In 12 hours time, i will be in Bangkok, and only God knows what will I and my friends be doing there. Everything now is in God's hands, I'll be back on May 11th. This blog will be left empty till then!
So here is one last post before i fly:
I am gonna turn 23 soon, and what has happened in the past 23 years? I think i kinda wasted a lot on it on myself, as in i bothered too much about myself, when there are much needed things to attend to, things much more important than my emotions and wants, not to say its bad, but i like to allocate resources to other things.
Up to this point, i am going to graduate, with no real vision in mind what to do after that, i feel like i'm drifting, but that is not what i had 3 years ago, time changes, and sometimes i cannot keep up, i like to be a missionary, to go serve God in some place He calls me to, but with a worldview in mind, it seems, financials, family, attachment are hindering me, and now it has boil down to being: get a job, pay off loans, make comfy a life for parents, and then whatever else. When will i ever achieve anything i originally set out to do?
A good friend told me that this is where we trust God to take care of us and submit our plans to Him, but looking at my current state, will i be able to do that anytime soon?
I've fallen further away from the throne of God, i used to be many a things that is called christian, now i am just someone in this world trying to do the right thing.
How far i've come? It's a good question. Maybe i have been fed too much of what the world wants, and i conformed, maybe i am being ignorant, maybe i am being selfish, maybe i just dislike obeying God. Whatever it is, i am now here, broken relationships, distant religion, insecure, fear of the past, worries of the future.
I am sad i left my church so abruptly, even more sad the disapproving eyes i received.
I am sad that my closest friends are now an acquaintance.
I am sad that i have not the courage to amend my wrongdoings.
I am sad i am not man enough to say sorry.
But one thing i am glad, is that i am still alive, and though time is running out, there are always second chances if i take it.
Dear you,
Sorry for being a dick, disrespectful and above all, an idiot. I never took account of what you have to go through, never thought that it is sometimes forced, not by choice. Sorry i haven't said sorry, and knowing myself, probably it will be that way awhile.
Dear you,
Sorry for not letting it go, sorry that now we just say hi and bye and that i cannot tolerate a lot of things about you.
Dear you,
Thank you for sticking around, though not long i knew you, at least now we're here.
Dear God,
Sorry for ending up like this. Sorry for not living up to my name. Sorry.
Let the coming 2 weeks be a time of refreshing =)
-I Come, I Live, I Draw The Pictures In My Life-
5 comments:
Shalom.
Just my 50 cents ( since 2 cents not worth anything anymore):
If you can truly be someone who does The Right Thing(s), then I believe you are in full service of God, regardless of creed or doctrine.
Things will work out, so try not to worry and try to relax.
All the best in Bangkok, dude. Be safe.
"Til All Are One."
you ain't alone dude. hope your 2 weeks in Thailand will be a time of enlightenment and rejuvenation. take care!
you and your sorries. that's what you do best! pick yourself up so you don't have more sorries to say in future!
hey man,
sorry i've been out of touch and don't really know what's happening... have you left pbc? i didn't even know that...
so, are you still going to church? which one are you attending now?
yeah there's a tension between wanting to serve God full-time and the requirements of family and finances. but the way i see it, being responsible and meeting those needs are also a way of serving God.
i like to tell people that all christians are called to serve God full-time, it's just that some of them are paid for it. others are paid for their marketable skills (lawyering, healing, teaching, selling etc) as they serve Him. so no matter whether it's in "full-time" or not, continue to serve Him full-time no matter where you go (or not matter where He calls you).=)
for sure as you continue to strive to walk faithfully and obediently with Him, He will lead and guide you. for the next chapter you may have to fulfil family and financial requirements, but only He knows what lies in the chapter after that. if the call to missions or "full-time" is a true one, it's only a matter of His kairos timing before you get there. so take things step by step, and don't sweat it =)
btw, congrats on yr impending graduation. it's the culmination of 16 or 17 years of education - something to take pride and joy in. best of all, i believe that God has been with you throughout it and in spite of pitfalls and mistakes you may have gone through, it has been a time of growth and learning. so, congrats again and may His face continue to shine upon you. =)
God bless! =)
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