Epilogue.. for now.

Thus brings us to current times..

As far as 2009 goes, a lot has happened, i found lots of new friends, my dog died, i went thailand, had an argument with my dad, have nephew, played in prom, got my degree, went roadtrips, saw a counselor, went to 2 group counseling, take pictures for an interview, take a picture for a product, joined the canticle singers as silent roles, put on makeup, went to see meteor shower, had bacon party, car got stolen.

If i were to name all, it would take up a lot.

Suffice to say, a lot has gone, a lot still going on, and the year ahead should be somewhat interesting.

What really took me by surprise this year, and how my uni ended was the fact i have never felt so much responsibility thrown onto my lap before, the things i think about, the things i do, the weighing of decisions, the balance keeping, just wasn't something i like to carry with me right now.

Dreams put on hold, desires suppressed, feelings masked, words unspoken, these are just few of the many things that i supposed most of us feel when we grow up. as normal as it seems, it shouldn't be this way any longer than it should.

Call me naive, idealist, dreamer, but there are still things in life that are worth pursuing despite being worthless in some eyes.

So, as uni ended, and it's been a bumpy ride, to sum everything up as my counselor puts it - there will always be choices.

Choices indeed.

Let's anticipate what forthcoming choices i will have to make.

-Bah, Emo Fail-

Chapter - Getting There

Winter '08

Age: 22

Status: WTF

After CF camp of the previous year, finally got into a group of friends that i actually can work with ease, with my own style and still get good marks on group assignments. Was happy.

Unfortunately (or fortunate, it's a double-edged sword), things took the worst of turns, being fragile inside and illogically flawed in the brains (men have two heads, and one is almost zero efficiency when comes to rational thinking), made some really bad decisions.

Cost me health (though some still speculate it's because i cut my hair till an unacceptable (short) length), friends, worth and hope. Was the worst of times, was the turning point in uni life.

True friends remained, acquaintances wore colored glasses and people hear what they wanna hear.

Life got simpler. "Friends", deleted. Good riddance.

Swore off certain relationships. Got back into the system, had my best semester ever.

Life was slightly better.

Christmas, cut hair, fell sick a week, WTF.

"Traded your worth for these scars, for your only company." - Simon, Lifehouse.

-Fading Away-

.. digress a lil to say..

-Happy Birthday!-

Chapter - Getting Around

Winter '07

Age: 21

Status: Getting a footing

Getting used to how the system works - you attend lectures, get into groups, do some work, then you sit for an exam.

The other part is you make friends, you have a trial period, then everyone finds their comfort zone and remain there, for an extended period of time.

Sometimes you win sometimes you lose, you could never really keep count because it was so fast moving, one minute you are the next you're not.

Probably should have counted the cost before i start building, the cost of sacrificing time and effort was not enough to justify the outcome that ultimately leads to a point of descension in following year(s).

Nevertheless, gained enough interest to what i am studying to carry on and in hopes that it will prove useful in days to come.

Still holding on to friends of the past, maybe not ready to let go, maybe because i worry about making new ones that would see right through me the first time round, but all in all, life goes on.

You win some you lose some.

-OverView-

Prologue

Summer '06

Age: 20

Status: Directionless

As i completed my STPM with mediocre grades, worked a part time job as a teacher, was prepared to embrace life in university, a public one at that. However, hopes were dashed when i could not secure a place in any university, worried, i applied to UTAR, but in the meanwhile hoping that my appeal to the education board would come to fruition and that my months of waiting would not be in vain.

It was in vain, not only was my appeal rejected, UTAR has refused to accept me because i have waited too long to enrol in its program. Thus began the journey to find other universities, a private one at that. My mind was already set really, to go to HELP.

The next 3 years of my life, i was to fulfill my desires of which i wanted to do in public universities, but now here. But, as life would has it, it always seem a little different than what you planned.

-Hope-

It is finished

Star Track!

There is hope yet! Not everyone has become a bimbo!

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's a cliche

But i think you're probably your early forties, i might be wrong, but hey, does it matter?

It's not like you had a great life, maybe you wished for something better, something else?

Something that you could live through your kids.

But all in all, your mere existence was nothing short of a godsend.

Yea, this kind of speech has been made a million times, and there is a good reason why it never grew old.

And i at least know the reason, and i am grateful.

So here's a post dedicated to my mom on her birthday today. It may not be much, it may not be glamorous, it's just real.

LIFT!

okok, will blog properly later.

Lights!

Technology Students Mess with Dormitory Lights - The best video clips are here

That Feeling

I think it's kinda funny, pay attention to the lyrics!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Cookie!

source: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200803/r232591_930817.jpg

Somebody Else's Song

Yea, car got stolen, if you haven't hear it by now..

...but that's not what i am pissed about.

As it was 4 years ago, when i was robbed in broad daylight in almost the same area, i couldn't spend effort to be angry and curse the wrongdoers to death. Maybe it's because i know nothing could be done to change the situation, it can only be improved upon.

Anyway, what i am pissed about is the "victims".

Yea, just because you went through a bad horrible day does not mean you have the right to be an ass.

Yea, your problem is the most salient, and it's big because they are your problem, but damn, keep it inside and stop pointing it to the whole world (maybe a while is ok, but not to the point of being a total jerk and asshole!)

To illustrate my point:

So i was at the doorstep of a police investigator waiting for my turn to see the sergeant, up came a couple and a elderly woman.

From a brief conversation exchanged between the elderly woman and my pop, found out she is christian (yea, WHAT ARE THE ODDS?)

So, the elderly woman was alright, minor complains and concerns because her house was broken into.

My piss was directed to the couple, the elderly woman's daughter and her bf.

First off, they have no sense of time. OK situation: Sergeant has another investigation on going in his office, and we have no idea what it was, obviously. Ok back to bitching or conveying my thoughts (HAHA):

SO this couple, barely came in ten minutes, sat down on a nice sofa, complaint that "WTF!" is the sergeant doing inside the office, and that they waited half an hour.

Then they found out there was a girl inside talking 'cause they rudely knocked on the door to ask how long they have to wait.

Then after a while, they said they waited for an hour, it was barely half an hour! Their timezone probably was in the "You're a retard" zone.

Still bearable, i was just waiting.

Then they were speculating just what was going on in the office, then they complaint about having to go to this police station rather than the one in KJ, 'cause they reported it there while staying in the same area as me.

This started to annoy me, first off, you don't know even know whose jurisdiction you are in, and you simply scolding the police for being inefficient? Dude, if you only took more time to CARE about YOUR RIGHTS and have more COMMON SENSE, you'd know where to report, so don't complain you dick.

So yea, so its ya own fault you had to come here, now you complain about police being efficient cause they wanna HELP you INVESTIGATE and PREVENT it from happening again, so yea, it's soooooooo their fault for asking you to go see a sergeant so he can get details and send people to take pictures of your house and probably improve your area's (which is also my area) security, it's their fault you cannot go home early, it's their fault you cannot go clean up your house so that investigations can be carried out.

Alright, so that one not as bad, what is worse than that? Well i don't know, let's see..

YOU BOTH SPECULATE THE SERGEANT IS WASTING TIME FLIRTING!

That's right, a sergeant being a sergeant and his job to interview victims to carry out investigations, does not have the right to talk to a woman in his office which was quite opened, to interview her, yeap, it's so much easier to say he is flirting and wasting our taxpayer's money, i'm so glad you both as a couple are like "angels" sent from above, so pure, so holy, so pharisee-like!

You gotta be a dimwit so sink that low to speculate such thing, oh no, you didn't stop there, you played the race card, used foul language, showed temper, oh oh, the best part? When the sergeant finally did came out, and was so damn polite and apologetic, you have the nerves to say "sudah tunggu lama la!"

I was about to slap you left and right cause bible told you so to let me.

But then again, maybe you both weren't christians...

so when the couple left, i asked the elderly woman if her whole family was christian, she pointed out the couple was christians (well one being a catholic) and she kept stressing the point she had to go to church the next day.

Great, she mentioned what sins she committed to have her house broken into, my cue to step in, i told her it wasn't her sins that got her into this situation, but as she and the couple sat down there for barely 20 minutes, they already committed far more sins than they should in that short span of time.

I told her to tell them off, as expected, she looked down, avoided my gaze and pretended nothing happened.

By the way, the police are quite a good bunch, maybe not all, but there are, stop stigmatizing, because you stigmatize, people are less inclined to join the force, therefore sometimes making them short of staff, in return work are slower, making you wait longer, making you complain and label them again, and the whole cycle starts again, there, next time? SHUT UP, oh yea, one final thing, you complained this country going down in ruins, yea, guess who is not helping? YOU! You played the race card, you complain but didn't offer solutions, you didn't empathize, you just have a mouth which spills out rubbish, maybe you are bringing this country to ruin, have you thought about that before you speak? Victim? I laugh in ya face

Oh well, at least i got it off my chest, yea, you may noticed i shoulda noticed the log in my own eyes right?

Yea, there, one sin for me and counting.

Updates

T'was the peak of my acting career

though role is small, but plenty of cheers

Put on makeup, not once, not twice

It was something new, but it wasn't very nice

Assignments are done

presentations i have none

what is left to beat

are exams! It, i will defeat!

With what my conditions are

time now to look for job near or far

one that pays well, one that pays good

to put on the table for my family food

Meeting new, old friends

hair, clothes, contact lens

sleep, play, reading, watching

look, see, teasing, talking

Dog gone, tears shed

weather cold, skin bled

That's all

still standing tall

Solution...

... to swine flu

source: http://imgrr.com/x/10zutkg.jpg

What THE....

AN ACTUAL AD

Makeup

I don't understand why girls like makeup

why?

I've been doing it for the past 5 days?

IT IS A HASSLE!

TAKING IT OFF IS STUPID AND TIME CONSUMING!

WHY??

Why subject yourself to torture?!?!?

WHY?

On top of it all, i look PRETTY, not even handsome

IT IS GAY LOOKING!

Apart from that, the makeup people also ok looking la

unless it's because of makeup!

ARGH!

the horror!!

I mean a girl can look chun but if take off makeup then how???

I CANNOT BE DECEIVED THIS WAY!

My weak heart cannot endure!

My eyes will burn!

So how come it's such a BIG INDUSTRY??

I know why

I just don't get the logic

Shut up

i'm a guy

Superstar Syndrome

I think Steven Curtis Chapman said bout having a rockstar syndrome because he was gaining a lot of fame back in his earlier days, and how easy it is to lose focus.

Well, sometimes we all fall victim to it, be it thinking we are -holier-than-thou or that all other departments students are idiots who cannot think intellectually (which i really think so! HAHA) or be it just being a douche because your role is "higher".

No, i don't deny that there are hierarchies and we do always have someone above us, but it's not right when it's uncalled for.

Case in point: I announced my intentions when i go into a room where priorities are

given higher to people above me, and wasn't my intention to do anything that would jeopardize that priority, so why the heck would you wanna SAY IT OUT LOUD that i was to be put beneath you? Are you that insecure?

Superstar syndrome, or maybe it's face problem, i mean my face, don't seem to get along well with some of the people. Someone mention

ed smile more, maybe i should la, or i just go ask people why they don't get along with me.

Hey if i asked a girl if she was lesbian even if i don't know her and she still is my friend, i think safe enough to ask "what the heck is wrong with you?" to these people right?

yes, i am gonna do that.

-BackSide-

..by the window

As far as i could remember, there were a few best friends in life.

One particularly was a Spitz breed dog name Daisy.

Now Daisy had golden brown fur and was always delightful in the presence of people, i always thought she had the knack for acrobatics as she loves jumping and standing on two to get my attention.

One day, mom and i went out to the store, and when we got back, she was gone. But the gate wasn't opened, everything seemed in place, we searched the neighborhood, but we couldn't find her. No way she could have ran off, we surmised she was kidnapped, probably was my fault, because at that time, there was a free gift thing going on in one of the electrical shops, and we already obtained one free gift, but our letterbox had another, so we went again, this time Daisy was then taken away, could be a ploy to get us out of the house so she could be kidnapped, i am not sure if that was what really went down, but as far as my memory goes, that was how i remembered it.

The second one i remembered was Junior, no idea how that name came about. The dog one day went into my uncle's shop, and we decided to adopt it, Junior was either deaf or he was called by another name, he never knew or learned to respond to his name even after so long. He was a mixed breed, i at least know he is part shih-tzu.

Junior lived with us for awhile, though he was with ticks and very active, he became someone that was part of the family, we took him everywhere, even to Ipoh, where we would go on waterfall trips and he would be there as well.

I was initially afraid of him, given that i was pretty young, but then i just came to appreciate him.

He always had this fur problem, which poked his eyes, we always cut it when we can, but one day maggots filled the eyes and was eating him away alive.

We obviously brought him to the neighborhood vet, whose fees we couldn't afford, but we didn't want to put him down, so the vet kindly said he will do the operation for free and will put him up for adoption, and whoever willing to pay the fee will get Junior.

We consented and that was the last i saw him.

As with Daisy, i wept for a day or two, and was depressed for quite awhile.

The dog my neighbor reared looks like Junior, but he wasn't.

I don't know how he is doing.

I just wept.

I think from then on i didn't want to be attached to any more animals, and i didn't.

Till come 2009, sis brought back Pepper, a Lhasa Apso breed tibetan dog. Not much of a connection really, i tried not to, given past experiences.

But i couldn't resist, i still didn't do much with him, my family did more, but i play with him when i can and discipline him.

Then on Friday, the most recent one, he ran out of the house, onto the road and got into a hit-and-run.

Sister brought it home, he seemed fine, he didn't make a noise, and his eyes was still big and he was trying to move, but he moved a bit then fall, moved a bit and fall, he tried to draw closer to me at one point, but he was coughing blood and panting, we tried to rush him to the vet hospital. But he died halfway. So we went back home instead.

As with the others, i wept.

The whole day today didn't feel right, tv shows wasn't making me laugh, i just slept.

I could have prevented him from running out, what was i thinking? But too late.

I apologize to those whom i said doggie heaven wasn't real, i hope it exist, i don't know why, i hope they do, even with Pepper i already not as attached and i feel so much. He is buried in the lawn in front of my house. At least this time, he is closer to home than the rest.

-Pepper-

Red Hot Chili..

Sometimes the line between caring and not caring is blurred.

OktoberFrens

Happy Birthday :)

Hallow

I've been a non-committal christian, if what's left of it still can be called a christian, for the past year, and so, as someone has pointed it out, what's my problem?

No problem.

When i look at it, do i miss the years i spent in church and serving? I've gotten used to it.

Do i miss doing stuff with people i grew up with? Yea.

There is no problem.

If anything, it's between me and The One up there.

But i'd tell you this:

You fucking retard, you asswipe dick face horseshit, you know nothing about what the fuck i am going thru, you might as well go fuck ya fucking face in the toilet and eat shit you fucktard, hope your balls grow out of ya mouth so at least ya fucking mouth has something useful in it rather than the fucking words you have to say to me and my fucking life, i hope you fuck yourself and rot to death wherever you are you son of a bitch, you go screw the whole fucking world up and now you wanna fucking screw me? Go to hell, yea, go, i hope i don't see you there asshole.

If you've made past that, good, what was the first thought that went thru ya mind?

That i don't live up to my name? That i am a hypocrite, good, that was what i was going for, because you see, if there is a problem, the problem is you. The log in my own eye? I see them.

Those stuff i wrote up there? Maybe i do talk this way, maybe i was talking about someone or something, or i just came up with that while typing, but i guess i don't owe you an explanation, think of what you will of me.

Think about it.

-"That's right"-

(Courtesy of HocMun)

Imbecile

Another couple engaged. In a month a wedding to attend, in a few months another wedding to attend, then in years to come i'll hate weddings.

Politiks

Not been updating awhile, got spammer at my chatbox, those spammers really know how to spam.

Assignment rush is here, birthdays are abound, mid-terms are here. What have i been doing? Nothing, zilch, that's right, nothing.

It's the last semester syndrome! Ok i gotta stop using that as an excuse.

Ok, i had a few talks with friends these few weeks, one was that this friend of mine is attracted to a girl because she is "spiritually mature", yea, that's right, i am gonna invade this territory and make a big deal out of it.

Good, you think the girl is spiritually mature (christian wise) because she serves in church and act all holy moly? The fact that a person serves more and goes to church regularly, to be fair, is an act that says a lot about them, about their priorities and where their heart lies, granted, that that is the only thing we can see externally.

Did you inspect every aspect of her life? Is she like this 24/7? How you know she is not a bitch in real life?

Oh wait, you don't think... right, cannot be, i'm sure the fact the girl is probably BEAUTIFUL has nothing to do with the attraction, i'm sure that some girl who is probably ridiculed all her life for her looks and physical body, and devotes her entire life to God and probably can be said is the mother theresa of malaysia will be EQUALLY as attractive to you, right?

I'm sure spiritual maturity is the BIGGEST factor you look at, and EVERYTHING else is a bonus, yeap, i hope you can live with it, i really do.

You know what is spiritual maturity, i don't have to see it to know it, that's right, sounds too "radical"? Oh well, that's all i gonna say about it right here.

(If you think i'm talking about you, no, it's based on a true conversation, but i don't hate you or dislike you, you'll never know who is gonna read this and start giving me hell again. heh.)

On a totally unrelated note,

Apparently girls i go for are gay. I have gay dreams as well. Am i gay? No, just means i am accepting of every one, love the sinners hate the sin.

As for the girls i like turns out gay, would mean i like challenging myself, and i am a risk taker, all the more i am awesome and that i see that there are no mountains i cannot climb, an admirable trait, yeap, that's right.

How i love when things goes right for me.

Can you guess the songs? Kanye is a douche!

Of Ideologies, Peace and State

Muse - Uprising

Week 4 into my semester, still feeling like it haven't started, mostly i think because it's the final sem syndrome, and also all assignments are group work, so if everyone don't move, i don't move, haha! Life of a student :)

It's like,

this,

a thought,

simple,

yet,

puzzling,

mystifying,

contemplative,

manipulative.

Haven't had much time to myself lately, haven't pick up the guitar in awhile, haven't been much gaming solo, i don't know why, i like being out, but it doesn't mean i feel fulfilled.

I just saw a bunch of photos of my baby nephew, and i am not even in it!

So sad, i spent so little time with him? Cannot!

I need to show him that his uncle is the most awesomest person in the world!

I still got time, his hypothalamus not fully developed yet! When the time comes to solidify memories, i'll be there!

It's not you, wait, it totally is!

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." -Darth Vader

Star wars is cool, Episode 4, 5 and 6 only.

Anyway, i find my lack of faith disturbing, or is it liberty?

A lot would say "have eternity in mind!" but what is eternity?

Some take the Christian faith too literal.

A friend told me that by 30 he'd wanna either be pursuing a PhD or end up in some god forsaken country doing some mission work, and hey, i'd say it's a good plan, but he told me that his church leader told him that it's too extreme and that maybe God wants him to find a middle ground.

That really pissed me off!

Why is it extreme? Who are you to use God's name in vain and dispense stupid advice to people?

This kind of people are the ones that should be condemned.

If "true" freedom is found in Christ, then how come so many are trapped in a metaphorical prison?

That's the problem, or one of the many problems, church leaders would say be united for the purpose of God and stuff, but all they keep doing is direct us to be brainless slave, to strive to keep us in a building, to make us work, make us do all things, without consideration of the fact that we are humans with some sort of FREEDOM.

Disagree? Yea, all of you probably disagree.

I say i wanna be a missionary, you people ask me to think thoroughly and go do something else first.

Then i said i wanna venture into the corporate world and work up the ladder, you people question me using God's name and asking if that is what God really wants of me.

Tell me, are you Elijah? Are you John the Baptist? Are you even the least in the kingdom of God? Who are you to say such things so loosely that can have detrimental effects on people?

Oh trust me, i still believe in God, i still proclaim i am Christian, and yes, you're right, now the you can put it against me the question, who am i to tell you any of this? For one, and the most obvious, this is my blog, i have rights to say things, 2nd, at least i have the balls to question such things, 3rd, i've witnessed too many fellow Christians being trapped into such thinking that their maximum potential is not realized.

In biblical accounts, most of the prophets died horribly, and they did things that are against conventional movements. So how did us Christians became this way?

I admit, i go to church, but not embracing, i believe but disappointed, i trust God but not His people, i smile but deprived inside.

If truly wanna break free, stop hanging out with Christians all the time.

I will end this entry with a loosely paraphrased quote from a friend, he said that Christians always plan their retreats and camps on long weekends such as this weekend's Raya celebration, then where comes the opportunity to be a friend to other people of different faith if any of them wanna invite us to their open house or celebrate together?

In that sense, we already..

Fail.

Breaking the Habit

Lack of sleep leads to blurriness leads to throbbing headache leads to me winning one round of street fighter leads to dehydration leads to me winning a few rounds of card game.

Can't sleep properly these few days, not sure why, maybe its because i had to wake up early, ah, cannot be, anyway, it affects my day, i enjoy the day, just that my surroundings becomes too fast for my eye to catch up, so it's like a contradicting outward experience: on one hand i enjyoing my time, on the other, i don't look it. Bah, details details.

I should just learn to really like coffee, then at least can be more awake during the day.

Same old cycle: semester started, but haven't even look at anything yet, already the 3rd week and i have no idea what to do or what i am studying. Unhealthy, but its a mechanism to cope!

Raya is coming, is there anyone who is opening their house? I am quite freeeeeee to accept any given invitation.

Unfortunately, i have production practices to attend from now till October, even raya holidays isn't off the hook for me. Hmm.

I never thought it happen so early, but am i having a not-even-close-to-quarter-life crisis?

On a brighter note, its mooncake season time.

Courtesy of HocMun

Over and over

Just got back from CG not too long ago.

Today's topic, the dreaded BGR stuff, but leaning towards marriage more la

being a christian, been bombarded with the same topic same vewrses same argument over and over for so many years, so you'd understand why i was kinda "whatever" during the entry of this post.

First we were asked to list down top 10 important criteria for our future spouse, i can tell you what it used to be my answer, but now, my answer changed, caving in to pressure of time, i wrote down stuff like funny, guy mentality, tall, non-clingy, pretty to me etc etc

Obviously, i suppose to write down "same belief system" or "christian"

I guess i don't see it that way as much anymore, not because of any thing, but because nowadays, just so hard to define anything black and white, to me that is.

Someone did bet i would in the end marry a good christian girl, i wouldn't say its very far fetched, but i wouldn't say its definite either.

Problem is, and i concur with another friend, that two person who truly loves each other deserve to be together.

Anyway, i don't have money, or any securities i can offer to anyone right now, some girls do look for that, and i don't wanna see myself striving to fulfill any of that, because life so short, if you don't want to be together just because, then forget it la.

As of now, i may change my mind later though unlikely, i'd tell a girl, and i loosely use Peter's word from the Book of Acts:

"Silver and gold i have none, but whatever i have, i will give to you."

That Guy

Sad, always emo, attention seeking, self-indulging, ignorant, create trouble to make own life more drama.

Verdict: Don't wanna be that guy.

Smart, weird, cannot crack appropriate jokes, too heavily opinionated and single track mind.

Verdict: Don't wanna be that guy.

Smart, Pleasant looking, always have a smile on the face, neutral, selamba, cincai, willing to help, too straight face.

Verdict: Meh, still don't wanna be that guy.

Tall, musically inclined, emo, lovable, family man.

Verdict: Nope, don't wanna be that guy.

Tons of friends, everywhere also is successful, can sing, can play musical instruments, athletic, can cook, godly.

Verdict: Whoa, totally don't wanna be that guy.

Gayish, tons of girl friends but no real girlfriend, idiotic, but a prick.

Verdict: nope, don't wanna be that guy.

Player, tons of girlfriends, and girl friends, and male friends, smart, jack of all trades and jackass.

Verdict: Boring, don't wanna be that guy.

So which guy in the end?

Meh, who knows.

Snicket

My mom calls this year a series of unfortunate events (no pun intended, ok maybe intended)

As those who knows, not that this year has been great for the family, still surviving with whatever we have, and its not that easy to take us down, still not as fun being in the midst of troubles and dilemmas.

This year, many trips to the hospital have we been making, you have my sister going hospital for birth and operation, and now my mom been once to it and the clinic just minutes ago for some sort of food poisoning which oddly, none of us have and not to say she took any food that we did not partake as well, a cause of worry? Maybe, but as of yet, still surviving.

Semester begins this week, officially, and i have no idea how to schedule my classes properly because i have two non-psych first year electives to take, also meaning that the other depts might clash with psych dept's classes, as of now, the current available ones aren't too fancy nor interesting, which i really hesitate to take alone, if i wait for the others then the other depts are entering short sem, which starts in October, so if by then schedule are messed up, then i am screwed and have no chance to graduate. Or maybe i am a bit overdramatizing.

My video card burnt out, my car engine blew, financially unstable, racking debts. This sounds familiar, my lowest point was probably that few years ago when we had to mortgage our car and live on charity, rice and egg and soya sauce became almost a constant meal, and every thing had to be at its minimum so to not over spend.

So, is this the worst year yet? I boldy proclaim not! Well, not like its any better, and furthermore, health seems to be a big issue now, already so many times we were admitted to the hospital without insurance coverage and had to fork out our own cash. Yeap, should have bought insurance, if we could afford it! hehe.

Anyway, a series of unfortunate events? Even it may seem like it, but when you think about it,

there are many things to be thankful for, at least, staying positive helps.

I mentioned many times before in this blog that when we think life is bad, there are probably people worse off, no roofs over their head, no food, no water, no parents etc.

So, in conclusion, i just say its one of those trying years that some point in the future, i can blog about it and reference this.

Plus, it makes a great story.

Just saying.

-My, My-

What used

Time for a self written poem on the latest tv series i watched lately:

I feel everyone is like a Dwight,

who always thinks that he is right.

I like to be a Stanley,

who still can be funny when he is cranky.

Who wants to be an Angela?

If she was my woman, i wish she be hit by a car.

Who can forget Kevin,

An awesome dude who just needs a bit of loving.

I really really like Andrew Bernard,

He is funny, witty, can play music, but sometimes a retard.

Ah, of course we then have Jim and Pam,

Surely people wants to be like them living life hand in hand.

There's Oscar, Toby, Phyllis and more,

I lazy to think of rhymes anymore.

Last but not least, who isn't like a Michael Scott?

Attention, friends, company and love he soughts,

not forgetting, how the heck does he get girlfriends that are hot??

That's all, as i was thinking what career path i am wanting to venture in, i really was inspired by the Earth Song video and They Don't Really Care About Us video, by Michael Jackson, yeap, i recently went through most of his music videos, and apart from still mourning the lost of a great musician and dancer, i think he really captured something most people can't in their lifetime.

You have a lot of people going about their causes to save stuff here and there, but i think MJ really got the whole message in a short music video, it is quite cool that apart from musical talent, he has the talent to produce strong social message.

It is debatable whether after viewing such videos will lead to more social awareness and actions, or will it stick through the passage of time.

But as of now, i thought of doing some side projects, maybe short films and stuff, since now i have a bit of time here and there in between classes or sleeps, can probably do it.

Though unfortunately, apart from growing responsibilities, i have no camcorder or equipments, not even a decent sound card to do anything, and zilch knowledge in editing. So, maybe its all talk.

But of course, since i wrote it here, if anyone bothers, can pop me a question once in awhile to check on my progress, at least a bit of accountability.

Munchkin anyone?

Come, lets play soon.

-Soon Gone-

You Say

Police set up pondok polis everywhere;

you say they looking for bribes.

A particular political party wins;

you say the election was rigged.

A newspaper reports positively of the government;

you say the media is biased.

The PM says 1Malaysia;

you say 1black malaysia.

People conforms to mainstream ideas;

you say they are brainwashed.

People like indie music;

you say they are a bunch of showoffs.

Ministers sometimes do their best;

you say they are a bunch of idiots.

People going through some bad problems in life;

you say they are emo.

Men who truly loves fashion design;

you say they are probably gay.

If you have everything to say against everything, forget reformation, forget unity and forget about progress. Instead of just saying, do something about it, for ONCE.

1

I would like a girl who doesn't hunch please.

Yeap

Running With Tweezers

There, done. I finally got thru my thesis defense yesterday! I am so done. Really, i am glad that it went well, supervisor and co-marker were gracious towards me. I rather happy that the work and research that i came up and done by myself (with the help of many good friends who were willing to help during the course of this research) had paid off, and i am not sure what grade i am gonna get, but rest assured, it is done, i think i did it justice and so did my supervisor and co-marker. So yeap, another phase, has come and gone!

So, what's next? Got 4 more subjects before i graduate, 2 first year electives, which mean i start class next week, and psych only starts the week after, so yea, finally got my thesis out of the way, and then comes a new semester. Final one too.

Sometimes, people can utterly stupid and dumb, ignorant, self-absorbed and much more, are we really programmed this way? But when some people actually go and do free work, social work, missions, they get criticized and questions about regarding their true motives and all. If good work is being done, let it be done. Not as if you work in a damned corporate world is contributing much to those in need. What with your fancy cars and houses. So shut ya trap and give these people a break.

So coming back to what i was saying, some people just cannot see that little things they do and don't do affect the system, some people were born with the wisdom, some sought for it, some just has it but refused to use it. Ah, ranting.

Its like in a tv sitcom, you got the serious guy, the motherly girl, the idiotic friend and a wuss to be bullied throughout the series. So, in another way to put it, you gotta have these kind of people in the world, if there were no idiots, then the smart ones wouldn't be smart, or if all were good, then no one is truly good right?

Well, at least with some proper motivation, some may choose the wiser path in respect to the current circumstances.

Like me, i choose not to sleep, so i could watch some more tv before my holidays are really over.

All about choices. You think God didn't had a choice? He did. Do we have choices? Yup, totally. Pick the right choice, stop reading and go watch some tv. That is what i am gonna do... right about..... now.

-To The Grave-

Twang

Got a thesis presentation up next, and defense too.

Did aplenty this past two weeks, watched a couple of plays, barbecues, 2 of them in fact. Met up with some friends here and there.

But the most significant thing that happened was getting over the feeling of growing up. One can always lament and wallow the pains of growing up or just be at ease at them and accept it.

I'm a late bloomer. Yea, i wanted to be in neverland, the peter pan version, not MJ version, say, a close quarter life crisis. Didn't thought i'd jump a few stages ahead in Erikson's developmental stages.

I could think life as: gonna get a job soon, do some menial work, settle down, have kids, watch them grow up and rot in my grave.

But i guess, if life were to be seen that way, it'd be sad, pathetic really.

Come what may, if this is rock bottom, then the only way is up. Think it should get interesting, much more interesting soon.

But have to trim hair before that, can't let it get caught somewhere and drag me slower.

-Ye Shall Walk Not Alone-

Moist!

Ok, lets have pictures! here is my taiping trip, photos consist of HocMun's and mine, the better looking ones are Hoc's! Here you go:

Near Maxwell Hill, monkeys conquered metal monster, win!

Graves of past soldiers who fought a war on this very land

Bukit Merah Laketown Resort, was alright, i guess, haha

Maxwell Hill! the ride up was something else, but the view is awesome!

We played Balderdash! Then took a pic, no tulips at that time, but hey, least we know there are tulips in Taiping!

No taiping girl stop to notice us :(

So might as well stuff ourselves with durian before we leave right?

Had good fun, short trip but worth it!

-Birds of A Feather-

It really means if you are friends with me, you are somewhat similar to me, so if i'm weird, guess what, you are too! HA! But i really am normal :)

Prep

As I am quite done with my thesis, i am prep to look for other things to do, i just got back from a minor job, blog about it later.

As of now, few things i should get sometime this year:

1. A decent looking wallet, my current one was a gift which was heavily abused till now looks like a pile of unwanted newspaper.
2. A functioning wrist watch, not the digital kind, it says you're punctual! Which HocMun supports the claim as well!
3. One more pair of jeans.
4. A decent looking casual shoe. My converse shoes also a bit overused already.
5. A haircut.
6. A decent looking belt, my current one is free, and torn on one side, so i flip the buckle the other side, now looks better, but not nice, also, it doesn't really buckle me properly.
7. Change specs (optional)
8. Nicer shirts, realized i keep wearing same ol same ol.

-Thought Stream-

Old Skool

I think the older times are great, yesss, i am getting older, and i am becoming one of those people who says, "ah the good ol' days, 'sup?"

I find newer stuff not as appealing, yea they got some cool stuff like better video games, some good movies, technology, but look at what the setback it brought us:

• Newer generations getting dumber
• Newer generations, specifically girls getting shorter and less developed. Due to food intake? All those new health crap and chemicals must be doing us wrong someway somehow.
• They screw us over in movies like Dragonball and Transformers who just wanna milk the franchise of the money. Damn you hollywood! Wait, no, hollywood actually gave us some good stuff, so.. damn you worthless sell outs!
• Prices are jacked up for most anything
• Apparently talking is a form of music
• Now words can be reduced to just random letters, ok maybe not so random, lol, jk, lol? ROFL!
• People has shorter lives! Man, the olden days got people living up to 500 years old! Thats like almost4.5 times more than us now! And imagine, can have longer partying days, gaming days, courting girls days if we live longer! Unless you're a loser... then, ouch?
• Instead of radioactive spider who bit peter parker, we now got genetically altered spider! HOW LAME IS THAT?
• And what the future has brought us thus far? My car still can't transform! I don't have a virtual gf, all that i do when i play The Sims
• Cartoons are almost hopeless
• Stalking made easy
• Bell bottoms not in fashion!!!
• No smart pill for me
• Sometimes i cannot diffrentiate she-males or he-females from normal males and females, damn you technology and ya advance makeover skills!

okok, i can go on and on

The older days, at least, at least has Michael Jackson :(

Sigh.

Niche

Been hearing and talking about post grad life, yea, end of the year will be officially study free, mom ask me do masters, but.... am i really up for it? not now la, studying since 6, now i'm 23.. thats 16 years! wait, er, 17 years! Maths fail.... i failed education! Or, since i'm in this place... did education failed me?

Anyway, all i hear about the working life are money issues, taxes, loans, ho

w you should plan ya life.

Attended cell yesterday and someone spoke about finances and how you shojl manage it well. Yea, it was good, wise and definitely his words was worth following after. But... what i heard was:

1. I am gonna have more responsibilities.
2. Must get house before car to prepare for marriage life
3. Gonna work like a dog, wait dogs don't work.. erm..work... like.. slaves, paid slaves! yeap, work like paid slaves to pay off loans.
4. Credit card is murder
5. Taxes are troublesome
6. something about half past 6 government (lost track of this one)
7. Life gonna suck.

Before anyone gets all holy moly on me. I don't wanna end up on a cycle of paying debts and loans, earning money and buy stuff and tax deduction and and marriage! whats up with marriage! WHY EVERYONE AROUND ME GETTING MARRIED! Stop it! epidemic!!! ITS A SICKNESS! Get away!! H1N1 is not as bad as marriage (no actually, H1N1 you actually suffer less than marriage, BOOM! LAWYERED!)!!! ARGH!!

I digress.

Ok, back to my point, yea, in one sense, its awesome you gotta make good financial plans, but where gone the childhood dreams? Where gone the "dude, i am so gonna open a bar" or "lets travel the world and forgot the corporate world!"

Now its all about money money money.

I should know, me and my family constantly have financial issues, been there done that, so i know how important is money!

But.. is life all about striving for money? Yea, you throw God in the picture, then we should use it for God, but then... in retrospect, you see how much our life revolves around the greens? Claim all you want about God giving us money so we can put in good use, to me, honestly, we just sometimes use that as an excuse to find more money.

OK, stop, i know if you wanna preach about cash and God, save it, i know!

What i am trying to say is that, even myself, i am already starting to hunt for job, why? All

because of money, if money didn't exist, then there wouldn't be such things as debt, or loans, but in reality, money is always an issue. Just speaking of it, i bought a Rm78 modem! because for some stupid reason, my modem died on me. There, RM78! Money i've been saving to go overseas next year to visit friends! How long am i gonna save my money before i can afford a one way ticket to somewhere?

Money, pfft, if i were alone in this world with no attachment no family, i think money would not be so much of an issue, but now got family to care, and study loans, so have to strive for it, no

bumming or slacking after graduation, work work work, Work my ass off to pay off ptptn, pay back mom and dad, then plan for my future, sigh, a cycle, a stupid dead end cycle, no wonder movies are fairy tales, how can one actually just dump everything and "live life"? I wish i could.

Enough ranting, amidst all this, i guess, i will find something better to strive for soon. Soon.

-I'm Awesome-

101

I noticed something strange as of late...

My dog, Pepper, has been barking more than usual, and to whom? Other dogs in the neighborhood. Wait, before you think me crazy, read me out:

1. He never bark at other dogs before.
2. He doesn't care of our neighbors dog.
3. Everytime i stand up, he looks at me with puppy eyes and wait till i am out of sight to resume his deeds.

Now, he barks and wags his tail at neighboring dogs, and, guess what? The other dogs bark back! And this goes on for a good half minute. The worst part, is that he runs to the back and to the front and communicate with different dogs.

Dogs are intelligent i tell you, if not Pavlov's dog wouldn't be now a subject still to be studied in this world!

Also, i have referenced 101 dalmatians, and when they bark like this, they are planning something.

So, i am gonna be on high alert, watching my dog's every move, if he is planning world domination, i at least wanna be on his side.

If you think my conspiracy theory is wild and crazy, dude, you've been living under a shell.

Nothing is impossible!

Surviving Suburbia

Last saturday attended my previous church's youth event, it was great to see some people whom i haven't seen in awhile, though not all were as friendly as i remembered them to be, some remained the same, some having rough patches, some just.. well whoever they were.

Played games, such as charades, a really looooooooong game, no really loooooooooooooooooooooooooong game. Ate food, and most of them time the usual hey, 'sup? You're funny! Yea man, totally, what! kinda chit chat.

I think can tell certain people were uncomfortable, and i find myself neither here nor there. Someone said someone was taking a sabbatical and was in a "pfft" kind of tone, i felt bad for the person the other person was speaking about.

Incoherent thoughts leaves me passing each day like it was yesterday, in a daze.

Well, least my thesis is progressing somewhat, better than not doing anything about it, it all comes down whether i am doing it right or not.

OSG

Today is the birthday of a dear friend, Daniel Ong.

I probably mentioned it before, but i knew him way back in kindergarten, when i was 6 year old crying brat who already hated going for classes when i could be spending my time watching tv and getting fat.

I cannot remember when was the last time we actually had a good laugh together, a proper meal, or even a proper conversation face-to-face.

Things happened, circumstances changed, and now he is pretty far away, only way to communicate is msn.

All in all, things went the way it did for a reason, but least we still friends, aye?

Ok, enough soapy stuff.

Happy birthday man!

It seriously has been awhile since we actually celebrated your birthday, and by now probably used to it already. So i'll just wish you a great one here, hoping that you will enjoy this special day given to you filled with fun and meaningful interactions.

Take care! :)

Character

I feel like a ted.

I want to be a barney.

I sometimes am a marshall,

Who wants a lily.

Nay, i don't want to be a robin as well,

Nor wants a stella, better another,

As you can obviously tell,

This is from How I Met Your Mother.

I been sleeping quite a bit, more so than when i actually had classes, but i feel less rejuvenated. Bah, that is why sometimes i dislike having a bit more time in my hands, apart from having to be able to do more things beside studies, it just gives more time to think, too much maybe.

In the next two weeks, those who has classes will go back to their respective states and have their classes, thesis will be due and birthdays.

You know how people say you gotta make a name for yourself so everyone knows you? I always thought i rather want to know everybody, that'd be cooler. Of course, that is impossible, but its a good thought.

So anyway, past week and so, been seeing people whom i hardly met for awhile, obviously every one of them i met smiled, who knows what really went on with their lives. But good to know that they are coping. I know of some people who still remain in their high school self. Yea, high school was great, sheltered, friends, things you can manage, all you do is try to study and do fun stuff. But life goes on, and yet i see some of them still stuck, refusing to leave it behind, they still act the same, in my perspective, the real world has made them powerless, therefore to regain the power they relive the point where they felt more in control. I see whats going on, but its not healthy.

But i see this people still alive and well, so maybe its not so bad after all? Who am i to play judge, guess everyone copes differently, the study of human behavior is interesting, yet no one person can fully understand another.

People keep saying why am look so emo. Probably 'cause of the hair, now its like a side parting, and Justin said i should smile more, if i could get proper sleep, maybe i would, haha. As of now, i like to get my MANOVA done, clueless, i don't foresee better sleeping nights, but more sleepless nights as the month of August approaches!

I uttered few words in a silent prayer, if God is out there, i hope He was listening.

Yes and No

Taiping, was in one huge word: AWESOME

Highlights:

• Ipoh Foh San too many people :(
• Burmese pool was... kinda meh, prefer sungai pisang! Whee!
• Bukit Merah was.... well... was... erm... rainy.
• Duck Rice was awesome!! MmmMMmM!!
• Maxwell hill, totally great, saved that i was so out of shape, i couldn't possibly trek up that high.
• When sitting the jeep going 1036 km up to maxwell hill, gosh, the ride is exhilirating! Like a roller coaster but potentially can be thrown off, so you gotta hang on to dear life, plus don't eat so full before the ride, bad bad feeling.
• Taiping lake is pretty!!

Slow slow moving town, but a good town nonetheless, glad we made it for a short trip, it was fun, gotta leave the rush feeling of PJ awhile to take time to enjoy what earth has to offer.

Back to PJ was a whole different feel, but the brief escape was a welcome.

Didn't took effort to take more pictures, but i got quite a few good ones i hope. Tried taking a few emo pics, wonder how that will turn out.

Thanks to those who were so hospitable, and the host who was so gracious and sporting!

Time to buckle up and start doing some work, and enjoy too!

Crud

Gonna leave for Taiping in a few hours, a good start to my holidays :)

Gonna try to chill.

Gonna do some reflecting.

Gonna be cool.

With the sem ended, a lot of things came to mind, the idea of going to find a job soon, graduating, adapting and what not has been bothersome. Life ain't what it was 2 years ago, life ain't gonna be the same 2 years from now, live in the present, hope for the best in the future.

I suppose, that, in the past half a year, i've grown in thinking, thinking more responsibly, maybe due to whatever is happening to my family, to things. One thing for sure, i won't live life like a pile of crap.

I promise i won't end up like this roman catholic who came to my house and scolded my mom for not knowing where my neighbor (the amazon lady) went, my mom is her keeper now? You, being religious and supposedly upright, why now only you come to help this poor neighbor of mine, where are you when she needed your help at her worst times? Hypocrite.

Holidays.

Yet shoulders are heavy. People crying in front of you isn't the best times in my. Maybe thats why i avoid being a counselor. Don't think i can handle it.

Met up with an old friend earlier, how did he get where he was? I realized being a real friend, albeit a jackass sometimes, much better than striving to be the "right" friend. Funny how things work this way, humans often try too hard and bring misery upon themselves.

I rather enjoy what i do than what i should do. But for now, balancing both ain't easy.

Well, the only sure thing i guess i could say right now about my life? Won't cut hair till December.

Prison Gate

Fellow friends, if you remember we made a bet on who marry first and marry last couple years ago. Specifically 2007. Unfortunately i lost the original paper of that account, so boys and girls, time to revise the whole thing!

We got quite a few people, now we can add more. We got Jeff, Justin, Nesh, Nie, Ong-sama, Envyno, Keren, myself, TKH, Hoc, Charis and some more?

Plus the game has changed! Some got together with another, some still dead single (Exhibit A: Me). So, probably funner now to revise the bet, if you all still keen....

-TurnBack-

Dunderfunk

Two more exams to go! Then holidays [plus do thesis 2 :( ]

Been playing guitar a bit more lately, realized shouldn't let things get in the way of things i'm passionate about.

On a brigther note, i've been sleeping more, dreams are fun. Will chronicle it.

..We Trust

Lyrics playing in my head

I forgot the time we've met

Misplaced guidance in a book

The faith my wave overtook

I dare not say it now

The words are to my tongue foul

This is the place where my body rest

No more, no more being obsessed

I shall speak, one truth remains

Ignorance now is to remain sane

Anything more more would be more loss

Shall life now be decided by a coin toss

In whom shall we trust?

In the end, we all go back to dust.

-Babel-

Flash

School days, the dumb things we did:

1. go toilet for lepak sessions. Often me and friend will ask teacher during class permission to head to the loo. On our way there, we cue few more people from other class to come along. Then we all go to the toilet and pee. My record for peeing is 8 seconds.
2. Go disciplinary room and check out chicks phone number and address in the student records. Then after school we go search for the place. Since then we always go to that place to "walk".
3. Form 3 is the ONLY year i cannot remember studying. Everyday i look forward to go to school, because we would play "timbang" with the shuttlecock, fake wrestling moves, talk ghost stories, wonder how did the footprint ended up on top of the ceiling, make jokes of teachers. I honestly, cannot, even remmeber studying a bit in form 3. Other years can.
4. Play pens. ZOMG. PENS. WTH. Use pens to hit other pens off the paper. I KNOW.
5. Being awesome in moral class. Moral is one of the most no brainer subject, yet some of my classmates cannot pass. Why? Why am i awesome in such a worthless subject, i probably still can remember some of the 80 values i learned (shut up, my time was 80 values only, i'm old!). But my friend and i, we always rocked in moral class. Ultimately, proved useless in life.
6. During canteen day, i brought an egg from home and ask the prefects' stall to fry it for me, dumb prefects, why do you stare?!?
7. Friend and I would write on the plastic table we sat on to communicate with the girl sitting at the same place but in the afternoon session. Thought we hit the jackpot, till we saw their faces.
8. One time in chemistry class, a classmate pull the pin off the fire extinguisher and it shot out the foams like water. It was wayyy cool. What? Nope, we didn't care to clean it up. Hey, the school hired a cleaner for a reason ok.
9. Called a sissy a sissy and posted up a newspaper article which bears his name on some sexual assault case, only to have his favorite teacher complaining to the higher ups, and the higher ups is my churchmember who decided that corporal punishment wasn't enough, instead humiliation was the better way to learn my lesson, by giving a random speech in the school aseembly. I think i nailed it, and nope, didn't learn me lesson.
10. Dumbest thing would be studying. hahaha. Studying. Sigh.
    -'Sup?-

From Dust

We forget things, and we are forgotten.

If we could always remember the fine print, the smallest of it all in a page, then wouldn't it bring back smile again?

Cats in the Cradle

When i have the time, i want and will:

• write a song
• hike up a mountain
• write a script
• go for audition to act on stage
• learn to dance
• learn to fix the car engine
• raise a kid
• shoot a short film
• write a book
• attend a ball
• throw a party
• drive to every state in m'sia and fly to sabah and sarawak
• cycle
• spend time doing community work
• ride a horse
• take up fencing
• paint
• have a picnic outing
• cook a proper full course meal
• bake a cake

But, all i should do now is:

• Study
• Finsih up my thesis
• Graduate
• Get a job
• Care for everyone else
• Be resilient
• Fake a smile
• Sort out my stand on Christianity
• Be supportive
• Be financially stable
• Secured in life
• Manage my time properly
• Obeying written and implied rules
• Be available

Though some things are "important" in life, i think it is not essential,

just that over the years and centuries of human living, we forged a metaphorical prison upon our own lives, instead of seeing beyond it, we like being in the 4 walls that puts us in our place, governed by "responsibilities" and "priorities" who act as our jail wardens.

I will suspend my beliefs for you, to blur out people who say where you will go, you my dear childhood friend, whom never fail to cheer me up when i go to you, who, despite all your troubles, became who you are and forever remembered that way, if religion permits me not to see you again, then goodbye is now. Goodbye.

-Hollow-

Free Association

My legs hurt, like skin cracked, probably due to my eczema and all, it hurts, but i got used to it already, it isn't anything, i just think why i have this? doctors lied when they say i would outgrow, mom continually finding new treatment, but i gave up, not like its life threatening, just sick of it. i kinda hungry, if only i could boil or fry eggs like simon, i mean i could but i lazy la, some more just bathed, my hair and clothes would smell, can sleep the hunger off, i listening to skillet, kinda cool, they christian rock band, but sing the songs can be quite secular, so pretty cool on that, i think i pretty happy, i finally becoming a bit more stable in areas where last year i couldn't, i read my xanga blog again alst night after a good close buddy told me she found it, so i went back again, didn't know why i didn't deleted it, maybe because i felt that my writings are precious and that i would like to gauge my growth since when i alst wrote, and i found out back then i still struggling with the same things except now pretty jaded. i like dogs, but i could never make myself love them so much because my previous dogs were robbed from me, first dog was blackie, that was my uncle's dog, uber cute, and he was a spitz, all black, but he died after having a good fat life, and i was sad, then we had daisy, also a spitz but super loads of fur, and could do acrobatic stuff, or thats what i remember of her, she would always wait on you and jump to greet you, so so happy, till one day it ran or was kidnapped, i never knew, i juts sat outside weeping silently, till now i can remember her though i only had her for awhile, then came junior, whom i was afraid of for awhile, because it was super active and all, but got used to it, and i loved the dog so much, took it back to ipoh and went waterfall with the dog, took pictures, and he was just so cute, and all, but later his fur poked his eyes, and got infection and maggots were there, we couldn't afford the treatment, so we had to give it up and give others, now the neighbours dog look like junior but wasn't junior... i wish i had junior, hoping he having a better life than when he was with my family. Falling through the black, slipping through the crack, nice rhyme. i'm getting used to the idea of being myself and having life, life is good, i think its good because it is good, i think i learned alot this year, and its alright, nowadays i don't know why i 've been sleeping more, and not because i am super tired, but i just am and i enjoy them, i had a dream that i was suppose to be with my friend to go ona trip, but another friend butted in and tried to make it not happen, so i wasn't happy, but i tried and tried, and tried, hmm, not sure what happened in the end, i kinda blur nowadays, i mixed dream with reality and i am reminded my memory kinda bad, do i have some kind of disease? i hope not i really think i just dumb and stupid. because if i found out i was sick now, i don't think i can handle it or even let anyone know.. someone told me to work travel in USA to get good money, but how to go there when i in the first place no money? i am still not used to wearing shorts going in public. i do the stupidest things like driving to places and stuff, i wonder am i dreaming or what? i think i have no money, but sometimes my family made me think i have, but i don't. i always say i wanna play games but why do i have no time? i wanna play play play, but no time la, wait i do have time, but i don't know how am i spending it, i have a best friend, but i don't know why i can't talk to him, but i have another best friend whom i can tell the world, i wonder why, the one i can't talk to he claim i am his best friend too, but nothing deep also, perplexing wei. i crave for steak all the time, i don't know why, and potatoes, hmm potatoes are my favourite, but steak ah so expensive la to get a good one, i wished i knew how to cook, or someone cook for me la, but who knows right? aiyo, i wish i could eat it every week, got cravings, but no money, i'm happy with white rice and soya sauce and an egg, i used to eat that and it was nice, i am trained to eat cheap, better la, i don't know la, i no money but my friends got so they go places i cannot afford, but i go anyway to talk to them then they think i like super poor and try to treat me but i don't want la, i like freeloader not nice. i wonder why i like meeting people but cannot sustain friendship, i too lazy? hahahaha, i don't know la whatever, i always listen to the same song over and over, and hardly listen to new stuff, thats why i can never expand my library of songs, also i don't learn to play new songs, thats why i suck at guitar, i wanna be so many things, but cannot.. people ask me what i wanna do, i don't know, anyway, i think i gonna be like this awhile, ahhahahahahahaa, hopefully i know what i am doing, i am thristy, i should drink water. i got season 9 of simpsons, but cannot watch, tv outside where dad occupies the room. friend say i don't make effort to get girls, is it? i think my efforts ok la, but not reciprocated only ma, hahahahahahaha, i got fear of cockroaches, they're terrible and digusting, why? why got such creature????? i wish i had a horse so i can ride into the winds! i want a sword, super fascinated with swords, i play games with swords in it, i like swords.

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Free association, for real.

Psychoanalyze me, please.