Everything

The cold air breathes through the sky

Hours from now the sun will be set on high

The small time frame of peace and quietness

Is an asylum for those whose mind is restless

For depths of conversations are explored

And bridges of thoughts often restored

The silence of night brought forth memories

Of which with time it carries

Stripped off the walls of distraction

To eyes revealed now the deception

Of the world filled with lies and fears

In the night it all becomes clear

Silent chuckle as the thought arises

That the still of the night comes with surprises

Friendship built friendship burned

Contrast to the day the world is turned

Night feels like the brightest hour

In day ourselves we often cower

Absence of the burning ball we often find

A true sense of ourselves a true peace of mind

I remember thee a friend in the past

Inhibitions lowered to one another we easily trust

It became more than just a distant memory

It transcended barriers and made history

Imprinted in the drawer of the heart

Locked with the key away I tucked

As the night falls apart

To slumber I go to anticipate a fresh start

"And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you" 

-Everything-

-Lifehouse-

Boulevard

I think i am like intentionally.

Playing the game when it really isn't.

They all moved on, i should too :\

She moved on. Time for me to stop moping and start coping.

A door closes doesn't mean another will be opened.

Guess gotta find that window of opportunity.

"Just this once, just for now, just like that, it's over." - Belle of the Boulevard, Dashboard Confessionals

Tainted

Recently played in an open mic with good friends and bandmates (We're called Two Wongs Don't Make A Wright) at The Bee, Jaya One.

Nervous, really was shaking. A lot of good performers up there, doing originals, and here we are, doing two covers one original from my frontman. I wasn't prepared, i know i sucked at stage performing.
But we did it. I think we did alright. It wasn't great as the ones before us, and trust me, the ones before us are actually good.

I felt at that moment, something in me lit up. A sense of excitement.

I've been following a friend's tumblr (blog). And he wrote on his experiences in Germany, i am envious of him, i want to be there, the things he do there or find there is what i am looking for.

That new found sense of excitement, it made me believe i can still be something i want to be, do something i want to do for so long.

I know i've been a whiny bitch for the last 20 posts. I blamed it on work, but it really is just me, isn't it?

If i don't like how i live my life right now, let me build my own wings and fly.
Life ain't gonna give me a pair of  wings and whisk me away to a faraway land.
No, that is naive, i want things changed i will have to get my hands dirty.

I want my friends to understand, i will make the effort.

I want to be happy, i have to work for it.

I know i ain't such a good follower of God anymore, but i don't want to lose sight of Him.

This new found excitement, has to be searched everyday, the purpose of living, is not this, this is not the end.
It's just the beginning.

tainted
has our love gone cold
in a place that's bitter and broken
we tasted of a world I know
surely there must be something better
something forever

hello
from the world below
I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

walking
past the city lights
silence can be so disturbing
you'll find me standing in the night
the stars never seem so unending
so unending 

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
well I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

we painted
whitewashed everything
when all that remains are
shadows of the stains
tell me
where did we go wrong
can we just move on

hello
from the world below
while I'm watching the sun burning
as the road is slowly turning
when I know
that in letting go
I'm learning how to live
through a life I have to give

hello
to the world below
while I'm watching the world spinning
this night seems so unending
well I'll follow
to a place I know
that's only the beginning
start over after ending


-The Beginning, Lifehouse-

Cranberries

I just got up from an almost infinite loop of dream.

I kept dreaming i was dreaming and struggled to wake up.

I was in a deep sleep phase.

But i was conscious in my dreams and even in my dreams that i was dreaming that i was dreaming.

It was scary, and the fear of never waking up came across my mind.

I realized, things in the movies such as this not so cool in real life.

Disclaimer

I know whoever my readers are, they will read the post just below this one and then say they know who i am referring to, i will tell you now, it is based on my opinions but not referring to anyone in particular. I hate to have people talking behind my back and accusing me of things that i don't like.

If you feel deeply offended by what i've written, and you would like to argue, maybe take a minute of two to think why were you offended, could it actually be that you are trying to defend yourself?
Think about that, then come confront me, i will gladly hear you out with an open mind. I promise.

Road Taken

It comes to mind the poem "The Road Less Taken" whenever i sit to think what have i done to my own journey.

But it isn't easy to take the road that people travels least on, because we're conditioned to do the popular, to conform. When we think we can easily not conform, we'd find ourselves just being alone, cast away by others.

The feeling of being not included can be quite a bitch sometimes.

But the comfort of it all, is knowing you have friends sticking by you. As we walk in life, most of our friends will drop out from our life, but that does not mean they were wrong or are to be blamed for. It is just they had to go another way which might be parallel to yours but just at a different area.

What i find sad is, that people you've know the longest of time, start to wither away, then when you try to find them, others close to him/her will say "it's a pity". People you expected less of then becomes the torch bearer and light your way.

Sad.

A person who throws away a noble decision and calling for the exchange of monetary glory is despised by me.

Call it what you want. When a person ditches a long time vision for the sake of man made paper, you lose all forms of respect from me. Go ahead, justify, i bet i can do better by presenting to you hard facts to tell you why i  disagree.

The worst of them all, is those you think are walking with you, and they are, but there is no conversation going on, just the usual "hi" and "bye", the occasional meet ups to acknowledged that you are still friends with another, and to throw in a couple of deep insights to maintain "closeness" yet to be distanced from one another.

The one that breaks your heart, that makes you feel like you rather be in hell, the one that should have been there for you but did not, should have listened but offered a deaf ear, the one that will say "You have changed" but never took time to understand.

The one that is capable of breaking you down.

The one that kills you with their silence.

Those are the ones... the ones that should stop quoting God and say they believe in Him when the people around them suffers in agony but was turned away.

You, my friend, should really think of what you've done to everyone with your non-doings. 

A lethal weapon.

I am tired.

Mean Green

I am unstoppable.

I will not be stopped.

I will move on.

Breaking through.

Walking On Twos

53.

Seems like such a big number but yet didn't come far from whence we started off.

I never want to leave.

I get all worked up when i hear people just condemning the country but not lifting a finger to do anything.
How are we any different from the pharisees?
Or the Big Brother from the Prodigal Son? Someone told me that back in those days, the big brother is responsible for the younger siblings, when the prodigal son took off, the big brother just stood and watched, while trying to please the father to get the inheritance and favor.

It is easy to sit aside and do nothing, but to do something, though painful and will be hated for, might be worth something.

When young people want to migrate and say this country is hopeless, i would argue to death about why i disagree.
I just don't understand.

My body wants to leave this country to see places, but my heart will alway remain here, where it belongs, where God puts it.

If i truly love my God, i would stay in this country unless told otherwise.

Though it saddens me to see how this nation has derailed since independence, but sincerely,

Happy Merdeka Day.

Heathen

Good friends are hard to come by

Good friends who stand by you are harder to come by

But the rarest of them all

Are friends who can be raw and says "you're the friend who will never say such things to me"

Thank you.

AirWolf

After such a long time, i finally had a dream about you, and it was pleasant, it would have seemed to be that life rewound itself, and i found myself once again in your company, laughing, watching you smile, and making you laugh.

The feeling of being invincible, that life was at my grasps, as i wielded it as if i have total control over it.

The long ride have no end, the wind in my face, the rain washing away what i call my old self, i was happy, young, vibrant, hopeful, ever joyful.

The feeling of holding your hands the first time, as if it happened just last night, the thought of knowing how much you went just so we could meet, the gaze i want to have upon you just so i can start and end my day with a smile, the teasing of one another, the act of childishness.

All, bundled up in a 2 hour sleep.

Until i woke up, until i remembered you were gone.

I was left here.

Shattered, broken, afraid to love anymore, afraid of doing anything remotely exciting.

Mundane was me, with a heavy heart i bid thee farewell in silence, for you would never hear it, nor would you ever read it.

I sat alone, in my room, on my bed, drowning in my own thoughts and wants to call you, to hear you again, but nothing has changed.

A peaceful Sunday, it ends.

Waiting Room

"Live Together, Die Alone"
A saying brought to my attention by Lost.

No matter how much a person say they want to live alone, i believe it is hard to stay absolutely alone, at some point we always want company.

That begs me to question: Why are some people good and some are bad at it?

Those who aren't well verse in the arts of making friends or maintaining them has been driven to loneliness, depression and other activities that may suck their life away.

As humans, we are bastards as well, we want company but we want to choose our company, and that's why a whole lot of people are just simply - alone.

I used to think that i should lay it all out there in front me, and whoever can accept me for just who i am and i for who they are, then we would be friends, but i find that a lot of people just don't want to see other people's true self, we're so quick to label "emo", "weird", "desperate" on those who just want to be themselves.

So easy to look upon someone who dresses oddly and say "hey look at 'im, he probably wants attention, that poor asshole"
But what if he just really likes to be that way?

I find it hard, i admit we need to at least filter, but when i lay it all out there, there are a lot of rejections, and when i confront them, they just shrug it away saying i am sensitive or that it's all in my head and ask me to stop being whatever i was.

Point made.

In the working world, yea, i want to be all awesome and cool, but the fact is i'm tired (not always) and sometimes i just look miserable, the whole eczema thing isn't helping either.

It just seems harder to get on these days, what with my plans is indefinitely on hold, i can't figure out who to be when i'm out there, whenever i am down, the only thing people can say "Jesus loves you" and stuff.

Well, i know Jesus loves me, the only reason i am still like that is because i still have hope in Jesus.

But please, stop pushing Jesus into my face as if HE is yours to give.

Live Together, Die Alone.

When i find that someone to live with, i think dying is not such a scary thought after all.

"They all believe there's someone watching over you
They're watching every single thing you say
And when you die 
They'll set you down and take you through
They'll realise one day
That the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side
We all try hard to live our lives in harmony
For fear of falling swiftly overboard
But life is both a major and minor key
Just open up the chord
But the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side"
- Travis, Side-

Tri Lights

The person in the mirror never talks back

Never looks at you any different than how you view your self.

But the person in the mirror does show you who you are.

And that, is sometimes the scariest thing to see.

The winds

They sweep through the lands

but never stay

Never stop to chatter

Life is but a thread

Vulnerable, easily disposed of

Life

If i'm not your bitch

then you are mine.

Black Eye That Speaks

It was a sweet escape.

Somewhere far, somewhere isolated, somewhere where i can be me.

Good company helps too.

Myanmar, a place of oddity and poverty at the same time. This is one trip that might be hard to forget.
It's not the part where the military controlled the country, or the fact that people there seemed to be so chilled or even the fact that it's full of history and colonial buildings that resembles the past and stood once in glory but now a rotting relic.

It's just a trip that once you put behind things like responsibilities, obligations and selfish ambitions, you see everyone as they are.

Old eyes, patched faces, children on the street begging, cut off from most of the world, barely surviving.

I don't feel pity or sorry for them, no, why would i? Rather, this is their life, and though we would think they may be unhappy, they could have more, but maybe they are just happy.

Flip.

Benches along the lake all occupied, lovers cuddle openly with an umbrella as a form of privacy statement, street football.

It is funny the world is physically huge but it is small at the same time.

I miss.

"So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
-Lifehouse-

Poppy Cock

It's August
Yes Captain Obvious
Why won't it rain?

It's hard to find a decent conversation to invest in. I had it a few nights back.

Who knew one incident could lead to so much happenings? Who knew that the mask i put on would be misleading? Who fucking knew?

(insert LOL)

I find it hard to be in the corporate sector, hard to adapt, i wasn't well at adapting anyway, feel like hard to connect with people.
We end up talking the same shit, day after day, how sucky our day was, how bad the job is.
We make no improvements.

Come, challenge me into a debate, a fist fight, my thanatos instinct is kicked into high drive mode.

The point is, no one truly just want to talk, or listen.

We all like noise, we make loads of them, but never words, words that means something.

When we do get into something meaningful, people are easily agitated, no one wants to sit and converse, it always has to be my way or the highway.

I miss my talking buddies, over the years,some just left, some thinks i've changed, some just have focus somewhere.

Hey, what's up?

You're here

That's cool

Weaver

I met you, you were as i remembered: skinny jeans, blue top, black rimmed spectacles, hair long and bewildering, eyes that burn through the eyes of those who meets it, smile that is infectious.

It was wild, we were in a parking lot, late at night, as i wrestled with the thought of survival, you clasped my hand, pulled me towards you, as suddenly a group passed us by.

In a blink of eye, you were taken away from me and you screamed, but oddly, i couldn't make out the words, i see waves of sound, but the words did not formed.

I tried hard to get you back.

Then i woke up.

I saw you outside of my dream, and you did not remember a single thing, how could you not?
But then, how could you have?

What i experienced in the dream, is not what you have experienced.

I, just sit there, watching you, watching the time you did not remember anything from my dream.
And my world turned grey.

I woke up.

Driving aimlessly to where i don't know

On the road the wheels spin

The rain washing everything anew

The radio drowning the silence away

Driving, the end you do not know where

You've got a feeling it's all going to work out

And so, the key leaves the ignition

Saving up for another drive

A drive that would one day get you to where you want to go

Maybe then, you can tuck it away

And finally say "i'm here"

It's you isn't it?

Stop.

Just stop,

Pumpkin

Something about the wee hours of the morning that makes people be more genuine, could be the tiredness from the previous day, or generally calmed and relax, hence lower their defenses.

I missed the days where we could just chat from 12 to 3, 2 -5.

Now, all I ever do, is think of "what if"

Inane

Ideals often are regarded as a fool's dream. Often labeled as unrealistic.
But without them, we may just subject ourselves to conformity and is as good as giving your freedom away.

We chase money, and never has money chase us, money is a bitch.

But if you take a step back, people without money can be equally as happy, then why do we still crave for it so much? Is it because the stuff money can be exchanged for is so tempting that we cannot be grateful?

Is the sweeper by the road unhappy? Or the tea lady at your company miserable?
I have no idea, but one thing is for sure, if one cannot live in the moment with what they have, i'm sure they cannot live in the future when they have a lot more.

Gratefulness. Sometimes, we just need a pinch in our arm to remind us:

We

Are

Alive

I  watched as you walk away.

And then it became a gloomy day.

Wanted

I want to watch the clouds move when the rain is falling,
To fall asleep with the sound of rain drops on the tin on the floor.

I want to run in a meadow filled with the color green,
and to lie awake staring at the birds in the sky.

I want to climb a mountain, to the top,
be short of breath literally and metaphorically.

I want to photograph the moonlit sky hanging over Paris,
see the city come alive with the lights flooding it.

I want to be covered in mud,
holding hands as we traverse the forest barefooted.

I want to play guitar on the street,
Sing as people walk by, a smile for my effort would be nice.

I want to jump off a cliff, into the ocean below,
creating a splash and sink into the deep blue with life bubbling around.

I want to sit on a hill, watching the stars in the sky,
talking to you, writing poems about our adventures.

I want to be a farmer, by the river i build a house,
as long as we're happy, we will live quietly as the days go by.

I want ride a bicycle into town,
buying loaves of freshly baked bread, to share over a cup of tea.

I want to go fishing, in a gushing river,
where fishes jump to catch a breath of air.

I want to drink hot cocoa by a warm fire,
without words travelling, but the silence keeps us company.

I want to run cross country,
braving rains and scorching sun, but still knowing that i'll reach there someday.

I want a lot of things, but not everything.

All i really want now, is to know something is waiting for me out there, where i can be me.

20 boxes of Match

The silence, oh how i missed you.

Thinking back to high school days, the only time i get to think and enjoy time alone is at hours like this, the world around you asleep, the sound of silence is so deafening, so welcoming.

Work is getting heavier, plus with the band ongoing, it seems my nights are all taken up just by these few things, will have to start prioritizing.

Speaking of the band, really enjoy playing, but the commitment is tough, and booking a studio is not cheap, my frontman would suggest we go Indonesia because can play whole day and still afford it (yea he isn't local)

Working towards something isn't easy, but it's a motivation.

Friends come and friends go, i don't think i'll miss those who didn't really leave an impact on me, but rather, those i want to hang with must keep close.

Coherently incoherent, maybe i'm not as energetic as i used to be back in high school, still nights like this is hard to come by.

Pity, it has to end so soon.

"I like to make myself believe

That planet earth, turns, slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather

Stay awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting

At the seams"

Fireflies, Owl City

Empty Space

The Paradoxical House

To this date, two of my friends stood on a platform and spoke, words of grace and speaking of God flowed from their tongues, weaving into a beautiful coherent testimony of how God was evident in their life.

To this date, these two are one of those few people I respect a lot.

To know others fallen short and you yourself fall short of God's glory is not a pretty thing, it makes you feel lower than a piece of shit, but not low enough to throw yourself down a cliff.

I guess, time to pick up the bible again, time to commit, time to kneel down, time to rethink of things that I've been doing and not doing.

Maybe, it's time to live up to my name.

Lucid

A friend whom i have the pleasure to know, has decided to leave this country in pursuit of a life of settling down.

Some may call it foolish, unwise move, pathetic, but i fully support my friend.
It is noble, it is important, important to him, and that's what matters, we may disagree, we may not see it their way, but it's important to support friends.

But this, to go elsewhere just to bridge the gap of distance between you and the girl, it's an admirable thing to do, it's something to rejoice about, job you can always find, money is always there, set priorities right.

To this good friend, cheers, may life favor you.

For the rest of us, may it remind us of important things in life, things that you hold dearly to.

The Condition

I've been reading lonely planet articles and reviews, watching some National Geographic, my mind is playing games on me.

I have a very strong urge to just pack and leave, i don't mind being a sailor, or be a fisherman, as long as i am out of this place.

Life isn't bad, in fact, it's great, it's just, i want to be free, like horses running through the meadow plains, like fishes swimming in the vast oceans.

I want to go.

"I want to to be free from desolation and despair" - Map of the Problematique

Leaves

We never grow out of certain things, say, fear of clowns, hugging parents before sleep, doodle on everything.
Yet there are always things we do.

We compromise, we give up, we rationalize, we always "settle".

In just a short week, 3 of my good friends left the country, to different places for very different reasons.

It is nothing short of a joy i feel for them, moving past norms and transcends societal expectations. Being propelled to places unknown, it's like being born again. I wonder if this is the way life should be, is our inner voice telling us to settle down just something we inherit from culture?

Is love supposed to be following a schedule, or are all these a by product of just being within a community?

"No one wants to be defeated" So sang a famous entertainer who passed away way too soon. Yet by not feeling defeated, does it mean we are victorious? I could just tweak my mindset a lil', push certain pieces puzzle out of the picture, redefine standards, and i would no longer be "defeated", i'd be happy, for real, even if it means to compromise, that's not to sat it isn't a good thing, but is it?

I cannot add an ounce to which this life is given to me, i have only so much time left, and i sometimes spend it thinking and writing it down here, i think about all the past thinkers, thinkers whose philosophy gripped the world, but to what end? The more we know, the more we cannot "settle". This is why, i think, that a job isn't just a job, a degree isn't just a degree, the more we know, the more we have to work towards something more purposeful, even it means doing the same thing over and over again, it won't suck if there is meaning to it.

We drown ourselves in things that cannot satisfy, and i won't even bother to preach what can satisfy us.

To Justin who left this country in pursuit of a better life out there:
Life isn't what you expected it to be, it has never been kind, nor has it directed you to someplace you'd thought you'd be, people have loads of opinion, including myself, and who am i to bring up God? One thing i dare say, is that, being there, where you are, probably is the most fucked up scariest shit you may have done, leaving quite a lot behind, evidence by tears seen in your friend's eyes, having a family you loved and leaving them for the better or worse. I guess, i don't really care what choice you make there and how you are going to live your life there, one thing i'd like to ask though: stay alive.

A drop, on the leaves it weighs,

Contemplating to hold or let go,

Winds swept and winds howled,

Unforgiving was the sun,

Unkind was the clouds,

In cycles of darkness,

In repetition of light,

In former glory,

Arise again,

You.

Crystallized

Around a year ago, i was in Thailand with two friends having an awesome experience doing missions and enjoying the culture and cheap food there.

Around a year ago, i was struggling with thesis, trying to get participants, getting 15 laptops to run at the exact same time and at the exact same functions.

Around a year ago, i went to ipoh and taiping, feeling miserable over a girl, whom i cared too much for.

Around two years ago, i was bedridden for at least a month due to imbalanced fluid within the ear.

Around two years ago, good friends came to celebrate my birthday though i was sick and was impaired in speech.

Around two years ago, a childhood friend's mom was cremated, and for the first time, i hear my friend cry.

Around three years ago, i was in Malacca with my closest friends, having the time of our life.

Around three years ago, my sister had my college mates pooled in for a mp4 player for my birthday.

Around three years ago, i went for CF camp and made friends with people whom i am still friends with.

Around four years ago, i was in penang with my high school mates, chilling and awaiting university entrances results.

Around four years ago, i broke up with a girl.

Around four years ago, i begun a new life in university, hoping to write a new tale, a new beginning.

Around five years ago, i was worrying about STPM and struggling even to pass my subjects.

Around five years ago, i was still a hard rock Jesus freak.

Around five years ago, i was different.

Now, i am working, in a company which feels a lot like high school, or i feel like i am being the me i was back in high school, afraid, fear of failing, falling short.

Now, friends are flying off, i am happy for them, friends came back, i am overjoyed even though it isn't the same between us anymore, friends is going to come back, i do not know what to expect.

Now, far away from God, far away from church, resentful, cynical, dissatisfied, i don't know how i ended up here. People say go back to God, i don't know how.

Everyday is a struggle to keep dreams alive, a struggle to not do things i will regret.

I am thankful to be alive. Life is interesting.

Driver

Driving the streets around 2 am really opens up new perspectives.

The drive wasn't boring nor was it tiring, but rather enjoyable and carefree.

I had a destination. Therefore getting there is the fun part.

But it's when you just go about aimlessly is when the stress steps in.

No regrets, it's the hardest thing to have.

Rather if we frame it properly, stuff that's out of the control we graciously accept. Stuff that's in control, even simple things like the girl next door you always didn't have the guts to say hi to, that one job you didn't dare try, that few words you were afraid to mutter to someone you care deeply for, raising your hand to ask a question during lecture, we all can have a say in it.

It is regrets that we could avoid that cripples us, that makes us break down, and lose hope.
If i hadn't had the guts to quit my previous job, i wouldn't be happier, if i didn't try to do my experiment on my own and attempted something so troublesome, i wouldn't have felt proud and graduated with honor. That's not to say i didn't have any regrets, i did.

I was embarrassed of my mom once, i didn't had the guts to go for a girl, i didn't lend a helping hand to someone in need, i didn't have the bravery to face someone i wronged, i lied for own gain and many others.

But the funny thing is, when you do realize that time is short, that it is running out, that maybe tomorrow or the next 5 minutes you'll leave this world, you'd start to handle things differently, you have the guts to quit your job, move on in life regardless good or bad, to make friends with someone you didn't like, to take a step forward and travel to other countries alone, to say "heck it" to social norms like getting a degree at 22 and pursue your own dreams.

It is wise to take life with your hand, because life itself is on a short leash, ready to be let go whenever the Master upstairs pleases.

With 2 deaths in four months, came 2 weddings, life is fair, one candles blows up another is lit. How long more are we to stay idle and say for sure tomorrow surely will come?

Nay, no more, to my friends, to infinity and beyond, movies and songs aren't there just for entertainment, it's a representation of the human being.

Regrets, be gone.

Dizygotic

There is two.

One - Staying put. Moving upwards, relentless

Two - Move out, move elsewhere, move.

To reconcile is to bring upon unforseen sufferings and joy.
To reconcile is to go counter direction.
To walk the other way, is to give up on expected things.

Two.

Mu-lan

Today April the 10th, a good friend from high school, was married in a church and a lovely wedding dinner followed after.

I am happy for the newly weds, they look good together. People keep asking and questions the age of the couple, of why they want to settle down so early.
Apart from all the godly reasons, i can tell you: if you found someone you truly love and in return receive love, then why wait? Marriage is not to be played with, yet by delaying marriage, it is sometimes seen as unwise.
So I am happy they got married at this age, I am happy I was part of the congregation, I am happy.

Yet, in deeper inspection, i feel a tingling sense of sadness looming around my thoughts, a small little tug in the heart asking "what happened?"

I started thinking, where has the "godliness" in me went? Was it just a phase? Or somewhere lost in the sense of time? When they uttered the prayers and vows, the singing, the talks of God and of all He has done, I wonder to myself "Why am I not agreeing to their talks?"

Where was the "me" who was on fire for God, the one who will send out messages of encouragement, the one who would do things because it was righteous and expected no gifts in return and welcome suffering that came with the good deed.
The good guy, the nicer self, the whole thing just disappeared, the mirror shatters, and now left a raw self, a "new" me.

Yet,

And yet,

There are those who would be unwelcoming of my change, as if I wasn't good enough to be part of their life.
I have became cynical, skeptic, I claimed to be a Christian, but just a different sort, but you try so hard to change me, you want me to be someone else I am not, maybe I will, but not yet? Not now?

For the first time I will admit, I am alone, it will be cheesy to say the world doesn't understand me, but I don't need the world to understand me, I just need a few to accept me as who I am, instead of perceiving me to be someone they want me to be, or that only one side of the coin is visible.

This isn't new, it has always been, and probably will be too, in the upcoming age.

Here, something i wrote when I was in Thailand last year for a mission trip:

A Joker's Heart

In a castle not far away

A joker was there to stay

Morning he brought laughter and cheers

Nightfall full of his sorrows and tears

Who could tell of the Joker's heart?

Of his real and joking face they could not tell apart

Who'd bother to ask how was his day?

They just wanted him and his playful ways

The Joker longs to pour out his heart

To tell his feelings, his joy and much

Who'd bother to listen, to hear him speak?

It was happiness, jokes, entertainment from him only they seek

Finally, the Joker could take it no more

He found himself on the castle top, in the morning at half past four

He took a leap, inexpressible happiness he felt though in the dark

Freedom he found, the last laugh was in the Joker's heart.

-6th May, 2009-

-Lordson-

Took the Train

I saw two dudes with kids, and they were happy.

A lady happily reading her book.

A tomboy shouting profanities over the phone.

A couple hugging.

A kid laughing himself silly while calling his brother.

A socially awkward teenager.

A woman carrying buckets of KFC.

And a reflection of myself, tired, worn out, and defeated.



And i say to myself "here is life."

And there is nothing wrong with it.

The only crime i can commit is to let go and be complacent.

I will not be complacent.

Gulliver

Work work work.

That's all working people talk about!

I felt an sudden onset of depression, a not so serious kind but enough to make me down.

Correlations: Hotter the girls (and they know it), the worse a guy suffers.

You betcha'

Trading Scars

Thus arrived us at Easter.

But what significance is there? Would Jesus still come down to die for us knowing that we have descended into such sad state? Where people lose faith in the institutions that bear His name? Where the world is the church and the church is of the world?
Would He? Or would we picture Him weeping in Heaven and the tears becomes raindrops that water the earth, hoping that if all else fails, at least the flowers would still be beautiful and elegant as they were meant to be?

It is time for reflections, and I have gone astray, yet, hopefully clinging on, but slipping, may the last finger that holds on be the one to pull me to where I should be.

I have a dream. A dream that seems far fetched in dire times like these. A time where you wish you had never left Neverland, a time where you would dream dreams.

Sometimes we think watching movies and listening to music is nonsense and people should be more productive, but i really think movies are there to remind people life is more than what they made it out to be. People enjoy movies and songs, not for the sake of escapism, but to keep their focus on things that were meant for them to enjoy - the world and all created things.

To break free from monotony, to have autonomy, to live.

I have a dream, a dream that would seem foolish in eyes of others, but a dream that at least another share.

A dream.

It keeps me moving forward. Let's move forward.

The lil things...

...that makes me happy about my current job:

1. Office have windows!
2. Clean toilets!
3. Internet!
4. Cheap food nearby!

Apart from that there are plenty of other things, but not to tell today :)

Suffice to say, i still must always realign my focus towards things that are more essential, this is not the end, it's just a means to get moving in life.

Time flies by too fast, too fast that i cannot keep up, i just want everything to slow down, please?

I see you sitting down
Face facing ground
So that no one notices your frown

You aren't pretty
Life feels shitty
No one would pity

You put on a bold face
Thinking you know your place
Yet, yet falling from grace

The world treats you unkind
Messed up there's no rewind
Things would be different if you could alter time

I don't know if i should talk to you
Would i be a jerk if i do?
It seems i might just be pitying you

So I just stood there
As if I did not care
It just isn't fair

I detest you O the world
Chaos you thrust against us
Now we are cursed

She steps off the train
Hiding her pain
Who can say they felt the same?

I stood there
Did nothing but stare
Holding in, mentally impaired

By refusing to show kindness
I increased the bitterness
Whose heart broke? Hers first.

Hers. First.

Staying the Course

There's no escape, troubles are everywhere, even at my new workplace, but not at liberty to discuss anything in public.

Been taking LRT to work, and it is very interesting, the many faces you don't know, the many different stories they carry with them to their workplace or to their destination. It is so much fun, and getting to work and getting back isn't as bad as i thought it would be.

What is next phase in life? Get married get car house etc etc?

Not me, not yet? Maybe, maybe not.

I saw a woman scrambling to find a seat in the train, and when there was one, everyone was moving towards it, with fine coordination, it was amusing.

I saw a guy checking a girl out for whatever reason, even if they do like each other, we are dictated to just sit idle and let it slip by.

The debate was, where and when do you draw the line? Do you live to people's expectations?

The abnormal thing that i would like to think of, is that society dictates what is the norm and what deviates from it, but that doesn't mean order, it means disorder, hence more people getting sick and strange, getting labeled as peculiar.

But when you strip them down to the core, they bleed the same as us, but why do we find them "abnormal"?
The truly sick ones are the ones who think they have the right to judge.

And i have no rights to judge, but i have rights to have an opinion.

And my opinion is: I'll stick around a bit longer, just to see, see how the world spins, how this will play out.

One More Time

Here we go again!

Started in a new company

I really hope to stick this one out.

A Rojak Song!

Can't see? Just click, pretty interesting, can win you a phone too :)

Diddly Doo

One of my projects i wish to do for this year :)

http://doodlerundertheroof.blogspot.com/

Unsent

-Changing Lanes-

Dear Pops,

I never much knew you, but when i tell others about you, i always pick the good parts, like how you struggle and work ya way with the limited amount of resources you have, how you always strive for the family.

I leave out the not so glamorous parts, the parts where i felt as if i was alone at times when i thought i could rely on you, the times i wanted just to have a simple dinner.

As the years went by, it has now been almost 2 cycles of a dozen in my life, your battered eyes, your worn out body, has struck me that without your toil and hardships that you went through, i would not be where i am today, how foolish i am to think that i have been lacking when i am having in abundance.

I have a role model, albeit a flawed one, but who is perfect?

I realized as i come out to the world, aye, i have dreams, aspirations, things i want to do, but seeing how i have not fully taken over the responsibility from you, and yet you still work so hard and now even apart from us for a bit, it saddens me, saddens me inside out.

I've always mention life is too short, yet, in this short life, you have worked so much, and is still working, away from your beloved.

Is this a vicious cycle? That we always have to work hard to provide, that it will never end?

Sins of the father.

Nay, let what others say about this, let them throw their lofty words of religion and their self-righteous thoughts, saying it will all be okay, saying it is a test, let them look with their preconceived minds, their self-justified tongue, let them use the Word against us, let them "try" to build us up in God's name.

Nay.

Let them.

For now, after i shed this last tear, i will now take over the responsibility. With dreams postponed, with the world crumbling around me, let it come, for if my God is for me, tell me who can be against me.

It is not I, but God who reigns in me.

I will come soon, be patient.

Sincerely,

Thy Son.

Thane

When you see a fat man eating a burger

Do you think that to his body he's committing murder?

Or do you think hard enough, for awhile

That he actually is happy the way he is, for life he smiles?

A thin man walks by you, tears in his eyes

What else is there other than his screaming cries?

Or maybe his daughter graduated

An event he has long anticipated

A person with unkempt hair

Wearing clothings with a tear

Apart from him being a total loser

Maybe he is measuring his hair growth by the ruler.

Life is about perspectives, if we live with coloured lenses, or filters, and living life as if we are always right, then why bother staying in a community?

There is a time to be selfish, time to be not.

Belle

-Just this once, just for now, and just like that, it's over-

That's What He Said

He said: Without money, life is hard.

I say: That's true, it's damned truth! People will come and say, " But think of other people, they are poorer and less fortunate, count ya blessings!" I can't argue with that, but i can say that we are living in a society where we are less fortunate as well, it's like how you can't compare how much you earn here and spend in UK with if you work in UK and spend there, it's unfair. We are placed in situations where our problems are relative to our surroundings.

No money, one of life's stupid problems, but it is how the world works. In the circle of life, animals eat other animals in order to survive, and those who are preys are also hunters, it's nature's barter system, you trade life for another, in that sense, it is "monetary". But the world as usual screws it up, now things are getting more expensive, our pay doesn't go up, and we keep looking for the higher paying job, we gamble, we buy stocks, play forex, all for the sake of getting more money. So money is the deal in life, but i would disagree that it should be the sole motivation, there are many things more, just, sometimes life fucks you up to screw you.

======

He said: Till now, i have no achievements that is remotely related to happiness.

I say: I hate medias, they put too much shit and emphasis to sensationalize things, and knowing sometimes our dumb brains, we tend to believe everything in it. Last year, i went to bangkok, the news reported riots and all, but when i landed there, it was awesome and peaceful, save for a few parts. When churches starts getting burnt down here, the world thinks we are screwed, wait we totally are, but because news gets out of hand, hatred is cited, what more with technology, we can start forums or groups that breeds hatred, sometimes i wonder if God is weeping so hard that we are desensitized to it we don't even care anymore. We purposely dumb ourselves down? Making us nothing more than just animals that can progress but yet being stupidly assholes?

So to you my friend, screw that shit, degrees = paper that you can buy off the street and no one will even know it's fake, "achievements" is just something we believe that we are supposed to have, but what achievement is it to be PM of the country and yet, you're not happy? How is that an achievement, think about it. Being selfish, to want to be happy isn't wrong, you just have to know that there is a line you don't cross, but before that line, to want to be selfish is ok.

======

He said: 5 years we will drink beer on a rooftop overlooking the city and look back and laugh at all these moments and think how stupid we were.

I say: I will see you there in 5 years.

It is now the 3rd year, where are we now?

We are moving, guided by the invisible hand.

2 more years, we will make it.

See you there.

-Purple Haze-

Joke

The day before the day after tomorrow

Tomorrow...

i'll be walking to work for the first time since i started

i'll be off before 5 pm

i say goodbye to another working week

i'll laugh with good comrades

i'll have the wee hours of the morn to myself quietly spent thinking

i'll quietly hope that the day gets better

i'll play my guitar and pretend i am fulfilling my dreams

tomorrow, i be happy :)

Turn

She smiles as she walks by

The nervousness as you stare into her eyes

Then thoughts gushes without warning

The realization of truth that is dawning

You desecrated time

An offense, an avoidable crime

That 365 days

Wasted away

Now as the smile fades

Your soul retreats, to the shades

Wondering, ever wondering

But too late, long gone, you just stand.. alone.

Monologue

Opening Scene:

- In front of computer, eyes shows no sign of life, papers flipping, steps hurries from one place to another.

- situation: White, windowless.... Suits wearing Humans (the horror).

Survival of the fittest.

I like to think i am ok with working, or rather where i am right now, but i am not.

I probably can stay and linger on, just come what may and i will swallow it, but no.

I realized life is just too short to "stick it out", to "maybe it will be better".

If God gave us hands and feet and brains, then by all means, we can actually do something about it.

Actually, things are happening too fast, i used to be resistant to change, but now i welcome it, change is good, it helps you filter things out fast, who knows if you might just vanish tomorrow suddenly? Then at least however short of a time you have, you did what you could.

On a happier night, working made me love my nephew a lot more, s happy to see him smile when i get back home, sometimes would just stay home to play with him when i could go out and hang with friends.

Life is a lot more, i think, it's up to you when you wanna say stop.

I'm on my knees

Prodigal

I call

Zion

Werk

I am a member of the workforce of Malaysia

If this is growing up, then well, hooray for me :)

Sitrep

-Scath-

Life always has two sides.

The ones we picked aren't always the prettier side.

We can play the blame game, we really can, we can say "if only.." we can criticize, we can feel nothing, we can feel everything, but one question: how is it going to help?

This world is messed up.

Fucked up would be the better term.

Yea, yes to you, i am writing about another death, a friend, decided to end his own life. That's 2 this year.

2, in our eyes is such a small number, but, 2 is enough. Enough in this case.

I've heard enough of we could have done more, they should have done something about it, yea we all could have, but we didn't, so drop it.

If you wanna draw anything, is that we are idiots.

yea, you're soooooooo SAD because you didn't do anything for this friend, yeap, you're right, you have your own life, you got retarded attitude and even people near you ain't hearing shit about what you doing, what more another friend who is further away?

Ah, yea, i drifted a bit and was angry..

Just..

don't ever leave without saying goodbye.

Yea, please.

Lapse

Today, i read a book while sipping coffee in starbucks today.

What an odd feeling.

I remember a time where i used to grace the walkways of shopping malls alone, enjoying the crowd, the motions and details that were rich and too much to be absorbed, the audio filled both of my ears.

I remember just staring at the countless number of people enjoying their

day, and then return home alone, thinking that it was a great day.

I remember holding up a book every night, immersing myself in the world penned by people unknown to me, and living the characters as if i was them.

I remember putting down a book after reading it and thought to myself, what an epic story.

All that was lost, momentarily, with advent of more technology, time seems to run out faster than usual. Maybe time to close the browser, switch off the modem that hasn't rested since the day you turned it on.

Maybe, time to utilize time.

-Notion-

Sands

.. it seems death gets nearer to my doorstep, and posts about passing of someone appears a bit too often for my comfort.

Seems every few months, death comes into my circle and knocks on someone's door, and all the time, it never takes no for an answer.

Once again, a good friend, though not close, but friend nonetheless, has left.

Why can't i come to terms with death? Why does it still surprise and shock me?

Untimely, uninviting and swift, leaves me no room to say goodbyes, or should i say goodbyes to every one from now on?

Death.

Keeps me in check with life. The irony.

Though untimely, yet it serves as a good reminder before i immerse myself into the depths of the working world that life is what i make it out to be.

Only last month i sat in the same exam hall, and she told me a week prior to it not to worry because it will be easy.

Now, a memory.

Here and gone, i'm halfway there.

-Empty Stage-

Seasonal

The sun comes up and goes back down

Unwaivering, ever on time

The times where we don't make a sound

Are times that silence is the crime

------------------------------------

It's when you let go, you gain

When you give up, He gives

When you stay around long enough, you learn

You never get what you want

That's life.

Simon

..of course referring to the song sung by Lifehouse.

Such a beautiful song.

I am sure twitter and facebook and most every social network and media have been reporting about recent happenings.

To which, as one aptly said that it brings hope, not the event itself, but the response it garnered.

There are still smart and thoughtful people, in a world we lived in, such people are

rare and scarce, but still present, which makes this place seems a bit brighter, a bit better.

I forgot the pleasure of just sitting..

2008, when i had this unexplained sickness which caused me unending spins in the head and i was chair bound for a month or two, at the sight of the ceiling fan would make me faint and nauseated, i realized i needed to just sit.

As weird as it sounds, all the more in times where things are fast moving, endless information goes through our filter, we are constantly bombarded with needless things, we just forget to...

stop.

I am thankful for the times where people would invite me out to just do nothing but gaze into the stars, the times where traffic is slow moving and rainbow fills the sky. When i actually just stop and look up, that amidst tall buildings and lifeless structure, the beauty of surroundings is overwhelming, even the buildings itself are creations of someone's mind and how oft

en would one appreciate it?

I hear phrases like, "Is there more to this?"

Everyone will have a different answer, no right or wrong, every one has a role to play, be it to serve or to be served, every one is at their place at the right time for something.

Today is my dear sister's birthday, she may not be the brother i wanted all my life, she may not be someone i would talk to much nowadays, nevertheless, we are bound by blood and family is family, there is nothing and no one i would want in replace of her.

Happy birthday :)

-One At A Time-

HO!

You may remember this..

so here's this( i know, 2010, and already this kind of jokes, it's so me):

To Infinity and Beyond!

One man's tune is another man's torture to the ears.

Ba-zin-ga!

-6-String Darkness-