Got enough cheese? Yes, and you too.

From the first sight of you

My heart was captured

Thought you were cool

The loneliness been murdered

When i spoke first to you

I choked at my words

Looking like a fool

My heart shrunk from a size to a third

Constantly noticing you

Constantly trying to get noticed

Ring of fire i'll jump through

Just to steal one kiss

Think you and i aren't meant to be

First i'm not type

Second am not a looker nothing to see

Now from you i want to hide

So back to sitting here doing nothing

Staring at you hoping for nothing

My heart now just became nothing

As my life returns to nothing.

Only In

The noise.

But they are good noise.

When i need an escape, i turn to sleep. To dreams.

Some days, i believe my dream was a real memory, on one hand it means i'm close to going nuts, on the other hand, well, there is no other hand.

But vivid dreams are the ones that makes me wake up stunned.

They sometimes remind me of someone i've not seen for a long time, and i contact them when i wake up.

Sometimes it comes up as some scene that would never happened in real life.

But what it never shows is the future.

Which was kind of a bummer.

Nevertheless.

The dream i appreciate most, is to have the ability to fly.

Escapism, flying, wonder if they are correlated positively?

Ode To The Family

A Short Story:

Tom drew a lighter from his pocket, his hands were shaking due to nervousness as he lit the cigarette stick that was protruding out of his mouth. As he took a few puffs and blew the smoke out casually, he wonders what would his parents think of this - smoking.

His parents would not approve. But yet, if found out, probably will dish out just a few stern warnings and that was it. So Tom continued smoking; it calms him down.

Where he was standing, it overlooked the entire town, small little droplets of rain water fell on his face, cold air stings his body. But he stood there, the cigarette stick now a third of its original length. It seems strange, as the cold was crimson red, and the people walking from afar seem to be faceless.

But he thought nothing of it.

For that moment, the world seem to be at peace. For that one moment, life is great for Tom.

Tom.

Didn't realize he was now at a bridge, a bridge where it was built over a river flowing with what it seems to be like strings, millions of strings, pretending to be river water.

A girl.

Jessica. Appears. Tom takes a good look at her and concludes she is her lover.

Jessica.

For all the things he could do, Tom wouldn't trade this moment with her for anything else, not even to turn back time.

A leap.

Tom was plunging towards the river, while Jessica sobs and cries out his name.

The connection they have, now gone, as Tom is engulfed by the strings, still pretending to be river water.

Jerk.

Tom wakes up, thinking it's not a dream, but a memory of 50 years ago.

Lies.

His bed he lies. Tom looks out the window, the clouds is dark and arguing with one another. One cloud started crying.

Tom sighs.

That one moment.

That one.

Jessica.

I feel

Defeated.

If i can't trust anyone, who do i have left?

Let me trust You again.

Reunion

As the eve of chinese new year was before us.

3 of us sat around the small rectangular table, a platter of food fit for ten people was laid before us.

As mother was saying grace. I took a quick glance and noticed how much my parents aged.

One became frail and wrinkled, another worn out and slowed.

Myself, grown up.

How things have changed.

The dinner did not last long, the reunion was short lived, soon left just both mother and I, talking away about how good the food was.

Mother took it upon herself to clean everything up, and all i could do was thank her and watched as she packs things one by one away, returning to the life before the reunion dinner.

Her worn out eyes has seen a lot in life, and yet, a lot of things in life eludes her.

The bigger things she longs to enjoy may not come to her in this life, so she is happy with the little things - movies to watch, presence of grandson, the chatter among family members, gardening and current time gadgets that sometimes are beyond her comprehension.

This is the life of mother, a woman who had ambitious dreams when she graduated from high school, who found disappointment when her conservative mother forbade her to further her studies overseas in fear of her never returning to her homeland.

A woman who could have been successful in every aspect of life, unwillingly remained behind, working jobs after jobs, until she was married.

Bore two child, raised them up almost singlehandedly as her husband strove outside to make ends meet.

In a blink of an eye, 27 years has passed since then. Still trying to stretch the dollar. Still raising her kids even though they had already grown up.

The money she saved always ends up for the family, all those longing for travelling seems to disappear as time goes by.

Who knows how long will this continue? Who is to say that the mold cannot be broken?

A few things came across my mind: is she happy? Could at any point did she wish she could turn back time and start over?

As the clock struck midnight, subtly indicating the new year has dawn upon us, she opened the wooden door to my room, as i was holding my guitar, sitting on my bed, i noticed her eyes again, the little satisfaction that she was still able to give me a red packet, containing money which i do not need from her anymore. Money that i was supposed to give her and not take. She lied. She said that the two red packets are from her and father. But i know that the money was from her, and she is preserving what is left of a tradition which she is so accustomed to. I smiled and accepted, knowing that refusal would mean disrespect.

Thus begins a new year, a chinese one at that.

I kept the red packets aside, knowing that i will probably not use it.

What used to be a source of money for the new year has now been relegated to be a symbolic gesture, one that so few understand about.

This year, i am glad that it is unlike any other chinese new year.

Nomadic Hypocrites

Just when hope needed to appear.

It did.

Regarding the friend's dad in my previous post, the dad is now awake, and most likely on the road to recovery,

I

Have

Savior's

Complex


It's not that serious as those articles you read when you Google it. But i realized i do have a form of it.

Basically i try to help anyone (whom i am bothered about) in whatever possible way i can. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't.

Not sure is it stemmed from my name or not, but it is a peculiar thing to have.

Maybe i dislike seeing people lagging behind me or suffer, i rather if they were on par with me or ahead.

But it sickens me, to see how society and their self made rules ruin people's lives.
Rules and laws are meant to benefit the people, not making them mindless slaves.

It sickens me. Deep within. To be confined to unreasonable expectations of others, when our full potential are on a leash.

It's unfortunate, and sometimes required.

How sick and twisted this world is.

If i sound like i am making myself to be a messiah, i'm not.

I just jacked out of this "matrix"

Mime emiM

The theme of today is hope.

What is hope, a politician two years back used hope as his main slogan in his campaign.

Hope.

A powerful word indeed. With that word, he became a president, but through hope alone isn't enough, it must inspire.

As i watched Adventureland, there is a sense of hope in which the story's characters are driven by.

A tiny bit, but it's there.

As my friend's dad lies in the hospital, hope seems to be fleeting, but without it, the will to carry on would vanish with it as well.

A friend working overseas or out of state, hopeful to make it big, earn a decent living to have a comfortable life no matter how fucked up things are right now.

A hopeful dreamer, still dreaming about days where it'll work out for him as long as he tries.

Unfortunately, hope must be paid with effort and mindset.

One who does not try does not yield, or worse, does not know.

So for what it's worth, it's going to be a rocky year, but there is still hope.

For everyone tonight who needs hope, i hope for whatever or whoever they believe in, in their sleep they will find solace, even if only for a few hours.

Rule #32

Enjoy the little things.


2011 was supposed to be an all ass kicking year.

So far has not been anywhere near it and January already coming to an end.

Maybe an exit plan is very much needed.

Enjoy the little things.

I've loathed the fact that every time i see something bad happened, i would go into rant mode and just rant.
Newspapers filled with news that really just brings the world down.
Age versus Meaningful Achievement

But

Enjoy the little things.

A small truth i found when watching Zombieland.

The innocent smile of a child.

The bat of eye from a person you like towards you.

The slip of tongue a friend made.

The quiet drives during the night alone.

The nights of silence.

The couple peacefully sitting together on the LRT.

A bottle of water after playing basketball.

The thought of someone.

That one song you hum but couldn't figure out who was the singer.

Enjoy the little things.

Some little things are worth living for.

Basic Space

How far have i fallen if i feel like an atheist?

How far will i go to condemn others?

How far will i go?

How far,will i?

How far?

How?

Path One

A year ago, death haunted my surroundings.

A friend committed suicide, a friend died in an accident.

A year ago, someone broke my heart and took a piece of me.

1 year ago, education ended and the fear of where to go and what to do found me again.

Yet the sense of adventure and new found passion to do different things came alive.

That very same moment a year ago, i sold my soul to a company, a self declared contract of one year.

How 1 year can make a difference, how 365 days can change a man (or woman).

Where am i now a year later?

Comfortable with not being a burden to the family. Passion to work and travel has diminished a little.

But still here, still the same.

But alas, this year started off with a marriage announcement, it started a chain of reactions that i think is forthcoming.

It was backed up by good friend coming back from other country. Supported by a good bunch of friends from different walks of life.

So how is this year going to not suck?

Give me a year.

I'll write about it.

It's

It's not picking yourself up that is hard

Or not thinking about it

It's forgiveness.

Glass Looking

Hence begin a new year.

It's clearly etched into my mind how 2010 went. So much so it burns.

Nothing went as planned.

But I've gained a lot.

Especially perspectives.

But all in all, a dip into the corporate sector and i feel how it taints, how it grows on you and slowly try to draw you to the deep end of the lake.

How are we going to be different than the mindless slaves justifying their cause when their cause is nothing more than actually just to serve to fill the fat cats with more money?

In Q3 of 2010, i lost my passion and dream, slowly dwindled with discouraging words from people, and pessimistic thoughts. The only thing kept me going was nothing.

Being nothing is as if showing God the finger. And no one shows the God Father the finger.

But here's hoping the year ahead is better.

I need to try.

I don't have a lot going for me, i was thinking of writing about how imperfect my family was. How i can be so tolerant of friends that don't understand me, how i waste my life sleeping it away.

I could.

Easy to blame.

Not easy to do something about it.

I've been saying a lot of things to alot of people about what i want to do.

Time to make it happen.

If not i'll admit defeat and jack myself into the matrix.

Sally

I like Christmas at the core.

People say giving is truly receiving, i beg to differ.

Receiving is a validation of existence and appreciation by a lot of people.

That being said, in this world, there are a lot of people who are lacking in validation.

Easy to say we don't need validation, but to some extent we do.

So to those who have been kind to me.

Thanks. Appreciate it. Merry Christmas

Trickle

It's like no one thinks anymore.

Everyone became just a side taker.

An opinion is form, another against it.

Each side will have its supporters, but not critical thinkers, just follow what is right to them.

Idiots.

But we need people like this, too much thinkers and nothing gets done. Too many followers and we'll have a mess.

That is life, balance.

But there isn't one is there?

This world is full of shit you read in newspapers. So full of crap you just want to wish it away.

But to survive doesn't mean to compromise or betray yourself.

To survive is to know your priorities.

To live is to learn.

Flashes

I accidentally opened a folder

Saw a set of pictures

The past weight appeared on my shoulders

The flash of my life featured

I saw what happened 3 years ago

How i ended up here

The worst of the reflection shows

The hideous part of my fears

Bury the hands that touched you

Bury the legs that walked with you

Sew the lips that spoke words to you

Blind the eyes that belongs to a fool

Leave the dead alone

Throw away the keys

Your sins i will not atone

Whispered the withered trees

I've clicked the red box with the X

Shut away the past

Refrain from giving you a text

The emotions away i thrust

If you shall chance upon this

Know that I've shed enough tears

After all, at the very least

Know that you have the best of my years.

Star Bright

Some of the years during Christmas, we'd put up a tree, a fake one, but nevertheless a tree, we'll decorate it with cheap flickering LED lights. Put a star on the top. Presents below.

It was like in the story books, or those you see in the television.

Sometimes i would just sit in the living room staring at it, thinking it's all good. Life was good.

It wasn't a family tradition, it's not every year we have a tree, could be we forgot about it, or we don't care enough to put it, or simply no money.

Life was alright, with or without the tree.

This year, i came back home two days ago, and saw this mini Christmas tree my family has put up, with lights and small present. All of it sitting on top of a coffee table.

But something isn't right, or wasn't normal.

Life.

We've changed. Time has not been so merciful upon us after all. What a pity.

Pity indeed.

It used to be the world was safe, i could run back to my mom and everything will be normal.
Didn't care where money came from. Didn't care if there was going to be a celebration.

Just like to be home, in my cozy room.

But now, work beckons, we've got extra family members, the need to be out with others to enjoy so to not to waste a good weekend.

It seems to have been reversed.

My aging parents are now older, more fragile, less energetic, retired.
While i am taking over the role to help provide for the money.
The world is more hostile than before.
Dreams slowly fading with the passing of time.

The tree seems smaller now, the room not as cozy as before.

Used to be innocent carols, laughter and food.

Now cynical, manipulative and silly.

The friends i once knew disapproved of the changes.

The other friends i know became another entity.

All that really left is still this tree.
And sadly, i've realized how much i've distanced myself from everything everyone. Living in a shell pretending to know where i am going or what i am doing, but all i really am, is shit scared inside.

I should put out my share and put some presents under the tree.

I sat there watching these lights,

Thinking, pondering, contemplating, sighing,

I came upon a conclusion,

I am still but a child.

Divine Disappointment

I don't know why i am still thinking about God.

Thought i had put that behind me.

But i didn't.

And that's the problem, you're torn in between living a life you want and trying to reconcile with the one you think God wants for you.

So far, it's pretty good living like you couldn't care less about God. And you resent Christians who try to be preachy.
There is a guy who mistreated up till early this year, who has the nerves to come up to me and preach me, via book face, or whatever!

Who the hell is he to preach to me about God when all i did was trying to be nice to him and he treated me like i was a leper (granted, friends do refer to me as a leper)??

The frustration.

In the end of this blogpost, i do think God is necessary, even if atheist or others think that it is a figure so we can have hope.

I digress... right about now.

Waves

I fell sick today.

Fever and what not.

Felt like crap.

Slept the whole day.

Missed out on paid activities.

In my sleep, i have weird dreams. But one recurring one is always a group of friends keep abandoning me.

You can say i have abandonment issues.

Or you can say i am turning into a super villain.

I can exact my revenge on people who've wronged me.

I could.

But i probably wouldn't.

We're all messed up in some ways.

I rather use and incorporate into a comedy routine.

Christmas is near.

A friend said "don't you feel it? end of the year you just wanna have a girl friend and spend christmas with"

i said "no"

Unicycle

Don't you know the sun it's shining for you

the earth is turning just as you do

my heart will always be for you everlong

the steps you take the flowers it will follow

the words you say to the heart it pierces through

the gaze you gave is engrave deep within in me

deep within in me

so i surely will be there 

forever where you are

wish upon a star

that we will go far

Err

For the first time in a long time, i spent the weekend at home, mostly to myself, not stepping out of the house.
It was easy to do because family was away, friends were either working or busy.

The morning was great - caught up on some tv shows, light reading and casual surfing.

The afternoon was more of nailing some things which people consider a waste of time down like gaming and napping.

Nights were the best, the cool air visited, rain fell and lights were dimmed, chose to turn in early (usually i push till my last ounce of strength before i collapse and sleep) and i could hear my thoughts running wildly, putting thoughts into perspectives, string of words into coherent sentences, pictures into portraits of stories.

This was what i missed.

During schooldays, that was what i used to do. And i think at that point i was more clear minded.

Now, cynical, aging, quick to pass judgment, lost, confused.

At least not pretentious?

At least not pretentious.

Sometimes the only thing that kills me is the eyes of the woman who bore me for nine months.

That stare of disappointment, the gaze of what she hopes of me but i refuse to comply.

It's raining now.

It's fucking raining now.

And i like.