Year Ahead

The one thing to remind myself, is that i am 26 and still as poor as ever.

The other thing to remind myself, is that i'm gonna make this a kickass year.

So, let's hope for something good to turn out!

Being Perfect

I am a broken man in a broken world.

For what good is a perfect man in a perfect world?

He has not tasted hunger, and have not been overjoyed when received food.

Has not thirst and be restored at a sip of water.

He knows no sadness, no tears rolling down his cheek.

No hope for there is no need of hope.

No despair, no love for all is perfect.

There is no darkness to contrast the light.

No evil to have good.

No joy of helping another, no appreciation of what is dying.

No pain, no fear.

No experience of the joy of being in love.

For what good is a man if he is perfect and everything is nothing but perfect?

He knows no sorrow for there is none.

No hatred, no imperfections to repair, no moral values to consider.

No thoughts that tears him apart, no decisions that will impact him or any other.

No sowing, no reaping, no putting your hands in the dirt.

He has everything he needs and wants, and even that is naught because everything is perfect.

A man truly lives when he sweat tears and blood.

When he finds hope amidst hopeless times.

Salvation on the other end of the spectrum.

A man truly loves when he finds it, truly gives because others needs it.

He will mourn and wail, weeps and cries.

But he will also laugh and smile, appreciate and be grateful.

For all that is imperfect, it makes up a meaningful life.

He could die unfulfilled, but he dies and lived.

He could die striving for an unattainable goal, but he dies trying.

He could die and suffer the most horrific death, but hoped.

He enjoys the birth of his child, and feels lost when the child dies.

He could lose the battle, but died defending what he believes him.

None of that can come to pass in a perfect world.

I am a broken man in a broken world.

And there is nothing i would change of it.

She's going

...she will be gone.

Being Two-5

Being 25 is an accomplishment by itself, you've survived this far and you're at best 3 quarters away from death or at least halfway through your life!

At this point you're probably into your job for the first year, into your masters or PhD years, or looking for a job, and also figuring what the fuck is it you actually want to do for the rest of your crappy life!

No easy answers, and plenty of articles, blogs and motivational speakers would have told you how to!

Well, here is a few tips from someone who is 25:

• Fuck peer pressure and cultural expectations (note: me is Chinese), yeap, that's right! Oh don't get me wrong, i feel the goddamned pressure every fucking day! Ok, maybe not every day like days i play board games, watch some nice movie and/or generally napping for more than 2 hours! But what i really meant was that your friends and peers and do whatever the hell they want, but you don't have to conform! Well, to put it bluntly, if you're not into the corporate world, don't jump into it because you "have" to, or "should". If it's money that's currently worrying you, do some part time jobs or take up some job that you don't mind doing while slowly figuring your way there. This makes total sense, because what you choose to do could very well be something you'll be doing for an extended period of time, and if you simply do it just because, you might be miserable. So take some time, do some odd jobs or take up some admin jobs and figure out what your strengths are and where your passion lies and what can you do best be complemented by it!
• Peer pressure is going to mindfuck you! - Yeap, as to build upon the earlier point - being who we are, people around us tend to be our benchmarks for success in life. My friends are earning way more than i do, travelling the world now and seeing a whole lot of things while i sit down and write this stupid blog post. I feel like shit, but important thing is to not lose focus, you might take 10 years to get to where you are, but at least you're getting there, so you could lose on getting new gadgets, eating fancy food, but if you're happy with where you are heading, peer pressure can be overcome.
• Action! - This is where most people mess up! We do not take action, we tend to like to think of hypothetical scenarios rather than experiencing them, don't get me wrong, you might end up worse off than before, but you know what? At the very least, you've tried. No "What if" looming in your minds, no "Maybe this might have happened", none of those! What's left is "Where do I go now?" You take an action to move on, you stay where you are playing safe you might just be stagnant! Well, playing safe has its merits, most important is to check your goals to see if that is the best course of action.
• Have hope, believe in yourself - I won't kid you, some people die without even being close to their dream, but as my previous point has stated, no "What if" situations. Always believe you can do it, but always always be realistic, if you know you ain't gonna be no rock star, then maybe switch it up to something more practical! Compromises can be made as long as you're happy.
• Brain - Yeap, use your freaking brain! God gave us brain (for those who believe in higher beings) and if we don't use them to think ahead, think through, plan and make decisions, then all my points are moot! And for you people who like to say "God will direct me", it doesn't mean you sit there waiting for shit to happen, it means you gotta just trust whatever step you're taking will be guided by God, don't sit there, move!

And that is probably half of what i intended to write, i just got lazy! But it should get some of you started off, if that is anyone willing to take advice from a struggling citizen whose dreams are as far as it could be from him.

This Period of Time

It always comes down to this period of time, where you truly sit down and think things through.

Always at one point or another, i'd think i'm doing alright, just waiting patiently to get there, waiting for my time to come, and that all i have been doing up to that point was needed in order to get to where i wanted to be.

I think it's an innate ability of any human to deceive themselves that they are justified in what they are doing.

It is a good and bad thing.

No real right or wrong.

I could sleep for hours upon hours, and yet still be tired.
Or even busy myself day after day and still feeling aimless.
I could dream of things beyond things yet still feel grounded.
And live a life that is utterly and disappointingly pointless.

I could walk and traverse this world yet be back where i once stood.
I could fly on wings of the eagle but still be stagnant and unmoved.
Wade through rivers and walk through deserts all that i could.
But end up disbelieving in all and be unloved.

How do i continuously deceive my own heart?
So that i can make it to the end of my being?
Not thinking of life's broken pieces and shards.
Not wondering about anything at all; continue deceiving.

I write and write for pages so long.
I speak and speak in poems and song.
I talk and talk to people and more.
But still feel the emptiness' sore.

I breathe.
I live.
I love.
I die.

I am me.

Man Up

People will have a lot of things to say about a lot of things, the thing is, we must filter and decide for ourselves what is right.

I've been unleashed to the working world close to 2 years now, and as previous post stated, ideals and dreams can fade.

Our mind contradicts, we think we have to work in a dead end job to provide but in return life has no meaning; we want life to have meaning but we think we can't end up with a dead end job, but we can fuse both - have a job and a meaningful life.

The problem with human cognition is that we always rationalize, not a bad thing to do but always doing it can stifle us. The other problem is that we always pre-planned our time. It's like using a credit card, we use future money to make ourselves feel good now.

The danger here is that we'll never know where the future money is coming from to pay it off. We could leave it to our future selves to figure it out, but that's just being a douche to your future self. Same with using time, we always plan to do things in the future, but when it comes we just postpone it or just say we can't do it.

That's a load of turd.

We move now, we make our own chances. No future is built by planning in the future, we should plan now for the future, not just dreaming of hypothetical futures to soothe our lack of self fulfillment now. If that is the case, no house will ever be built. We lay down the bricks to have a home, we start a revolution now to make sure we get to where we want to be.

Complacency will kill our dreams; "I will work now and travel later" - It's logical, it's rational, it seems like the right thing to do, but when the time comes, are we going to compromise and maybe skim off some of the plans and postpone it?

I may not make sense, but one thing i'm sure, we want it, we do it.

Reconciliation

The funny think about thinking, is that when you think about it, you often find things you don't want to think about but ended up thinking about it anyway.

At this very moment, i like to think about money, where to get them, where to find them and how in the best possible way. With this thought, i think about how else can i spend the money if i had it, and to double it.

I come up with business ideas, business models, things to do, things i'm doing currently. And it's as if i had found what i should be doing, then i went ahead and think.

Like seriously think.

Been deprived of a good night sleep recently, made me had more time to just lie there and think, much like when i was in high school or uni, where i would just spend my time on bed alone, after a good read or a good day, just lie there, staring at the ceiling, appreciating the minor light shone by the street lamp outside my house into my room to give me a bit of warmth, the dogs barking, the winds howling, and just think.

So i gave a thought yo life, and how long i've come since whence i was younger and more idealistic.

Used to just want to jump on a ship and sail away, or just take a one way ticket to some country and just walk and work. Would want to go help people every where, go on mountain hikes and cycle down a beaten path. Explore waterfalls, fly a kite, try surfing.

But now, just want to spend a few nights out at mamak, have fun, and then go home and sleep. And i would think of how to generate money, with money i can do all of those things! Then begs the question, when will it be enough so i could start doing any of the above?

I see people just taking off and having fun wherever they are, don't get me wrong, money is still a concern to them, but they are happy off doing that instead of climbing the corporate ladder.

Where am i heading? Could i be a tent maker too and just go off?

How do i reconcile my current goals with my thoughts and actions?

How to do all this?

I hope i don't spend a lifetime figuring this out.