AirWolf

After such a long time, i finally had a dream about you, and it was pleasant, it would have seemed to be that life rewound itself, and i found myself once again in your company, laughing, watching you smile, and making you laugh.

The feeling of being invincible, that life was at my grasps, as i wielded it as if i have total control over it.

The long ride have no end, the wind in my face, the rain washing away what i call my old self, i was happy, young, vibrant, hopeful, ever joyful.

The feeling of holding your hands the first time, as if it happened just last night, the thought of knowing how much you went just so we could meet, the gaze i want to have upon you just so i can start and end my day with a smile, the teasing of one another, the act of childishness.

All, bundled up in a 2 hour sleep.

Until i woke up, until i remembered you were gone.

I was left here.

Shattered, broken, afraid to love anymore, afraid of doing anything remotely exciting.

Mundane was me, with a heavy heart i bid thee farewell in silence, for you would never hear it, nor would you ever read it.

I sat alone, in my room, on my bed, drowning in my own thoughts and wants to call you, to hear you again, but nothing has changed.

A peaceful Sunday, it ends.

Waiting Room

"Live Together, Die Alone"
A saying brought to my attention by Lost.

No matter how much a person say they want to live alone, i believe it is hard to stay absolutely alone, at some point we always want company.

That begs me to question: Why are some people good and some are bad at it?

Those who aren't well verse in the arts of making friends or maintaining them has been driven to loneliness, depression and other activities that may suck their life away.

As humans, we are bastards as well, we want company but we want to choose our company, and that's why a whole lot of people are just simply - alone.

I used to think that i should lay it all out there in front me, and whoever can accept me for just who i am and i for who they are, then we would be friends, but i find that a lot of people just don't want to see other people's true self, we're so quick to label "emo", "weird", "desperate" on those who just want to be themselves.

So easy to look upon someone who dresses oddly and say "hey look at 'im, he probably wants attention, that poor asshole"
But what if he just really likes to be that way?

I find it hard, i admit we need to at least filter, but when i lay it all out there, there are a lot of rejections, and when i confront them, they just shrug it away saying i am sensitive or that it's all in my head and ask me to stop being whatever i was.

Point made.

In the working world, yea, i want to be all awesome and cool, but the fact is i'm tired (not always) and sometimes i just look miserable, the whole eczema thing isn't helping either.

It just seems harder to get on these days, what with my plans is indefinitely on hold, i can't figure out who to be when i'm out there, whenever i am down, the only thing people can say "Jesus loves you" and stuff.

Well, i know Jesus loves me, the only reason i am still like that is because i still have hope in Jesus.

But please, stop pushing Jesus into my face as if HE is yours to give.

Live Together, Die Alone.

When i find that someone to live with, i think dying is not such a scary thought after all.

"They all believe there's someone watching over you
They're watching every single thing you say
And when you die 
They'll set you down and take you through
They'll realise one day
That the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side
We all try hard to live our lives in harmony
For fear of falling swiftly overboard
But life is both a major and minor key
Just open up the chord
But the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side"
- Travis, Side-

Tri Lights

The person in the mirror never talks back

Never looks at you any different than how you view your self.

But the person in the mirror does show you who you are.

And that, is sometimes the scariest thing to see.

The winds

They sweep through the lands

but never stay

Never stop to chatter

Life is but a thread

Vulnerable, easily disposed of

Life

If i'm not your bitch

then you are mine.

Black Eye That Speaks

It was a sweet escape.

Somewhere far, somewhere isolated, somewhere where i can be me.

Good company helps too.

Myanmar, a place of oddity and poverty at the same time. This is one trip that might be hard to forget.
It's not the part where the military controlled the country, or the fact that people there seemed to be so chilled or even the fact that it's full of history and colonial buildings that resembles the past and stood once in glory but now a rotting relic.

It's just a trip that once you put behind things like responsibilities, obligations and selfish ambitions, you see everyone as they are.

Old eyes, patched faces, children on the street begging, cut off from most of the world, barely surviving.

I don't feel pity or sorry for them, no, why would i? Rather, this is their life, and though we would think they may be unhappy, they could have more, but maybe they are just happy.

Flip.

Benches along the lake all occupied, lovers cuddle openly with an umbrella as a form of privacy statement, street football.

It is funny the world is physically huge but it is small at the same time.

I miss.

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
-Lifehouse-

Poppy Cock

It's August
Yes Captain Obvious
Why won't it rain?

It's hard to find a decent conversation to invest in. I had it a few nights back.

Who knew one incident could lead to so much happenings? Who knew that the mask i put on would be misleading? Who fucking knew?

(insert LOL)

I find it hard to be in the corporate sector, hard to adapt, i wasn't well at adapting anyway, feel like hard to connect with people.
We end up talking the same shit, day after day, how sucky our day was, how bad the job is.
We make no improvements.

Come, challenge me into a debate, a fist fight, my thanatos instinct is kicked into high drive mode.

The point is, no one truly just want to talk, or listen.

We all like noise, we make loads of them, but never words, words that means something.

When we do get into something meaningful, people are easily agitated, no one wants to sit and converse, it always has to be my way or the highway.

I miss my talking buddies, over the years,some just left, some thinks i've changed, some just have focus somewhere.

Hey, what's up?

You're here

That's cool

Weaver

I met you, you were as i remembered: skinny jeans, blue top, black rimmed spectacles, hair long and bewildering, eyes that burn through the eyes of those who meets it, smile that is infectious.

It was wild, we were in a parking lot, late at night, as i wrestled with the thought of survival, you clasped my hand, pulled me towards you, as suddenly a group passed us by.

In a blink of eye, you were taken away from me and you screamed, but oddly, i couldn't make out the words, i see waves of sound, but the words did not formed.

I tried hard to get you back.

Then i woke up.

I saw you outside of my dream, and you did not remember a single thing, how could you not?
But then, how could you have?

What i experienced in the dream, is not what you have experienced.

I, just sit there, watching you, watching the time you did not remember anything from my dream.
And my world turned grey.

I woke up.

Driving aimlessly to where i don't know

On the road the wheels spin

The rain washing everything anew

The radio drowning the silence away

Driving, the end you do not know where

You've got a feeling it's all going to work out

And so, the key leaves the ignition

Saving up for another drive

A drive that would one day get you to where you want to go

Maybe then, you can tuck it away

And finally say "i'm here"

It's you isn't it?

Stop.

Just stop,

Pumpkin

Something about the wee hours of the morning that makes people be more genuine, could be the tiredness from the previous day, or generally calmed and relax, hence lower their defenses.

I missed the days where we could just chat from 12 to 3, 2 -5.

Now, all I ever do, is think of "what if"

Inane

Ideals often are regarded as a fool's dream. Often labeled as unrealistic.
But without them, we may just subject ourselves to conformity and is as good as giving your freedom away.

We chase money, and never has money chase us, money is a bitch.

But if you take a step back, people without money can be equally as happy, then why do we still crave for it so much? Is it because the stuff money can be exchanged for is so tempting that we cannot be grateful?

Is the sweeper by the road unhappy? Or the tea lady at your company miserable?
I have no idea, but one thing is for sure, if one cannot live in the moment with what they have, i'm sure they cannot live in the future when they have a lot more.

Gratefulness. Sometimes, we just need a pinch in our arm to remind us:

We

Are

Alive

I  watched as you walk away.

And then it became a gloomy day.

Wanted

I want to watch the clouds move when the rain is falling,
To fall asleep with the sound of rain drops on the tin on the floor.

I want to run in a meadow filled with the color green,
and to lie awake staring at the birds in the sky.

I want to climb a mountain, to the top,
be short of breath literally and metaphorically.

I want to photograph the moonlit sky hanging over Paris,
see the city come alive with the lights flooding it.

I want to be covered in mud,
holding hands as we traverse the forest barefooted.

I want to play guitar on the street,
Sing as people walk by, a smile for my effort would be nice.

I want to jump off a cliff, into the ocean below,
creating a splash and sink into the deep blue with life bubbling around.

I want to sit on a hill, watching the stars in the sky,
talking to you, writing poems about our adventures.

I want to be a farmer, by the river i build a house,
as long as we're happy, we will live quietly as the days go by.

I want ride a bicycle into town,
buying loaves of freshly baked bread, to share over a cup of tea.

I want to go fishing, in a gushing river,
where fishes jump to catch a breath of air.

I want to drink hot cocoa by a warm fire,
without words travelling, but the silence keeps us company.

I want to run cross country,
braving rains and scorching sun, but still knowing that i'll reach there someday.

I want a lot of things, but not everything.

All i really want now, is to know something is waiting for me out there, where i can be me.

20 boxes of Match

The silence, oh how i missed you.

Thinking back to high school days, the only time i get to think and enjoy time alone is at hours like this, the world around you asleep, the sound of silence is so deafening, so welcoming.

Work is getting heavier, plus with the band ongoing, it seems my nights are all taken up just by these few things, will have to start prioritizing.

Speaking of the band, really enjoy playing, but the commitment is tough, and booking a studio is not cheap, my frontman would suggest we go Indonesia because can play whole day and still afford it (yea he isn't local)

Working towards something isn't easy, but it's a motivation.

Friends come and friends go, i don't think i'll miss those who didn't really leave an impact on me, but rather, those i want to hang with must keep close.

Coherently incoherent, maybe i'm not as energetic as i used to be back in high school, still nights like this is hard to come by.

Pity, it has to end so soon.

"I like to make myself believe

That planet earth, turns, slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather

Stay awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting

At the seams"

Fireflies, Owl City

Empty Space

The Paradoxical House

To this date, two of my friends stood on a platform and spoke, words of grace and speaking of God flowed from their tongues, weaving into a beautiful coherent testimony of how God was evident in their life.

To this date, these two are one of those few people I respect a lot.

To know others fallen short and you yourself fall short of God's glory is not a pretty thing, it makes you feel lower than a piece of shit, but not low enough to throw yourself down a cliff.

I guess, time to pick up the bible again, time to commit, time to kneel down, time to rethink of things that I've been doing and not doing.

Maybe, it's time to live up to my name.

Lucid

A friend whom i have the pleasure to know, has decided to leave this country in pursuit of a life of settling down.

Some may call it foolish, unwise move, pathetic, but i fully support my friend.
It is noble, it is important, important to him, and that's what matters, we may disagree, we may not see it their way, but it's important to support friends.

But this, to go elsewhere just to bridge the gap of distance between you and the girl, it's an admirable thing to do, it's something to rejoice about, job you can always find, money is always there, set priorities right.

To this good friend, cheers, may life favor you.

For the rest of us, may it remind us of important things in life, things that you hold dearly to.

The Condition

I've been reading lonely planet articles and reviews, watching some National Geographic, my mind is playing games on me.

I have a very strong urge to just pack and leave, i don't mind being a sailor, or be a fisherman, as long as i am out of this place.

Life isn't bad, in fact, it's great, it's just, i want to be free, like horses running through the meadow plains, like fishes swimming in the vast oceans.

I want to go.

"I want to to be free from desolation and despair" - Map of the Problematique

Leaves

We never grow out of certain things, say, fear of clowns, hugging parents before sleep, doodle on everything.
Yet there are always things we do.

We compromise, we give up, we rationalize, we always "settle".

In just a short week, 3 of my good friends left the country, to different places for very different reasons.

It is nothing short of a joy i feel for them, moving past norms and transcends societal expectations. Being propelled to places unknown, it's like being born again. I wonder if this is the way life should be, is our inner voice telling us to settle down just something we inherit from culture?

Is love supposed to be following a schedule, or are all these a by product of just being within a community?

"No one wants to be defeated" So sang a famous entertainer who passed away way too soon. Yet by not feeling defeated, does it mean we are victorious? I could just tweak my mindset a lil', push certain pieces puzzle out of the picture, redefine standards, and i would no longer be "defeated", i'd be happy, for real, even if it means to compromise, that's not to sat it isn't a good thing, but is it?

I cannot add an ounce to which this life is given to me, i have only so much time left, and i sometimes spend it thinking and writing it down here, i think about all the past thinkers, thinkers whose philosophy gripped the world, but to what end? The more we know, the more we cannot "settle". This is why, i think, that a job isn't just a job, a degree isn't just a degree, the more we know, the more we have to work towards something more purposeful, even it means doing the same thing over and over again, it won't suck if there is meaning to it.

We drown ourselves in things that cannot satisfy, and i won't even bother to preach what can satisfy us.

To Justin who left this country in pursuit of a better life out there:
Life isn't what you expected it to be, it has never been kind, nor has it directed you to someplace you'd thought you'd be, people have loads of opinion, including myself, and who am i to bring up God? One thing i dare say, is that, being there, where you are, probably is the most fucked up scariest shit you may have done, leaving quite a lot behind, evidence by tears seen in your friend's eyes, having a family you loved and leaving them for the better or worse. I guess, i don't really care what choice you make there and how you are going to live your life there, one thing i'd like to ask though: stay alive.

A drop, on the leaves it weighs,

Contemplating to hold or let go,

Winds swept and winds howled,

Unforgiving was the sun,

Unkind was the clouds,

In cycles of darkness,

In repetition of light,

In former glory,

Arise again,

You.

Crystallized

Around a year ago, i was in Thailand with two friends having an awesome experience doing missions and enjoying the culture and cheap food there.

Around a year ago, i was struggling with thesis, trying to get participants, getting 15 laptops to run at the exact same time and at the exact same functions.

Around a year ago, i went to ipoh and taiping, feeling miserable over a girl, whom i cared too much for.

Around two years ago, i was bedridden for at least a month due to imbalanced fluid within the ear.

Around two years ago, good friends came to celebrate my birthday though i was sick and was impaired in speech.

Around two years ago, a childhood friend's mom was cremated, and for the first time, i hear my friend cry.

Around three years ago, i was in Malacca with my closest friends, having the time of our life.

Around three years ago, my sister had my college mates pooled in for a mp4 player for my birthday.

Around three years ago, i went for CF camp and made friends with people whom i am still friends with.

Around four years ago, i was in penang with my high school mates, chilling and awaiting university entrances results.

Around four years ago, i broke up with a girl.

Around four years ago, i begun a new life in university, hoping to write a new tale, a new beginning.

Around five years ago, i was worrying about STPM and struggling even to pass my subjects.

Around five years ago, i was still a hard rock Jesus freak.

Around five years ago, i was different.

Now, i am working, in a company which feels a lot like high school, or i feel like i am being the me i was back in high school, afraid, fear of failing, falling short.

Now, friends are flying off, i am happy for them, friends came back, i am overjoyed even though it isn't the same between us anymore, friends is going to come back, i do not know what to expect.

Now, far away from God, far away from church, resentful, cynical, dissatisfied, i don't know how i ended up here. People say go back to God, i don't know how.

Everyday is a struggle to keep dreams alive, a struggle to not do things i will regret.

I am thankful to be alive. Life is interesting.