Aliens Vs. Me

-Even Aliens got a chance to be married, and me still single-

She

Her hesitance, her sighs,

Her woes are nigh,

Gaze upon the open greens,

Wondering if the end justifies the means.

Standing before her responsibility,

The endless cycle, the ungraitfying continuity,

She tires herself endlessly,

Never uttering a word, moving silently.

The pain she bore, she could never tell,

Though life was good, she was unwell,

As the water runs through her feet,

Tears come after, rolling down her cheek.

Who could rescue her at this time?

There was no crisis, no cry of help, no crime,

All she could do was open her eyes,

Weep silently, the unheard cries.

Helplessly one stand afar,

Looking at her, scar upon scar,

The agony of doing nothing,

The shame ever haunting.

When will the spinning end?

When will the Up High help to send?

Still ever strifing there she stands,

Her strength, her will to carry on, I could never understand.

30th May, 2009

-Lordson-

Song2

A lot of things to do, a lot to handle, yet i have no focus.

mid-terms, thesis experiment, things in life!

How do clowns juggle so many stuff in one go?

The key to change if vested within one individual, isn't it too much power and responsibility given?

Wonder how would Jesus have felt at the moment before the cross.

Was talking to a friend, we discussed the emerging trends of churches, it seems that once again the church faces trouble, could be politics, could be organization problems, what is true though is that a lot of christians are no longer christians.

Come to think of it, what differenciate us from others?

We come, we do all that is needed, we leave. It's been going on for years and years.

If we always adapt to the changing world, then we might as well don't subsribe to a religion.

Another friend said, "Jesus is actually a cool dude, it's the christians that make Him look bad."

Ouch, i have no qualms agreeing.

If we are the reason Jesus died on the cross, why are we now the reason of making Him look bad?

Ah, questions that probably could never be answered, another friend wrote on the blog that some things just can't be answered, why bother. I agree.

Sometimes, friends have the darndest things to say, and its true.

Childhood - perfect solace in an imperfect world.

-Emerging Times-

Girl

If i was a girl,

It'll make boys hurl,

Lipsticks abound, my hair twirls,

Prepare my coming, world!

If I were a lady,

Guys would ask me out daily,

or so i think, because i'm easy,

easy to mix with, you silly!

If i was a female,

I'd catch all the attention of males,

I'll be flocked with thousand of emails,

One of them probably is the prince of wales.

If i was a woman,

no men in the world to entice i couldn't,

i bet this poem has proven,

Me as a girl, will be awesome.

Sigh... why do i even bother posting up such post.

-Flatness-

Aerosmith

Thai do love their pink, i mean REALLY love them.

Pink Gazebo on a VERY hot day.

Pink Bench for your ass.

All pink building, oh gosh..

ALL PINK internet cafe, this is DA BOMB, 30 minutes in this, MY EYES LITERALLY HURT. Business idea fail!! FAIL! at least i hope it fails, damn.

Pink license plate, with Hello Kitty, UGH!

Pink Taxis?? WTH!

Pink BUS??!?!?!

PINK TOYOTA TAXI???

Pink fashion sense?!? (quite rampant in thailand)

Pink bicycle helmet?? This is getting worse by the picture!

l

Oh gosh, pink atm??? GIMME A BREAK! Withdrawing money also is pinkish, i surrender, you win! Dammit! YOU WIN THIS TIME!

Chasing The Wind

Yesterday, someone took me out for lunch, trying to understand and help me, prayed, and then told me that the seed within me was wrinkled and dried up, that i need to reach out to God.

It struck me that it's been this way for a very long time.

I tried returning, and yes, it helped, the thai mission trip, it helped too, but it didn't penetrate the core. I deceived myself by thinking i was returning by going to church, having theological debates. Those helped me see God a lil, but i was too far to touch Him.

Don't understand why. Sometimes i understand why some people refused to believe in Christianity, why some of them seem so adamant bout remaining anything but a Christian. But i don't know how to tell them anymore, that that is not the way to live.

I have the knowledge, not the passion.

Everything seems like it has lost its significance.

I used to see the world as exciting and colorful, now just desert upon desert. Not to say being emotional about it or anything. It just seems that i lost purpose in life. I very well know i could and would go work, get some cash, help the needy, bless my family, go travel and what not, but in the end, i just don't see where it all fits in with the moving world.

I feel like a walking ghost amongst the world, at home, i just do what i should do, and that's it. Conversations never go beyond "Any clothes to wash?" or "had lunch yet?"

Eye contact never go beyond the surface.

Amongst others, i'm there but not there. i enjoy the company, but after nightfall, i felt nothing.

I have no motivation to penetrate into groups anymore, no joy in trying to fit in, no care if i just go and leave.

What should matter doesn't, what shouldn't does.

I lie awake sometimes wondering what am i doing.

Sometimes i think i try too hard too much, or i don't at all.

There is no constant anymore, just waves.

I wish this was an emo post and that it is a phase.

If it really is, it is a very very long phase.

-Fastball-

Comments

Statements or comments directed to me while in Thailand (may not be quoted word for word):

"You got nice long silky hair"

"You've gained weight"

"No finding of thai wife during the trip"

"Learn how to dress up like them"

What would have been better would be:

"You are the most handsome m'sian i've ever seen"

"I wanna marry you"

"You probably taste as good as thai green curry"

"I wish you were here during songkran, wet...mmmm"

"You have more variety in you than all floating market combined"

"if you were here, tuk-tuk would be ***censored***"

Ok, with that, i probably should end, thailand, give more positive comments please! I come again soon, buck up!

-English Phail-

Dear Lord,

Keep my family in prayer.

With the new addition, mom has been stressed, for she has extra things to do.

Apart from that, there are others too.

Family needs prayer, will you, pray with me?

-Art In Heaven-

Hanging By A Moment

-Almost Complete-

This Is A Sketch

Another morning another day of classes.

The Thailand self-organized mission trip (wasn't self self, more of friend herself organized, thus the self) was good, learned a lot, maybe too much.

If i could just put my mind to it, i would put up posts here and there talking about it. Just not today.

If you all didn't know already, sister had a baby.

Amazing thing was, we didn't find out till after the baby was delivered.

How could that had happened? Well, i guess you just gotta come visit the baby, buy some gifts (Seriously we just need pampers) and we will tell you this tale, of course, alternatively just direct thy questions to me, my mom or sis.

But all in all, i guess i kinda failed as a brother, why did i not noticed she had a baby for that long?

Why was i ignorant? Why was I such a dick to my sister?

So many questions, no time to turn back.

What can i say? maybe i wrapped myself in my own world and problems and i decided to interpret everything i see and hear as what i want them to be.

I never ask her anything, she never tell. Since when we ended up becoming such strangers tied with blood?

Odd, frustrated yet somewhat amusing.

Sometimes i think i really am wasting space in my family.

I don't contribute, i constantly just am around.

Something to ponder about.

2009 is becoming a fairly interesting year.

Interesting, exciting, discouraging all at the same time.

Life. Such it is.

-Jealous-

Nothing Good Happens After 2 a.m.

Relationships aren't my forte.

I think i always been struggling with relationships, be it with family, friends, acquaintances or the most important - God.

And sometimes i wonder why God would wired me such way.

I hardly can get close to anyone, because i believe people will disappoint, i always think i am setting up myself for disappointment, so when i do get close to someone, i tend to have thoughts that leads me to shun the person off awhile until the friendship drops into the "just friends" zone, then i'll be normal again.

Or sometimes i create unnecessary arguments just so to prove my point that humans disappoint and this ending some friendships or destroying some.

That explains my lack of close friends.

Those who have stuck me by probably learned enough to know that i can be a douche and just deal with it, and i probably fought with them one way or another =p

With God, i am just like the Israelites, taking God for granted in good times and pursuing God in bad.

In the bible, it was considered like prostitution and cheating, so that makes me a whore?

In any case, it is worth pondering that why i am like this.

Could be my family upbringing, or my past that made me so, if only i could psychoanalyze myself as well as some of my friends do.

Well, i foresee a future where i'll one day just don't care and live life.

Till then, this will be a matter of concern.

Seeing how many failed friendships, failed girl friendships and countless countless failed God relationships i've made, i decided to stick with Lost's saying, "live together, die alone"

-Ooh? Dramatic Baby G! -

The Big C

Game plan has changed!

With the new addition and my impending graduation, stepping up is a must.

Mission trip post is coming.

I just haven't sort out stuff yet.

In the meantime, semester has not bog me down yet, so got time to think of stuff.

I guess one thing to ponder about is

seriously what am i gonna do after i grad?

Work definitely, but what else?

Fall into cliches?

Man, cliche, such a cliche word.

My nephew has brought joys to the family.

His name is Gideon, though, if you ask me, i'd like to name him something else.

why wouldn't anyone ask me for possible names??

Anyway, baby G still going hospital because of prolonged jaundice, poked his baby hands till got a number of holes to test blood, poor thing!

keep him in prayer.

And the family too.

Thanks

Good Morning, World!

-What?-

I am an uncle, eat that! The pic is my nephew. Before you ask me stupid questions, google definition of nephew.

That's Right!

-I'm Back Baby!-

How Far I've Come

In 12 hours time, i will be in Bangkok, and only God knows what will I and my friends be doing there. Everything now is in God's hands, I'll be back on May 11th. This blog will be left empty till then!

So here is one last post before i fly:

I am gonna turn 23 soon, and what has happened in the past 23 years? I think i kinda wasted a lot on it on myself, as in i bothered too much about myself, when there are much needed things to attend to, things much more important than my emotions and wants, not to say its bad, but i like to allocate resources to other things.

Up to this point, i am going to graduate, with no real vision in mind what to do after that, i feel like i'm drifting, but that is not what i had 3 years ago, time changes, and sometimes i cannot keep up, i like to be a missionary, to go serve God in some place He calls me to, but with a worldview in mind, it seems, financials, family, attachment are hindering me, and now it has boil down to being: get a job, pay off loans, make comfy a life for parents, and then whatever else. When will i ever achieve anything i originally set out to do?

A good friend told me that this is where we trust God to take care of us and submit our plans to Him, but looking at my current state, will i be able to do that anytime soon?

I've fallen further away from the throne of God, i used to be many a things that is called christian, now i am just someone in this world trying to do the right thing.

How far i've come? It's a good question. Maybe i have been fed too much of what the world wants, and i conformed, maybe i am being ignorant, maybe i am being selfish, maybe i just dislike obeying God. Whatever it is, i am now here, broken relationships, distant religion, insecure, fear of the past, worries of the future.

I am sad i left my church so abruptly, even more sad the disapproving eyes i received.

I am sad that my closest friends are now an acquaintance.

I am sad that i have not the courage to amend my wrongdoings.

I am sad i am not man enough to say sorry.

But one thing i am glad, is that i am still alive, and though time is running out, there are always second chances if i take it.

Dear you,

Sorry for being a dick, disrespectful and above all, an idiot. I never took account of what you have to go through, never thought that it is sometimes forced, not by choice. Sorry i haven't said sorry, and knowing myself, probably it will be that way awhile.

Dear you,

Sorry for not letting it go, sorry that now we just say hi and bye and that i cannot tolerate a lot of things about you.

Dear you,

Thank you for sticking around, though not long i knew you, at least now we're here.

Dear God,

Sorry for ending up like this. Sorry for not living up to my name. Sorry.

Let the coming 2 weeks be a time of refreshing =)

-I Come, I Live, I Draw The Pictures In My Life-

Draw Thy Swords!

Two more days and i am off to bangkok.

But the seemingly short holidays after exams are good. Meetin

g new people, hanging out with good friends.

Getting back into the gaming groove, i lost it. After intense guitar hero-ing, i realized i slacking in playing my actual guitar, argh, all the talks of improving all tak jadi.

I wonder, why are christians the worst judge?

Sometimes living in this world, it seems the christians are the ones persecuting the christians, nay, i talk not of other places but only places i've been, lest you think me short sighted and already prejudging me.

I think, if not for a few buddies of mine sticking with me despite the different viewpoints we have, i'd already will be somewhere else.

It seems true that some people say christianity is a product of groupthink.

I like to think that christians have more brains to think for themselves than to blindly follow men made rules, yes, even church rules.

We should be shrewed, wise and thinkers, not programmable minds to just follow and blindly submit, i urge you christians to start thinking with God in mind, and not adhere to just rules and regulations that are "right" because your leaders say so, question them! Be like the bereans!

Check everything with God and His word.

I'm not perfect, but i'm no slacker either. Let the church evolve with the world, but you stay God-centered.

-Up?-

Poetic Attempt

I am a boy.

I like lots of toys.

I am not a girl.

If i was, people would go "eyeer".

I play the guitar.

Dream of being a rockstar.

Never coming true.

'Cause they say I like Abba, and thats not cool.

I got good friends.

They're like sweets in my pants.

Most of them are single.

Especially Keren, who no one wants to mingle. (BURN)

I am straight.

Stop asking! Only girls i'll date!

You want proof you say?

I like Pride and Prejudice, is that okay?

I am going to get kutuked for this post.

Especially from my 'good' friends the most.

I know my sexual orientation!

Just give it time for implementation!

Tabulated Rasa

Exams. Period.

Friend commented my blog not informative enough about how i am doing if they need a quick update.

So here it is:

Exams, before semester break, ends on next week wed. Then 4 days left before i fly to the land of elephants, supposedly to have a mission trip, but what is yet to come is yet to be made known to me, so i cannot say much of it yet, just awaiting?

Gonna come back around early May, then run my thesis research project! Then finally, almost to grad.

Life's been alright, save for a bunch of stuff going on. A friend who i see periodically in a year, came up and say, "Hey, everytime i come back, i always ask of you, and you are always going through a rough patch!" Aiks, really ah?

No wonder Rach tagged me in FB that me = drama queeen.

Not funny, but amusing. heh.

Still struggling with certain christian teachings, can't embrace it fully, but am going to church a bit more consistent now, if you were wondering. Back to my roots my current churchmembers tells me, been awhile, been awhile, more than erm, 12 years? ha.

On a another note, currently everywhere is plunged into problems and problems, the country, the church, the system, is it because i grew up, therefore i know more? Was i ignorant before? Or is it that the world is heading towards a hellhole that Jesus was talking about?

Either way, why am i still putting more interest in myself than other things in the world that are much more meaningful than i am?

Fallen nature of humanity? Or nature vs. nurture?

Bah. Questions. Ridiculous.

Let me live.

-Farscape-

Majoring!

Story from the past:

How I was a reluctant exhibitionist:

Back in the year 1995, i broke my right thigh bone while walking down the street to buy breakfast, yup, its an age old story i told a gazillion times.

So long story short, i ended up in UH (universiti hospital), now life was good, except that i was placed ina children's cancer ward, where people come and go faster than i can change my underwear. It was horrible, sound of children screaming was tiresome and gives me the nightmares.

Anyway one fine day, the doctors were bringing the interns for the usual rounds, and they came to my ward. I was bottomless, due to the enormously huge cast from my waist till the tip of my toes, so i was usually well covered.

In all randomness and humor, my dad took my blanket to wash just before the doctors came to see my condition, they definitely saw more than my conditions.

So being exposed, i was panicking, my junk was hanging, terribly uncomfortable, plus the doctors were giggling and making fun of it, ok, i don't know if they were actually laughing at it, i assume so because i repressed it already.

so was the first time i exhibit my thing, and years later, i am now very self-conscious, and if i were to draw any lessons from the event itself, it would be that i understand the usage of underwears now.

The End.

-Cold, cold heart-

Trial Ran

Thesis 1 handed up!
yay!
Exams coming, not so yay, not studying yet hehe

the older i get, the more cynical i become, the more ignorant i become.

i couldn't care less for a lot of things now which used to matter a lot to me, but rather, i care for the little things that seem insignificant, like the rain drops on my roof, the silent nights that accompanies me through my busiest time, the small walks alone down a quiet road, the sight of kids playing in the park.

Its the smallest thing that makes me realize that there is a bigger force at work, and that life in KL is too fast and furious (pantas dan garang, cinema translation), i met a guy at a party earlier, saying life back in his place was slow and laid back, people were smiley and was good, but coming here to KL was a culture shock.
When did life took a dive?

Gone are the days where we worry not what to do or where to go. Now life is a vicious brutal cycle, a bitch as some would call it.

You live to study, get a paper, work, settle down, get married, have kids, wait for them to grow up, retire and die.
I think its stupid, to live life like that.
Of course some would argue in between they do loads of other meaningful stuff, but what is meaningful?

In view of my upcoming graduation, i find life to be such a dick, that i supposedly have to find a job to pay off loans and be financially stable, if not i wouldn't have a gf, or something i could cling on to when times are hard.
I say.... its true, as much as i try to dream of other things, to travel the world, to live day by day as it comes, but it is unpractical, mom would worry and friends would despise.
If only life were more of a movie flick, where everything will work out in the end.
Life, one chance, one wrong turn, you're screwed. Well, most of the time anyway.

In another note, home is like a prison. hahaha

Oh yea, one more thing, why is everyone telling me they heard i am seeing someone??
IF I HAVE A GF, PLEASE TELL ME WHO IS SHE!
Got already like few people in the past month saying someone said i am going out or seeing someone, when there is no one wei, if somebody knows something about me that i don't know about, tell me, why am i the only one that doesn't know i have a gf???

-Prince Charming, I'm in love!-