Driver

Driving the streets around 2 am really opens up new perspectives.

The drive wasn't boring nor was it tiring, but rather enjoyable and carefree.

I had a destination. Therefore getting there is the fun part.

But it's when you just go about aimlessly is when the stress steps in.

No regrets, it's the hardest thing to have.

Rather if we frame it properly, stuff that's out of the control we graciously accept. Stuff that's in control, even simple things like the girl next door you always didn't have the guts to say hi to, that one job you didn't dare try, that few words you were afraid to mutter to someone you care deeply for, raising your hand to ask a question during lecture, we all can have a say in it.

It is regrets that we could avoid that cripples us, that makes us break down, and lose hope.
If i hadn't had the guts to quit my previous job, i wouldn't be happier, if i didn't try to do my experiment on my own and attempted something so troublesome, i wouldn't have felt proud and graduated with honor. That's not to say i didn't have any regrets, i did.

I was embarrassed of my mom once, i didn't had the guts to go for a girl, i didn't lend a helping hand to someone in need, i didn't have the bravery to face someone i wronged, i lied for own gain and many others.

But the funny thing is, when you do realize that time is short, that it is running out, that maybe tomorrow or the next 5 minutes you'll leave this world, you'd start to handle things differently, you have the guts to quit your job, move on in life regardless good or bad, to make friends with someone you didn't like, to take a step forward and travel to other countries alone, to say "heck it" to social norms like getting a degree at 22 and pursue your own dreams.

It is wise to take life with your hand, because life itself is on a short leash, ready to be let go whenever the Master upstairs pleases.

With 2 deaths in four months, came 2 weddings, life is fair, one candles blows up another is lit. How long more are we to stay idle and say for sure tomorrow surely will come?

Nay, no more, to my friends, to infinity and beyond, movies and songs aren't there just for entertainment, it's a representation of the human being.

Regrets, be gone.

Dizygotic

There is two.

One - Staying put. Moving upwards, relentless

Two - Move out, move elsewhere, move.

To reconcile is to bring upon unforseen sufferings and joy.
To reconcile is to go counter direction.
To walk the other way, is to give up on expected things.

Two.

Mu-lan

Today April the 10th, a good friend from high school, was married in a church and a lovely wedding dinner followed after.

I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.

Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"

I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"

Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.

Yet,

And yet,

There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?

For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.

This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.

Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:

A Joker's Heart

In a castle not far away

A joker was there to stay

Morning he brought laughter and cheers

Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears

Who could tell of the Joker's heart?

Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart

Who'd bother to ask how was his day?

They just wanted him and his playful ways

The Joker longs to pour out his heart

To tell his feelings, his joy and much

Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?

It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek

Finally, the Joker could take it no more

He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four

He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark

Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.

-6th May, 2009-

-Lordson-

Took the Train

I saw two dudes with kids, and they were happy.

A lady happily reading her book.

A tomboy shouting profanities over the phone.

A couple hugging.

A kid laughing himself silly while calling his brother.

A socially awkward teenager.

A woman carrying buckets of KFC.

And a reflection of myself, tired, worn out, and defeated.



And i say to myself "here is life."

And there is nothing wrong with it.

The only crime i can commit is to let go and be complacent.

I will not be complacent.

Gulliver

Work work work.

That's all working people talk about!

I felt an sudden onset of depression, a not so serious kind but enough to make me down.

Correlations: Hotter the girls (and they know it), the worse a guy suffers.

You betcha'

Trading Scars

Thus arrived us at Easter.

But what significance is there? Would Jesus still come down to die for us knowing that we have descended into such sad state? Where people lose faith in the institutions that bear His name? Where the world is the church and the church is of the world?
Would He? Or would we picture Him weeping in Heaven and the tears becomes raindrops that water the earth, hoping that if all else fails, at least the flowers would still be beautiful and elegant as they were meant to be?

It is time for reflections, and I have gone astray, yet, hopefully clinging on, but slipping, may the last finger that holds on be the one to pull me to where I should be.

I have a dream. A dream that seems far fetched in dire times like these. A time where you wish you had never left Neverland, a time where you would dream dreams.

Sometimes we think watching movies and listening to music is nonsense and people should be more productive, but i really think movies are there to remind people life is more than what they made it out to be. People enjoy movies and songs, not for the sake of escapism, but to keep their focus on things that were meant for them to enjoy - the world and all created things.

To break free from monotony, to have autonomy, to live.

I have a dream, a dream that would seem foolish in eyes of others, but a dream that at least another share.

A dream.

It keeps me moving forward. Let's move forward.

The lil things...

...that makes me happy about my current job:

1. Office have windows!
2. Clean toilets!
3. Internet!
4. Cheap food nearby!

Apart from that there are plenty of other things, but not to tell today :)

Suffice to say, i still must always realign my focus towards things that are more essential, this is not the end, it's just a means to get moving in life.

Time flies by too fast, too fast that i cannot keep up, i just want everything to slow down, please?

I see you sitting down
Face facing ground
So that no one notices your frown

You aren't pretty
Life feels shitty
No one would pity

You put on a bold face
Thinking you know your place
Yet, yet falling from grace

The world treats you unkind
Messed up there's no rewind
Things would be different if you could alter time

I don't know if i should talk to you
Would i be a jerk if i do?
It seems i might just be pitying you

So I just stood there
As if I did not care
It just isn't fair

I detest you O the world
Chaos you thrust against us
Now we are cursed

She steps off the train
Hiding her pain
Who can say they felt the same?

I stood there
Did nothing but stare
Holding in, mentally impaired

By refusing to show kindness
I increased the bitterness
Whose heart broke? Hers first.

Hers. First.

Staying the Course

There's no escape, troubles are everywhere, even at my new workplace, but not at liberty to discuss anything in public.

Been taking LRT to work, and it is very interesting, the many faces you don't know, the many different stories they carry with them to their workplace or to their destination. It is so much fun, and getting to work and getting back isn't as bad as i thought it would be.

What is next phase in life? Get married get car house etc etc?

Not me, not yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw a woman scrambling to find a seat in the train, and when there was one, everyone was moving towards it, with fine coordination, it was amusing.

I saw a guy checking a girl out for whatever reason, even if they do like each other, we are dictated to just sit idle and let it slip by.

The debate was, where and when do you draw the line? Do you live to people's expectations?

The abnormal thing that i would like to think of, is that society dictates what is the norm and what deviates from it, but that doesn't mean order, it means disorder, hence more people getting sick and strange, getting labeled as peculiar.

But when you strip them down to the core, they bleed the same as us, but why do we find them "abnormal"?
The truly sick ones are the ones who think they have the right to judge.

And i have no rights to judge, but i have rights to have an opinion.

And my opinion is: I'll stick around a bit longer, just to see, see how the world spins, how this will play out.

One More Time

Here we go again!

Started in a new company

I really hope to stick this one out.

A Rojak Song!

Can't see? Just click, pretty interesting, can win you a phone too :)

Diddly Doo

One of my projects i wish to do for this year :)

http://doodlerundertheroof.blogspot.com/

Unsent

-Changing Lanes-

Dear Pops,

I never much knew you, but when i tell others about you, i always pick the good parts, like how you struggle and work ya way with the limited amount of resources you have, how you always strive for the family.

I leave out the not so glamorous parts, the parts where i felt as if i was alone at times when i thought i could rely on you, the times i wanted just to have a simple dinner.

As the years went by, it has now been almost 2 cycles of a dozen in my life, your battered eyes, your worn out body, has struck me that without your toil and hardships that you went through, i would not be where i am today, how foolish i am to think that i have been lacking when i am having in abundance.

I have a role model, albeit a flawed one, but who is perfect?

I realized as i come out to the world, aye, i have dreams, aspirations, things i want to do, but seeing how i have not fully taken over the responsibility from you, and yet you still work so hard and now even apart from us for a bit, it saddens me, saddens me inside out.

I've always mention life is too short, yet, in this short life, you have worked so much, and is still working, away from your beloved.

Is this a vicious cycle? That we always have to work hard to provide, that it will never end?

Sins of the father.

Nay, let what others say about this, let them throw their lofty words of religion and their self-righteous thoughts, saying it will all be okay, saying it is a test, let them look with their preconceived minds, their self-justified tongue, let them use the Word against us, let them "try" to build us up in God's name.

Nay.

Let them.

For now, after i shed this last tear, i will now take over the responsibility. With dreams postponed, with the world crumbling around me, let it come, for if my God is for me, tell me who can be against me.

It is not I, but God who reigns in me.

I will come soon, be patient.

Sincerely,

Thy Son.

Thane

When you see a fat man eating a burger

Do you think that to his body he's committing murder?

Or do you think hard enough, for awhile

That he actually is happy the way he is, for life he smiles?

A thin man walks by you, tears in his eyes

What else is there other than his screaming cries?

Or maybe his daughter graduated

An event he has long anticipated

A person with unkempt hair

Wearing clothings with a tear

Apart from him being a total loser

Maybe he is measuring his hair growth by the ruler.

Life is about perspectives, if we live with coloured lenses, or filters, and living life as if we are always right, then why bother staying in a community?

There is a time to be selfish, time to be not.

Belle

-Just this once, just for now, and just like that, it's over-

That's What He Said

He said: Without money, life is hard.

I say: That's true, it's damned truth! People will come and say, " But think of other people, they are poorer and less fortunate, count ya blessings!" I can't argue with that, but i can say that we are living in a society where we are less fortunate as well, it's like how you can't compare how much you earn here and spend in UK with if you work in UK and spend there, it's unfair. We are placed in situations where our problems are relative to our surroundings.

No money, one of life's stupid problems, but it is how the world works. In the circle of life, animals eat other animals in order to survive, and those who are preys are also hunters, it's nature's barter system, you trade life for another, in that sense, it is "monetary". But the world as usual screws it up, now things are getting more expensive, our pay doesn't go up, and we keep looking for the higher paying job, we gamble, we buy stocks, play forex, all for the sake of getting more money. So money is the deal in life, but i would disagree that it should be the sole motivation, there are many things more, just, sometimes life fucks you up to screw you.

======

He said: Till now, i have no achievements that is remotely related to happiness.

I say: I hate medias, they put too much shit and emphasis to sensationalize things, and knowing sometimes our dumb brains, we tend to believe everything in it. Last year, i went to bangkok, the news reported riots and all, but when i landed there, it was awesome and peaceful, save for a few parts. When churches starts getting burnt down here, the world thinks we are screwed, wait we totally are, but because news gets out of hand, hatred is cited, what more with technology, we can start forums or groups that breeds hatred, sometimes i wonder if God is weeping so hard that we are desensitized to it we don't even care anymore. We purposely dumb ourselves down? Making us nothing more than just animals that can progress but yet being stupidly assholes?

So to you my friend, screw that shit, degrees = paper that you can buy off the street and no one will even know it's fake, "achievements" is just something we believe that we are supposed to have, but what achievement is it to be PM of the country and yet, you're not happy? How is that an achievement, think about it. Being selfish, to want to be happy isn't wrong, you just have to know that there is a line you don't cross, but before that line, to want to be selfish is ok.

======

He said: 5 years we will drink beer on a rooftop overlooking the city and look back and laugh at all these moments and think how stupid we were.

I say: I will see you there in 5 years.

It is now the 3rd year, where are we now?

We are moving, guided by the invisible hand.

2 more years, we will make it.

See you there.

-Purple Haze-

Joke

The day before the day after tomorrow

Tomorrow...

i'll be walking to work for the first time since i started

i'll be off before 5 pm

i say goodbye to another working week

i'll laugh with good comrades

i'll have the wee hours of the morn to myself quietly spent thinking

i'll quietly hope that the day gets better

i'll play my guitar and pretend i am fulfilling my dreams

tomorrow, i be happy :)

Turn

She smiles as she walks by

The nervousness as you stare into her eyes

Then thoughts gushes without warning

The realization of truth that is dawning

You desecrated time

An offense, an avoidable crime

That 365 days

Wasted away

Now as the smile fades

Your soul retreats, to the shades

Wondering, ever wondering

But too late, long gone, you just stand.. alone.

Monologue

Opening Scene:

- In front of computer, eyes shows no sign of life, papers flipping, steps hurries from one place to another.

- situation: White, windowless.... Suits wearing Humans (the horror).

Survival of the fittest.

I like to think i am ok with working, or rather where i am right now, but i am not.

I probably can stay and linger on, just come what may and i will swallow it, but no.

I realized life is just too short to "stick it out", to "maybe it will be better".

If God gave us hands and feet and brains, then by all means, we can actually do something about it.

Actually, things are happening too fast, i used to be resistant to change, but now i welcome it, change is good, it helps you filter things out fast, who knows if you might just vanish tomorrow suddenly? Then at least however short of a time you have, you did what you could.

On a happier night, working made me love my nephew a lot more, s happy to see him smile when i get back home, sometimes would just stay home to play with him when i could go out and hang with friends.

Life is a lot more, i think, it's up to you when you wanna say stop.

I'm on my knees

Prodigal

I call

Zion