How Far I've Come

In 12 hours time, i will be in Bangkok, and only God knows what will I and my friends be doing there. Everything now is in God's hands, I'll be back on May 11th. This blog will be left empty till then!

So here is one last post before i fly:

I am gonna turn 23 soon, and what has happened in the past 23 years? I think i kinda wasted a lot on it on myself, as in i bothered too much about myself, when there are much needed things to attend to, things much more important than my emotions and wants, not to say its bad, but i like to allocate resources to other things.

Up to this point, i am going to graduate, with no real vision in mind what to do after that, i feel like i'm drifting, but that is not what i had 3 years ago, time changes, and sometimes i cannot keep up, i like to be a missionary, to go serve God in some place He calls me to, but with a worldview in mind, it seems, financials, family, attachment are hindering me, and now it has boil down to being: get a job, pay off loans, make comfy a life for parents, and then whatever else. When will i ever achieve anything i originally set out to do?

A good friend told me that this is where we trust God to take care of us and submit our plans to Him, but looking at my current state, will i be able to do that anytime soon?

I've fallen further away from the throne of God, i used to be many a things that is called christian, now i am just someone in this world trying to do the right thing.

How far i've come? It's a good question. Maybe i have been fed too much of what the world wants, and i conformed, maybe i am being ignorant, maybe i am being selfish, maybe i just dislike obeying God. Whatever it is, i am now here, broken relationships, distant religion, insecure, fear of the past, worries of the future.

I am sad i left my church so abruptly, even more sad the disapproving eyes i received.

I am sad that my closest friends are now an acquaintance.

I am sad that i have not the courage to amend my wrongdoings.

I am sad i am not man enough to say sorry.

But one thing i am glad, is that i am still alive, and though time is running out, there are always second chances if i take it.

Dear you,

Sorry for being a dick, disrespectful and above all, an idiot. I never took account of what you have to go through, never thought that it is sometimes forced, not by choice. Sorry i haven't said sorry, and knowing myself, probably it will be that way awhile.

Dear you,

Sorry for not letting it go, sorry that now we just say hi and bye and that i cannot tolerate a lot of things about you.

Dear you,

Thank you for sticking around, though not long i knew you, at least now we're here.

Dear God,

Sorry for ending up like this. Sorry for not living up to my name. Sorry.

Let the coming 2 weeks be a time of refreshing =)

-I Come, I Live, I Draw The Pictures In My Life-

Draw Thy Swords!

Two more days and i am off to bangkok.

But the seemingly short holidays after exams are good. Meetin

g new people, hanging out with good friends.

Getting back into the gaming groove, i lost it. After intense guitar hero-ing, i realized i slacking in playing my actual guitar, argh, all the talks of improving all tak jadi.

I wonder, why are christians the worst judge?

Sometimes living in this world, it seems the christians are the ones persecuting the christians, nay, i talk not of other places but only places i've been, lest you think me short sighted and already prejudging me.

I think, if not for a few buddies of mine sticking with me despite the different viewpoints we have, i'd already will be somewhere else.

It seems true that some people say christianity is a product of groupthink.

I like to think that christians have more brains to think for themselves than to blindly follow men made rules, yes, even church rules.

We should be shrewed, wise and thinkers, not programmable minds to just follow and blindly submit, i urge you christians to start thinking with God in mind, and not adhere to just rules and regulations that are "right" because your leaders say so, question them! Be like the bereans!

Check everything with God and His word.

I'm not perfect, but i'm no slacker either. Let the church evolve with the world, but you stay God-centered.

-Up?-

Poetic Attempt

I am a boy.

I like lots of toys.

I am not a girl.

If i was, people would go "eyeer".

I play the guitar.

Dream of being a rockstar.

Never coming true.

'Cause they say I like Abba, and thats not cool.

I got good friends.

They're like sweets in my pants.

Most of them are single.

Especially Keren, who no one wants to mingle. (BURN)

I am straight.

Stop asking! Only girls i'll date!

You want proof you say?

I like Pride and Prejudice, is that okay?

I am going to get kutuked for this post.

Especially from my 'good' friends the most.

I know my sexual orientation!

Just give it time for implementation!

Tabulated Rasa

Exams. Period.

Friend commented my blog not informative enough about how i am doing if they need a quick update.

So here it is:

Exams, before semester break, ends on next week wed. Then 4 days left before i fly to the land of elephants, supposedly to have a mission trip, but what is yet to come is yet to be made known to me, so i cannot say much of it yet, just awaiting?

Gonna come back around early May, then run my thesis research project! Then finally, almost to grad.

Life's been alright, save for a bunch of stuff going on. A friend who i see periodically in a year, came up and say, "Hey, everytime i come back, i always ask of you, and you are always going through a rough patch!" Aiks, really ah?

No wonder Rach tagged me in FB that me = drama queeen.

Not funny, but amusing. heh.

Still struggling with certain christian teachings, can't embrace it fully, but am going to church a bit more consistent now, if you were wondering. Back to my roots my current churchmembers tells me, been awhile, been awhile, more than erm, 12 years? ha.

On a another note, currently everywhere is plunged into problems and problems, the country, the church, the system, is it because i grew up, therefore i know more? Was i ignorant before? Or is it that the world is heading towards a hellhole that Jesus was talking about?

Either way, why am i still putting more interest in myself than other things in the world that are much more meaningful than i am?

Fallen nature of humanity? Or nature vs. nurture?

Bah. Questions. Ridiculous.

Let me live.

-Farscape-

Majoring!

Story from the past:

How I was a reluctant exhibitionist:

Back in the year 1995, i broke my right thigh bone while walking down the street to buy breakfast, yup, its an age old story i told a gazillion times.

So long story short, i ended up in UH (universiti hospital), now life was good, except that i was placed ina children's cancer ward, where people come and go faster than i can change my underwear. It was horrible, sound of children screaming was tiresome and gives me the nightmares.

Anyway one fine day, the doctors were bringing the interns for the usual rounds, and they came to my ward. I was bottomless, due to the enormously huge cast from my waist till the tip of my toes, so i was usually well covered.

In all randomness and humor, my dad took my blanket to wash just before the doctors came to see my condition, they definitely saw more than my conditions.

So being exposed, i was panicking, my junk was hanging, terribly uncomfortable, plus the doctors were giggling and making fun of it, ok, i don't know if they were actually laughing at it, i assume so because i repressed it already.

so was the first time i exhibit my thing, and years later, i am now very self-conscious, and if i were to draw any lessons from the event itself, it would be that i understand the usage of underwears now.

The End.

-Cold, cold heart-

Trial Ran

Thesis 1 handed up!
yay!
Exams coming, not so yay, not studying yet hehe

the older i get, the more cynical i become, the more ignorant i become.

i couldn't care less for a lot of things now which used to matter a lot to me, but rather, i care for the little things that seem insignificant, like the rain drops on my roof, the silent nights that accompanies me through my busiest time, the small walks alone down a quiet road, the sight of kids playing in the park.

Its the smallest thing that makes me realize that there is a bigger force at work, and that life in KL is too fast and furious (pantas dan garang, cinema translation), i met a guy at a party earlier, saying life back in his place was slow and laid back, people were smiley and was good, but coming here to KL was a culture shock.
When did life took a dive?

Gone are the days where we worry not what to do or where to go. Now life is a vicious brutal cycle, a bitch as some would call it.

You live to study, get a paper, work, settle down, get married, have kids, wait for them to grow up, retire and die.
I think its stupid, to live life like that.
Of course some would argue in between they do loads of other meaningful stuff, but what is meaningful?

In view of my upcoming graduation, i find life to be such a dick, that i supposedly have to find a job to pay off loans and be financially stable, if not i wouldn't have a gf, or something i could cling on to when times are hard.
I say.... its true, as much as i try to dream of other things, to travel the world, to live day by day as it comes, but it is unpractical, mom would worry and friends would despise.
If only life were more of a movie flick, where everything will work out in the end.
Life, one chance, one wrong turn, you're screwed. Well, most of the time anyway.

In another note, home is like a prison. hahaha

Oh yea, one more thing, why is everyone telling me they heard i am seeing someone??
IF I HAVE A GF, PLEASE TELL ME WHO IS SHE!
Got already like few people in the past month saying someone said i am going out or seeing someone, when there is no one wei, if somebody knows something about me that i don't know about, tell me, why am i the only one that doesn't know i have a gf???

-Prince Charming, I'm in love!-

Blind April

Last week of studies for this sem, then exams, then off to Bangkok for 2 weeks!

how am i gonna survive 2 weeks there?

April's fool was a letdown, then only fooling around was just me not doing work and reading up internet pranks rather than me with a fling with some random girl (hence, fooling around)

Attended a talk saying we should face our dark side of self in order to grow spiritually.

My thesis proposal is almost out of the way, that's good news, now the problem is running it and graduate.

Graduation: what am i gonna do when i do graduate? work and move out? I wish everything would fall into place like an automated self solving jigsaw puzzle. Will i end up doing a 9-5, confined and defined by a cubicle? Or can i do what i want and be happy? Or will i like so many others, my dream will crash in a horrifying car accident and burn to death?

Nightmares: 1) my whole family+extended family wanted to go somewhere, but seats in the car not enough, so they abandoned me, i found a friend who was nearby and treated me nice, then when i was about to leave, he became a monster and i couldn't leave. Woke up terrified.

2) A smartass tutor called my experiment crap. I woke up panicking.

Current dressing: Pink old Cf t-shirt with flower in front, holey pants, unkempt hair.

Movies watched in the past one week: Talentime (Yasmin Ahmad), Fast & Furious (Pantas dan Garang 4) and Confessions of a shopaholic (Jerry Bruckheimer), later: Taken (I wished it was Tekken instead =(   

Current Dreamgirl: Jordana Brewster (hot in Fast and Furious and Chuck and Fast and Furious again)

Current Cravings: Ice Blended Coffee

Thinks: stuff.

Maths Part 1

Equations:

chinese tea with ice + soya bean ice + coke ice = disaster in the toilet

1 + up = one extra life to mario

Horny gay guy + prejudice straight guy = hilarity

Jack Bauer + death = Jack wins

porcupine stuck to a chair seat + guy who has been standing for 5 days in a room with only two spaces for him to only stand and the chair with porcupine = best comedy movie ever

Caprice 6 + Boomer/Athena/Sharon 8 = Every man's fantasy (BSG fan only)

Bill Adama + (insert BSG fan name) = best couple ever (regardless of gender)

lordson + studies = epic phailed

lordson + (anything resembles a female) = miracle

ex-gf + current gf = ex-plosion

100 bottles of coke + 5 year old kid = invisibilty

20 mugs of beer + no condom + KL streets = you better really kiss dating goodbye

lordson + 2 am = coming up with lame equations

Monash Uni + HELP Uni = MO-HELP

Kim + father with surname Chee = Kim Chee

Keren + Slim = impossible

Barney the purple dinosaur + most people = Barney punching bag

Simon Yau + Soccer = Simon replying, "IT'S CALL FOOTBALL!"

Hoc Mun + physics degree = incompetent physicist (sorry hoc mun, i apologize for the joke)

you + reading this post till this point = idiot

-9-5-

You're On Notice!

Stop spelling it wrong!

Cum does not equal come

Bai does not equal bye

U does not equal you

XD does not equal face with cross-eye

Luv does not equal love

Wtf does not equal world taekwando federation

Fo sho does not equal for sure

TFK does not mean the fat kid

WoW literally means wow!

Especially LOL does not mean you are laughing it out loud, at most you are giggling it internally, that makes it GII!

Get it right, even worse when it is spotted in formal writings and assignments!
HahahahaHAahahahah
GG, =.=", hahahaahahahaahaha

-Who Dat Gal?-

There Not Here

Life. Tangled lines. Everyone crosses everyone at one point, and if you make a chart out of it, it would look messy.
Conversations. Within 5 lines, you could tell a lot from that person. Even with zero, it says something.
People. Some people live within their own walls. Opening when they feel like it, ignoring the rest.
Effect. One small deed spills over to another, and yet another, and disaster ensues.
Escape. Just run.
Suicide. Why people even think of it is a mystery.. 5 years ago. Now - it made sense.
Life. Tangled lines. To untangle it takes too much effort. Cut it off, less time, less effort.

-Here nor There-

Awesome

Still interested in performing this for a wedding with full suits on.

Stats

I like to believe role-playing games are just electronic version of life. For the most part they got it right, evil people like to be hooded until the very end of the reveal, hot girls usually appear in life if you are a badass, violence solves everything, snarky and witty remarks are funny and offending and it works, you are usually cool if you only wear one outfit most of the time, raw meat and herbs gives you life, the list goes on and on.

But one thing i think that made a lot of sense was how the talent points of a given character are distributed.
In most rpgs, your main character started off as a blank, then they give you a set of points to allocate towards the skills and build of your character, and as life goes on, you gain experience and can improve some more, till either you game over or some evil wizard cast a spell on you to deduct some of those points (screw you sorcery!!)

so well, i just wanted to see my growth, and so here are my stats, each category is tabulated a score over 10:

when i as a baby:
Physique (cuteness): 11/10
Pooping Skills: 9/10
Power to summon attention: 9/10
Dumbass-ness: -1/10
Persuasiveness skill (crying): 8/10

When i was in primary school:
Physique: 6/10
Intelligence: 8/10
Power to summon punishnment unintentionally: 10/10
Annoying Skill: 9/10
Attractiveness: 2/10
Gaming Skill: 7/10
Ability to spend more time than i had in cyber cafes: 10/10
Skill of ignorance: 11/10
Pooping Skills: 9/10
Peeing accurately skill: 4/10
Eating Skill: 7/10

When i as in high school:
Phsyique: 8/10
Intelligence: 8/10
Attractivenss: 1.5/10
Gaming skill: 2449/10
Pooping skills: 10/10
Peeing accurately skill: 2/10
Girls hate me by default skill: 9.75/10
Girls hate me because of what i did skill: 24/10
Talking Skill: 7/10
Geek: 8/10
Nerd: 8/10
Loser: n/a
Getting rejected umpteenth times skills (regardless of situation): 9/10
Still watching Dragonball and other stuff ability: 10/10
Tendency to be gay: 1/10

Currently in Uni:
Phsyqiue: -2/10
Intelligence: 1/10
Attractiveness: -5/10
Gaming skills: 9999/10
Pooping anywhere i like skill: 11/10
Peeing Accurately skill: 1/10
Peeing as fast as i can: 9/10 (substanstiated by my friends, ask them, i dare you)
Tendency to be gay: 9/10
Babe magnet skill: n/a
girls wanting to go out with me: n/a
nerd: 10/10
geek: 10/10
loser: ZOMGWTFBBQ/10
wisdom: ?
ability to see the future: 10/10
bullshitting skills: 10.5/10

verdict: You're Screwed.

-Morning has Broken-

Retro Respect

Action has consequences.

What you do now, has an impact on what is to come. It's like a video game, on choice inevitably leads to another choice which will then result in an ending befitting of those choices.
Some may come an bite you back in the ass, some opens up a world of colors, some has lessons well learnt, some just really makes you wanna shoot yourself.


Even when choices are for the greater good, or so you think, it will never truly be seen that way through the eyes of others.

We get beaten down by those choices that seem unwise and affects others, i had my fair share on it.
But we hold on, we come up, and we move on.

A counselor asked: Given the chance, what is the one thing you would change of yourself?
My answer: Plenty could be changed, plenty could be reversed so i wouldn't need to regret, but, no thanks, i am glad that where life has took me, for better or worse, i turned out alright, and lfie wouldn't be as interesting if it weren't for the mixture of bad and good.

So, question is, how are you going to fully utilize the choices you make for a higher purpose?

-Cycle-

Are You Ready?

How can one be ready in such a world?
Such a world is overrated.
We spend an entire life preparing for things to come we neglect the present and all of its opportunities.
Far sight vs near sight.
Prudent to think ahead, but fool to ignore the present.
Unwise to only be the present, ignorant to only dream dreams.
Balance, maybe?
Balance it should.

Guess what i'm trying to say is, i am afraid to graduate.

-One for the lady, two for the girl, three for the one down under-

2 Shows 1 satisfaction

I attended two shows today.

Number 1: Dragonball Evolution

IT'S HORRIBLE!! honestly, i almost wanted to cry in the cinema, it was so horrible, the characters were out, they made Goku a wimp and he actually likes a woman! (contradicts the comic quite a bit), Bulma was over-acting, YamCha or Yamu was an bloody idiot, i blame the actor! Chow Yun Fatt was horrible!! They modernized it, and it was HORRRIBLE!

The shen long dragon was short in length, no voice, they screwed the whole story up, the origins were all rewritten, Goku's race of Saiyans was probably neglected and now he is a new breed, the gorilla was small and stupid, at most, AT MOST i'd say Gohan, Goku's grandpa was the only decent character.

Piccolo was butt ugly! He didn't had his suit on, was defeated too easily.
IT WAS STUPID! most disappointing? STEPHEN CHOW! He was credited as the producer, i expected MORE, more DAMMIT!

SCREW YOU HOLLYWOOD! Don't touch my Metal Gear Solid!!!!

sigh.

Number 2:
Barry and Stuart!!!

Check out their link!!
They are comedian magicians from the UK, specifically Scotland! and they are freakin' funny!!!
Yea its expensive, the tickets, but they were totally engaging, they were lame, they were funny, very interactive, some tricks were disgusting but pretty original!
Kesian they had so few audience, like only 1/8 of the hall, it's so sad because THEY ARE SO GOOD!

Catch them before they leave!
GO here: http://www.klpac.com/Welcome.asp?c=whatsontheatreview&theatreID=282&theatrecatID=5

Last show this weekend, catch them!! Go!

They were funny, but i don't wanna spoil anything if you planned to watch, maybe i will tell you all after they leave, but its worth it!!
ok can't say more, if not give away their show. =)

But to top it all was the great company to watch with!

-Barry and Stuart-

I HATE YOU!!

WHY HOLLYWOOD??????WHY???????????????????????????????????????????

I thought..

I think that all humans are flawed, its the extent of how flawed, well of course, physical flaws are normal, like how some people have all the muscles in the world, wooing all the girls with his two gigantic arm muscles he names betty and veronica, then goes on dates with them, and those you thought you had a shot with now thinks you some kind of flabby loser and refuses to go out or even be near you, your self-esteem leaped off the building splattering the floor before whilst this muscular guy have all the fun in the world, goes on being a successful businessman since no brainers associate muscles with intelligent and irrationally inaccurately depicts a high correlation between them but you are still here struggling to meet ends meet, on top of that he is happily married with a poolside bangalow while you are renting some crappy house with barely enough time to meet new girl contacts.

But what i really meant to say was that all of us have flawed thinking.

Some think they are infallible and they fall.
Some think are invincible only to be hurt.
Some think they can be independent but rely on others later.

So why do we have flawed thinking? If we were given a superior brain, how come we are still as stupid as ever?
How do we eventually become smarter?
Independent thinking? Deviate from mainstream?
but by not following one faction of thought you actually subscribe to another.
By being neutral, we are being lukewarm, and as The Witcher says, it only takes so long before your you are forced to pick a side.

Flawed thinking.

Mine is:
- i'm awesome

and

- you're not



Shoutout: Keren! er, you still bumming at ya house ah? how come never see you around? oh wait, you flew off ah? since when? ah, buzz me when you drop out of uni again la ok? ciao!

-Emerge-

Sometimes words fail us.

-Rawr!-

Sky is Blue

Realizing every one us ain't so different after all.
Our perception of others are flawed.
That we are going through the same earth.
We don't comprehend, but we can understand,
That each of us are just running together in a long marathon.
Say what we wanna say,
We ain't so different after all.
The world seems like a much better place again.

-Where you are is where I'll be-

God PC or Mac?

If God were to use computers, would he pick a PC or Mac?

Well, PC has windows the makes too much error, so not really consistent with God's characteristics.

But Mac has an apple as a logo, we all know someone ate the apple and sin, so not really reflective of God either.

PC has loads of apps made for it, but Mac has stable programs.
Bill gates vs Steve Jobs.
I think God will use neither, both two evil.
God probably uses his PDA - Powerful Divine Attributes.

Keren you leaving tomorrow?? Bye Bye S.A.D. =(
we had a good long run!

Question i will never answer: who is the one and only girl as of now that i actually regretted not trying to go for?
If you wanna know, make a date with my funeral, its probably a rock concert and the answer will be revealed there, so come la please. thank you!

-Viva Pinata!-