From Dust

We forget things, and we are forgotten.

If we could always remember the fine print, the smallest of it all in a page, then wouldn't it bring back smile again?

Cats in the Cradle

When i have the time, i want and will:

• write a song
• hike up a mountain
• write a script
• go for audition to act on stage
• learn to dance
• learn to fix the car engine
• raise a kid
• shoot a short film
• write a book
• attend a ball
• throw a party
• drive to every state in m'sia and fly to sabah and sarawak
• cycle
• spend time doing community work
• ride a horse
• take up fencing
• paint
• have a picnic outing
• cook a proper full course meal
• bake a cake

But, all i should do now is:

• Study
• Finsih up my thesis
• Graduate
• Get a job
• Care for everyone else
• Be resilient
• Fake a smile
• Sort out my stand on Christianity
• Be supportive
• Be financially stable
• Secured in life
• Manage my time properly
• Obeying written and implied rules
• Be available

Though some things are "important" in life, i think it is not essential,

just that over the years and centuries of human living, we forged a metaphorical prison upon our own lives, instead of seeing beyond it, we like being in the 4 walls that puts us in our place, governed by "responsibilities" and "priorities" who act as our jail wardens.

I will suspend my beliefs for you, to blur out people who say where you will go, you my dear childhood friend, whom never fail to cheer me up when i go to you, who, despite all your troubles, became who you are and forever remembered that way, if religion permits me not to see you again, then goodbye is now. Goodbye.

-Hollow-

Free Association

My legs hurt, like skin cracked, probably due to my eczema and all, it hurts, but i got used to it already, it isn't anything, i just think why i have this? doctors lied when they say i would outgrow, mom continually finding new treatment, but i gave up, not like its life threatening, just sick of it. i kinda hungry, if only i could boil or fry eggs like simon, i mean i could but i lazy la, some more just bathed, my hair and clothes would smell, can sleep the hunger off, i listening to skillet, kinda cool, they christian rock band, but sing the songs can be quite secular, so pretty cool on that, i think i pretty happy, i finally becoming a bit more stable in areas where last year i couldn't, i read my xanga blog again alst night after a good close buddy told me she found it, so i went back again, didn't know why i didn't deleted it, maybe because i felt that my writings are precious and that i would like to gauge my growth since when i alst wrote, and i found out back then i still struggling with the same things except now pretty jaded. i like dogs, but i could never make myself love them so much because my previous dogs were robbed from me, first dog was blackie, that was my uncle's dog, uber cute, and he was a spitz, all black, but he died after having a good fat life, and i was sad, then we had daisy, also a spitz but super loads of fur, and could do acrobatic stuff, or thats what i remember of her, she would always wait on you and jump to greet you, so so happy, till one day it ran or was kidnapped, i never knew, i juts sat outside weeping silently, till now i can remember her though i only had her for awhile, then came junior, whom i was afraid of for awhile, because it was super active and all, but got used to it, and i loved the dog so much, took it back to ipoh and went waterfall with the dog, took pictures, and he was just so cute, and all, but later his fur poked his eyes, and got infection and maggots were there, we couldn't afford the treatment, so we had to give it up and give others, now the neighbours dog look like junior but wasn't junior... i wish i had junior, hoping he having a better life than when he was with my family. Falling through the black, slipping through the crack, nice rhyme. i'm getting used to the idea of being myself and having life, life is good, i think its good because it is good, i think i learned alot this year, and its alright, nowadays i don't know why i 've been sleeping more, and not because i am super tired, but i just am and i enjoy them, i had a dream that i was suppose to be with my friend to go ona trip, but another friend butted in and tried to make it not happen, so i wasn't happy, but i tried and tried, and tried, hmm, not sure what happened in the end, i kinda blur nowadays, i mixed dream with reality and i am reminded my memory kinda bad, do i have some kind of disease? i hope not i really think i just dumb and stupid. because if i found out i was sick now, i don't think i can handle it or even let anyone know.. someone told me to work travel in USA to get good money, but how to go there when i in the first place no money? i am still not used to wearing shorts going in public. i do the stupidest things like driving to places and stuff, i wonder am i dreaming or what? i think i have no money, but sometimes my family made me think i have, but i don't. i always say i wanna play games but why do i have no time? i wanna play play play, but no time la, wait i do have time, but i don't know how am i spending it, i have a best friend, but i don't know why i can't talk to him, but i have another best friend whom i can tell the world, i wonder why, the one i can't talk to he claim i am his best friend too, but nothing deep also, perplexing wei. i crave for steak all the time, i don't know why, and potatoes, hmm potatoes are my favourite, but steak ah so expensive la to get a good one, i wished i knew how to cook, or someone cook for me la, but who knows right? aiyo, i wish i could eat it every week, got cravings, but no money, i'm happy with white rice and soya sauce and an egg, i used to eat that and it was nice, i am trained to eat cheap, better la, i don't know la, i no money but my friends got so they go places i cannot afford, but i go anyway to talk to them then they think i like super poor and try to treat me but i don't want la, i like freeloader not nice. i wonder why i like meeting people but cannot sustain friendship, i too lazy? hahahaha, i don't know la whatever, i always listen to the same song over and over, and hardly listen to new stuff, thats why i can never expand my library of songs, also i don't learn to play new songs, thats why i suck at guitar, i wanna be so many things, but cannot.. people ask me what i wanna do, i don't know, anyway, i think i gonna be like this awhile, ahhahahahahahaa, hopefully i know what i am doing, i am thristy, i should drink water. i got season 9 of simpsons, but cannot watch, tv outside where dad occupies the room. friend say i don't make effort to get girls, is it? i think my efforts ok la, but not reciprocated only ma, hahahahahahaha, i got fear of cockroaches, they're terrible and digusting, why? why got such creature????? i wish i had a horse so i can ride into the winds! i want a sword, super fascinated with swords, i play games with swords in it, i like swords.

==================

Free association, for real.

Psychoanalyze me, please.

Lyrics by Me

3nd time i edit!

A reader told me that this post sound emo and its as if i am talking to myself, disclaimer: NO, it is over the years people keep telling me their world is crap and girls are their life, but then they move on, so stop overdramatizing!!! haha, so this is written for you losers out there =p

OK I PUT BACK ORIGINAL (with a slight edit =p) ok no more editing! i'm so a people pleaser=p

Verse1:

You told me that you live in darkness

Have you turn on the lights in your room?

You told me that life is not worth living

Can i have your playstation and xbox too?

Chorus:

Don't come up to me saying you're sorry

Don't make things so big when its small

Life is great don't make it so corny

You're not the only one after all

Verse 2:

You said she was the prettiest one you've seen

I say are you sure? My mom's better and she ain't eighteen

You say you've fallen in love and she's the one

I say cool, when you break up i'll be having fun

Chorus:

Don't come up to me saying you're sorry

Don't make things so big when its small

Life is great don't make it so corny

You're not the only one after all

Bridge:

So sometimes you see things your way

You bullshit in the things you say

When you stumble upon the truth someday

I hope that you will be okay

I hope that you will be okay

Verse 3:

You told me now you know you're a fool

I'm glad that you don't just see glass half full

You ask how could this be any better?

I say at least you and i are together

At least you and i are together

Chorus:

Don't come up to me saying you're sorry

Don't make things so big when its small

Life is great don't make it so corny

You're not the only one after all

Now we're seeing things together

Lets live life that matters

Don't ever ever say never

Least you and i are together, you and i are together

You and i are together

-End-

Advice

Two Best Advice Received This Year:

"Don't Do Anything"

"Just Don't Care"

Congratulations

As you take the vow

you swore till death from now

To bear the flaws of one another

To brave through every matter

In unity, as lovers, together

To uphold the love, hope to break it never

Pray you'll honor this marriage's sanctity

Treat each other with respect and loyalty

I now learn to let you go and hope to see

That you'll be happy, and then happy i too will be

-Congratulations-

Discourse

I grew up wanting to be a pilot. Drive a huge machine, maybe to compensate for something, maybe it's cool. Whatever it was, i wanted to travel so badly, and what better way to make a living out of it!

Then in primary school, i started having vision problems, probably genetics, or too much comics. Someone told me that people with specs hardly become a pilot. Dream gone.

Then i wanted to be a lawyer. Seems cool, make money, assist in attaining justice, be a clean good lawyer. Then we had Sejarah, totally put off by the mindless reading and then comes Pengajian Am, totally waste of time, not that the subject was not informational, the way they write the text book was already biased and i felt pointless reading it. Dream gone.

Then i wanted to be a missionary. After high school, immersed myself in life in college and university, they way people think are vastly different, and they made sense, call me weak in will, but circumstanstial wise, it is hard not to deviate towards their thinking. Dream put on hold.

Then i just wanted to work and travel. See the world, make enough to support myself, and probably do some local work to aid in whatever way i can to whichever society i was in wherever i am. Then i grew up, responsibilities came, things took a turn of change. Dream put on hold.

No wonder, as i grew up, people kept saying dreams are just dreams, what is important is to be successful. But, successful is just a measurement people place upon themselves to target where they wanna end up to be. My success is to live a fulfilled life, yeap, being poor is a bitch, unable to provide security for people i love is agony, but i guess i i am happy with what i am doing, i don't mind.

Put on tainted lenses, and i see people who gets it all, or they have a plan, or they succeed in whatever they do, most of the time anyway, some attributed it to God, some their parents, some just keep denying that they are blessed and say they work just as hard, what a load of crap! There is no equality in this world, you're born to be rich, you're rich! Simple as that.

Using my naked eyes, and i see a world in poverty, broken people broken lives, i have a roof over my head, i have a complete family, i still go out have fun, so who am i to say my life is full of shit?

Sometimes, its the standard of living we set for ourselves that caused us to have such a shitty mindset.

My dreams will probably never come true, i probably will work, make money, provide, be content to give out some cash to charity to "help" out people.

Nay, that shall never happen!

Never ever become jaded.

Yeap.

- Oh, Whatever~ -

Fr'iends

-Way to Go-

Sweep!

Been talking to mom lately, guess didn't really communicate with her over the past years, but now we got a bit of mutual understanding between us =)

A lot happened this year, but so far looking better than 2009!

Good stuff:

- Got a nephew who i'm gonna mil for cash! muahaha

- Made more substantial friends, adding to my quite cool list of friends.

- Went Thailand for mission trip, good fooood

- Build better friendships with people

- Street Fighter 4

- On my way to grad!

- Still having good friends around (the old ones)

- Knowing I am a better man than certain people of my age

- Friends came back from overseas for holidays!

Bad stuff:

- Need to find job soon, dreams of doing my own stuff after graduation seem unlikely now

- More and more problems, more responsibilities

- My dog depressed

- Busy till can't catch up with friends as much as i would like to

- Xbox 360 been neglected, i think she filing a divorce.

- God and I seem to be separated by a metaphorical chasm

- No thong as birthday present

- People still call me Watson, Lordston, Lawson, Lawrence

But all in all, good year, better than when i fell sick!

Been playing some street fighter, my gaming cred all gone.

I lost to a girl, YES, a girl.

Then i lost to my sifu, Aku, for 36 rounds consecutively.

At least i won one or twice with some people, SOME people.

but good game!

Still...

why Chun-Li's thighs so thick? Can feed the whole third world country wei!

BURN!

Muahahahahahaa.

With You

And you call me a..?

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "That's expensive!! What can I get for a rib?"

I'm sexist? HAHA.

Goodnight

Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Good night cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light
And the red balloon
Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs
Goodnight kittens,
And goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks
And goodnight socks
Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady whispering hush
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere

Bad Case of Loving You

About 3 post away, i wrote a poem, it was for my mummy. I think she has been giving too much without asking back, she did talked me a few times, but what could i do? Well, for one thing, i swept and mopped the floor today. At least one thing off her list eh?

I think my mom has been working ever since young, hasn't rested, her dreams to travel, to open a business or to even own her own garden was not fulfilled. She has been selflessly giving her time and effort to make sure we're better than we should be. Power of mothers. This is probably the most cliche post ever.

Mommy couldn't lived her dream of going overseas as a nurse because her conservative mom wouldn't want her to marry a foreigner. So mommy gives us a lot of liberty.

Mommy had no freedom as a kid. Now we got the freedom she never had.

Mommy don't buy stuff she wants. We get what we wanted.

Mommy never played favourites. But she was blamed so.

Mommy could have walked. But she didn't. Instead we did, occasionally.

Mommy couldn't even leave to watch a movie because worry of baby. But i did, often.

Mommy tried her best. We gave her the worst.

Okok, like becoming emo post. I love mommy. She da best.

-In The Midst-

Hey Lil Bugger..

-Happy 1 month old, nephew, you've made it this far, many more milestones to go dude =) -

G.R

Reaper make its round again nearby, another death occured.

Miscarriage happens.

Been reading some blogs on a recent death, some say they never knew the person and wish they could, some planned to go out with him but not now and never will be, a lot of people say things, a lot of regrets. They couldn't grasp the importance of doing and not planning.

Time has no mercy, no limit.

How sure are we there is always a tomorrow?

So why plan so far ahead, aye?

Sometimes we just should take a leap and see where it goes.

days, months or years. It is naive to think we are untouchable,

By tomorrow, another live robbed, another flower withers.

why not now? why later? why do we plan for something uncertain?

Sometimes, it is best to dive into the unkown in the moment.

That's what makes life interesting, make life worth living.

So pardon me, if i seem hasty and impatient.

You'll never know when life vanishes or when it will stop existing for you.

As morbid as it sounds, it serves as an indicator to live life now, as uncertain as tomorrow be, hope you have no regrets.

I live the way i want it to be, as i told a friend, i don't believe in time frames, if it happens, it happens.

If we let ourselves set up a prison for our minds and not do anything soon and just keep making excuses and plans, who knows before any eleventh hour, the tenth hour you are gone.

Ah, life, and death, how you both seem to make life so short, and how you fool and toil around with lives, kudos, if death can speak anything to life, then life would speak out much more before death.