Monday, April 26, 2010


Driving the streets around 2 am really opens up new perspectives.

The drive wasn't boring nor was it tiring, but rather enjoyable and carefree.

I had a destination. Therefore getting there is the fun part.

But it's when you just go about aimlessly is when the stress steps in.

No regrets, it's the hardest thing to have.

Rather if we frame it properly, stuff that's out of the control we graciously accept. Stuff that's in control, even simple things like the girl next door you always didn't have the guts to say hi to, that one job you didn't dare try, that few words you were afraid to mutter to someone you care deeply for, raising your hand to ask a question during lecture, we all can have a say in it.

It is regrets that we could avoid that cripples us, that makes us break down, and lose hope.
If i hadn't had the guts to quit my previous job, i wouldn't be happier, if i didn't try to do my experiment on my own and attempted something so troublesome, i wouldn't have felt proud and graduated with honor. That's not to say i didn't have any regrets, i did.

I was embarrassed of my mom once, i didn't had the guts to go for a girl, i didn't lend a helping hand to someone in need, i didn't have the bravery to face someone i wronged, i lied for own gain and many others.

But the funny thing is, when you do realize that time is short, that it is running out, that maybe tomorrow or the next 5 minutes you'll leave this world, you'd start to handle things differently, you have the guts to quit your job, move on in life regardless good or bad, to make friends with someone you didn't like, to take a step forward and travel to other countries alone, to say "heck it" to social norms like getting a degree at 22 and pursue your own dreams.

It is wise to take life with your hand, because life itself is on a short leash, ready to be let go whenever the Master upstairs pleases.

With 2 deaths in four months, came 2 weddings, life is fair, one candles blows up another is lit. How long more are we to stay idle and say for sure tomorrow surely will come?

Nay, no more, to my friends, to infinity and beyond, movies and songs aren't there just for entertainment, it's a representation of the human being.

Regrets, be gone.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


There is two.

One - Staying put. Moving upwards, relentless

Two - Move out, move elsewhere, move.

To reconcile is to bring upon unforseen sufferings and joy.
To reconcile is to go counter direction.
To walk the other way, is to give up on expected things.


Sunday, April 11, 2010


Today April the 10th, a good friend from high school, was married in a church and a lovely wedding dinner followed after.

I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.

Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"

I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"

Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.


And yet,

There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?

For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.

This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.

Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:

A Joker's Heart

In a castle not far away
A joker was there to stay
Morning he brought laughter and cheers
Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears

Who could tell of the Joker's heart?
Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart
Who'd bother to ask how was his day?
They just wanted him and his playful ways

The Joker longs to pour out his heart
To tell his feelings, his joy and much
Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?
It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek

Finally, the Joker could take it no more
He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four
He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark
Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.

-6th May, 2009-

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Took the Train

I saw two dudes with kids, and they were happy.

A lady happily reading her book.

A tomboy shouting profanities over the phone.

A couple hugging.

A kid laughing himself silly while calling his brother.

A socially awkward teenager.

A woman carrying buckets of KFC.

And a reflection of myself, tired, worn out, and defeated.

And i say to myself "here is life."

And there is nothing wrong with it.

The only crime i can commit is to let go and be complacent.

I will not be complacent.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


Work work work.

That's all working people talk about!

I felt an sudden onset of depression, a not so serious kind but enough to make me down.

Correlations: Hotter the girls (and they know it), the worse a guy suffers.

You betcha'

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Trading Scars

Thus arrived us at Easter.

But what significance is there? Would Jesus still come down to die for us knowing that we have descended into such sad state? Where people lose faith in the institutions that bear His name? Where the world is the church and the church is of the world?
Would He? Or would we picture Him weeping in Heaven and the tears becomes raindrops that water the earth, hoping that if all else fails, at least the flowers would still be beautiful and elegant as they were meant to be?

It is time for reflections, and I have gone astray, yet, hopefully clinging on, but slipping, may the last finger that holds on be the one to pull me to where I should be.

I have a dream. A dream that seems far fetched in dire times like these. A time where you wish you had never left Neverland, a time where you would dream dreams.

Sometimes we think watching movies and listening to music is nonsense and people should be more productive, but i really think movies are there to remind people life is more than what they made it out to be. People enjoy movies and songs, not for the sake of escapism, but to keep their focus on things that were meant for them to enjoy - the world and all created things.

To break free from monotony, to have autonomy, to live.

I have a dream, a dream that would seem foolish in eyes of others, but a dream that at least another share.

A dream.

It keeps me moving forward. Let's move forward.