Reconciliation

The funny think about thinking, is that when you think about it, you often find things you don't want to think about but ended up thinking about it anyway.

At this very moment, i like to think about money, where to get them, where to find them and how in the best possible way. With this thought, i think about how else can i spend the money if i had it, and to double it.

I come up with business ideas, business models, things to do, things i'm doing currently. And it's as if i had found what i should be doing, then i went ahead and think.

Like seriously think.

Been deprived of a good night sleep recently, made me had more time to just lie there and think, much like when i was in high school or uni, where i would just spend my time on bed alone, after a good read or a good day, just lie there, staring at the ceiling, appreciating the minor light shone by the street lamp outside my house into my room to give me a bit of warmth, the dogs barking, the winds howling, and just think.

So i gave a thought yo life, and how long i've come since whence i was younger and more idealistic.

Used to just want to jump on a ship and sail away, or just take a one way ticket to some country and just walk and work. Would want to go help people every where, go on mountain hikes and cycle down a beaten path. Explore waterfalls, fly a kite, try surfing.

But now, just want to spend a few nights out at mamak, have fun, and then go home and sleep. And i would think of how to generate money, with money i can do all of those things! Then begs the question, when will it be enough so i could start doing any of the above?

I see people just taking off and having fun wherever they are, don't get me wrong, money is still a concern to them, but they are happy off doing that instead of climbing the corporate ladder.

Where am i heading? Could i be a tent maker too and just go off?

How do i reconcile my current goals with my thoughts and actions?

How to do all this?

I hope i don't spend a lifetime figuring this out.

Rethinking

Guess with the news of passing friends, prominent figures that's surrounding us these days, we tend to reevaluate life and priorities, just so to make sure we aren't pursuing worthless trivial things, and that we recognized mortality and it's effect.

I have came to realized how selfish i am when comes to my family, i keep appearing as someone who loves my family, but in actual fact, i use them as an excuse to stay stagnant. I do not realized how much my own parents are giving up in order to let us do what we want.

To be honest, my sister's wedding is tomorrow, and i have no part in the planning or helping out, and i felt okay, and then i hear my family complains and such, but they still do it anyway, why? I think it's because like for my mom, this is the closest she could get to having a wedding of one of her two children.

Maybe i won't get married or won't have the traditional wedding, maybe my family won't be around to attend it.

Since when i have turned to be such cynical person? I know i was judgmental, and hard to be friends with, but i never knew i was such a selfish person in a family.

Now in a unstable state of life, not sure what is next, or when the next big break is coming, just staying alive is a gift from God.

If i have to reevaluate life, i suppose i should start with what's my role in the family.