Chorus

I want to make prints on the sand

As i do that holding you by the hand

I want to run along the stream

Holding one another as we dream

I want to look towards the sky

And pretend to be birds so we can fly

I don't know what the future holds

I just know i'm not letting go

I...

...think i have fallen

to depths of the deep seat

...know that i'm finding

a ground to stand on

...thought about it long and hard

but still i came to no conclusion

...remembered the beach and bright lit moon

the wind breeze caressing my face

...saw the boats chattering in the sea

swaying their bodies as if dancing

...received an astounding revelation

not as if it hadn't happened before

...caught a glimpse of what was in stored

a life that was less secure

...decided to take the leap of faith

and trade security with meaning

...ran a thousand miles in my head

and was happy that i did

...smiled at you but you were reading

a book that was strange to me

...thought of talking to you

but you've alluded me

...vowed no more of this

Carpe Diem my new found chant

...foresee a future after a chapter ends

one forged with hardship and fears

...grasp your hand with all my might

with worries but surely moving forward

...laughed at the sheer revelation

one that was so simple but effective

...buried the dead cut off the living

to keep only the essentials

...packed my bags bought my ticket

awaiting for my train to board

...eagerly imagined all of this

things that have not come to pass

...felt the warmth in my heart

knowing that as of now it will last

...could say more

but words fail me

...trust in the One before

and i shall trust once again

...rest my case.

flightless

Rio. what a great movie.

the thought of being a flightless bird really sums up a lot of people's lives.

we're caged. in our own mindset our own culture our own excuses.

cyclical death is what we've gotten ourselves into.

just like the source code movie taught us. don't waste a minute, don't wait.

i'm done waiting. time to fly.

time to soar and take flight.

it's time.

Where is my mind?

Let me walk this earth with you.

Jet Plane

I have dominance over the living room once again.

The ascension to becoming man of the house was not an easy one.

My dad flew off today, wished him best of luck. At least he'll be back soon.

The absence of my dad cannot be compared the the loss of another person's dad.

How fragile life is, a day's event changes the life course of others.

My condolences to you, my friend.

The sorrow i felt for you cannot be on par with the sorrow that befalls you.

Somebody's Fool

Open Documents Folder --> Click resignation letter --> Dated back then 01 March 2010

Today.

End of March.

Well, it's the deja vu kind of feeling. But nevertheless it's a step forward.
Yet. It is also a step backward.

I distinctly remember that last year around this time, i did a post on how i feel useless, and i was referring to how my dad at this age cannot take a break and still finding work and is further from the grandson he really loves.
And i was heartbroken.

But then he retired.

But due to circumstances, he has to go off again, once again probably missing his grandson's upcoming birthday.

It made me rethink a lot things in life.

A lot.

You say i bring bad culture, i say i'm bringing diversity.

You say i'm incompetent, i say your working style is inefficient.

You say good riddance, i say it's nothing personal, just business.

Milestone

Tomorrow, March 15th 2011 will mark that it has been a year since i joined this working place.

A fellow colleague asked, "A year, what have we achieved?"

I could list down a lot, experience, friends I've gained and lost or in the midst of losing. The hardships, the laughter, the small doses of hope, the small doses of smile.

But the truth hits, i could never achieve more than certain people have done in a day.

A fruit seller, died and sparked revolutions.

A missionary, murdered, bred a new beginning for a tribe otherwise ignored by the world.

A woman, gave two copper coins, gave more than anyone could at that time.

Maybe it's time for the revolution of the self (you've read it here first!).

I would imagine at every point of a person's life, they will have a revolution of the self. It's the point where the realization of how short of life is meets what you hope to accomplish. Mind you, this revolution can happen multiple times, but i would imagine the first time is the most crucial. The mind is a powerful thing, when the revolution takes place, what follows is the mind consolidating the process and outcome. Which by then may already acknowledged you've paid the ultimate price and never allow that to happen.

For example, you quit a stable job because you want to help people in the poorer parts of the world. After a few years, you realized you can't do this anymore, you want back a city life, at this point, the revolution of the self may occur again, but your mind may intervene and don't allow because you paid the price and going back would mean regression, a step backward, hence you'd still be unhappy.

But the great thing about the revolution of the self, is that it's the ultimate break it or make it situation, it can take you from an unhappy state to a happy state, though there may be setbacks, as most revolution does, you'd know eventually something good will happen, but not without sacrifices.

Not without sacrifices.

Then Then Then

"come back to church, we need more young people"

"come back to church, we need more people to serve"

That is your pitch to me to try to get me back to church?

Nice try. Even a kid could come up with better things to say. I appreciate the honesty, i really do. But i guess your honesty does not come with concern of my wellbeing, or my spiritual being in that sense. And you wonder why i left in the first place?

Sunday night.

Complains resound all over the net about dreading to go to work (applicable to working people only).

Complains. But nothing is done about it.

Why?

Why?

To resist is to persist, that sometimes can be a burden.

Take down a dictator or just live a life with rules?

It's not so simple.

Yet it is.

Got enough cheese? Yes, and you too.

From the first sight of you

My heart was captured

Thought you were cool

The loneliness been murdered

When i spoke first to you

I choked at my words

Looking like a fool

My heart shrunk from a size to a third

Constantly noticing you

Constantly trying to get noticed

Ring of fire i'll jump through

Just to steal one kiss

Think you and i aren't meant to be

First i'm not type

Second am not a looker nothing to see

Now from you i want to hide

So back to sitting here doing nothing

Staring at you hoping for nothing

My heart now just became nothing

As my life returns to nothing.

Only In

The noise.

But they are good noise.

When i need an escape, i turn to sleep. To dreams.

Some days, i believe my dream was a real memory, on one hand it means i'm close to going nuts, on the other hand, well, there is no other hand.

But vivid dreams are the ones that makes me wake up stunned.

They sometimes remind me of someone i've not seen for a long time, and i contact them when i wake up.

Sometimes it comes up as some scene that would never happened in real life.

But what it never shows is the future.

Which was kind of a bummer.

Nevertheless.

The dream i appreciate most, is to have the ability to fly.

Escapism, flying, wonder if they are correlated positively?

Ode To The Family

A Short Story:

Tom drew a lighter from his pocket, his hands were shaking due to nervousness as he lit the cigarette stick that was protruding out of his mouth. As he took a few puffs and blew the smoke out casually, he wonders what would his parents think of this - smoking.

His parents would not approve. But yet, if found out, probably will dish out just a few stern warnings and that was it. So Tom continued smoking; it calms him down.

Where he was standing, it overlooked the entire town, small little droplets of rain water fell on his face, cold air stings his body. But he stood there, the cigarette stick now a third of its original length. It seems strange, as the cold was crimson red, and the people walking from afar seem to be faceless.

But he thought nothing of it.

For that moment, the world seem to be at peace. For that one moment, life is great for Tom.

Tom.

Didn't realize he was now at a bridge, a bridge where it was built over a river flowing with what it seems to be like strings, millions of strings, pretending to be river water.

A girl.

Jessica. Appears. Tom takes a good look at her and concludes she is her lover.

Jessica.

For all the things he could do, Tom wouldn't trade this moment with her for anything else, not even to turn back time.

A leap.

Tom was plunging towards the river, while Jessica sobs and cries out his name.

The connection they have, now gone, as Tom is engulfed by the strings, still pretending to be river water.

Jerk.

Tom wakes up, thinking it's not a dream, but a memory of 50 years ago.

Lies.

His bed he lies. Tom looks out the window, the clouds is dark and arguing with one another. One cloud started crying.

Tom sighs.

That one moment.

That one.

Jessica.

I feel

Defeated.

If i can't trust anyone, who do i have left?

Let me trust You again.

Reunion

As the eve of chinese new year was before us.

3 of us sat around the small rectangular table, a platter of food fit for ten people was laid before us.

As mother was saying grace. I took a quick glance and noticed how much my parents aged.

One became frail and wrinkled, another worn out and slowed.

Myself, grown up.

How things have changed.

The dinner did not last long, the reunion was short lived, soon left just both mother and I, talking away about how good the food was.

Mother took it upon herself to clean everything up, and all i could do was thank her and watched as she packs things one by one away, returning to the life before the reunion dinner.

Her worn out eyes has seen a lot in life, and yet, a lot of things in life eludes her.

The bigger things she longs to enjoy may not come to her in this life, so she is happy with the little things - movies to watch, presence of grandson, the chatter among family members, gardening and current time gadgets that sometimes are beyond her comprehension.

This is the life of mother, a woman who had ambitious dreams when she graduated from high school, who found disappointment when her conservative mother forbade her to further her studies overseas in fear of her never returning to her homeland.

A woman who could have been successful in every aspect of life, unwillingly remained behind, working jobs after jobs, until she was married.

Bore two child, raised them up almost singlehandedly as her husband strove outside to make ends meet.

In a blink of an eye, 27 years has passed since then. Still trying to stretch the dollar. Still raising her kids even though they had already grown up.

The money she saved always ends up for the family, all those longing for travelling seems to disappear as time goes by.

Who knows how long will this continue? Who is to say that the mold cannot be broken?

A few things came across my mind: is she happy? Could at any point did she wish she could turn back time and start over?

As the clock struck midnight, subtly indicating the new year has dawn upon us, she opened the wooden door to my room, as i was holding my guitar, sitting on my bed, i noticed her eyes again, the little satisfaction that she was still able to give me a red packet, containing money which i do not need from her anymore. Money that i was supposed to give her and not take. She lied. She said that the two red packets are from her and father. But i know that the money was from her, and she is preserving what is left of a tradition which she is so accustomed to. I smiled and accepted, knowing that refusal would mean disrespect.

Thus begins a new year, a chinese one at that.

I kept the red packets aside, knowing that i will probably not use it.

What used to be a source of money for the new year has now been relegated to be a symbolic gesture, one that so few understand about.

This year, i am glad that it is unlike any other chinese new year.

Nomadic Hypocrites

Just when hope needed to appear.

It did.

Regarding the friend's dad in my previous post, the dad is now awake, and most likely on the road to recovery,

I

Have

Savior's

Complex


It's not that serious as those articles you read when you Google it. But i realized i do have a form of it.

Basically i try to help anyone (whom i am bothered about) in whatever possible way i can. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't.

Not sure is it stemmed from my name or not, but it is a peculiar thing to have.

Maybe i dislike seeing people lagging behind me or suffer, i rather if they were on par with me or ahead.

But it sickens me, to see how society and their self made rules ruin people's lives.
Rules and laws are meant to benefit the people, not making them mindless slaves.

It sickens me. Deep within. To be confined to unreasonable expectations of others, when our full potential are on a leash.

It's unfortunate, and sometimes required.

How sick and twisted this world is.

If i sound like i am making myself to be a messiah, i'm not.

I just jacked out of this "matrix"

Mime emiM

The theme of today is hope.

What is hope, a politician two years back used hope as his main slogan in his campaign.

Hope.

A powerful word indeed. With that word, he became a president, but through hope alone isn't enough, it must inspire.

As i watched Adventureland, there is a sense of hope in which the story's characters are driven by.

A tiny bit, but it's there.

As my friend's dad lies in the hospital, hope seems to be fleeting, but without it, the will to carry on would vanish with it as well.

A friend working overseas or out of state, hopeful to make it big, earn a decent living to have a comfortable life no matter how fucked up things are right now.

A hopeful dreamer, still dreaming about days where it'll work out for him as long as he tries.

Unfortunately, hope must be paid with effort and mindset.

One who does not try does not yield, or worse, does not know.

So for what it's worth, it's going to be a rocky year, but there is still hope.

For everyone tonight who needs hope, i hope for whatever or whoever they believe in, in their sleep they will find solace, even if only for a few hours.

Rule #32

Enjoy the little things.


2011 was supposed to be an all ass kicking year.

So far has not been anywhere near it and January already coming to an end.

Maybe an exit plan is very much needed.

Enjoy the little things.

I've loathed the fact that every time i see something bad happened, i would go into rant mode and just rant.
Newspapers filled with news that really just brings the world down.
Age versus Meaningful Achievement

But

Enjoy the little things.

A small truth i found when watching Zombieland.

The innocent smile of a child.

The bat of eye from a person you like towards you.

The slip of tongue a friend made.

The quiet drives during the night alone.

The nights of silence.

The couple peacefully sitting together on the LRT.

A bottle of water after playing basketball.

The thought of someone.

That one song you hum but couldn't figure out who was the singer.

Enjoy the little things.

Some little things are worth living for.

Basic Space

How far have i fallen if i feel like an atheist?

How far will i go to condemn others?

How far will i go?

How far,will i?

How far?

How?

Path One

A year ago, death haunted my surroundings.

A friend committed suicide, a friend died in an accident.

A year ago, someone broke my heart and took a piece of me.

1 year ago, education ended and the fear of where to go and what to do found me again.

Yet the sense of adventure and new found passion to do different things came alive.

That very same moment a year ago, i sold my soul to a company, a self declared contract of one year.

How 1 year can make a difference, how 365 days can change a man (or woman).

Where am i now a year later?

Comfortable with not being a burden to the family. Passion to work and travel has diminished a little.

But still here, still the same.

But alas, this year started off with a marriage announcement, it started a chain of reactions that i think is forthcoming.

It was backed up by good friend coming back from other country. Supported by a good bunch of friends from different walks of life.

So how is this year going to not suck?

Give me a year.

I'll write about it.

It's

It's not picking yourself up that is hard

Or not thinking about it

It's forgiveness.

Glass Looking

Hence begin a new year.

It's clearly etched into my mind how 2010 went. So much so it burns.

Nothing went as planned.

But I've gained a lot.

Especially perspectives.

But all in all, a dip into the corporate sector and i feel how it taints, how it grows on you and slowly try to draw you to the deep end of the lake.

How are we going to be different than the mindless slaves justifying their cause when their cause is nothing more than actually just to serve to fill the fat cats with more money?

In Q3 of 2010, i lost my passion and dream, slowly dwindled with discouraging words from people, and pessimistic thoughts. The only thing kept me going was nothing.

Being nothing is as if showing God the finger. And no one shows the God Father the finger.

But here's hoping the year ahead is better.

I need to try.

I don't have a lot going for me, i was thinking of writing about how imperfect my family was. How i can be so tolerant of friends that don't understand me, how i waste my life sleeping it away.

I could.

Easy to blame.

Not easy to do something about it.

I've been saying a lot of things to alot of people about what i want to do.

Time to make it happen.

If not i'll admit defeat and jack myself into the matrix.