.

And then it became a gloomy day.

Wanted

2010-06-27T02:32:00.000+08:00

I want to watch the clouds move when the rain is falling,
To fall asleep with the sound of rain drops on the tin on the floor.

I want to run in a meadow filled with the color green,
and to lie awake staring at the birds in the sky.

I want to climb a mountain, to the top,
be short of breath literally and metaphorically.

I want to photograph the moonlit sky hanging over Paris,
see the city come alive with the lights flooding it.

I want to be covered in mud,
holding hands as we traverse the forest barefooted.

I want to play guitar on the street,
Sing as people walk by, a smile for my effort would be nice.

I want to jump off a cliff, into the ocean below,
creating a splash and sink into the deep blue with life bubbling around.

I want to sit on a hill, watching the stars in the sky,
talking to you, writing poems about our adventures.

I want to be a farmer, by the river i build a house,
as long as we're happy, we will live quietly as the days go by.

I want ride a bicycle into town,
buying loaves of freshly baked bread, to share over a cup of tea.

I want to go fishing, in a gushing river,
where fishes jump to catch a breath of air.

I want to drink hot cocoa by a warm fire,
without words travelling, but the silence keeps us company.

I want to run cross country,
braving rains and scorching sun, but still knowing that i'll reach there someday.

I want a lot of things, but not everything.

All i really want now, is to know something is waiting for me out there, where i can be me.

20 boxes of Match

2010-06-18T02:39:00.000+08:00

The silence, oh how i missed you.

Thinking back to high school days, the only time i get to think and enjoy time alone is at hours like this, the world around you asleep, the sound of silence is so deafening, so welcoming.

Work is getting heavier, plus with the band ongoing, it seems my nights are all taken up just by these few things, will have to start prioritizing.

Speaking of the band, really enjoy playing, but the commitment is tough, and booking a studio is not cheap, my frontman would suggest we go Indonesia because can play whole day and still afford it (yea he isn't local)

Working towards something isn't easy, but it's a motivation.

Friends come and friends go, i don't think i'll miss those who didn't really leave an impact on me, but rather, those i want to hang with must keep close.

Coherently incoherent, maybe i'm not as energetic as i used to be back in high school, still nights like this is hard to come by.

Pity, it has to end so soon.

2010-06-14T00:33:00.000+08:00

"I like to make myself believe

That planet earth, turns, slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather

Stay awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting

At the seams"

Fireflies, Owl City

Empty Space

2010-06-12T20:50:00.002+08:00

The Paradoxical House

2010-06-07T00:54:00.000+08:00

To this date, two of my friends stood on a platform and spoke, words of grace and speaking of God flowed from their tongues, weaving into a beautiful coherent testimony of how God was evident in their life.

To this date, these two are one of those few people I respect a lot.

To know others fallen short and you yourself fall short of God's glory is not a pretty thing, it makes you feel lower than a piece of shit, but not low enough to throw yourself down a cliff.

I guess, time to pick up the bible again, time to commit, time to kneel down, time to rethink of things that I've been doing and not doing.

Maybe, it's time to live up to my name.

Lucid

2010-06-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

A friend whom i have the pleasure to know, has decided to leave this country in pursuit of a life of settling down.

Some may call it foolish, unwise move, pathetic, but i fully support my friend.
It is noble, it is important, important to him, and that's what matters, we may disagree, we may not see it their way, but it's important to support friends.

But this, to go elsewhere just to bridge the gap of distance between you and the girl, it's an admirable thing to do, it's something to rejoice about, job you can always find, money is always there, set priorities right.

To this good friend, cheers, may life favor you.

For the rest of us, may it remind us of important things in life, things that you hold dearly to.

The Condition

2010-05-30T20:31:00.000+08:00

I've been reading lonely planet articles and reviews, watching some National Geographic, my mind is playing games on me.

I have a very strong urge to just pack and leave, i don't mind being a sailor, or be a fisherman, as long as i am out of this place.

Life isn't bad, in fact, it's great, it's just, i want to be free, like horses running through the meadow plains, like fishes swimming in the vast oceans.

I want to go.

"I want to to be free from desolation and despair" - Map of the Problematique

Leaves

2010-05-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

We never grow out of certain things, say, fear of clowns, hugging parents before sleep, doodle on everything.
Yet there are always things we do.

We compromise, we give up, we rationalize, we always "settle".

In just a short week, 3 of my good friends left the country, to different places for very different reasons.

It is nothing short of a joy i feel for them, moving past norms and transcends societal expectations. Being propelled to places unknown, it's like being born again. I wonder if this is the way life should be, is our inner voice telling us to settle down just something we inherit from culture?

Is love supposed to be following a schedule, or are all these a by product of just being within a community?

"No one wants to be defeated" So sang a famous entertainer who passed away way too soon. Yet by not feeling defeated, does it mean we are victorious? I could just tweak my mindset a lil', push certain pieces puzzle out of the picture, redefine standards, and i would no longer be "defeated", i'd be happy, for real, even if it means to compromise, that's not to sat it isn't a good thing, but is it?

I cannot add an ounce to which this life is given to me, i have only so much time left, and i sometimes spend it thinking and writing it down here, i think about all the past thinkers, thinkers whose philosophy gripped the world, but to what end? The more we know, the more we cannot "settle". This is why, i think, that a job isn't just a job, a degree isn't just a degree, the more we know, the more we have to work towards something more purposeful, even it means doing the same thing over and over again, it won't suck if there is meaning to it.

We drown ourselves in things that cannot satisfy, and i won't even bother to preach what can satisfy us.

To Justin who left this country in pursuit of a better life out there:
Life isn't what you expected it to be, it has never been kind, nor has it directed you to someplace you'd thought you'd be, people have loads of opinion, including myself, and who am i to bring up God? One thing i dare say, is that, being there, where you are, probably is the most fucked up scariest shit you may have done, leaving quite a lot behind, evidence by tears seen in your friend's eyes, having a family you loved and leaving them for the better or worse. I guess, i don't really care what choice you make there and how you are going to live your life there, one thing i'd like to ask though: stay alive.

A drop, on the leaves it weighs,

Contemplating to hold or let go,

Winds swept and winds howled,

Unforgiving was the sun,

Unkind was the clouds,

In cycles of darkness,

In repetition of light,

In former glory,

Arise again,

You.

Crystallized

2010-05-12T01:14:00.000+08:00

Around a year ago, i was in Thailand with two friends having an awesome experience doing missions and enjoying the culture and cheap food there.

Around a year ago, i was struggling with thesis, trying to get participants, getting 15 laptops to run at the exact same time and at the exact same functions.

Around a year ago, i went to ipoh and taiping, feeling miserable over a girl, whom i cared too much for.

Around two years ago, i was bedridden for at least a month due to imbalanced fluid within the ear.

Around two years ago, good friends came to celebrate my birthday though i was sick and was impaired in speech.

Around two years ago, a childhood friend's mom was cremated, and for the first time, i hear my friend cry.

Around three years ago, i was in Malacca with my closest friends, having the time of our life.

Around three years ago, my sister had my college mates pooled in for a mp4 player for my birthday.

Around three years ago, i went for CF camp and made friends with people whom i am still friends with.

Around four years ago, i was in penang with my high school mates, chilling and awaiting university entrances results.

Around four years ago, i broke up with a girl.

Around four years ago, i begun a new life in university, hoping to write a new tale, a new beginning.

Around five years ago, i was worrying about STPM and struggling even to pass my subjects.

Around five years ago, i was still a hard rock Jesus freak.

Around five years ago, i was different.

Now, i am working, in a company which feels a lot like high school, or i feel like i am being the me i was back in high school, afraid, fear of failing, falling short.

Now, friends are flying off, i am happy for them, friends came back, i am overjoyed even though it isn't the same between us anymore, friends is going to come back, i do not know what to expect.

Now, far away from God, far away from church, resentful, cynical, dissatisfied, i don't know how i ended up here. People say go back to God, i don't know how.

Everyday is a struggle to keep dreams alive, a struggle to not do things i will regret.

I am thankful to be alive. Life is interesting.

Driver

2010-04-26T02:55:00.000+08:00

Driving the streets around 2 am really opens up new perspectives.

The drive wasn't boring nor was it tiring, but rather enjoyable and carefree.

I had a destination. Therefore getting there is the fun part.

But it's when you just go about aimlessly is when the stress steps in.

No regrets, it's the hardest thing to have.

Rather if we frame it properly, stuff that's out of the control we graciously accept. Stuff that's in control, even simple things like the girl next door you always didn't have the guts to say hi to, that one job you didn't dare try, that few words you were afraid to mutter to someone you care deeply for, raising your hand to ask a question during lecture, we all can have a say in it.

It is regrets that we could avoid that cripples us, that makes us break down, and lose hope.
If i hadn't had the guts to quit my previous job, i wouldn't be happier, if i didn't try to do my experiment on my own and attempted something so troublesome, i wouldn't have felt proud and graduated with honor. That's not to say i didn't have any regrets, i did.

I was embarrassed of my mom once, i didn't had the guts to go for a girl, i didn't lend a helping hand to someone in need, i didn't have the bravery to face someone i wronged, i lied for own gain and many others.

But the funny thing is, when you do realize that time is short, that it is running out, that maybe tomorrow or the next 5 minutes you'll leave this world, you'd start to handle things differently, you have the guts to quit your job, move on in life regardless good or bad, to make friends with someone you didn't like, to take a step forward and travel to other countries alone, to say "heck it" to social norms like getting a degree at 22 and pursue your own dreams.

It is wise to take life with your hand, because life itself is on a short leash, ready to be let go whenever the Master upstairs pleases.

With 2 deaths in four months, came 2 weddings, life is fair, one candles blows up another is lit. How long more are we to stay idle and say for sure tomorrow surely will come?

Nay, no more, to my friends, to infinity and beyond, movies and songs aren't there just for entertainment, it's a representation of the human being.

Regrets, be gone.

Dizygotic

2010-04-17T02:28:00.000+08:00

There is two.

One - Staying put. Moving upwards, relentless

Two - Move out, move elsewhere, move.

To reconcile is to bring upon unforseen sufferings and joy.
To reconcile is to go counter direction.
To walk the other way, is to give up on expected things.

Two.

Mu-lan

2010-04-11T04:00:00.000+08:00

Today April the 10th, a good friend from high school, was married in a church and a lovely wedding dinner followed after.

I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.

Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"

I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"

Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.

Yet,

And yet,

There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?

For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.

This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.

Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:

A Joker's Heart

In a castle not far away

A joker was there to stay

Morning he brought laughter and cheers

Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears

Who could tell of the Joker's heart?

Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart

Who'd bother to ask how was his day?

They just wanted him and his playful ways

The Joker longs to pour out his heart

To tell his feelings, his joy and much

Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?

It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek

Finally, the Joker could take it no more

He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four

He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark

Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.

-6th May, 2009-

-Lordson-

Took the Train

2010-04-08T23:32:00.000+08:00

I saw two dudes with kids, and they were happy.

A lady happily reading her book.

A tomboy shouting profanities over the phone.

A couple hugging.

A kid laughing himself silly while calling his brother.

A socially awkward teenager.

A woman carrying buckets of KFC.

And a reflection of myself, tired, worn out, and defeated.

And i say to myself "here is life."

And there is nothing wrong with it.

The only crime i can commit is to let go and be complacent.

I will not be complacent.

Gulliver

2010-04-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

Work work work.

That's all working people talk about!

I felt an sudden onset of depression, a not so serious kind but enough to make me down.

Correlations: Hotter the girls (and they know it), the worse a guy suffers.

You betcha'

Trading Scars

2010-04-04T19:54:00.002+08:00

Thus arrived us at Easter.

But what significance is there? Would Jesus still come down to die for us knowing that we have descended into such sad state? Where people lose faith in the institutions that bear His name? Where the world is the church and the church is of the world?
Would He? Or would we picture Him weeping in Heaven and the tears becomes raindrops that water the earth, hoping that if all else fails, at least the flowers would still be beautiful and elegant as they were meant to be?

It is time for reflections, and I have gone astray, yet, hopefully clinging on, but slipping, may the last finger that holds on be the one to pull me to where I should be.

I have a dream. A dream that seems far fetched in dire times like these. A time where you wish you had never left Neverland, a time where you would dream dreams.

Sometimes we think watching movies and listening to music is nonsense and people should be more productive, but i really think movies are there to remind people life is more than what they made it out to be. People enjoy movies and songs, not for the sake of escapism, but to keep their focus on things that were meant for them to enjoy - the world and all created things.

To break free from monotony, to have autonomy, to live.

I have a dream, a dream that would seem foolish in eyes of others, but a dream that at least another share.

A dream.

It keeps me moving forward. Let's move forward.

The lil things...

2010-03-28T02:14:00.000+08:00

...that makes me happy about my current job:

Office have windows!
Clean toilets!
Internet!
Cheap food nearby!

Apart from that there are plenty of other things, but not to tell today :)

Suffice to say, i still must always realign my focus towards things that are more essential, this is not the end, it's just a means to get moving in life.

Time flies by too fast, too fast that i cannot keep up, i just want everything to slow down, please?

I see you sitting down
Face facing ground
So that no one notices your frown

You aren't pretty
Life feels shitty
No one would pity

You put on a bold face
Thinking you know your place
Yet, yet falling from grace

The world treats you unkind
Messed up there's no rewind
Things would be different if you could alter time

I don't know if i should talk to you
Would i be a jerk if i do?
It seems i might just be pitying you

So I just stood there
As if I did not care
It just isn't fair

I detest you O the world
Chaos you thrust against us
Now we are cursed

She steps off the train
Hiding her pain
Who can say they felt the same?

I stood there
Did nothing but stare
Holding in, mentally impaired

By refusing to show kindness
I increased the bitterness
Whose heart broke? Hers first.

Hers. First.