Monday, December 27, 2010

Sally

I like Christmas at the core.

People say giving is truly receiving, i beg to differ.

Receiving is a validation of existence and appreciation by a lot of people.

That being said, in this world, there are a lot of people who are lacking in validation.

Easy to say we don't need validation, but to some extent we do.

So to those who have been kind to me.

Thanks. Appreciate it. Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Trickle

It's like no one thinks anymore.

Everyone became just a side taker.

An opinion is form, another against it.

Each side will have its supporters, but not critical thinkers, just follow what is right to them.

Idiots.

But we need people like this, too much thinkers and nothing gets done. Too many followers and we'll have a mess.

That is life, balance.

But there isn't one is there?

This world is full of shit you read in newspapers. So full of crap you just want to wish it away.

But to survive doesn't mean to compromise or betray yourself.

To survive is to know your priorities.

To live is to learn.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Flashes

I accidentally opened a folder
Saw a set of pictures
The past weight appeared on my shoulders
The flash of my life featured

I saw what happened 3 years ago
How i ended up here
The worst of the reflection shows
The hideous part of my fears

Bury the hands that touched you
Bury the legs that walked with you
Sew the lips that spoke words to you
Blind the eyes that belongs to a fool

Leave the dead alone
Throw away the keys
Your sins i will not atone
Whispered the withered trees

I've clicked the red box with the X
Shut away the past
Refrain from giving you a text
The emotions away i thrust

If you shall chance upon this
Know that I've shed enough tears
After all, at the very least
Know that you have the best of my years.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Star Bright

Some of the years during Christmas, we'd put up a tree, a fake one, but nevertheless a tree, we'll decorate it with cheap flickering LED lights. Put a star on the top. Presents below.

It was like in the story books, or those you see in the television.

Sometimes i would just sit in the living room staring at it, thinking it's all good. Life was good.

It wasn't a family tradition, it's not every year we have a tree, could be we forgot about it, or we don't care enough to put it, or simply no money.

Life was alright, with or without the tree.

This year, i came back home two days ago, and saw this mini Christmas tree my family has put up, with lights and small present. All of it sitting on top of a coffee table.

But something isn't right, or wasn't normal.

Life.

We've changed. Time has not been so merciful upon us after all. What a pity.

Pity indeed.

It used to be the world was safe, i could run back to my mom and everything will be normal.
Didn't care where money came from. Didn't care if there was going to be a celebration.

Just like to be home, in my cozy room.

But now, work beckons, we've got extra family members, the need to be out with others to enjoy so to not to waste a good weekend.

It seems to have been reversed.

My aging parents are now older, more fragile, less energetic, retired.
While i am taking over the role to help provide for the money.
The world is more hostile than before.
Dreams slowly fading with the passing of time.

The tree seems smaller now, the room not as cozy as before.

Used to be innocent carols, laughter and food.

Now cynical, manipulative and silly.

The friends i once knew disapproved of the changes.

The other friends i know became another entity.

All that really left is still this tree.
And sadly, i've realized how much i've distanced myself from everything everyone. Living in a shell pretending to know where i am going or what i am doing, but all i really am, is shit scared inside.

I should put out my share and put some presents under the tree.

I sat there watching these lights,
Thinking, pondering, contemplating, sighing,
I came upon a conclusion,
I am still but a child.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Divine Disappointment

I don't know why i am still thinking about God.

Thought i had put that behind me.

But i didn't.

And that's the problem, you're torn in between living a life you want and trying to reconcile with the one you think God wants for you.

So far, it's pretty good living like you couldn't care less about God. And you resent Christians who try to be preachy.
There is a guy who mistreated up till early this year, who has the nerves to come up to me and preach me, via book face, or whatever!

Who the hell is he to preach to me about God when all i did was trying to be nice to him and he treated me like i was a leper (granted, friends do refer to me as a leper)??

The frustration.

In the end of this blogpost, i do think God is necessary, even if atheist or others think that it is a figure so we can have hope.

I digress... right about now.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Waves

I fell sick today.
Fever and what not.
Felt like crap.
Slept the whole day.
Missed out on paid activities.

In my sleep, i have weird dreams. But one recurring one is always a group of friends keep abandoning me.

You can say i have abandonment issues.

Or you can say i am turning into a super villain.

I can exact my revenge on people who've wronged me.

I could.

But i probably wouldn't.

We're all messed up in some ways.

I rather use and incorporate into a comedy routine.

Christmas is near.

A friend said "don't you feel it? end of the year you just wanna have a girl friend and spend christmas with"

i said "no"



Friday, December 03, 2010

Unicycle

Don't you know the sun it's shining for you
the earth is turning just as you do
my heart will always be for you everlong

the steps you take the flowers it will follow
the words you say to the heart it pierces through
the gaze you gave is engrave deep within in me
deep within in me

so i surely will be there 
forever where you are
wish upon a star
that we will go far

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Err

For the first time in a long time, i spent the weekend at home, mostly to myself, not stepping out of the house.
It was easy to do because family was away, friends were either working or busy.

The morning was great - caught up on some tv shows, light reading and casual surfing.

The afternoon was more of nailing some things which people consider a waste of time down like gaming and napping.

Nights were the best, the cool air visited, rain fell and lights were dimmed, chose to turn in early (usually i push till my last ounce of strength before i collapse and sleep) and i could hear my thoughts running wildly, putting thoughts into perspectives, string of words into coherent sentences, pictures into portraits of stories.

This was what i missed.

During schooldays, that was what i used to do. And i think at that point i was more clear minded.

Now, cynical, aging, quick to pass judgment, lost, confused.

At least not pretentious?

At least not pretentious.

Sometimes the only thing that kills me is the eyes of the woman who bore me for nine months.

That stare of disappointment, the gaze of what she hopes of me but i refuse to comply.

It's raining now.

It's fucking raining now.

And i like.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Fool Me

Some people are fooled by things they see on the telly and they hold it true to their heart.

One such thing: The One.

It is not Neo from the Matrix, but about the one Girl you have to marry in your life.

Either way, both also aren't realistic as scriptwriters portrays them to be.

The problem about the one is that we tend to have this idea of what our ideal partner should be, this is where our downfall begins:

There is an impossible standard set, look, this is what i want in a girl


  • rocker chick who can dish out mean riffs on a guitar
  • a gamer
  • can talk shit with
  • doesn't mind dating at mamaks all the time
  • likes just chilling and doing nothing, even if it means sitting in silence
but we all don't get what we want, you can't have the god damn cake!

If you do find someone who fits the criteria, i think she is a ROBOT! RUN!




Saturday, November 06, 2010

WIP

lately i've been thinking
about all the things that we've
seen through the eyes of a
man with the blue eyes
and realized that we are all falling down

The moon in the sky and the
sandcastles that lie on the beach
the only thing left that is missing is
you and me looking over the sea without a thought or a sound

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found
we are all falling down

we've been deceived by the curtain of this world
and we've been led to believe the stories have all been told

we've been waiting for a water fall that can't be found
we are all falling down
We are all drowning out
will you stay here with me?

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Faint

A story about a man
Who got disenchanted with religion
He started questioning all that he can
Taking it down was his mission

He tore away his ties with friends
Said things that couldn't be taken back
A broken relationship he wouldn't mend
Darkness in his mind hacked

It's been almost 10 years or was it 7?
That you walked away in the land of rising sun
I guess i couldn't understand then
Why you choose to hide, you choose to run

I now finally got it
Eyes opened and understood
Everything you said you to the heart it hit
Now if i only could

Tell you that i understood.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Islander

The breeze paid a visit during dinner earlier today, it brought back a not so distant memory of a place where time seems to be still, a land in the world of its own, where worries of the world is far away.

The breeze that lifted all burdens from the shoulder just for that one moment.

A cold bottle of beer, good company and the sand accompanying your feet.

Unnecessary fire fighting to be the brightest with the full moon. The sound of serenity filled the air.

I have a newfound love. My secret mistress. That awakened pleasure.

A man who does not work shall not eat.

Those words rang true.If it weren't for the work and experience of the year, i don't think i would have came this far.

A good friend told me the time shall come, and i trust her.

I will wait.

Life may not be like the movies, but it sure is hell not going to stop me from using my imagination to run it.

Tonight, the wind carried a message
A long lost scribbles, a torn book page
To free myself from this cage
To be my very own sage

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fare

It takes a whole lot of courage to deal with changes; death, marriage, birth, break ups etc.

It also takes a whole lot of courage to remain the same. Same life, same mindset, same expectations.

That's where you'll see a gap between change and staying the same. What is between that gap is choice.

And i choose to make that choice to change.

It is only logical, to change that is, to make a leap forward.

On one hand, remaining the same is to be consistent and stable, on the other, to admit defeat and just live life without trying to be different.

It's a double sided coin situation. You are what you think.

I want to believe my actions makes a difference.

That the hand that could cause so much destruction can be used to love.

The mouth to curse to be used to encourage.

The feet that trudge through blood to help move someone to another place.

The eyes that sins to be used to admire the beautiful creations of the world.

In all the fires all the rain
The wailing of the martyred Saints
The emotional baggages on our train
It's the smile that carries us through our pain

Monday, October 18, 2010

On a different note

... i do want to love. Fear grips me.

"The end of fear is where love begins" - Goo Goo Dolls.

Paper Planes

This week was a handful.

Went for report presentation which said report was written by me.

Presented to client by director.

I was contented, i could see my hard work paying off.

I was happy, i could do this forever.

Life seems to be taking a turn, maybe working here isn't such a bad thing after all.

It's a lie.

---

I thought about it long and hard. To really comprehend what was going on, i took couple hours to think about it.
And i am not sure why i treasure the human interaction so much, it affects me. I had to leave for band practice, but i felt myself striving hard to pry myself away from my office because i wanted to stay to talk.

It didn't make any sense.

---

It was good, we played our best tonight for a talent search competition.

Though the weather kept me weak in my head, but the sense of achievement (however significant or not) kept me going on. Made a couple of new friends.

Secretly i hope we make it to the finals, realistically i don't think i am there yet to even play at the finals.

---

Watched a movie.

I love the creativity used in the movie.
It struck me midway, i want to do stuff like this.

I cannot, i am not happy at work, not the job, not the people, generally just being useless, doing things that don't seem to have any real contribution.

How could i be blinded by pseudo achievements? Writing a report to help someone sell more products, what good would that do?

Writing music, hiking mountains, writing a play a movie, sipping coffee in an unknown town.
That's what makes me want to live.

Money.

Shit. You're right, people have been telling me i need money for all those stuff. I should focus on making myself financially free, stable, i should invest my life in 3-5 years of hardwork of some program that could make me set for life.

I am tempted, i am persuaded.

But i can't help to think that isn't that the same as working?

Someone told me it's working 10 hours a week for 3 years compared to 9-5 job for 30 years.
Agreed.
But no thanks.

I feel the need for something more.

If i die not doing that. Then yea, fuck my life.

But i will die trying.

For now, i keep myself going by seeing my nephew growing up, happy i have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, good friends to keep me going on, and a dream that will never die.

You ask me if i a happy?
Yes i am.

"I'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one" - John Lennon



Sunday, October 03, 2010

Runaways

As i watched there all the kids with their parents, i think that there is hope for the nation.
-
The past weekend i spent a lot of time with myself, then i spent some time trying to understand other people, and i just got more confused in the end.
-
The lushes of green, the oceans waves hitting the rocks and making a thunderous sound, the smell of salt carried by the winds, i think i could die happy there.
-
Everywhere i look, every small thing reminds me of you, but, the truth is, it just a chapter i wish to burn.
-
i wrote poems for you, sing songs for you, make a fool of myself for you, only to have other reap the harvest
-
It's like a comedian, making people happy, but who knows if he is the one that wants to be happy?
-
I'd fly a plane just to reach to you.


fly the ocean in a silver plane 
see the jungle when it's wet with rain 
just remember till you're home again -
you belong to me 
You belong to me cover, Jason Wade

Monday, September 27, 2010

Linger

In the silent of the night
You took off in your flight
To achieve your dreams
Let joy now be your theme

Nothing is quite at it seems
Nothing is as what it means
One day a man will leave his home
In this world to establish his throne

The mountain and the seas
The sunsets and the trees
The moon and the stars
The earth and its scars

The man and his wife
The birth of a new life
The death and the sorrow
The uncertainty of tomorrow

The life after earth
The forever and its turf
The end and the origin
The Truth that lies within

The patience and the wait
The things left unsaid
The wants and the needs
The desire within breeds

The broken the pieces
The hits and misses
The fragility of the heart
The end of a start

All.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Once

It was hot, skin was irritated, the weather would have take my life if it could.

But i wasn't complaining.

I wasn't unhappy.

In fact i was so proud of myself.

It would had been a normal Sunday, save that earlier in the week. Received a message in fb; an invitation to a Raya open house from a high school ex classmate (whom i have not seen for a really long time)! My immediate thoughts were "Yea! Rendang! FOOD!"

But as the day drew closer, as always, i will be reluctant to go, because i know i will be tired and Sunday is before Monday, meaning i rather stay home and chill than to go someplace i'm not too sure about, potentially turning into a disaster and the next day have to go to work.

Then i had an interesting conversation with a friend.

I told him i got invited to the house and was lazy to go.
He stopped me right there and reminded me what we've talked about some time back.

=======================

I've never really seen eye to eye with this whole racial thing going on in our country. Sometimes i disagree with Christians who say we must get involved and keep invoking the Christian word.

I don't see how is that going to help. You're a citizen of Malaysia regardless of religion and race.
The more you emphasize the more people are just going to find things to dispute with you.
Case in point: 1Malaysia

People been attacking it, been saying a lot of terrible stuff. Then there are some who advocates it and said it was present since the day Malaysia was born.

But the whole point is, we are here now in this country, talking shit, posting news link on Facebook is not going to help.

I really really disagree with people posting links and notes on Facebook and then comment under it saying how bad our country is.
Even if i do agree, what are you going to do about it? Nothing! You just want to create awareness, fine, but don't speak something malicious or accusatory towards it. You're not helping, you're fueling hatred.
Other than that, you just go about your every day, how is that helping?

We have the luxury of being in another religion and have some form of choice, but they don't. You're born with it, you're stuck with it, that's what is imprinted in their minds since they were infants. We automatically segregate ourselves from them.

Honestly, think about it, how many Malay friends do you have and keep contact with, my guess is most of us don't, me included, if you have good for you.

People fear of the unknown, hence we keep pushing what we feel is "right" in their face without love is just going to make them retreat further into their own world.
Where is the love?


=======================

My friend and i talked about how we should never abandon them.
If there is a chance to reconnect go for it, show them we do care, show them we bleed just like they bleed.
And most of all, they are friends, regardless of everything.

I was then determined to attend the open house despite my own heart's protest.
I checked the message again, asked for the address, find a friend who was going to go with me.
Checked the invite list, i was the only chinese from my own class. How honored i was (well mostly because i am a bit more apparent on fb :p )

And though it was awkward, because i did not have much contact with them since high school, but i did managed to reconnect with a couple of them and at least was there when they cared to ask me to be.

I am not playing the holier-than-thou card.

I am saying action speaks louder than words.


-Happy Malaysia Day-

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Everything


The cold air breathes through the sky
Hours from now the sun will be set on high
The small time frame of peace and quietness
Is an asylum for those whose mind is restless

For depths of conversations are explored
And bridges of thoughts often restored
The silence of night brought forth memories
Of which with time it carries

Stripped off the walls of distraction
To eyes revealed now the deception
Of the world filled with lies and fears
In the night it all becomes clear

Silent chuckle as the thought arises
That the still of the night comes with surprises
Friendship built friendship burned
Contrast to the day the world is turned

Night feels like the brightest hour
In day ourselves we often cower
Absence of the burning ball we often find
A true sense of ourselves a true peace of mind

I remember thee a friend in the past
Inhibitions lowered to one another we easily trust
It became more than just a distant memory
It transcended barriers and made history

Imprinted in the drawer of the heart
Locked with the key away I tucked
As the night falls apart
To slumber I go to anticipate a fresh start

"And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you" 
-Everything-
-Lifehouse-

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Boulevard

I think i am like intentionally.

Playing the game when it really isn't.

They all moved on, i should too :\

She moved on. Time for me to stop moping and start coping.

A door closes doesn't mean another will be opened.

Guess gotta find that window of opportunity.


"Just this once, just for now, just like that, it's over." - Belle of the Boulevard, Dashboard Confessionals

Monday, September 13, 2010

Tainted


Recently played in an open mic with good friends and bandmates (We're called Two Wongs Don't Make A Wright) at The Bee, Jaya One.

Nervous, really was shaking. A lot of good performers up there, doing originals, and here we are, doing two covers one original from my frontman. I wasn't prepared, i know i sucked at stage performing.
But we did it. I think we did alright. It wasn't great as the ones before us, and trust me, the ones before us are actually good.

I felt at that moment, something in me lit up. A sense of excitement.

I've been following a friend's tumblr (blog). And he wrote on his experiences in Germany, i am envious of him, i want to be there, the things he do there or find there is what i am looking for.

That new found sense of excitement, it made me believe i can still be something i want to be, do something i want to do for so long.

I know i've been a whiny bitch for the last 20 posts. I blamed it on work, but it really is just me, isn't it?

If i don't like how i live my life right now, let me build my own wings and fly.
Life ain't gonna give me a pair of  wings and whisk me away to a faraway land.
No, that is naive, i want things changed i will have to get my hands dirty.

I want my friends to understand, i will make the effort.

I want to be happy, i have to work for it.

I know i ain't such a good follower of God anymore, but i don't want to lose sight of Him.

This new found excitement, has to be searched everyday, the purpose of living, is not this, this is not the end.
It's just the beginning.

tainted
has our love gone cold
in a place that's bitter and broken
we tasted of a world I know
surely there must be something better
something forever

hello
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

walking
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing
you'll find me standing in the night
the stars never seem so unending
so unending 

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

we painted
whitewashed everything
when all that remains are
shadows of the stains
tell me
where did we go wrong
can we just move on

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
when I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

hello
to the world below
while I'm watching the world spinning
this night seems so unending
well I'll follow
to a place I know
that's only the beginning
start over after ending


-The Beginning, Lifehouse-

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Cranberries


I just got up from an almost infinite loop of dream.

I kept dreaming i was dreaming and struggled to wake up.

I was in a deep sleep phase.

But i was conscious in my dreams and even in my dreams that i was dreaming that i was dreaming.

It was scary, and the fear of never waking up came across my mind.

I realized, things in the movies such as this not so cool in real life.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Disclaimer

I know whoever my readers are, they will read the post just below this one and then say they know who i am referring to, i will tell you now, it is based on my opinions but not referring to anyone in particular. I hate to have people talking behind my back and accusing me of things that i don't like.

If you feel deeply offended by what i've written, and you would like to argue, maybe take a minute of two to think why were you offended, could it actually be that you are trying to defend yourself?
Think about that, then come confront me, i will gladly hear you out with an open mind. I promise.

Road Taken

It comes to mind the poem "The Road Less Taken" whenever i sit to think what have i done to my own journey.

But it isn't easy to take the road that people travels least on, because we're conditioned to do the popular, to conform. When we think we can easily not conform, we'd find ourselves just being alone, cast away by others.

The feeling of being not included can be quite a bitch sometimes.

But the comfort of it all, is knowing you have friends sticking by you. As we walk in life, most of our friends will drop out from our life, but that does not mean they were wrong or are to be blamed for. It is just they had to go another way which might be parallel to yours but just at a different area.

What i find sad is, that people you've know the longest of time, start to wither away, then when you try to find them, others close to him/her will say "it's a pity". People you expected less of then becomes the torch bearer and light your way.

Sad.

A person who throws away a noble decision and calling for the exchange of monetary glory is despised by me.
Call it what you want. When a person ditches a long time vision for the sake of man made paper, you lose all forms of respect from me. Go ahead, justify, i bet i can do better by presenting to you hard facts to tell you why i  disagree.

The worst of them all, is those you think are walking with you, and they are, but there is no conversation going on, just the usual "hi" and "bye", the occasional meet ups to acknowledged that you are still friends with another, and to throw in a couple of deep insights to maintain "closeness" yet to be distanced from one another.
The one that breaks your heart, that makes you feel like you rather be in hell, the one that should have been there for you but did not, should have listened but offered a deaf ear, the one that will say "You have changed" but never took time to understand.

The one that is capable of breaking you down.
The one that kills you with their silence.

Those are the ones... the ones that should stop quoting God and say they believe in Him when the people around them suffers in agony but was turned away.

You, my friend, should really think of what you've done to everyone with your non-doings. 
A lethal weapon.

I am tired.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Mean Green

I am unstoppable.

I will not be stopped.

I will move on.

Breaking through.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Walking On Twos

53.

Seems like such a big number but yet didn't come far from whence we started off.

I never want to leave.

I get all worked up when i hear people just condemning the country but not lifting a finger to do anything.
How are we any different from the pharisees?
Or the Big Brother from the Prodigal Son? Someone told me that back in those days, the big brother is responsible for the younger siblings, when the prodigal son took off, the big brother just stood and watched, while trying to please the father to get the inheritance and favor.

It is easy to sit aside and do nothing, but to do something, though painful and will be hated for, might be worth something.

When young people want to migrate and say this country is hopeless, i would argue to death about why i disagree.
I just don't understand.

My body wants to leave this country to see places, but my heart will alway remain here, where it belongs, where God puts it.

If i truly love my God, i would stay in this country unless told otherwise.

Though it saddens me to see how this nation has derailed since independence, but sincerely,

Happy Merdeka Day.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Heathen

Good friends are hard to come by
Good friends who stand by you are harder to come by
But the rarest of them all
Are friends who can be raw and says "you're the friend who will never say such things to me"

Thank you.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

AirWolf

After such a long time, i finally had a dream about you, and it was pleasant, it would have seemed to be that life rewound itself, and i found myself once again in your company, laughing, watching you smile, and making you laugh.

The feeling of being invincible, that life was at my grasps, as i wielded it as if i have total control over it.

The long ride have no end, the wind in my face, the rain washing away what i call my old self, i was happy, young, vibrant, hopeful, ever joyful.

The feeling of holding your hands the first time, as if it happened just last night, the thought of knowing how much you went just so we could meet, the gaze i want to have upon you just so i can start and end my day with a smile, the teasing of one another, the act of childishness.

All, bundled up in a 2 hour sleep.

Until i woke up, until i remembered you were gone.

I was left here.

Shattered, broken, afraid to love anymore, afraid of doing anything remotely exciting.

Mundane was me, with a heavy heart i bid thee farewell in silence, for you would never hear it, nor would you ever read it.

I sat alone, in my room, on my bed, drowning in my own thoughts and wants to call you, to hear you again, but nothing has changed.

A peaceful Sunday, it ends.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Waiting Room

"Live Together, Die Alone"
A saying brought to my attention by Lost.

No matter how much a person say they want to live alone, i believe it is hard to stay absolutely alone, at some point we always want company.

That begs me to question: Why are some people good and some are bad at it?

Those who aren't well verse in the arts of making friends or maintaining them has been driven to loneliness, depression and other activities that may suck their life away.

As humans, we are bastards as well, we want company but we want to choose our company, and that's why a whole lot of people are just simply - alone.

I used to think that i should lay it all out there in front me, and whoever can accept me for just who i am and i for who they are, then we would be friends, but i find that a lot of people just don't want to see other people's true self, we're so quick to label "emo", "weird", "desperate" on those who just want to be themselves.

So easy to look upon someone who dresses oddly and say "hey look at 'im, he probably wants attention, that poor asshole"
But what if he just really likes to be that way?

I find it hard, i admit we need to at least filter, but when i lay it all out there, there are a lot of rejections, and when i confront them, they just shrug it away saying i am sensitive or that it's all in my head and ask me to stop being whatever i was.

Point made.

In the working world, yea, i want to be all awesome and cool, but the fact is i'm tired (not always) and sometimes i just look miserable, the whole eczema thing isn't helping either.

It just seems harder to get on these days, what with my plans is indefinitely on hold, i can't figure out who to be when i'm out there, whenever i am down, the only thing people can say "Jesus loves you" and stuff.

Well, i know Jesus loves me, the only reason i am still like that is because i still have hope in Jesus.

But please, stop pushing Jesus into my face as if HE is yours to give.

Live Together, Die Alone.

When i find that someone to live with, i think dying is not such a scary thought after all.

"They all believe there's someone watching over you
They're watching every single thing you say
And when you die 
They'll set you down and take you through
They'll realise one day
That the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side
We all try hard to live our lives in harmony
For fear of falling swiftly overboard
But life is both a major and minor key
Just open up the chord
But the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side"
- Travis, Side-

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tri Lights

The person in the mirror never talks back
Never looks at you any different than how you view your self.
But the person in the mirror does show you who you are.
And that, is sometimes the scariest thing to see.

The winds
They sweep through the lands
but never stay
Never stop to chatter

Life is but a thread
Vulnerable, easily disposed of
Life
If i'm not your bitch
then you are mine.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Black Eye That Speaks

It was a sweet escape.

Somewhere far, somewhere isolated, somewhere where i can be me.

Good company helps too.

Myanmar, a place of oddity and poverty at the same time. This is one trip that might be hard to forget.
It's not the part where the military controlled the country, or the fact that people there seemed to be so chilled or even the fact that it's full of history and colonial buildings that resembles the past and stood once in glory but now a rotting relic.

It's just a trip that once you put behind things like responsibilities, obligations and selfish ambitions, you see everyone as they are.

Old eyes, patched faces, children on the street begging, cut off from most of the world, barely surviving.

I don't feel pity or sorry for them, no, why would i? Rather, this is their life, and though we would think they may be unhappy, they could have more, but maybe they are just happy.

Flip.

Benches along the lake all occupied, lovers cuddle openly with an umbrella as a form of privacy statement, street football.

It is funny the world is physically huge but it is small at the same time.

I miss.

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
-Lifehouse-

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Poppy Cock

It's August
Yes Captain Obvious
Why won't it rain?

It's hard to find a decent conversation to invest in. I had it a few nights back.

Who knew one incident could lead to so much happenings? Who knew that the mask i put on would be misleading? Who fucking knew?

(insert LOL)

I find it hard to be in the corporate sector, hard to adapt, i wasn't well at adapting anyway, feel like hard to connect with people.
We end up talking the same shit, day after day, how sucky our day was, how bad the job is.
We make no improvements.

Come, challenge me into a debate, a fist fight, my thanatos instinct is kicked into high drive mode.

The point is, no one truly just want to talk, or listen.

We all like noise, we make loads of them, but never words, words that means something.

When we do get into something meaningful, people are easily agitated, no one wants to sit and converse, it always has to be my way or the highway.

I miss my talking buddies, over the years,some just left, some thinks i've changed, some just have focus somewhere.

Hey, what's up?
You're here
That's cool

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Weaver

I met you, you were as i remembered: skinny jeans, blue top, black rimmed spectacles, hair long and bewildering, eyes that burn through the eyes of those who meets it, smile that is infectious.

It was wild, we were in a parking lot, late at night, as i wrestled with the thought of survival, you clasped my hand, pulled me towards you, as suddenly a group passed us by.

In a blink of eye, you were taken away from me and you screamed, but oddly, i couldn't make out the words, i see waves of sound, but the words did not formed.

I tried hard to get you back.

Then i woke up.

I saw you outside of my dream, and you did not remember a single thing, how could you not?
But then, how could you have?

What i experienced in the dream, is not what you have experienced.

I, just sit there, watching you, watching the time you did not remember anything from my dream.
And my world turned grey.

I woke up.

Driving aimlessly to where i don't know
On the road the wheels spin
The rain washing everything anew
The radio drowning the silence away
Driving, the end you do not know where
You've got a feeling it's all going to work out
And so, the key leaves the ignition
Saving up for another drive
A drive that would one day get you to where you want to go
Maybe then, you can tuck it away
And finally say "i'm here"

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's you isn't it?
Stop.
Just stop,

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Pumpkin

Something about the wee hours of the morning that makes people be more genuine, could be the tiredness from the previous day, or generally calmed and relax, hence lower their defenses.

I missed the days where we could just chat from 12 to 3, 2 -5.

Now, all I ever do, is think of "what if"

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Inane

Ideals often are regarded as a fool's dream. Often labeled as unrealistic.
But without them, we may just subject ourselves to conformity and is as good as giving your freedom away.

We chase money, and never has money chase us, money is a bitch.

But if you take a step back, people without money can be equally as happy, then why do we still crave for it so much? Is it because the stuff money can be exchanged for is so tempting that we cannot be grateful?

Is the sweeper by the road unhappy? Or the tea lady at your company miserable?
I have no idea, but one thing is for sure, if one cannot live in the moment with what they have, i'm sure they cannot live in the future when they have a lot more.

Gratefulness. Sometimes, we just need a pinch in our arm to remind us:

We
Are
Alive

Saturday, July 03, 2010

I  watched as you walk away.
And then it became a gloomy day.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Wanted

I want to watch the clouds move when the rain is falling,
To fall asleep with the sound of rain drops on the tin on the floor.

I want to run in a meadow filled with the color green,
and to lie awake staring at the birds in the sky.

I want to climb a mountain, to the top,
be short of breath literally and metaphorically.

I want to photograph the moonlit sky hanging over Paris,
see the city come alive with the lights flooding it.

I want to be covered in mud,
holding hands as we traverse the forest barefooted.

I want to play guitar on the street,
Sing as people walk by, a smile for my effort would be nice.

I want to jump off a cliff, into the ocean below,
creating a splash and sink into the deep blue with life bubbling around.

I want to sit on a hill, watching the stars in the sky,
talking to you, writing poems about our adventures.

I want to be a farmer, by the river i build a house,
as long as we're happy, we will live quietly as the days go by.

I want ride a bicycle into town,
buying loaves of freshly baked bread, to share over a cup of tea.

I want to go fishing, in a gushing river,
where fishes jump to catch a breath of air.

I want to drink hot cocoa by a warm fire,
without words travelling, but the silence keeps us company.

I want to run cross country,
braving rains and scorching sun, but still knowing that i'll reach there someday.

I want a lot of things, but not everything.

All i really want now, is to know something is waiting for me out there, where i can be me.

Friday, June 18, 2010

20 boxes of Match

The silence, oh how i missed you.

Thinking back to high school days, the only time i get to think and enjoy time alone is at hours like this, the world around you asleep, the sound of silence is so deafening, so welcoming.

Work is getting heavier, plus with the band ongoing, it seems my nights are all taken up just by these few things, will have to start prioritizing.

Speaking of the band, really enjoy playing, but the commitment is tough, and booking a studio is not cheap, my frontman would suggest we go Indonesia because can play whole day and still afford it (yea he isn't local)

Working towards something isn't easy, but it's a motivation.

Friends come and friends go, i don't think i'll miss those who didn't really leave an impact on me, but rather, those i want to hang with must keep close.

Coherently incoherent, maybe i'm not as energetic as i used to be back in high school, still nights like this is hard to come by.

Pity, it has to end so soon.

Monday, June 14, 2010

"I like to make myself believe
That planet earth, turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather
Stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting
At the seams"
Fireflies, Owl City

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Monday, June 07, 2010

The Paradoxical House

To this date, two of my friends stood on a platform and spoke, words of grace and speaking of God flowed from their tongues, weaving into a beautiful coherent testimony of how God was evident in their life.

To this date, these two are one of those few people I respect a lot.

To know others fallen short and you yourself fall short of God's glory is not a pretty thing, it makes you feel lower than a piece of shit, but not low enough to throw yourself down a cliff.

I guess, time to pick up the bible again, time to commit, time to kneel down, time to rethink of things that I've been doing and not doing.

Maybe, it's time to live up to my name.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Lucid

A friend whom i have the pleasure to know, has decided to leave this country in pursuit of a life of settling down.

Some may call it foolish, unwise move, pathetic, but i fully support my friend.
It is noble, it is important, important to him, and that's what matters, we may disagree, we may not see it their way, but it's important to support friends.

But this, to go elsewhere just to bridge the gap of distance between you and the girl, it's an admirable thing to do, it's something to rejoice about, job you can always find, money is always there, set priorities right.

To this good friend, cheers, may life favor you.

For the rest of us, may it remind us of important things in life, things that you hold dearly to.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Condition

I've been reading lonely planet articles and reviews, watching some National Geographic, my mind is playing games on me.

I have a very strong urge to just pack and leave, i don't mind being a sailor, or be a fisherman, as long as i am out of this place.

Life isn't bad, in fact, it's great, it's just, i want to be free, like horses running through the meadow plains, like fishes swimming in the vast oceans.

I want to go.

"I want to to be free from desolation and despair" - Map of the Problematique

Monday, May 24, 2010

Leaves

We never grow out of certain things, say, fear of clowns, hugging parents before sleep, doodle on everything.
Yet there are always things we do.

We compromise, we give up, we rationalize, we always "settle".

In just a short week, 3 of my good friends left the country, to different places for very different reasons.

It is nothing short of a joy i feel for them, moving past norms and transcends societal expectations. Being propelled to places unknown, it's like being born again. I wonder if this is the way life should be, is our inner voice telling us to settle down just something we inherit from culture?

Is love supposed to be following a schedule, or are all these a by product of just being within a community?

"No one wants to be defeated" So sang a famous entertainer who passed away way too soon. Yet by not feeling defeated, does it mean we are victorious? I could just tweak my mindset a lil', push certain pieces puzzle out of the picture, redefine standards, and i would no longer be "defeated", i'd be happy, for real, even if it means to compromise, that's not to sat it isn't a good thing, but is it?

I cannot add an ounce to which this life is given to me, i have only so much time left, and i sometimes spend it thinking and writing it down here, i think about all the past thinkers, thinkers whose philosophy gripped the world, but to what end? The more we know, the more we cannot "settle". This is why, i think, that a job isn't just a job, a degree isn't just a degree, the more we know, the more we have to work towards something more purposeful, even it means doing the same thing over and over again, it won't suck if there is meaning to it.

We drown ourselves in things that cannot satisfy, and i won't even bother to preach what can satisfy us.

To Justin who left this country in pursuit of a better life out there:
Life isn't what you expected it to be, it has never been kind, nor has it directed you to someplace you'd thought you'd be, people have loads of opinion, including myself, and who am i to bring up God? One thing i dare say, is that, being there, where you are, probably is the most fucked up scariest shit you may have done, leaving quite a lot behind, evidence by tears seen in your friend's eyes, having a family you loved and leaving them for the better or worse. I guess, i don't really care what choice you make there and how you are going to live your life there, one thing i'd like to ask though: stay alive.

A drop, on the leaves it weighs,
Contemplating to hold or let go,
Winds swept and winds howled,
Unforgiving was the sun,
Unkind was the clouds,
In cycles of darkness,
In repetition of light,
In former glory,
Arise again,
You.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Crystallized

Around a year ago, i was in Thailand with two friends having an awesome experience doing missions and enjoying the culture and cheap food there.

Around a year ago, i was struggling with thesis, trying to get participants, getting 15 laptops to run at the exact same time and at the exact same functions.

Around a year ago, i went to ipoh and taiping, feeling miserable over a girl, whom i cared too much for.

Around two years ago, i was bedridden for at least a month due to imbalanced fluid within the ear.

Around two years ago, good friends came to celebrate my birthday though i was sick and was impaired in speech.

Around two years ago, a childhood friend's mom was cremated, and for the first time, i hear my friend cry.

Around three years ago, i was in Malacca with my closest friends, having the time of our life.

Around three years ago, my sister had my college mates pooled in for a mp4 player for my birthday.

Around three years ago, i went for CF camp and made friends with people whom i am still friends with.

Around four years ago, i was in penang with my high school mates, chilling and awaiting university entrances results.

Around four years ago, i broke up with a girl.

Around four years ago, i begun a new life in university, hoping to write a new tale, a new beginning.

Around five years ago, i was worrying about STPM and struggling even to pass my subjects.

Around five years ago, i was still a hard rock Jesus freak.

Around five years ago, i was different.

Now, i am working, in a company which feels a lot like high school, or i feel like i am being the me i was back in high school, afraid, fear of failing, falling short.

Now, friends are flying off, i am happy for them, friends came back, i am overjoyed even though it isn't the same between us anymore, friends is going to come back, i do not know what to expect.

Now, far away from God, far away from church, resentful, cynical, dissatisfied, i don't know how i ended up here. People say go back to God, i don't know how.

Everyday is a struggle to keep dreams alive, a struggle to not do things i will regret.

I am thankful to be alive. Life is interesting.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Driver

Driving the streets around 2 am really opens up new perspectives.

The drive wasn't boring nor was it tiring, but rather enjoyable and carefree.

I had a destination. Therefore getting there is the fun part.

But it's when you just go about aimlessly is when the stress steps in.

No regrets, it's the hardest thing to have.

Rather if we frame it properly, stuff that's out of the control we graciously accept. Stuff that's in control, even simple things like the girl next door you always didn't have the guts to say hi to, that one job you didn't dare try, that few words you were afraid to mutter to someone you care deeply for, raising your hand to ask a question during lecture, we all can have a say in it.

It is regrets that we could avoid that cripples us, that makes us break down, and lose hope.
If i hadn't had the guts to quit my previous job, i wouldn't be happier, if i didn't try to do my experiment on my own and attempted something so troublesome, i wouldn't have felt proud and graduated with honor. That's not to say i didn't have any regrets, i did.

I was embarrassed of my mom once, i didn't had the guts to go for a girl, i didn't lend a helping hand to someone in need, i didn't have the bravery to face someone i wronged, i lied for own gain and many others.

But the funny thing is, when you do realize that time is short, that it is running out, that maybe tomorrow or the next 5 minutes you'll leave this world, you'd start to handle things differently, you have the guts to quit your job, move on in life regardless good or bad, to make friends with someone you didn't like, to take a step forward and travel to other countries alone, to say "heck it" to social norms like getting a degree at 22 and pursue your own dreams.

It is wise to take life with your hand, because life itself is on a short leash, ready to be let go whenever the Master upstairs pleases.

With 2 deaths in four months, came 2 weddings, life is fair, one candles blows up another is lit. How long more are we to stay idle and say for sure tomorrow surely will come?

Nay, no more, to my friends, to infinity and beyond, movies and songs aren't there just for entertainment, it's a representation of the human being.

Regrets, be gone.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Dizygotic

There is two.

One - Staying put. Moving upwards, relentless

Two - Move out, move elsewhere, move.

To reconcile is to bring upon unforseen sufferings and joy.
To reconcile is to go counter direction.
To walk the other way, is to give up on expected things.

Two.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Mu-lan

Today April the 10th, a good friend from high school, was married in a church and a lovely wedding dinner followed after.

I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.

Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"

I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"

Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.

Yet,

And yet,

There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?

For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.

This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.

Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:

A Joker's Heart

In a castle not far away
A joker was there to stay
Morning he brought laughter and cheers
Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears

Who could tell of the Joker's heart?
Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart
Who'd bother to ask how was his day?
They just wanted him and his playful ways

The Joker longs to pour out his heart
To tell his feelings, his joy and much
Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?
It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek

Finally, the Joker could take it no more
He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four
He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark
Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.

-6th May, 2009-
-Lordson-

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Took the Train

I saw two dudes with kids, and they were happy.

A lady happily reading her book.

A tomboy shouting profanities over the phone.

A couple hugging.

A kid laughing himself silly while calling his brother.

A socially awkward teenager.

A woman carrying buckets of KFC.

And a reflection of myself, tired, worn out, and defeated.



And i say to myself "here is life."

And there is nothing wrong with it.

The only crime i can commit is to let go and be complacent.

I will not be complacent.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Gulliver

Work work work.

That's all working people talk about!

I felt an sudden onset of depression, a not so serious kind but enough to make me down.

Correlations: Hotter the girls (and they know it), the worse a guy suffers.

You betcha'

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Trading Scars

Thus arrived us at Easter.

But what significance is there? Would Jesus still come down to die for us knowing that we have descended into such sad state? Where people lose faith in the institutions that bear His name? Where the world is the church and the church is of the world?
Would He? Or would we picture Him weeping in Heaven and the tears becomes raindrops that water the earth, hoping that if all else fails, at least the flowers would still be beautiful and elegant as they were meant to be?

It is time for reflections, and I have gone astray, yet, hopefully clinging on, but slipping, may the last finger that holds on be the one to pull me to where I should be.

I have a dream. A dream that seems far fetched in dire times like these. A time where you wish you had never left Neverland, a time where you would dream dreams.

Sometimes we think watching movies and listening to music is nonsense and people should be more productive, but i really think movies are there to remind people life is more than what they made it out to be. People enjoy movies and songs, not for the sake of escapism, but to keep their focus on things that were meant for them to enjoy - the world and all created things.

To break free from monotony, to have autonomy, to live.

I have a dream, a dream that would seem foolish in eyes of others, but a dream that at least another share.

A dream.

It keeps me moving forward. Let's move forward.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The lil things...

...that makes me happy about my current job:


  1. Office have windows!
  2. Clean toilets!
  3. Internet!
  4. Cheap food nearby!
Apart from that there are plenty of other things, but not to tell today :)

Suffice to say, i still must always realign my focus towards things that are more essential, this is not the end, it's just a means to get moving in life.

Time flies by too fast, too fast that i cannot keep up, i just want everything to slow down, please?

I see you sitting down
Face facing ground
So that no one notices your frown

You aren't pretty
Life feels shitty
No one would pity

You put on a bold face
Thinking you know your place
Yet, yet falling from grace

The world treats you unkind
Messed up there's no rewind
Things would be different if you could alter time

I don't know if i should talk to you
Would i be a jerk if i do?
It seems i might just be pitying you

So I just stood there
As if I did not care
It just isn't fair

I detest you O the world
Chaos you thrust against us
Now we are cursed

She steps off the train
Hiding her pain
Who can say they felt the same?

I stood there
Did nothing but stare
Holding in, mentally impaired

By refusing to show kindness
I increased the bitterness
Whose heart broke? Hers first.

Hers. First.