Reconciliation

The funny think about thinking, is that when you think about it, you often find things you don't want to think about but ended up thinking about it anyway.

At this very moment, i like to think about money, where to get them, where to find them and how in the best possible way. With this thought, i think about how else can i spend the money if i had it, and to double it.

I come up with business ideas, business models, things to do, things i'm doing currently. And it's as if i had found what i should be doing, then i went ahead and think.

Like seriously think.

Been deprived of a good night sleep recently, made me had more time to just lie there and think, much like when i was in high school or uni, where i would just spend my time on bed alone, after a good read or a good day, just lie there, staring at the ceiling, appreciating the minor light shone by the street lamp outside my house into my room to give me a bit of warmth, the dogs barking, the winds howling, and just think.

So i gave a thought yo life, and how long i've come since whence i was younger and more idealistic.

Used to just want to jump on a ship and sail away, or just take a one way ticket to some country and just walk and work. Would want to go help people every where, go on mountain hikes and cycle down a beaten path. Explore waterfalls, fly a kite, try surfing.

But now, just want to spend a few nights out at mamak, have fun, and then go home and sleep. And i would think of how to generate money, with money i can do all of those things! Then begs the question, when will it be enough so i could start doing any of the above?

I see people just taking off and having fun wherever they are, don't get me wrong, money is still a concern to them, but they are happy off doing that instead of climbing the corporate ladder.

Where am i heading? Could i be a tent maker too and just go off?

How do i reconcile my current goals with my thoughts and actions?

How to do all this?

I hope i don't spend a lifetime figuring this out.

Rethinking

Guess with the news of passing friends, prominent figures that's surrounding us these days, we tend to reevaluate life and priorities, just so to make sure we aren't pursuing worthless trivial things, and that we recognized mortality and it's effect.

I have came to realized how selfish i am when comes to my family, i keep appearing as someone who loves my family, but in actual fact, i use them as an excuse to stay stagnant. I do not realized how much my own parents are giving up in order to let us do what we want.

To be honest, my sister's wedding is tomorrow, and i have no part in the planning or helping out, and i felt okay, and then i hear my family complains and such, but they still do it anyway, why? I think it's because like for my mom, this is the closest she could get to having a wedding of one of her two children.

Maybe i won't get married or won't have the traditional wedding, maybe my family won't be around to attend it.

Since when i have turned to be such cynical person? I know i was judgmental, and hard to be friends with, but i never knew i was such a selfish person in a family.

Now in a unstable state of life, not sure what is next, or when the next big break is coming, just staying alive is a gift from God.

If i have to reevaluate life, i suppose i should start with what's my role in the family.

Sermon

Today during sermon, i thought of something (yea, i wasn't entirely paying attention to the speaker!).

If we are Christians, and we know that our time on earth is limited, and that Jesus would return anytime, then why are we doing so many needless (in my opinion at least) things?

I can only speak for churches i've seen around here, but a lot are fixated on doing bigger things, better buildings, high-tech equipment for broadcasting sermons etc.

But to what end? If all things come to an end, then why waste so much time and effort on things such as the above?

The bulletin I got from the church i visited today mentioned in the front page that we are too focused on activities that we lose sight of what is truly needful.

By building bigger buildings, we are still excluding the poor, we welcome them of course, but in their shoes, would they think they are worthy of even trying to step in the building? The worship team is large and very talented, but how about those who has lower self esteem and those who thinks they are not good enough? Are we overlooking these people?

That being said, God blessed us with material things and money which all to use for His glory, so am not condemning the usage of the money God has willingly let us have, but more towards our internal drives/motives.

When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, a lot of things can be stripped away, a lot of our views should be aligned with Jesus'. But when we fixed our eyes on "Jesus", but the byproduct of it all is we are jolly and happy with things we can have and looking forward to have instead of be joyful and grateful with things we have and looking at the present needs then i think we truly lost sight of what being a Christian is.

I'm no saint, not a qualified preacher too, but i believe that we should focus our skills and strengths on things that are more urgent, and our focus our weaknesses to remind ourselves we need God.

I've mentioned before, the vision a friend implanted in me is still very much alive in my head: A warehouse church, just good enough chair to not break, a mic and a small set of speakers, one guitar, and fans, no air-conds, and we're good to go to have a Sunday worship.

But what happened to that vision? Those who voiced it are now doing other things, lost sight of it, or maybe have other priorities, and all we are left are talk, dreams, things that seems idealistic now.

Maybe, it's time to sit down and pray, again, and again.

To everyone.

I'm sorry for being a jerk.

Colossal

Forgiveness, is one of the hardest thing to do.

What is to forgive? A lot don't realize the power of forgiveness, and even more the cost of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not free, it's paid, and more often than not it's illogical.

To forgive, it's to let go of what has happened, to truly say the person has done you wrong but let's get past this, it's not just flawed forgiveness, whereby you will bring it up, it's the forgiveness where only by grace of God may we perform it.

Those who refuses to forgive, it's not them to be blamed, our human nature motivates us to act this way, it's not right, but not entirely wrong either.

We sway, we move on.

If it doesn't work out. Then move on.

When one day, you can truly forgive, maybe it's the day you learned something precious.

Till that day, just move on.

Candles

Just candles lighting in the dark,

Shining, your time is coming up,

Dutifully doing is what it's about,

Even though time is running out.

Lighting up paths with its diminishing light,

Giving vision to those who needs it to those lost,

A small glow yet powerful when all is pitch black,

As it waste away the candle still goes on.

Just as it breathes it last,

Its time has come to past,

Surrounded by darkness' lust,

The candle bites the dust.

The candle soon to be forgotten,

But its duty never forsaken,

We are but passing candles,

Just humans jumping over hurdles.

Figuring Love

Love has been a subject for many songs, movies, dramas, motivation, fights and what not. Why is love so important?

I do not presume to be an expert in the topic of love, rather i'm figuring out still what this really is.

In the bible, it is written that there are 3 things: faith, hope and love, and that love is the greatest among them all.

I could see why, because God the Father, in His Son's worst moment decided to turn his face away from Him in order to demonstrate the greatest love of all - to let His Son die for all our sins in order to give way for sinners like us to go to God.

It is also written the there is no greater love than for a friend to lay down his life for another friend.

But outside the context of religion, love also prevails in songs, where some of it misconstrued it as sex, some of it  like a fairy tale.

But what is it really?

I wish i knew the answer, love isn't easy, it isn't easy to say it to someone because to love someone is to accept the person for who he/she is, and that is a problem to me, it is hard to accept a lot of people for who they are, same goes for others towards me, to love me is to accept me and  i know i am not easy to be loved.

The problem with love is that it can lead people to do the dumbest of things - suicide, kidnapping, rape.
This is what i label as perverted love, the love they have for one another is perverted, very much like sodom and gomorrah.

But the other end of love is when Abraham, despite all the despicable things the people were doing in those cities, pleaded with God to spare them.

Hosea, when his unfaithful wife ran off repeatedly, his love for her is so great that it overwrites all of the things she has done and still win her back.

Joseph, his love for God was so great that he was not tempted when he was seduced in order to preserve the sanctity of the lady's marriage and to preserve his body for a lover God set apart for him.

Love, so pure, so powerful.

i'm beginning to fall in love with a person, and in time i want to let her know that.

Man Of God (again)

Sometimes I'm a liar sometimes I'm a fake
sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
sometimes I'm a poet sometimes I'm a preacher
sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher


But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim


Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God


Sometimes I don't feel good
it's hard to start the day
it's hard to climb the obstacles
that sometimes come my way
if I make it, I'm a good man
am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
so I let grace prevail


But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim


Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God I'm ready for the night



-Man of God, Audio Adrenaline-


I'm not the man i used to be, but can i become what God wants me to?

I'll never...

Learn.

Waves of Time

The web has been flooded with stories of a recent rally, and everyone has an opinion, and by right they should. Everyone should have the right to say something, but must be a prudent reader, have some common sense to stand on the side of the fence which you think is right.

I am for the rally, anything to do with moving forward is always deemed worthy in my eyes, thought my presence was excluded that day, but my heart remains present and the cause i hold dear to me.

===

I had a good time in Sarawak, being at the Rainforest World Music Festival, good fun with good friends, but as all good things does, it comes to and end and hurled back to where i am before i left.

Picking up my slacks, facing trials as usual, what's the difference?

Yesterday a friend told me the gospel as it was, basic, basic instructions, principle of parsimony, simplicity at its best.

And it was refreshing, instead of the convoluted crap we have nowadays.

And he was right, faith is needed when comes to God and us, to make sense of it all would explode our brains.

And more than ever, i need faith.

Pray for me.

Would you kindly?

The Thomas Gown Affair

So many weddings next few months, including my sis'

So should be fun, though the idea of hot bridesmaid is not something i look forward to nowadays.

Met a friend couple days back, and this person seemed worn out and more depressed when i last saw him a little less than a year ago.

Work has got to him.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope is important, thought Love might be the greatest among them all, but i personally think Hope works just as important and definitely not mutually exclusive.

Must always hope things will change for the better.

My friends just needs to have a bit hope that with the decision that has and going to be made will be of good towards that person.

That being said, always hope this country will turn out for the better.

Let's hope for a good year ahead.

So far, 2011 is rocking.

Peter And Mary

"There's no time for sorrow when there's no such thing as time"

-Spider-Man The Musical-

Still of the night

In the still of the night

It's where i find isolation

Not a distraction in sight

Where it helps with thought collection

Where once it was confusing now appear clear

A resounding peace I'll obtain

The obstacles in the mind disappear

Nothing but mind rejuvenation gained

In the still of the night

It's where i encounter myself

To try to turn wrongs to right

To nurture the soul back to health

Where i express my thought

My hopes, dreams and aspirations

Of higher counsel i will sought

To hopefully derive an divine intervention

To able to end the night alone

Tis truly a magnificent feat

God listens from His throne

As i lay on my bed falling asleep

Come dawn come a new day

To live a life to call my own

To be able to truly say

I'm able to face to me whatever thrown

Pooped

This week was a theme of growing up!

This week's episode of South Park was possibly horrifyingly gross (due to all the shit) but the ending was a very bittersweet ending.

Without saying much, it would seem the creators are on the verge of bidding goodbye as South Parks runs it's 15th season. That is about 15 years since it came out! I was 10 years old then!

I was also flipping through photo albums from whence i was young till about high school, a lot of hidden memories surfaced and it was good. It's funny to know how you ended up here, yet still as surprised to what you once were.

As we grow up, we build more memories, we absorb more, in the process deletes older memories.

A lot has changed.
And will continue to do so.

The thing we should keep in mind: What will i do?

Progress, don't regress.

To The Moon

"Up" the animated movie by Pixar Films was one of their best films yet, and i'm immensely impressed by the great concept and satisfying premise which led to be one of the top films i've seen on my list.

In the first 20 minutes of the movie, i've already formed tears in my eyes as the wordless scenes unfolded before my eyes and demonstrated that life can indeed be beautiful when spending with the right person and that dreams keeps us going.

The sad part was the unfulfilled dream, and with the void left by the death of the protagonist's spouse, it was not hard to identify with the protagonist that the last thing he could do for his wife was to fulfill the dream they had when they first met. The hollowness of life can be a thorough motivator yet devastating if left alone. Thus, brings us to the crux of the story in "Up" - finding another reason to move on.

But what was the real draw for me was really the balloons, we've all dreamt that the helium inflated balloons could one day whisk us away to the unknown, to adventures beyond our imagination and to infinity and beyond!
And "Up" has used that idea to help the protagonist to fly away into a far away land.

Life's like that, I know i've been saying a lot, and a lot more words has passed through my mouth than actions did my hands, unfortunately, it's not so simple, i am a flightless creature, my balloon, i believe, are coming up, but the rate of helium being pumped in is slower than i would like it to be.

That being said, a balloon flight would be all kinds of cool. And the closest i can get for now is dream.

Not to make this all depressing, but always good to know that there are bigger things in life, and life does not end here.

Red, blue, pink and indigo,

Does all these colors take me to where i want to go?

Orange, green, white and red,

I often wonder as i lie on my bed.

Onto a magical adventure I could be,

Flying dragons, mystical creatures I'd see!

Maybe a quest to find the dungeon key,

To dispel the land from magic and sorcery!

The sun rises and soon I'm awake,

My dreams gone as easy as it was made.

Greens, whites, black and pink,

It means differently in this world I'm in.

Whisked away the time of my years,

Death subtly waiting with his quiet cheers.

Soon I'll be left with naught,

An ambition now a lingering thought.

Whose to say what went right or wrong?

Door to the grave is singing its song.

What comfort left shall I cling to?

Nothing left but a waiting fool.

Balloon Flight

It's been slightly more than 2 weeks that i was off work from my previous job.

I do enjoy this time off, to do things i really want, meet people and actually have a life. Yes, the financial worries starts to sink in right about now and is looming over my head all day long. But i still got a bit to survive on.

But that's just it isn't it? With prices hiking up but salaries remain low, cost of living goes up, no minimum wage, all short term benefits for the country to stimulate for money for themselves, to probably build more useless buildings, waste more money on things that don't really matter to others.

People who leaves M'sia gets more benefit what with tax cuts if they come back here, while the people who chose (or not) to stay behind suffers the lack of money, the full blown taxable amount.

How is this fair? I read an article, an opinion of one saying that other countries are worst off, guess what, your opinion sucks. We are not fucking living in another country, we are here, our problems are pertaining to this place. Ally McBeal once taught me "my problems isn't the biggest in the world, but they are to me because they are MY problems"

Same goes for us, we're stuck in this country, some of us may never move out, so why aren't we better taken care of? You want to cut subsidy of necessities, fine by me, give us minimum wage, a guideline on what is to be paid to us. Saying that earning about Rm2k+ in KL is enough to survive is not a solution, get off your lofty chairs and live like us for once. I'm freaking 25, and i can't afford to live anywhere, can't afford to buy a car, can't afford to invest in a good property.

Our plan was supposed to eliminate poverty by God knows when, but with your irresponsible actions, your political power play, the time you spend covering your own asses could be better spent making up better policies. But no, we're getting poorer by the way, being forced to be sucked into this thing call repetitive work, just so we can put food on the table, buy baby milk, pay more taxes.

Brain drain, and you all wonder why this is happening.

I can't anymore, i love this country, but sometimes the future is so bleak the alternative seems to be just pack and leave, you're right, maybe leaving will be worst off, but there are some testimonies that hard work pays off elsewhere, you never try you'll never know.

Ultimately, your allegiance is to your self, self-preservation comes first, so there really isn't any loyalty issue involved, if you don't take care of your people, don't expect them to stick around, same rules applies to every organization out there.

We're all scared. I am scared, of a lot of things, of life, of what i am going to do next, of whether i'll be able to do what i want to do next, of death, of people.

We have to move on. But we're scared.

I'm scared.

Flipside

2nd time I've been to church since a year ago.

Still the same. Having mixed feelings about it.

I realized I never had a buddy who stood around long enough to watch my rise and fall (and hopefully an eventual rise again). A few of them are taken away by circumstances. While some remained but are caught up in their own routine to actually listen.

Nobody's fault, I've haven't been around for a lot of people. And when people tell me I'm a good friend, I doubted it.

Eventually we all move on. And tonight was a good night. My good friend came back from overseas and was pushing the right button.

All you need sometimes is one nudge.

Ideals

I was younger, maybe 18, or was it 17.

Head filled with ideals, what a perfect world should be, how we should run the world.

It was good times, albeit slightly impractical.

I remembered we'd said we build a church, using a factory lot, deprived of air conditioning and comfy seats, in exchange for just pure presence of the people to worship God. But the person who said it, has gone to marry and settled down in another country.

I remembered we'd give to the poor every now and then. But all of us forgotten and left that behind.

I remember a lot of things, things that either bear no weight now, or have been unintentionally forgotten.

But as we grew up, things like responsibilities, practicality, reality falls onto us like a crashing rain. Things we never thought would befall us befell us, and now grip us, choking the ideals out of us.

Us, maybe it's just me.

Faced with temporary unemployment, an aging body and a cynical outlook, ideals seems to be the least of my concerns.

--

After almost a year, i stepped back into a church, this church was a church i have not previously attended on any given Sundays, so i went, and surprise surprise, nothing's changed, not to me anyway, the people were still nice, songs were still sung.

What was i looking for? Why must it be different? So i'm different? I've changed.

I've strayed. For how far and how long? I have no answer to that.

Morally Bankrupt

With the power of the internet, a lot of people are voicing their opinions online. Whether with merit or not, the public still inevitably gets influenced by it.

I think one of the main problems (apart from all the good stuff it gave us like freedom of speech, a lil bit of transparency etc) is that we're defined by it.

Like it or not, there are just too many people in this world, we cannot be bothered to properly know each and every one before we make an evaluation on their being.

If one person keeps advocating social responsibility and what not, they'll label this person a saint, while others will also find fault with that person.

A person puts off indie music and will be judged as extremist, pretentious or having real taste in music.

With all this going on globally, it's no wonder the real crux of the problem remains hidden, like someone posting up a sad update, immediately we either say "what's up?" or think to ourselves "c'mon, not again?"

I still think nothing beats a human torch, correct, i agree, with internet, we voice out more, but remember we take our information too lightly, with one thing in mind that i've always reminded myself of is..

Information is power.

With information, you can crush or destroy, create and bless.

We should be wary of what we post, even if it merits the truth, we should always study the facts first.

That being said, a lil update on my life:

I am going to have a slight change in my life, as i venture out of desk job to a sales job.

Hoping that this is what i will find passion in before i kick in my long term plans.

Apart from that,helping a friend prepare a wedding is quite fun, the people involved are one of the more bubbly bunch and it's quite a refreshing take from the other circle of friends.

Bus Stop

Waiting.

Live involves a lot of waiting. Be it waiting to go to school, waiting to get off school, waiting to go to sleep after a long day. Waiting for the weekends to come, waiting for pay day, waiting for that special someone to turn up in your life.

Waiting for a miracle, waiting for the war to stop, waiting for a loved one in a bus terminal.

Waiting.

In between waiting, we will do something. Often small things to carry us through, to help us achieve the goals we want to achieve.

Some see waiting as an opportunity to do every thing else - travel, read a book, meet up with friends, have fun, get drunk, go pray etc. But ultimately we're waiting.

On the flip side, you have death waiting for you, waiting to rob you of your life, your last breath, your loved ones, your sight, taste, smell etc.

So what do we do before then? We would not know how long we would have to wait before death finally caves and come to knock on our doors.

The real peril would be what if we do not know that we're waiting? We think we have a lot of time - time to get promoted, time to date before marriage, time to grow old, time to do every thing else but live?

I have a friend who cannot stand waiting idly, she has to be somewhere everywhere or always getting busy.

I have a friend waiting to get married.

I have a friend waiting to get out of a job.

Every one is waiting.

I am waiting.

We're constantly on a bus that keeps dropping us so another bus will come by.

While we wait, let's wait moving forward, not looking back.