-Even Aliens got a chance to be married, and me still single-
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Her hesitance, her sighs,
Her woes are nigh,
Gaze upon the open greens,
Wondering if the end justifies the means.
Standing before her responsibility,
The endless cycle, the ungraitfying continuity,
She tires herself endlessly,
Never uttering a word, moving silently.
The pain she bore, she could never tell,
Though life was good, she was unwell,
As the water runs through her feet,
Tears come after, rolling down her cheek.
Who could rescue her at this time?
There was no crisis, no cry of help, no crime,
All she could do was open her eyes,
Weep silently, the unheard cries.
Helplessly one stand afar,
Looking at her, scar upon scar,
The agony of doing nothing,
The shame ever haunting.
When will the spinning end?
When will the Up High help to send?
Still ever strifing there she stands,
Her strength, her will to carry on, I could never understand.
30th May, 2009
Posted by -L- at 12:45 PM
A lot of things to do, a lot to handle, yet i have no focus.
mid-terms, thesis experiment, things in life!
How do clowns juggle so many stuff in one go?
The key to change if vested within one individual, isn't it too much power and responsibility given?
Wonder how would Jesus have felt at the moment before the cross.
Was talking to a friend, we discussed the emerging trends of churches, it seems that once again the church faces trouble, could be politics, could be organization problems, what is true though is that a lot of christians are no longer christians.
Come to think of it, what differenciate us from others?
We come, we do all that is needed, we leave. It's been going on for years and years.
If we always adapt to the changing world, then we might as well don't subsribe to a religion.
Another friend said, "Jesus is actually a cool dude, it's the christians that make Him look bad."
Ouch, i have no qualms agreeing.
If we are the reason Jesus died on the cross, why are we now the reason of making Him look bad?
Ah, questions that probably could never be answered, another friend wrote on the blog that some things just can't be answered, why bother. I agree.
Sometimes, friends have the darndest things to say, and its true.
Childhood - perfect solace in an imperfect world.
Posted by -L- at 10:43 AM
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
If i was a girl,
It'll make boys hurl,
Lipsticks abound, my hair twirls,
Prepare my coming, world!
If I were a lady,
Guys would ask me out daily,
or so i think, because i'm easy,
easy to mix with, you silly!
If i was a female,
I'd catch all the attention of males,
I'll be flocked with thousand of emails,
One of them probably is the prince of wales.
If i was a woman,
no men in the world to entice i couldn't,
i bet this poem has proven,
Me as a girl, will be awesome.
Sigh... why do i even bother posting up such post.
Posted by -L- at 10:51 PM
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thai do love their pink, i mean REALLY love them.
Pink Gazebo on a VERY hot day.
Pink Bench for your ass.
All pink building, oh gosh..
ALL PINK internet cafe, this is DA BOMB, 30 minutes in this, MY EYES LITERALLY HURT. Business idea fail!! FAIL! at least i hope it fails, damn.
Pink license plate, with Hello Kitty, UGH!
Pink Taxis?? WTH!
PINK TOYOTA TAXI???
Pink fashion sense?!? (quite rampant in thailand)
Pink bicycle helmet?? This is getting worse by the picture!
Oh gosh, pink atm??? GIMME A BREAK! Withdrawing money also is pinkish, i surrender, you win! Dammit! YOU WIN THIS TIME!
Posted by -L- at 7:16 PM
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Yesterday, someone took me out for lunch, trying to understand and help me, prayed, and then told me that the seed within me was wrinkled and dried up, that i need to reach out to God.
It struck me that it's been this way for a very long time.
I tried returning, and yes, it helped, the thai mission trip, it helped too, but it didn't penetrate the core. I deceived myself by thinking i was returning by going to church, having theological debates. Those helped me see God a lil, but i was too far to touch Him.
Don't understand why. Sometimes i understand why some people refused to believe in Christianity, why some of them seem so adamant bout remaining anything but a Christian. But i don't know how to tell them anymore, that that is not the way to live.
I have the knowledge, not the passion.
Everything seems like it has lost its significance.
I used to see the world as exciting and colorful, now just desert upon desert. Not to say being emotional about it or anything. It just seems that i lost purpose in life. I very well know i could and would go work, get some cash, help the needy, bless my family, go travel and what not, but in the end, i just don't see where it all fits in with the moving world.
I feel like a walking ghost amongst the world, at home, i just do what i should do, and that's it. Conversations never go beyond "Any clothes to wash?" or "had lunch yet?"
Eye contact never go beyond the surface.
Amongst others, i'm there but not there. i enjoy the company, but after nightfall, i felt nothing.
I have no motivation to penetrate into groups anymore, no joy in trying to fit in, no care if i just go and leave.
What should matter doesn't, what shouldn't does.
I lie awake sometimes wondering what am i doing.
Sometimes i think i try too hard too much, or i don't at all.
There is no constant anymore, just waves.
I wish this was an emo post and that it is a phase.
If it really is, it is a very very long phase.
Posted by -L- at 9:57 AM
Friday, May 22, 2009
Statements or comments directed to me while in Thailand (may not be quoted word for word):
"You got nice long silky hair"
"You've gained weight"
"No finding of thai wife during the trip"
"Learn how to dress up like them"
What would have been better would be:
"You are the most handsome m'sian i've ever seen"
"I wanna marry you"
"You probably taste as good as thai green curry"
"I wish you were here during songkran, wet...mmmm"
"You have more variety in you than all floating market combined"
"if you were here, tuk-tuk would be ***censored***"
Ok, with that, i probably should end, thailand, give more positive comments please! I come again soon, buck up!
Posted by -L- at 9:21 AM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Another morning another day of classes.
The Thailand self-organized mission trip (wasn't self self, more of friend herself organized, thus the self) was good, learned a lot, maybe too much.
If i could just put my mind to it, i would put up posts here and there talking about it. Just not today.
If you all didn't know already, sister had a baby.
Amazing thing was, we didn't find out till after the baby was delivered.
How could that had happened? Well, i guess you just gotta come visit the baby, buy some gifts (Seriously we just need pampers) and we will tell you this tale, of course, alternatively just direct thy questions to me, my mom or sis.
But all in all, i guess i kinda failed as a brother, why did i not noticed she had a baby for that long?
Why was i ignorant? Why was I such a dick to my sister?
So many questions, no time to turn back.
What can i say? maybe i wrapped myself in my own world and problems and i decided to interpret everything i see and hear as what i want them to be.
I never ask her anything, she never tell. Since when we ended up becoming such strangers tied with blood?
Odd, frustrated yet somewhat amusing.
Sometimes i think i really am wasting space in my family.
I don't contribute, i constantly just am around.
Something to ponder about.
2009 is becoming a fairly interesting year.
Interesting, exciting, discouraging all at the same time.
Life. Such it is.
Posted by -L- at 8:39 AM
Monday, May 18, 2009
Relationships aren't my forte.
I think i always been struggling with relationships, be it with family, friends, acquaintances or the most important - God.
And sometimes i wonder why God would wired me such way.
I hardly can get close to anyone, because i believe people will disappoint, i always think i am setting up myself for disappointment, so when i do get close to someone, i tend to have thoughts that leads me to shun the person off awhile until the friendship drops into the "just friends" zone, then i'll be normal again.
Or sometimes i create unnecessary arguments just so to prove my point that humans disappoint and this ending some friendships or destroying some.
That explains my lack of close friends.
Those who have stuck me by probably learned enough to know that i can be a douche and just deal with it, and i probably fought with them one way or another =p
With God, i am just like the Israelites, taking God for granted in good times and pursuing God in bad.
In the bible, it was considered like prostitution and cheating, so that makes me a whore?
In any case, it is worth pondering that why i am like this.
Could be my family upbringing, or my past that made me so, if only i could psychoanalyze myself as well as some of my friends do.
Well, i foresee a future where i'll one day just don't care and live life.
Till then, this will be a matter of concern.
Seeing how many failed friendships, failed girl friendships and countless countless failed God relationships i've made, i decided to stick with Lost's saying, "live together, die alone"
-Ooh? Dramatic Baby G! -
Posted by -L- at 2:01 AM
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Game plan has changed!
With the new addition and my impending graduation, stepping up is a must.
Mission trip post is coming.
I just haven't sort out stuff yet.
In the meantime, semester has not bog me down yet, so got time to think of stuff.
I guess one thing to ponder about is
seriously what am i gonna do after i grad?
Work definitely, but what else?
Fall into cliches?
Man, cliche, such a cliche word.
My nephew has brought joys to the family.
His name is Gideon, though, if you ask me, i'd like to name him something else.
why wouldn't anyone ask me for possible names??
Anyway, baby G still going hospital because of prolonged jaundice, poked his baby hands till got a number of holes to test blood, poor thing!
keep him in prayer.
And the family too.
Posted by -L- at 11:07 AM