Err

For the first time in a long time, i spent the weekend at home, mostly to myself, not stepping out of the house.
It was easy to do because family was away, friends were either working or busy.

The morning was great - caught up on some tv shows, light reading and casual surfing.

The afternoon was more of nailing some things which people consider a waste of time down like gaming and napping.

Nights were the best, the cool air visited, rain fell and lights were dimmed, chose to turn in early (usually i push till my last ounce of strength before i collapse and sleep) and i could hear my thoughts running wildly, putting thoughts into perspectives, string of words into coherent sentences, pictures into portraits of stories.

This was what i missed.

During schooldays, that was what i used to do. And i think at that point i was more clear minded.

Now, cynical, aging, quick to pass judgment, lost, confused.

At least not pretentious?

At least not pretentious.

Sometimes the only thing that kills me is the eyes of the woman who bore me for nine months.

That stare of disappointment, the gaze of what she hopes of me but i refuse to comply.

It's raining now.

It's fucking raining now.

And i like.

Fool Me

Some people are fooled by things they see on the telly and they hold it true to their heart.

One such thing: The One.

It is not Neo from the Matrix, but about the one Girl you have to marry in your life.

Either way, both also aren't realistic as scriptwriters portrays them to be.

The problem about the one is that we tend to have this idea of what our ideal partner should be, this is where our downfall begins:

There is an impossible standard set, look, this is what i want in a girl

• rocker chick who can dish out mean riffs on a guitar
• a gamer
• can talk shit with
• doesn't mind dating at mamaks all the time
• likes just chilling and doing nothing, even if it means sitting in silence

but we all don't get what we want, you can't have the god damn cake!

If you do find someone who fits the criteria, i think she is a ROBOT! RUN!

WIP

lately i've been thinking

about all the things that we've

seen through the eyes of a

man with the blue eyes

and realized that we are all falling down

The moon in the sky and the

sandcastles that lie on the beach

the only thing left that is missing is

you and me looking over the sea without a thought or a sound

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found

we are all falling down

we've been deceived by the curtain of this world

and we've been led to believe the stories have all been told

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found

we are all falling down

We are all drowning out

will you stay here with me?

Faint

A story about a man

Who got disenchanted with religion

He started questioning all that he can

Taking it down was his mission

He tore away his ties with friends

Said things that couldn't be taken back

A broken relationship he wouldn't mend

Darkness in his mind hacked

It's been almost 10 years or was it 7?

That you walked away in the land of rising sun

I guess i couldn't understand then

Why you choose to hide, you choose to run

I now finally got it
Eyes opened and understood
Everything you said you to the heart it hit
Now if i only could

Tell you that i understood.

Islander

The breeze paid a visit during dinner earlier today, it brought back a not so distant memory of a place where time seems to be still, a land in the world of its own, where worries of the world is far away.

The breeze that lifted all burdens from the shoulder just for that one moment.

A cold bottle of beer, good company and the sand accompanying your feet.

Unnecessary fire fighting to be the brightest with the full moon. The sound of serenity filled the air.

I have a newfound love. My secret mistress. That awakened pleasure.

A man who does not work shall not eat.

Those words rang true.If it weren't for the work and experience of the year, i don't think i would have came this far.

A good friend told me the time shall come, and i trust her.

I will wait.

Life may not be like the movies, but it sure is hell not going to stop me from using my imagination to run it.

Tonight, the wind carried a message

A long lost scribbles, a torn book page

To free myself from this cage

To be my very own sage

Fare

It takes a whole lot of courage to deal with changes; death, marriage, birth, break ups etc.

It also takes a whole lot of courage to remain the same. Same life, same mindset, same expectations.

That's where you'll see a gap between change and staying the same. What is between that gap is choice.

And i choose to make that choice to change.

It is only logical, to change that is, to make a leap forward.

On one hand, remaining the same is to be consistent and stable, on the other, to admit defeat and just live life without trying to be different.

It's a double sided coin situation. You are what you think.

I want to believe my actions makes a difference.

That the hand that could cause so much destruction can be used to love.

The mouth to curse to be used to encourage.

The feet that trudge through blood to help move someone to another place.

The eyes that sins to be used to admire the beautiful creations of the world.

In all the fires all the rain

The wailing of the martyred Saints

The emotional baggages on our train

It's the smile that carries us through our pain

On a different note

... i do want to love. Fear grips me.

"The end of fear is where love begins" - Goo Goo Dolls.

Paper Planes

This week was a handful.

Went for report presentation which said report was written by me.

Presented to client by director.

I was contented, i could see my hard work paying off.

I was happy, i could do this forever.

Life seems to be taking a turn, maybe working here isn't such a bad thing after all.

It's a lie.

---

I thought about it long and hard. To really comprehend what was going on, i took couple hours to think about it.
And i am not sure why i treasure the human interaction so much, it affects me. I had to leave for band practice, but i felt myself striving hard to pry myself away from my office because i wanted to stay to talk.

It didn't make any sense.

---

It was good, we played our best tonight for a talent search competition.

Though the weather kept me weak in my head, but the sense of achievement (however significant or not) kept me going on. Made a couple of new friends.

Secretly i hope we make it to the finals, realistically i don't think i am there yet to even play at the finals.

---

Watched a movie.

I love the creativity used in the movie.
It struck me midway, i want to do stuff like this.

I cannot, i am not happy at work, not the job, not the people, generally just being useless, doing things that don't seem to have any real contribution.

How could i be blinded by pseudo achievements? Writing a report to help someone sell more products, what good would that do?

Writing music, hiking mountains, writing a play a movie, sipping coffee in an unknown town.
That's what makes me want to live.

Money.

Shit. You're right, people have been telling me i need money for all those stuff. I should focus on making myself financially free, stable, i should invest my life in 3-5 years of hardwork of some program that could make me set for life.

I am tempted, i am persuaded.

But i can't help to think that isn't that the same as working?

Someone told me it's working 10 hours a week for 3 years compared to 9-5 job for 30 years.
Agreed.
But no thanks.

I feel the need for something more.

If i die not doing that. Then yea, fuck my life.

But i will die trying.

For now, i keep myself going by seeing my nephew growing up, happy i have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, good friends to keep me going on, and a dream that will never die.

You ask me if i a happy?
Yes i am.

"I'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one" - John Lennon

Runaways

As i watched there all the kids with their parents, i think that there is hope for the nation.
-
The past weekend i spent a lot of time with myself, then i spent some time trying to understand other people, and i just got more confused in the end.
-
The lushes of green, the oceans waves hitting the rocks and making a thunderous sound, the smell of salt carried by the winds, i think i could die happy there.
-
Everywhere i look, every small thing reminds me of you, but, the truth is, it just a chapter i wish to burn.
-
i wrote poems for you, sing songs for you, make a fool of myself for you, only to have other reap the harvest
-
It's like a comedian, making people happy, but who knows if he is the one that wants to be happy?
-
I'd fly a plane just to reach to you.

fly the ocean in a silver plane 

see the jungle when it's wet with rain 

just remember till you're home again -

you belong to me 

You belong to me cover, Jason Wade

Linger

In the silent of the night

You took off in your flight

To achieve your dreams

Let joy now be your theme

Nothing is quite at it seems

Nothing is as what it means

One day a man will leave his home

In this world to establish his throne

The mountain and the seas

The sunsets and the trees

The moon and the stars

The earth and its scars

The man and his wife

The birth of a new life

The death and the sorrow

The uncertainty of tomorrow

The life after earth

The forever and its turf

The end and the origin

The Truth that lies within

The patience and the wait

The things left unsaid

The wants and the needs

The desire within breeds

The broken the pieces

The hits and misses

The fragility of the heart

The end of a start

All.

Once

It was hot, skin was irritated, the weather would have take my life if it could.

But i wasn't complaining.

I wasn't unhappy.

In fact i was so proud of myself.

It would had been a normal Sunday, save that earlier in the week. Received a message in fb; an invitation to a Raya open house from a high school ex classmate (whom i have not seen for a really long time)! My immediate thoughts were "Yea! Rendang! FOOD!"

But as the day drew closer, as always, i will be reluctant to go, because i know i will be tired and Sunday is before Monday, meaning i rather stay home and chill than to go someplace i'm not too sure about, potentially turning into a disaster and the next day have to go to work.

Then i had an interesting conversation with a friend.

I told him i got invited to the house and was lazy to go.
He stopped me right there and reminded me what we've talked about some time back.

=======================

I've never really seen eye to eye with this whole racial thing going on in our country. Sometimes i disagree with Christians who say we must get involved and keep invoking the Christian word.

I don't see how is that going to help. You're a citizen of Malaysia regardless of religion and race.
The more you emphasize the more people are just going to find things to dispute with you.
Case in point: 1Malaysia

People been attacking it, been saying a lot of terrible stuff. Then there are some who advocates it and said it was present since the day Malaysia was born.

But the whole point is, we are here now in this country, talking shit, posting news link on Facebook is not going to help.

I really really disagree with people posting links and notes on Facebook and then comment under it saying how bad our country is.
Even if i do agree, what are you going to do about it? Nothing! You just want to create awareness, fine, but don't speak something malicious or accusatory towards it. You're not helping, you're fueling hatred.
Other than that, you just go about your every day, how is that helping?

We have the luxury of being in another religion and have some form of choice, but they don't. You're born with it, you're stuck with it, that's what is imprinted in their minds since they were infants. We automatically segregate ourselves from them.

Honestly, think about it, how many Malay friends do you have and keep contact with, my guess is most of us don't, me included, if you have good for you.

People fear of the unknown, hence we keep pushing what we feel is "right" in their face without love is just going to make them retreat further into their own world.
Where is the love?

=======================

My friend and i talked about how we should never abandon them.

If there is a chance to reconnect go for it, show them we do care, show them we bleed just like they bleed.

And most of all, they are friends, regardless of everything.

I was then determined to attend the open house despite my own heart's protest.
I checked the message again, asked for the address, find a friend who was going to go with me.
Checked the invite list, i was the only chinese from my own class. How honored i was (well mostly because i am a bit more apparent on fb :p )

And though it was awkward, because i did not have much contact with them since high school, but i did managed to reconnect with a couple of them and at least was there when they cared to ask me to be.

I am not playing the holier-than-thou card.

I am saying action speaks louder than words.

-Happy Malaysia Day-

Everything

The cold air breathes through the sky

Hours from now the sun will be set on high

The small time frame of peace and quietness

Is an asylum for those whose mind is restless

For depths of conversations are explored

And bridges of thoughts often restored

The silence of night brought forth memories

Of which with time it carries

Stripped off the walls of distraction

To eyes revealed now the deception

Of the world filled with lies and fears

In the night it all becomes clear

Silent chuckle as the thought arises

That the still of the night comes with surprises

Friendship built friendship burned

Contrast to the day the world is turned

Night feels like the brightest hour

In day ourselves we often cower

Absence of the burning ball we often find

A true sense of ourselves a true peace of mind

I remember thee a friend in the past

Inhibitions lowered to one another we easily trust

It became more than just a distant memory

It transcended barriers and made history

Imprinted in the drawer of the heart

Locked with the key away I tucked

As the night falls apart

To slumber I go to anticipate a fresh start

"And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you" 

-Everything-

-Lifehouse-

Boulevard

I think i am like intentionally.

Playing the game when it really isn't.

They all moved on, i should too :\

She moved on. Time for me to stop moping and start coping.

A door closes doesn't mean another will be opened.

Guess gotta find that window of opportunity.

"Just this once, just for now, just like that, it's over." - Belle of the Boulevard, Dashboard Confessionals

Tainted

Recently played in an open mic with good friends and bandmates (We're called Two Wongs Don't Make A Wright) at The Bee, Jaya One.

Nervous, really was shaking. A lot of good performers up there, doing originals, and here we are, doing two covers one original from my frontman. I wasn't prepared, i know i sucked at stage performing.
But we did it. I think we did alright. It wasn't great as the ones before us, and trust me, the ones before us are actually good.

I felt at that moment, something in me lit up. A sense of excitement.

I've been following a friend's tumblr (blog). And he wrote on his experiences in Germany, i am envious of him, i want to be there, the things he do there or find there is what i am looking for.

That new found sense of excitement, it made me believe i can still be something i want to be, do something i want to do for so long.

I know i've been a whiny bitch for the last 20 posts. I blamed it on work, but it really is just me, isn't it?

If i don't like how i live my life right now, let me build my own wings and fly.
Life ain't gonna give me a pair of  wings and whisk me away to a faraway land.
No, that is naive, i want things changed i will have to get my hands dirty.

I want my friends to understand, i will make the effort.

I want to be happy, i have to work for it.

I know i ain't such a good follower of God anymore, but i don't want to lose sight of Him.

This new found excitement, has to be searched everyday, the purpose of living, is not this, this is not the end.
It's just the beginning.

tainted
has our love gone cold
in a place that's bitter and broken
we tasted of a world I know
surely there must be something better
something forever

hello
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

walking
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing
you'll find me standing in the night
the stars never seem so unending
so unending 

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

we painted
whitewashed everything
when all that remains are
shadows of the stains
tell me
where did we go wrong
can we just move on

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
when I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

hello
to the world below
while I'm watching the world spinning
this night seems so unending
well I'll follow
to a place I know
that's only the beginning
start over after ending


-The Beginning, Lifehouse-

Cranberries

I just got up from an almost infinite loop of dream.

I kept dreaming i was dreaming and struggled to wake up.

I was in a deep sleep phase.

But i was conscious in my dreams and even in my dreams that i was dreaming that i was dreaming.

It was scary, and the fear of never waking up came across my mind.

I realized, things in the movies such as this not so cool in real life.

Disclaimer

I know whoever my readers are, they will read the post just below this one and then say they know who i am referring to, i will tell you now, it is based on my opinions but not referring to anyone in particular. I hate to have people talking behind my back and accusing me of things that i don't like.

If you feel deeply offended by what i've written, and you would like to argue, maybe take a minute of two to think why were you offended, could it actually be that you are trying to defend yourself?
Think about that, then come confront me, i will gladly hear you out with an open mind. I promise.

Road Taken

It comes to mind the poem "The Road Less Taken" whenever i sit to think what have i done to my own journey.

But it isn't easy to take the road that people travels least on, because we're conditioned to do the popular, to conform. When we think we can easily not conform, we'd find ourselves just being alone, cast away by others.

The feeling of being not included can be quite a bitch sometimes.

But the comfort of it all, is knowing you have friends sticking by you. As we walk in life, most of our friends will drop out from our life, but that does not mean they were wrong or are to be blamed for. It is just they had to go another way which might be parallel to yours but just at a different area.

What i find sad is, that people you've know the longest of time, start to wither away, then when you try to find them, others close to him/her will say "it's a pity". People you expected less of then becomes the torch bearer and light your way.

Sad.

A person who throws away a noble decision and calling for the exchange of monetary glory is despised by me.

Call it what you want. When a person ditches a long time vision for the sake of man made paper, you lose all forms of respect from me. Go ahead, justify, i bet i can do better by presenting to you hard facts to tell you why i  disagree.

The worst of them all, is those you think are walking with you, and they are, but there is no conversation going on, just the usual "hi" and "bye", the occasional meet ups to acknowledged that you are still friends with another, and to throw in a couple of deep insights to maintain "closeness" yet to be distanced from one another.

The one that breaks your heart, that makes you feel like you rather be in hell, the one that should have been there for you but did not, should have listened but offered a deaf ear, the one that will say "You have changed" but never took time to understand.

The one that is capable of breaking you down.

The one that kills you with their silence.

Those are the ones... the ones that should stop quoting God and say they believe in Him when the people around them suffers in agony but was turned away.

You, my friend, should really think of what you've done to everyone with your non-doings. 

A lethal weapon.

I am tired.

Mean Green

I am unstoppable.

I will not be stopped.

I will move on.

Breaking through.

Walking On Twos

53.

Seems like such a big number but yet didn't come far from whence we started off.

I never want to leave.

I get all worked up when i hear people just condemning the country but not lifting a finger to do anything.
How are we any different from the pharisees?
Or the Big Brother from the Prodigal Son? Someone told me that back in those days, the big brother is responsible for the younger siblings, when the prodigal son took off, the big brother just stood and watched, while trying to please the father to get the inheritance and favor.

It is easy to sit aside and do nothing, but to do something, though painful and will be hated for, might be worth something.

When young people want to migrate and say this country is hopeless, i would argue to death about why i disagree.
I just don't understand.

My body wants to leave this country to see places, but my heart will alway remain here, where it belongs, where God puts it.

If i truly love my God, i would stay in this country unless told otherwise.

Though it saddens me to see how this nation has derailed since independence, but sincerely,

Happy Merdeka Day.

Heathen

Good friends are hard to come by

Good friends who stand by you are harder to come by

But the rarest of them all

Are friends who can be raw and says "you're the friend who will never say such things to me"

Thank you.