I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.
Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"
I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"
Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.
Yet,
And yet,
There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?
For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.
This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.
Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:
A Joker's Heart
In a castle not far away
A joker was there to stay
Morning he brought laughter and cheers
Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears
Who could tell of the Joker's heart?
Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart
Who'd bother to ask how was his day?
They just wanted him and his playful ways
The Joker longs to pour out his heart
To tell his feelings, his joy and much
Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?
It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek
Finally, the Joker could take it no more
He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four
He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark
Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.
-6th May, 2009-
-Lordson-
1 comment:
If you can be more specific about which part or what kind of "God talks" you disagree with, i'd love to discuss it with you. it may be that there was actually something wrong or doctrinally inaccurate about the "God talks" and you discerned it, albeit through a lense of cynicism.
lordson, i try my best to accept people as they are. but i am human; i will fail. more so those who are prejudiced and proud of their prejudice (i think those are the ones who are trying to "change" you, am i right?)... in the end it is God alone who can truly love unconditionally.
just as the Father took the prodigal son in his arms, not caring about him being dirty and smelly, so God will accept us as we are... sadly, humans often will not.
God understands all that you have been through and all that you are going through now. the sense of disillusionment, the loss of your "Godly" self... He knows and He is with you still, His hand is still guiding you though you may not be able to see or feel it. you are not alone.
i have written too long, probably bored you with things that you already know. sorry. just wanted to encourage you a little bit. wish i could visit and chat face to face but seremban's too far away, and anyway, what would i say?
take care lordson. God bless. =)
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