Tuesday, December 27, 2011

She's going

...she will be gone.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Being Two-5

Being 25 is an accomplishment by itself, you've survived this far and you're at best 3 quarters away from death or at least halfway through your life!

At this point you're probably into your job for the first year, into your masters or PhD years, or looking for a job, and also figuring what the fuck is it you actually want to do for the rest of your crappy life!

No easy answers, and plenty of articles, blogs and motivational speakers would have told you how to!

Well, here is a few tips from someone who is 25:

  • Fuck peer pressure and cultural expectations (note: me is Chinese), yeap, that's right! Oh don't get me wrong, i feel the goddamned pressure every fucking day! Ok, maybe not every day like days i play board games, watch some nice movie and/or generally napping for more than 2 hours! But what i really meant was that your friends and peers and do whatever the hell they want, but you don't have to conform! Well, to put it bluntly, if you're not into the corporate world, don't jump into it because you "have" to, or "should". If it's money that's currently worrying you, do some part time jobs or take up some job that you don't mind doing while slowly figuring your way there. This makes total sense, because what you choose to do could very well be something you'll be doing for an extended period of time, and if you simply do it just because, you might be miserable. So take some time, do some odd jobs or take up some admin jobs and figure out what your strengths are and where your passion lies and what can you do best be complemented by it!
  • Peer pressure is going to mindfuck you! - Yeap, as to build upon the earlier point - being who we are, people around us tend to be our benchmarks for success in life. My friends are earning way more than i do, travelling the world now and seeing a whole lot of things while i sit down and write this stupid blog post. I feel like shit, but important thing is to not lose focus, you might take 10 years to get to where you are, but at least you're getting there, so you could lose on getting new gadgets, eating fancy food, but if you're happy with where you are heading, peer pressure can be overcome.
  • Action! - This is where most people mess up! We do not take action, we tend to like to think of hypothetical scenarios rather than experiencing them, don't get me wrong, you might end up worse off than before, but you know what? At the very least, you've tried. No "What if" looming in your minds, no "Maybe this might have happened", none of those! What's left is "Where do I go now?" You take an action to move on, you stay where you are playing safe you might just be stagnant! Well, playing safe has its merits, most important is to check your goals to see if that is the best course of action.
  • Have hope, believe in yourself - I won't kid you, some people die without even being close to their dream, but as my previous point has stated, no "What if" situations. Always believe you can do it, but always always be realistic, if you know you ain't gonna be no rock star, then maybe switch it up to something more practical! Compromises can be made as long as you're happy.
  • Brain - Yeap, use your freaking brain! God gave us brain (for those who believe in higher beings) and if we don't use them to think ahead, think through, plan and make decisions, then all my points are moot! And for you people who like to say "God will direct me", it doesn't mean you sit there waiting for shit to happen, it means you gotta just trust whatever step you're taking will be guided by God, don't sit there, move!
And that is probably half of what i intended to write, i just got lazy! But it should get some of you started off, if that is anyone willing to take advice from a struggling citizen whose dreams are as far as it could be from him.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This Period of Time

It always comes down to this period of time, where you truly sit down and think things through.

Always at one point or another, i'd think i'm doing alright, just waiting patiently to get there, waiting for my time to come, and that all i have been doing up to that point was needed in order to get to where i wanted to be.

I think it's an innate ability of any human to deceive themselves that they are justified in what they are doing.

It is a good and bad thing.

No real right or wrong.

I could sleep for hours upon hours, and yet still be tired.
Or even busy myself day after day and still feeling aimless.
I could dream of things beyond things yet still feel grounded.
And live a life that is utterly and disappointingly pointless.

I could walk and traverse this world yet be back where i once stood.
I could fly on wings of the eagle but still be stagnant and unmoved.
Wade through rivers and walk through deserts all that i could.
But end up disbelieving in all and be unloved.

How do i continuously deceive my own heart?
So that i can make it to the end of my being?
Not thinking of life's broken pieces and shards.
Not wondering about anything at all; continue deceiving.

I write and write for pages so long.
I speak and speak in poems and song.
I talk and talk to people and more.
But still feel the emptiness' sore.

I breathe.
I live.
I love.
I die.

I am me.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Man Up

People will have a lot of things to say about a lot of things, the thing is, we must filter and decide for ourselves what is right.

I've been unleashed to the working world close to 2 years now, and as previous post stated, ideals and dreams can fade.

Our mind contradicts, we think we have to work in a dead end job to provide but in return life has no meaning; we want life to have meaning but we think we can't end up with a dead end job, but we can fuse both - have a job and a meaningful life.

The problem with human cognition is that we always rationalize, not a bad thing to do but always doing it can stifle us. The other problem is that we always pre-planned our time. It's like using a credit card, we use future money to make ourselves feel good now.

The danger here is that we'll never know where the future money is coming from to pay it off. We could leave it to our future selves to figure it out, but that's just being a douche to your future self. Same with using time, we always plan to do things in the future, but when it comes we just postpone it or just say we can't do it.

That's a load of turd.

We move now, we make our own chances. No future is built by planning in the future, we should plan now for the future, not just dreaming of hypothetical futures to soothe our lack of self fulfillment now. If that is the case, no house will ever be built. We lay down the bricks to have a home, we start a revolution now to make sure we get to where we want to be.

Complacency will kill our dreams; "I will work now and travel later" - It's logical, it's rational, it seems like the right thing to do, but when the time comes, are we going to compromise and maybe skim off some of the plans and postpone it?

I may not make sense, but one thing i'm sure, we want it, we do it.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


The funny think about thinking, is that when you think about it, you often find things you don't want to think about but ended up thinking about it anyway.

At this very moment, i like to think about money, where to get them, where to find them and how in the best possible way. With this thought, i think about how else can i spend the money if i had it, and to double it.

I come up with business ideas, business models, things to do, things i'm doing currently. And it's as if i had found what i should be doing, then i went ahead and think.

Like seriously think.

Been deprived of a good night sleep recently, made me had more time to just lie there and think, much like when i was in high school or uni, where i would just spend my time on bed alone, after a good read or a good day, just lie there, staring at the ceiling, appreciating the minor light shone by the street lamp outside my house into my room to give me a bit of warmth, the dogs barking, the winds howling, and just think.

So i gave a thought yo life, and how long i've come since whence i was younger and more idealistic.

Used to just want to jump on a ship and sail away, or just take a one way ticket to some country and just walk and work. Would want to go help people every where, go on mountain hikes and cycle down a beaten path. Explore waterfalls, fly a kite, try surfing.

But now, just want to spend a few nights out at mamak, have fun, and then go home and sleep. And i would think of how to generate money, with money i can do all of those things! Then begs the question, when will it be enough so i could start doing any of the above?

I see people just taking off and having fun wherever they are, don't get me wrong, money is still a concern to them, but they are happy off doing that instead of climbing the corporate ladder.

Where am i heading? Could i be a tent maker too and just go off?

How do i reconcile my current goals with my thoughts and actions?

How to do all this?

I hope i don't spend a lifetime figuring this out.

Friday, October 07, 2011


Guess with the news of passing friends, prominent figures that's surrounding us these days, we tend to reevaluate life and priorities, just so to make sure we aren't pursuing worthless trivial things, and that we recognized mortality and it's effect.

I have came to realized how selfish i am when comes to my family, i keep appearing as someone who loves my family, but in actual fact, i use them as an excuse to stay stagnant. I do not realized how much my own parents are giving up in order to let us do what we want.

To be honest, my sister's wedding is tomorrow, and i have no part in the planning or helping out, and i felt okay, and then i hear my family complains and such, but they still do it anyway, why? I think it's because like for my mom, this is the closest she could get to having a wedding of one of her two children.

Maybe i won't get married or won't have the traditional wedding, maybe my family won't be around to attend it.

Since when i have turned to be such cynical person? I know i was judgmental, and hard to be friends with, but i never knew i was such a selfish person in a family.

Now in a unstable state of life, not sure what is next, or when the next big break is coming, just staying alive is a gift from God.

If i have to reevaluate life, i suppose i should start with what's my role in the family.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Today during sermon, i thought of something (yea, i wasn't entirely paying attention to the speaker!).

If we are Christians, and we know that our time on earth is limited, and that Jesus would return anytime, then why are we doing so many needless (in my opinion at least) things?

I can only speak for churches i've seen around here, but a lot are fixated on doing bigger things, better buildings, high-tech equipment for broadcasting sermons etc.

But to what end? If all things come to an end, then why waste so much time and effort on things such as the above?

The bulletin I got from the church i visited today mentioned in the front page that we are too focused on activities that we lose sight of what is truly needful.

By building bigger buildings, we are still excluding the poor, we welcome them of course, but in their shoes, would they think they are worthy of even trying to step in the building? The worship team is large and very talented, but how about those who has lower self esteem and those who thinks they are not good enough? Are we overlooking these people?

That being said, God blessed us with material things and money which all to use for His glory, so am not condemning the usage of the money God has willingly let us have, but more towards our internal drives/motives.

When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, a lot of things can be stripped away, a lot of our views should be aligned with Jesus'. But when we fixed our eyes on "Jesus", but the byproduct of it all is we are jolly and happy with things we can have and looking forward to have instead of be joyful and grateful with things we have and looking at the present needs then i think we truly lost sight of what being a Christian is.

I'm no saint, not a qualified preacher too, but i believe that we should focus our skills and strengths on things that are more urgent, and our focus our weaknesses to remind ourselves we need God.

I've mentioned before, the vision a friend implanted in me is still very much alive in my head: A warehouse church, just good enough chair to not break, a mic and a small set of speakers, one guitar, and fans, no air-conds, and we're good to go to have a Sunday worship.

But what happened to that vision? Those who voiced it are now doing other things, lost sight of it, or maybe have other priorities, and all we are left are talk, dreams, things that seems idealistic now.

Maybe, it's time to sit down and pray, again, and again.

Monday, September 12, 2011

To everyone.

I'm sorry for being a jerk.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Forgiveness, is one of the hardest thing to do.

What is to forgive? A lot don't realize the power of forgiveness, and even more the cost of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not free, it's paid, and more often than not it's illogical.

To forgive, it's to let go of what has happened, to truly say the person has done you wrong but let's get past this, it's not just flawed forgiveness, whereby you will bring it up, it's the forgiveness where only by grace of God may we perform it.

Those who refuses to forgive, it's not them to be blamed, our human nature motivates us to act this way, it's not right, but not entirely wrong either.

We sway, we move on.

If it doesn't work out. Then move on.

When one day, you can truly forgive, maybe it's the day you learned something precious.

Till that day, just move on.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Just candles lighting in the dark,
Shining, your time is coming up,
Dutifully doing is what it's about,
Even though time is running out.

Lighting up paths with its diminishing light,
Giving vision to those who needs it to those lost,
A small glow yet powerful when all is pitch black,
As it waste away the candle still goes on.

Just as it breathes it last,
Its time has come to past,
Surrounded by darkness' lust,
The candle bites the dust.

The candle soon to be forgotten,
But its duty never forsaken,
We are but passing candles,
Just humans jumping over hurdles.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Figuring Love

Love has been a subject for many songs, movies, dramas, motivation, fights and what not. Why is love so important?

I do not presume to be an expert in the topic of love, rather i'm figuring out still what this really is.

In the bible, it is written that there are 3 things: faith, hope and love, and that love is the greatest among them all.

I could see why, because God the Father, in His Son's worst moment decided to turn his face away from Him in order to demonstrate the greatest love of all - to let His Son die for all our sins in order to give way for sinners like us to go to God.

It is also written the there is no greater love than for a friend to lay down his life for another friend.

But outside the context of religion, love also prevails in songs, where some of it misconstrued it as sex, some of it  like a fairy tale.

But what is it really?

I wish i knew the answer, love isn't easy, it isn't easy to say it to someone because to love someone is to accept the person for who he/she is, and that is a problem to me, it is hard to accept a lot of people for who they are, same goes for others towards me, to love me is to accept me and  i know i am not easy to be loved.

The problem with love is that it can lead people to do the dumbest of things - suicide, kidnapping, rape.
This is what i label as perverted love, the love they have for one another is perverted, very much like sodom and gomorrah.

But the other end of love is when Abraham, despite all the despicable things the people were doing in those cities, pleaded with God to spare them.

Hosea, when his unfaithful wife ran off repeatedly, his love for her is so great that it overwrites all of the things she has done and still win her back.

Joseph, his love for God was so great that he was not tempted when he was seduced in order to preserve the sanctity of the lady's marriage and to preserve his body for a lover God set apart for him.

Love, so pure, so powerful.

i'm beginning to fall in love with a person, and in time i want to let her know that.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Man Of God (again)

Sometimes I'm a liar sometimes I'm a fake
sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
sometimes I'm a poet sometimes I'm a preacher
sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God

Sometimes I don't feel good
it's hard to start the day
it's hard to climb the obstacles
that sometimes come my way
if I make it, I'm a good man
am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
so I let grace prevail

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God I'm ready for the night

-Man of God, Audio Adrenaline-

I'm not the man i used to be, but can i become what God wants me to?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'll never...


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Waves of Time

The web has been flooded with stories of a recent rally, and everyone has an opinion, and by right they should. Everyone should have the right to say something, but must be a prudent reader, have some common sense to stand on the side of the fence which you think is right.

I am for the rally, anything to do with moving forward is always deemed worthy in my eyes, thought my presence was excluded that day, but my heart remains present and the cause i hold dear to me.


I had a good time in Sarawak, being at the Rainforest World Music Festival, good fun with good friends, but as all good things does, it comes to and end and hurled back to where i am before i left.

Picking up my slacks, facing trials as usual, what's the difference?

Yesterday a friend told me the gospel as it was, basic, basic instructions, principle of parsimony, simplicity at its best.

And it was refreshing, instead of the convoluted crap we have nowadays.

And he was right, faith is needed when comes to God and us, to make sense of it all would explode our brains.

And more than ever, i need faith.

Pray for me.

Would you kindly?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Thomas Gown Affair

So many weddings next few months, including my sis'

So should be fun, though the idea of hot bridesmaid is not something i look forward to nowadays.

Met a friend couple days back, and this person seemed worn out and more depressed when i last saw him a little less than a year ago.

Work has got to him.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope is important, thought Love might be the greatest among them all, but i personally think Hope works just as important and definitely not mutually exclusive.

Must always hope things will change for the better.

My friends just needs to have a bit hope that with the decision that has and going to be made will be of good towards that person.

That being said, always hope this country will turn out for the better.

Let's hope for a good year ahead.

So far, 2011 is rocking.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Peter And Mary

"There's no time for sorrow when there's no such thing as time"
-Spider-Man The Musical-

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Still of the night

In the still of the night
It's where i find isolation
Not a distraction in sight
Where it helps with thought collection

Where once it was confusing now appear clear
A resounding peace I'll obtain
The obstacles in the mind disappear
Nothing but mind rejuvenation gained

In the still of the night
It's where i encounter myself
To try to turn wrongs to right
To nurture the soul back to health

Where i express my thought
My hopes, dreams and aspirations
Of higher counsel i will sought
To hopefully derive an divine intervention

To able to end the night alone
Tis truly a magnificent feat
God listens from His throne
As i lay on my bed falling asleep

Come dawn come a new day
To live a life to call my own
To be able to truly say
I'm able to face to me whatever thrown

Friday, June 10, 2011


This week was a theme of growing up!

This week's episode of South Park was possibly horrifyingly gross (due to all the shit) but the ending was a very bittersweet ending.

Without saying much, it would seem the creators are on the verge of bidding goodbye as South Parks runs it's 15th season. That is about 15 years since it came out! I was 10 years old then!

I was also flipping through photo albums from whence i was young till about high school, a lot of hidden memories surfaced and it was good. It's funny to know how you ended up here, yet still as surprised to what you once were.

As we grow up, we build more memories, we absorb more, in the process deletes older memories.

A lot has changed.
And will continue to do so.

The thing we should keep in mind: What will i do?

Progress, don't regress.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

To The Moon

"Up" the animated movie by Pixar Films was one of their best films yet, and i'm immensely impressed by the great concept and satisfying premise which led to be one of the top films i've seen on my list.

In the first 20 minutes of the movie, i've already formed tears in my eyes as the wordless scenes unfolded before my eyes and demonstrated that life can indeed be beautiful when spending with the right person and that dreams keeps us going.

The sad part was the unfulfilled dream, and with the void left by the death of the protagonist's spouse, it was not hard to identify with the protagonist that the last thing he could do for his wife was to fulfill the dream they had when they first met. The hollowness of life can be a thorough motivator yet devastating if left alone. Thus, brings us to the crux of the story in "Up" - finding another reason to move on.

But what was the real draw for me was really the balloons, we've all dreamt that the helium inflated balloons could one day whisk us away to the unknown, to adventures beyond our imagination and to infinity and beyond!
And "Up" has used that idea to help the protagonist to fly away into a far away land.

Life's like that, I know i've been saying a lot, and a lot more words has passed through my mouth than actions did my hands, unfortunately, it's not so simple, i am a flightless creature, my balloon, i believe, are coming up, but the rate of helium being pumped in is slower than i would like it to be.

That being said, a balloon flight would be all kinds of cool. And the closest i can get for now is dream.

Not to make this all depressing, but always good to know that there are bigger things in life, and life does not end here.

Red, blue, pink and indigo,
Does all these colors take me to where i want to go?
Orange, green, white and red,
I often wonder as i lie on my bed.

Onto a magical adventure I could be,
Flying dragons, mystical creatures I'd see!
Maybe a quest to find the dungeon key,
To dispel the land from magic and sorcery!

The sun rises and soon I'm awake,
My dreams gone as easy as it was made.
Greens, whites, black and pink,
It means differently in this world I'm in.

Whisked away the time of my years,
Death subtly waiting with his quiet cheers.
Soon I'll be left with naught,
An ambition now a lingering thought.

Whose to say what went right or wrong?
Door to the grave is singing its song.
What comfort left shall I cling to?
Nothing left but a waiting fool.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Balloon Flight

It's been slightly more than 2 weeks that i was off work from my previous job.

I do enjoy this time off, to do things i really want, meet people and actually have a life. Yes, the financial worries starts to sink in right about now and is looming over my head all day long. But i still got a bit to survive on.

But that's just it isn't it? With prices hiking up but salaries remain low, cost of living goes up, no minimum wage, all short term benefits for the country to stimulate for money for themselves, to probably build more useless buildings, waste more money on things that don't really matter to others.

People who leaves M'sia gets more benefit what with tax cuts if they come back here, while the people who chose (or not) to stay behind suffers the lack of money, the full blown taxable amount.

How is this fair? I read an article, an opinion of one saying that other countries are worst off, guess what, your opinion sucks. We are not fucking living in another country, we are here, our problems are pertaining to this place. Ally McBeal once taught me "my problems isn't the biggest in the world, but they are to me because they are MY problems"

Same goes for us, we're stuck in this country, some of us may never move out, so why aren't we better taken care of? You want to cut subsidy of necessities, fine by me, give us minimum wage, a guideline on what is to be paid to us. Saying that earning about Rm2k+ in KL is enough to survive is not a solution, get off your lofty chairs and live like us for once. I'm freaking 25, and i can't afford to live anywhere, can't afford to buy a car, can't afford to invest in a good property.

Our plan was supposed to eliminate poverty by God knows when, but with your irresponsible actions, your political power play, the time you spend covering your own asses could be better spent making up better policies. But no, we're getting poorer by the way, being forced to be sucked into this thing call repetitive work, just so we can put food on the table, buy baby milk, pay more taxes.

Brain drain, and you all wonder why this is happening.

I can't anymore, i love this country, but sometimes the future is so bleak the alternative seems to be just pack and leave, you're right, maybe leaving will be worst off, but there are some testimonies that hard work pays off elsewhere, you never try you'll never know.

Ultimately, your allegiance is to your self, self-preservation comes first, so there really isn't any loyalty issue involved, if you don't take care of your people, don't expect them to stick around, same rules applies to every organization out there.

We're all scared. I am scared, of a lot of things, of life, of what i am going to do next, of whether i'll be able to do what i want to do next, of death, of people.

We have to move on. But we're scared.

I'm scared.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


2nd time I've been to church since a year ago.

Still the same. Having mixed feelings about it.

I realized I never had a buddy who stood around long enough to watch my rise and fall (and hopefully an eventual rise again). A few of them are taken away by circumstances. While some remained but are caught up in their own routine to actually listen.

Nobody's fault, I've haven't been around for a lot of people. And when people tell me I'm a good friend, I doubted it.

Eventually we all move on. And tonight was a good night. My good friend came back from overseas and was pushing the right button.

All you need sometimes is one nudge.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I was younger, maybe 18, or was it 17.

Head filled with ideals, what a perfect world should be, how we should run the world.

It was good times, albeit slightly impractical.

I remembered we'd said we build a church, using a factory lot, deprived of air conditioning and comfy seats, in exchange for just pure presence of the people to worship God. But the person who said it, has gone to marry and settled down in another country.

I remembered we'd give to the poor every now and then. But all of us forgotten and left that behind.

I remember a lot of things, things that either bear no weight now, or have been unintentionally forgotten.

But as we grew up, things like responsibilities, practicality, reality falls onto us like a crashing rain. Things we never thought would befall us befell us, and now grip us, choking the ideals out of us.

Us, maybe it's just me.

Faced with temporary unemployment, an aging body and a cynical outlook, ideals seems to be the least of my concerns.


After almost a year, i stepped back into a church, this church was a church i have not previously attended on any given Sundays, so i went, and surprise surprise, nothing's changed, not to me anyway, the people were still nice, songs were still sung.

What was i looking for? Why must it be different? So i'm different? I've changed.

I've strayed. For how far and how long? I have no answer to that.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Morally Bankrupt

With the power of the internet, a lot of people are voicing their opinions online. Whether with merit or not, the public still inevitably gets influenced by it.

I think one of the main problems (apart from all the good stuff it gave us like freedom of speech, a lil bit of transparency etc) is that we're defined by it.

Like it or not, there are just too many people in this world, we cannot be bothered to properly know each and every one before we make an evaluation on their being.

If one person keeps advocating social responsibility and what not, they'll label this person a saint, while others will also find fault with that person.

A person puts off indie music and will be judged as extremist, pretentious or having real taste in music.

With all this going on globally, it's no wonder the real crux of the problem remains hidden, like someone posting up a sad update, immediately we either say "what's up?" or think to ourselves "c'mon, not again?"

I still think nothing beats a human torch, correct, i agree, with internet, we voice out more, but remember we take our information too lightly, with one thing in mind that i've always reminded myself of is..

Information is power.

With information, you can crush or destroy, create and bless.

We should be wary of what we post, even if it merits the truth, we should always study the facts first.

That being said, a lil update on my life:

I am going to have a slight change in my life, as i venture out of desk job to a sales job.

Hoping that this is what i will find passion in before i kick in my long term plans.

Apart from that,helping a friend prepare a wedding is quite fun, the people involved are one of the more bubbly bunch and it's quite a refreshing take from the other circle of friends.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Bus Stop


Live involves a lot of waiting. Be it waiting to go to school, waiting to get off school, waiting to go to sleep after a long day. Waiting for the weekends to come, waiting for pay day, waiting for that special someone to turn up in your life.

Waiting for a miracle, waiting for the war to stop, waiting for a loved one in a bus terminal.


In between waiting, we will do something. Often small things to carry us through, to help us achieve the goals we want to achieve.

Some see waiting as an opportunity to do every thing else - travel, read a book, meet up with friends, have fun, get drunk, go pray etc. But ultimately we're waiting.

On the flip side, you have death waiting for you, waiting to rob you of your life, your last breath, your loved ones, your sight, taste, smell etc.

So what do we do before then? We would not know how long we would have to wait before death finally caves and come to knock on our doors.

The real peril would be what if we do not know that we're waiting? We think we have a lot of time - time to get promoted, time to date before marriage, time to grow old, time to do every thing else but live?

I have a friend who cannot stand waiting idly, she has to be somewhere everywhere or always getting busy.

I have a friend waiting to get married.

I have a friend waiting to get out of a job.

Every one is waiting.

I am waiting.

We're constantly on a bus that keeps dropping us so another bus will come by.

While we wait, let's wait moving forward, not looking back.

Sunday, May 01, 2011


When art thou appearing?
When will this wait end? 

Monday, April 25, 2011


I want to make prints on the sand
As i do that holding you by the hand

I want to run along the stream
Holding one another as we dream

I want to look towards the sky
And pretend to be birds so we can fly

I don't know what the future holds
I just know i'm not letting go

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


...think i have fallen
to depths of the deep seat

...know that i'm finding
a ground to stand on

...thought about it long and hard
but still i came to no conclusion

...remembered the beach and bright lit moon
the wind breeze caressing my face

...saw the boats chattering in the sea
swaying their bodies as if dancing

...received an astounding revelation
not as if it hadn't happened before

...caught a glimpse of what was in stored
a life that was less secure

...decided to take the leap of faith
and trade security with meaning

...ran a thousand miles in my head
and was happy that i did

...smiled at you but you were reading
a book that was strange to me

...thought of talking to you
but you've alluded me

...vowed no more of this
Carpe Diem my new found chant

...foresee a future after a chapter ends
one forged with hardship and fears

...grasp your hand with all my might
with worries but surely moving forward

...laughed at the sheer revelation
one that was so simple but effective

...buried the dead cut off the living
to keep only the essentials

...packed my bags bought my ticket
awaiting for my train to board

...eagerly imagined all of this
things that have not come to pass

...felt the warmth in my heart
knowing that as of now it will last

...could say more
but words fail me

...trust in the One before
and i shall trust once again

...rest my case.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Rio. what a great movie.

the thought of being a flightless bird really sums up a lot of people's lives.

we're caged. in our own mindset our own culture our own excuses.

cyclical death is what we've gotten ourselves into.

just like the source code movie taught us. don't waste a minute, don't wait.

i'm done waiting. time to fly.

time to soar and take flight.

it's time.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Where is my mind?

Let me walk this earth with you.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Jet Plane

I have dominance over the living room once again.

The ascension to becoming man of the house was not an easy one.

My dad flew off today, wished him best of luck. At least he'll be back soon.

The absence of my dad cannot be compared the the loss of another person's dad.

How fragile life is, a day's event changes the life course of others.

My condolences to you, my friend.

The sorrow i felt for you cannot be on par with the sorrow that befalls you.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Somebody's Fool

Open Documents Folder --> Click resignation letter --> Dated back then 01 March 2010


End of March.

Well, it's the deja vu kind of feeling. But nevertheless it's a step forward.
Yet. It is also a step backward.

I distinctly remember that last year around this time, i did a post on how i feel useless, and i was referring to how my dad at this age cannot take a break and still finding work and is further from the grandson he really loves.
And i was heartbroken.

But then he retired.

But due to circumstances, he has to go off again, once again probably missing his grandson's upcoming birthday.

It made me rethink a lot things in life.

A lot.

You say i bring bad culture, i say i'm bringing diversity.

You say i'm incompetent, i say your working style is inefficient.

You say good riddance, i say it's nothing personal, just business.

Monday, March 14, 2011


Tomorrow, March 15th 2011 will mark that it has been a year since i joined this working place.

A fellow colleague asked, "A year, what have we achieved?"

I could list down a lot, experience, friends I've gained and lost or in the midst of losing. The hardships, the laughter, the small doses of hope, the small doses of smile.

But the truth hits, i could never achieve more than certain people have done in a day.

A fruit seller, died and sparked revolutions.

A missionary, murdered, bred a new beginning for a tribe otherwise ignored by the world.

A woman, gave two copper coins, gave more than anyone could at that time.

Maybe it's time for the revolution of the self (you've read it here first!).

I would imagine at every point of a person's life, they will have a revolution of the self. It's the point where the realization of how short of life is meets what you hope to accomplish. Mind you, this revolution can happen multiple times, but i would imagine the first time is the most crucial. The mind is a powerful thing, when the revolution takes place, what follows is the mind consolidating the process and outcome. Which by then may already acknowledged you've paid the ultimate price and never allow that to happen.

For example, you quit a stable job because you want to help people in the poorer parts of the world. After a few years, you realized you can't do this anymore, you want back a city life, at this point, the revolution of the self may occur again, but your mind may intervene and don't allow because you paid the price and going back would mean regression, a step backward, hence you'd still be unhappy.

But the great thing about the revolution of the self, is that it's the ultimate break it or make it situation, it can take you from an unhappy state to a happy state, though there may be setbacks, as most revolution does, you'd know eventually something good will happen, but not without sacrifices.

Not without sacrifices.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Then Then Then

"come back to church, we need more young people"

"come back to church, we need more people to serve"

That is your pitch to me to try to get me back to church?

Nice try. Even a kid could come up with better things to say. I appreciate the honesty, i really do. But i guess your honesty does not come with concern of my wellbeing, or my spiritual being in that sense. And you wonder why i left in the first place?

Sunday night.

Complains resound all over the net about dreading to go to work (applicable to working people only).

Complains. But nothing is done about it.



To resist is to persist, that sometimes can be a burden.

Take down a dictator or just live a life with rules?

It's not so simple.

Yet it is.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Got enough cheese? Yes, and you too.

From the first sight of you
My heart was captured
Thought you were cool
The loneliness been murdered

When i spoke first to you
I choked at my words
Looking like a fool
My heart shrunk from a size to a third

Constantly noticing you
Constantly trying to get noticed
Ring of fire i'll jump through
Just to steal one kiss

Think you and i aren't meant to be
First i'm not type
Second am not a looker nothing to see
Now from you i want to hide

So back to sitting here doing nothing
Staring at you hoping for nothing
My heart now just became nothing
As my life returns to nothing.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Only In

The noise.

But they are good noise.

When i need an escape, i turn to sleep. To dreams.

Some days, i believe my dream was a real memory, on one hand it means i'm close to going nuts, on the other hand, well, there is no other hand.

But vivid dreams are the ones that makes me wake up stunned.

They sometimes remind me of someone i've not seen for a long time, and i contact them when i wake up.

Sometimes it comes up as some scene that would never happened in real life.

But what it never shows is the future.

Which was kind of a bummer.


The dream i appreciate most, is to have the ability to fly.

Escapism, flying, wonder if they are correlated positively?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Ode To The Family

A Short Story:

Tom drew a lighter from his pocket, his hands were shaking due to nervousness as he lit the cigarette stick that was protruding out of his mouth. As he took a few puffs and blew the smoke out casually, he wonders what would his parents think of this - smoking.

His parents would not approve. But yet, if found out, probably will dish out just a few stern warnings and that was it. So Tom continued smoking; it calms him down.

Where he was standing, it overlooked the entire town, small little droplets of rain water fell on his face, cold air stings his body. But he stood there, the cigarette stick now a third of its original length. It seems strange, as the cold was crimson red, and the people walking from afar seem to be faceless.

But he thought nothing of it.

For that moment, the world seem to be at peace. For that one moment, life is great for Tom.


Didn't realize he was now at a bridge, a bridge where it was built over a river flowing with what it seems to be like strings, millions of strings, pretending to be river water.

A girl.

Jessica. Appears. Tom takes a good look at her and concludes she is her lover.


For all the things he could do, Tom wouldn't trade this moment with her for anything else, not even to turn back time.

A leap.

Tom was plunging towards the river, while Jessica sobs and cries out his name.

The connection they have, now gone, as Tom is engulfed by the strings, still pretending to be river water.


Tom wakes up, thinking it's not a dream, but a memory of 50 years ago.


His bed he lies. Tom looks out the window, the clouds is dark and arguing with one another. One cloud started crying.

Tom sighs.

That one moment.

That one.


Friday, February 11, 2011

I feel


If i can't trust anyone, who do i have left?

Let me trust You again.

Saturday, February 05, 2011


As the eve of chinese new year was before us.

3 of us sat around the small rectangular table, a platter of food fit for ten people was laid before us.

As mother was saying grace. I took a quick glance and noticed how much my parents aged.

One became frail and wrinkled, another worn out and slowed.

Myself, grown up.

How things have changed.

The dinner did not last long, the reunion was short lived, soon left just both mother and I, talking away about how good the food was.

Mother took it upon herself to clean everything up, and all i could do was thank her and watched as she packs things one by one away, returning to the life before the reunion dinner.

Her worn out eyes has seen a lot in life, and yet, a lot of things in life eludes her.

The bigger things she longs to enjoy may not come to her in this life, so she is happy with the little things - movies to watch, presence of grandson, the chatter among family members, gardening and current time gadgets that sometimes are beyond her comprehension.

This is the life of mother, a woman who had ambitious dreams when she graduated from high school, who found disappointment when her conservative mother forbade her to further her studies overseas in fear of her never returning to her homeland.

A woman who could have been successful in every aspect of life, unwillingly remained behind, working jobs after jobs, until she was married.

Bore two child, raised them up almost singlehandedly as her husband strove outside to make ends meet.

In a blink of an eye, 27 years has passed since then. Still trying to stretch the dollar. Still raising her kids even though they had already grown up.

The money she saved always ends up for the family, all those longing for travelling seems to disappear as time goes by.

Who knows how long will this continue? Who is to say that the mold cannot be broken?

A few things came across my mind: is she happy? Could at any point did she wish she could turn back time and start over?

As the clock struck midnight, subtly indicating the new year has dawn upon us, she opened the wooden door to my room, as i was holding my guitar, sitting on my bed, i noticed her eyes again, the little satisfaction that she was still able to give me a red packet, containing money which i do not need from her anymore. Money that i was supposed to give her and not take. She lied. She said that the two red packets are from her and father. But i know that the money was from her, and she is preserving what is left of a tradition which she is so accustomed to. I smiled and accepted, knowing that refusal would mean disrespect.

Thus begins a new year, a chinese one at that.

I kept the red packets aside, knowing that i will probably not use it.

What used to be a source of money for the new year has now been relegated to be a symbolic gesture, one that so few understand about.

This year, i am glad that it is unlike any other chinese new year.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Nomadic Hypocrites

Just when hope needed to appear.

It did.

Regarding the friend's dad in my previous post, the dad is now awake, and most likely on the road to recovery,





It's not that serious as those articles you read when you Google it. But i realized i do have a form of it.

Basically i try to help anyone (whom i am bothered about) in whatever possible way i can. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't.

Not sure is it stemmed from my name or not, but it is a peculiar thing to have.

Maybe i dislike seeing people lagging behind me or suffer, i rather if they were on par with me or ahead.

But it sickens me, to see how society and their self made rules ruin people's lives.
Rules and laws are meant to benefit the people, not making them mindless slaves.

It sickens me. Deep within. To be confined to unreasonable expectations of others, when our full potential are on a leash.

It's unfortunate, and sometimes required.

How sick and twisted this world is.

If i sound like i am making myself to be a messiah, i'm not.

I just jacked out of this "matrix"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Mime emiM

The theme of today is hope.

What is hope, a politician two years back used hope as his main slogan in his campaign.


A powerful word indeed. With that word, he became a president, but through hope alone isn't enough, it must inspire.

As i watched Adventureland, there is a sense of hope in which the story's characters are driven by.
A tiny bit, but it's there.

As my friend's dad lies in the hospital, hope seems to be fleeting, but without it, the will to carry on would vanish with it as well.

A friend working overseas or out of state, hopeful to make it big, earn a decent living to have a comfortable life no matter how fucked up things are right now.

A hopeful dreamer, still dreaming about days where it'll work out for him as long as he tries.

Unfortunately, hope must be paid with effort and mindset.

One who does not try does not yield, or worse, does not know.

So for what it's worth, it's going to be a rocky year, but there is still hope.

For everyone tonight who needs hope, i hope for whatever or whoever they believe in, in their sleep they will find solace, even if only for a few hours.

Rule #32

Enjoy the little things.

2011 was supposed to be an all ass kicking year.

So far has not been anywhere near it and January already coming to an end.

Maybe an exit plan is very much needed.

Enjoy the little things.

I've loathed the fact that every time i see something bad happened, i would go into rant mode and just rant.
Newspapers filled with news that really just brings the world down.
Age versus Meaningful Achievement


Enjoy the little things.

A small truth i found when watching Zombieland.

The innocent smile of a child.

The bat of eye from a person you like towards you.

The slip of tongue a friend made.

The quiet drives during the night alone.

The nights of silence.

The couple peacefully sitting together on the LRT.

A bottle of water after playing basketball.

The thought of someone.

That one song you hum but couldn't figure out who was the singer.

Enjoy the little things.

Some little things are worth living for.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Basic Space

How far have i fallen if i feel like an atheist?
How far will i go to condemn others?
How far will i go?
How far,will i?
How far?

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Path One

A year ago, death haunted my surroundings.

A friend committed suicide, a friend died in an accident.

A year ago, someone broke my heart and took a piece of me.

1 year ago, education ended and the fear of where to go and what to do found me again.

Yet the sense of adventure and new found passion to do different things came alive.

That very same moment a year ago, i sold my soul to a company, a self declared contract of one year.

How 1 year can make a difference, how 365 days can change a man (or woman).

Where am i now a year later?

Comfortable with not being a burden to the family. Passion to work and travel has diminished a little.

But still here, still the same.

But alas, this year started off with a marriage announcement, it started a chain of reactions that i think is forthcoming.

It was backed up by good friend coming back from other country. Supported by a good bunch of friends from different walks of life.

So how is this year going to not suck?

Give me a year.

I'll write about it.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011


It's not picking yourself up that is hard

Or not thinking about it

It's forgiveness.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Glass Looking

Hence begin a new year.

It's clearly etched into my mind how 2010 went. So much so it burns.

Nothing went as planned.

But I've gained a lot.

Especially perspectives.

But all in all, a dip into the corporate sector and i feel how it taints, how it grows on you and slowly try to draw you to the deep end of the lake.

How are we going to be different than the mindless slaves justifying their cause when their cause is nothing more than actually just to serve to fill the fat cats with more money?

In Q3 of 2010, i lost my passion and dream, slowly dwindled with discouraging words from people, and pessimistic thoughts. The only thing kept me going was nothing.

Being nothing is as if showing God the finger. And no one shows the God Father the finger.

But here's hoping the year ahead is better.

I need to try.

I don't have a lot going for me, i was thinking of writing about how imperfect my family was. How i can be so tolerant of friends that don't understand me, how i waste my life sleeping it away.

I could.

Easy to blame.

Not easy to do something about it.

I've been saying a lot of things to alot of people about what i want to do.

Time to make it happen.

If not i'll admit defeat and jack myself into the matrix.