Yesterday, someone took me out for lunch, trying to understand and help me, prayed, and then told me that the seed within me was wrinkled and dried up, that i need to reach out to God.
It struck me that it's been this way for a very long time.
I tried returning, and yes, it helped, the thai mission trip, it helped too, but it didn't penetrate the core. I deceived myself by thinking i was returning by going to church, having theological debates. Those helped me see God a lil, but i was too far to touch Him.
Don't understand why. Sometimes i understand why some people refused to believe in Christianity, why some of them seem so adamant bout remaining anything but a Christian. But i don't know how to tell them anymore, that that is not the way to live.
I have the knowledge, not the passion.
Everything seems like it has lost its significance.
I used to see the world as exciting and colorful, now just desert upon desert. Not to say being emotional about it or anything. It just seems that i lost purpose in life. I very well know i could and would go work, get some cash, help the needy, bless my family, go travel and what not, but in the end, i just don't see where it all fits in with the moving world.
I feel like a walking ghost amongst the world, at home, i just do what i should do, and that's it. Conversations never go beyond "Any clothes to wash?" or "had lunch yet?"
Eye contact never go beyond the surface.
Amongst others, i'm there but not there. i enjoy the company, but after nightfall, i felt nothing.
I have no motivation to penetrate into groups anymore, no joy in trying to fit in, no care if i just go and leave.
What should matter doesn't, what shouldn't does.
I lie awake sometimes wondering what am i doing.
Sometimes i think i try too hard too much, or i don't at all.
There is no constant anymore, just waves.
I wish this was an emo post and that it is a phase.
If it really is, it is a very very long phase.
-Fastball-
3 comments:
I totally understand your situation.
to grow a seed, we have to water it, put fertilizer, kill the weed, and control pest.
let's do it together.
yea man, aii, missed church some more haha.
sounds like you need to reconnect... with God, with family, with friends, with the world.
might a half-day retreat with God help?
often the noise and busyness of daily life just chokes our awareness of God and dries up our soul... some quietness and solitude might be refreshing and rejuvenating, if that is part of the problem. some time set aside just to reconnect with God, worship Him, enjoy His presence...just an idea =)
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