How Far I've Come

In 12 hours time, i will be in Bangkok, and only God knows what will I and my friends be doing there. Everything now is in God's hands, I'll be back on May 11th. This blog will be left empty till then!

So here is one last post before i fly:

I am gonna turn 23 soon, and what has happened in the past 23 years? I think i kinda wasted a lot on it on myself, as in i bothered too much about myself, when there are much needed things to attend to, things much more important than my emotions and wants, not to say its bad, but i like to allocate resources to other things.

Up to this point, i am going to graduate, with no real vision in mind what to do after that, i feel like i'm drifting, but that is not what i had 3 years ago, time changes, and sometimes i cannot keep up, i like to be a missionary, to go serve God in some place He calls me to, but with a worldview in mind, it seems, financials, family, attachment are hindering me, and now it has boil down to being: get a job, pay off loans, make comfy a life for parents, and then whatever else. When will i ever achieve anything i originally set out to do?

A good friend told me that this is where we trust God to take care of us and submit our plans to Him, but looking at my current state, will i be able to do that anytime soon?

I've fallen further away from the throne of God, i used to be many a things that is called christian, now i am just someone in this world trying to do the right thing.

How far i've come? It's a good question. Maybe i have been fed too much of what the world wants, and i conformed, maybe i am being ignorant, maybe i am being selfish, maybe i just dislike obeying God. Whatever it is, i am now here, broken relationships, distant religion, insecure, fear of the past, worries of the future.

I am sad i left my church so abruptly, even more sad the disapproving eyes i received.

I am sad that my closest friends are now an acquaintance.

I am sad that i have not the courage to amend my wrongdoings.

I am sad i am not man enough to say sorry.

But one thing i am glad, is that i am still alive, and though time is running out, there are always second chances if i take it.

Dear you,

Sorry for being a dick, disrespectful and above all, an idiot. I never took account of what you have to go through, never thought that it is sometimes forced, not by choice. Sorry i haven't said sorry, and knowing myself, probably it will be that way awhile.

Dear you,

Sorry for not letting it go, sorry that now we just say hi and bye and that i cannot tolerate a lot of things about you.

Dear you,

Thank you for sticking around, though not long i knew you, at least now we're here.

Dear God,

Sorry for ending up like this. Sorry for not living up to my name. Sorry.

Let the coming 2 weeks be a time of refreshing =)

-I Come, I Live, I Draw The Pictures In My Life-

Draw Thy Swords!

Two more days and i am off to bangkok.

But the seemingly short holidays after exams are good. Meetin

g new people, hanging out with good friends.

Getting back into the gaming groove, i lost it. After intense guitar hero-ing, i realized i slacking in playing my actual guitar, argh, all the talks of improving all tak jadi.

I wonder, why are christians the worst judge?

Sometimes living in this world, it seems the christians are the ones persecuting the christians, nay, i talk not of other places but only places i've been, lest you think me short sighted and already prejudging me.

I think, if not for a few buddies of mine sticking with me despite the different viewpoints we have, i'd already will be somewhere else.

It seems true that some people say christianity is a product of groupthink.

I like to think that christians have more brains to think for themselves than to blindly follow men made rules, yes, even church rules.

We should be shrewed, wise and thinkers, not programmable minds to just follow and blindly submit, i urge you christians to start thinking with God in mind, and not adhere to just rules and regulations that are "right" because your leaders say so, question them! Be like the bereans!

Check everything with God and His word.

I'm not perfect, but i'm no slacker either. Let the church evolve with the world, but you stay God-centered.

-Up?-

Poetic Attempt

I am a boy.

I like lots of toys.

I am not a girl.

If i was, people would go "eyeer".

I play the guitar.

Dream of being a rockstar.

Never coming true.

'Cause they say I like Abba, and thats not cool.

I got good friends.

They're like sweets in my pants.

Most of them are single.

Especially Keren, who no one wants to mingle. (BURN)

I am straight.

Stop asking! Only girls i'll date!

You want proof you say?

I like Pride and Prejudice, is that okay?

I am going to get kutuked for this post.

Especially from my 'good' friends the most.

I know my sexual orientation!

Just give it time for implementation!

Tabulated Rasa

Exams. Period.

Friend commented my blog not informative enough about how i am doing if they need a quick update.

So here it is:

Exams, before semester break, ends on next week wed. Then 4 days left before i fly to the land of elephants, supposedly to have a mission trip, but what is yet to come is yet to be made known to me, so i cannot say much of it yet, just awaiting?

Gonna come back around early May, then run my thesis research project! Then finally, almost to grad.

Life's been alright, save for a bunch of stuff going on. A friend who i see periodically in a year, came up and say, "Hey, everytime i come back, i always ask of you, and you are always going through a rough patch!" Aiks, really ah?

No wonder Rach tagged me in FB that me = drama queeen.

Not funny, but amusing. heh.

Still struggling with certain christian teachings, can't embrace it fully, but am going to church a bit more consistent now, if you were wondering. Back to my roots my current churchmembers tells me, been awhile, been awhile, more than erm, 12 years? ha.

On a another note, currently everywhere is plunged into problems and problems, the country, the church, the system, is it because i grew up, therefore i know more? Was i ignorant before? Or is it that the world is heading towards a hellhole that Jesus was talking about?

Either way, why am i still putting more interest in myself than other things in the world that are much more meaningful than i am?

Fallen nature of humanity? Or nature vs. nurture?

Bah. Questions. Ridiculous.

Let me live.

-Farscape-

Majoring!

Story from the past:

How I was a reluctant exhibitionist:

Back in the year 1995, i broke my right thigh bone while walking down the street to buy breakfast, yup, its an age old story i told a gazillion times.

So long story short, i ended up in UH (universiti hospital), now life was good, except that i was placed ina children's cancer ward, where people come and go faster than i can change my underwear. It was horrible, sound of children screaming was tiresome and gives me the nightmares.

Anyway one fine day, the doctors were bringing the interns for the usual rounds, and they came to my ward. I was bottomless, due to the enormously huge cast from my waist till the tip of my toes, so i was usually well covered.

In all randomness and humor, my dad took my blanket to wash just before the doctors came to see my condition, they definitely saw more than my conditions.

So being exposed, i was panicking, my junk was hanging, terribly uncomfortable, plus the doctors were giggling and making fun of it, ok, i don't know if they were actually laughing at it, i assume so because i repressed it already.

so was the first time i exhibit my thing, and years later, i am now very self-conscious, and if i were to draw any lessons from the event itself, it would be that i understand the usage of underwears now.

The End.

-Cold, cold heart-

Trial Ran

Thesis 1 handed up!
yay!
Exams coming, not so yay, not studying yet hehe

the older i get, the more cynical i become, the more ignorant i become.

i couldn't care less for a lot of things now which used to matter a lot to me, but rather, i care for the little things that seem insignificant, like the rain drops on my roof, the silent nights that accompanies me through my busiest time, the small walks alone down a quiet road, the sight of kids playing in the park.

Its the smallest thing that makes me realize that there is a bigger force at work, and that life in KL is too fast and furious (pantas dan garang, cinema translation), i met a guy at a party earlier, saying life back in his place was slow and laid back, people were smiley and was good, but coming here to KL was a culture shock.
When did life took a dive?

Gone are the days where we worry not what to do or where to go. Now life is a vicious brutal cycle, a bitch as some would call it.

You live to study, get a paper, work, settle down, get married, have kids, wait for them to grow up, retire and die.
I think its stupid, to live life like that.
Of course some would argue in between they do loads of other meaningful stuff, but what is meaningful?

In view of my upcoming graduation, i find life to be such a dick, that i supposedly have to find a job to pay off loans and be financially stable, if not i wouldn't have a gf, or something i could cling on to when times are hard.
I say.... its true, as much as i try to dream of other things, to travel the world, to live day by day as it comes, but it is unpractical, mom would worry and friends would despise.
If only life were more of a movie flick, where everything will work out in the end.
Life, one chance, one wrong turn, you're screwed. Well, most of the time anyway.

In another note, home is like a prison. hahaha

Oh yea, one more thing, why is everyone telling me they heard i am seeing someone??
IF I HAVE A GF, PLEASE TELL ME WHO IS SHE!
Got already like few people in the past month saying someone said i am going out or seeing someone, when there is no one wei, if somebody knows something about me that i don't know about, tell me, why am i the only one that doesn't know i have a gf???

-Prince Charming, I'm in love!-

Blind April

Last week of studies for this sem, then exams, then off to Bangkok for 2 weeks!

how am i gonna survive 2 weeks there?

April's fool was a letdown, then only fooling around was just me not doing work and reading up internet pranks rather than me with a fling with some random girl (hence, fooling around)

Attended a talk saying we should face our dark side of self in order to grow spiritually.

My thesis proposal is almost out of the way, that's good news, now the problem is running it and graduate.

Graduation: what am i gonna do when i do graduate? work and move out? I wish everything would fall into place like an automated self solving jigsaw puzzle. Will i end up doing a 9-5, confined and defined by a cubicle? Or can i do what i want and be happy? Or will i like so many others, my dream will crash in a horrifying car accident and burn to death?

Nightmares: 1) my whole family+extended family wanted to go somewhere, but seats in the car not enough, so they abandoned me, i found a friend who was nearby and treated me nice, then when i was about to leave, he became a monster and i couldn't leave. Woke up terrified.

2) A smartass tutor called my experiment crap. I woke up panicking.

Current dressing: Pink old Cf t-shirt with flower in front, holey pants, unkempt hair.

Movies watched in the past one week: Talentime (Yasmin Ahmad), Fast & Furious (Pantas dan Garang 4) and Confessions of a shopaholic (Jerry Bruckheimer), later: Taken (I wished it was Tekken instead =(   

Current Dreamgirl: Jordana Brewster (hot in Fast and Furious and Chuck and Fast and Furious again)

Current Cravings: Ice Blended Coffee

Thinks: stuff.